|Great Moments in Junketeering: Paul Fischer’s sexual issues
by Chris Parry
A young Paul Fischer tries out for the role of Jabba the Hutt. He didn't get the part, but would eventually become Kirstie Alley's stunt double.
The second episode in our new Great Moments in Junketeering series goes to a place nobody but the psychotic lunatic in The Cell would go, we’re about to enter one of the darkest holes in film journalism – Paul Fischer’s fascination with sex. Now, it’s not that we don’t like sex ourselves at this site – just the opposite in fact – but you’ve got to understand exactly what Paul Fischer is in order to appreciate exactly how gross the idea of him and sex in the same room is. Fischer is the human embodiment of Jabba the Hut. He slobbers when he talks, he sweats profusely, he’s as rotund as Augustus Gloop (post-fudge), and he has all the sensibility and tact of Pauly Shore. In short, he’s unsexable, but that doesn’t stop him from getting all freaky on female celebrities whenever the opportunity hits…
First, a little background. Paul Fischer does the Hollywood press junkets like nobody before him has. Every junketeer is about the self-promotion, but Fischer takes self-promotion to a whole new level. What Fischer does, since he lacks actual press outlets for his work, is send his interviews to Dark Horizons, and then blast spam mails out to any number of small websites, offering them his awful interviews on a non-exclusive basis… for free. We know, because he’s emailed us in the past wondering if we’d be interested. In response, we usually link him to the numerous articles we’ve written about him… like the one here… here… and here.
To prove this allegation, all you need to do is a Google search for the phrases “Paul Fischer” and “Carmen Electra”, and the list is pretty long. Movie-Top.com takes the Feeder Feed, FilmMonthly does likewise, and you can also see Fischer doubling up his interviews at MovieGuide.com.au, NineMSN.com.au, HeroRealm.com, MediaSharx, Femail.com.au, iofilm.co.uk, themovieinsider.com, cinefile.com.au, teenscenemag.com, declicmag.com, moviesonline.ca, dealmemo.com, showbizireland.com, 1greatcelebsite.com, and even such traditionally exceptional websites as CrankyCritic and MovieHole. In fact, the more digging you do, you realize that there simply isn’t a website, fanzine or newsletter that Paul Fischer won’t give content to… he even does interviews for Adult Video News!
Now, at first glance, this would seem like the career of a successful writer. I mean, what writer wouldn’t want 20+ outlets fighting to run your articles? But the difference here is that nobody actually does fight for Paul Fischer’s work – he simply gives it away. If you agree to add the words “By Paul Fischer, in Los Angeles” to the bottom of your page, and you don’t care that the interviews you’re running are found in ten other places online, you too can take part in The Fish’s celebrity shell-game and pretend you have a freelance budget.
To publicists who want their upcoming film mentioned all over the net, getting in to bed with Fischer must seem like a necessary evil. When you invite him to your junket, you know he’s going to eat his own weight in burgers at the buffet table, and you know he’s going to demand much more time with the talent than his meager abilities deserve, and you know that he’ll be rude and obnoxious and totally take over the roundtable interview with retarded questions that nobody wants the answer to, because they’re already answered in the press kit. But what are you going to do – turn down the guy from Femail.com.au?
Fischer knows he’s gross, and many publicists and journalists do too – so much so that several we’ve spoken to simply won’t take part in any event Fischer is going to be at. We’ve spoken to journalists who have refused to take part in roundtables with Fischer, publicists who flat out refuse to invite him to their press days, and editors of large daily newspapers that were shocked to find that they were running content that was freely available elsewhere online (and even once, famously, in a competing daily paper in the same city, on the same day, with the same headline).
But today’s article isn’t so much about the man behind the Feeder Feed as it is about how the Feeder himself likes to be utterly disgusting when it comes to female actresses he’s promoting… oh sorry, I mean interviewing…
At Sundance this year, we watched Fischer drool over 17-year-old Evan Rachel Wood (Thirteen, The Missing), asking her such tactful questions as, “you seem to play a lesbian quite a lot… is that something that you’re interested in?”, which was fobbed off by the actress, only to be followed by the dirty old man-like reply of “hmmmmmmm.” We also saw him at the Surviving Christmas roundtable asking Christina Applegate is she had “humped the bedpost” as a child. Our personal favorite was when The Fish wrote longingly of a scene in Britney Spears movie Crossroads, stating, “The opening of Crossroads has Spears dancing in her underwear to Madonna's 'Open your Heart to Me' "which is one of my all time favorite songs…” I’m left with mental images of Britney Spears opening her heart to Fischer and he in turn eating it out of her exposed chest cavity, only pausing occasionally to call for more gravy.
And so it is that we move on to the guts of our little tete a tete – Fischer’s fabulous piece of entertainment journalism, “Interview: Amy Smart & Carmen Electra. Let the genius fly!
Starsky and Hutch may be about the guys, but in this seventies-set comedy, the beautiful Amy Smart and sexy Carmen Electra also manage to spice things up. It's a hard job but someone has to do it, as PAUL FISCHER met the two sexy co-stars. Electra in particular, looked the part, braless, perky and talking about her recent marriage, threesomes and comedy.
UGH! Oh my freaking god, did he just OPEN an interview with mention of his subject’s underwear? What, he couldn’t get a good look at whether she was wearing a thong or not? Maybe he should pants the woman and let us know whether or not she’s gone Brazilian or French in the pubic region…
Question: Were either of you ever really cheerleader?
Electra: I was. For a semester.
The Fish always opens with the heavy hitting stuff early, and I’m SO glad he managed to get the girls to open up about such an intriguing topic. Just think, this news could have been kept a mystery for time eternal, and we’d never know that Amy Smart was no cheerleader, and that Carmen Electra.. (gasp!) was.
Question: Was it weird doing the whole threesome thing?
Smart: Just jump right into it. [LAUGHS]
Electra: I was actually looking forward to it.
EW! Second question and he’s into threesomes already! So gross, considering he’s a rotund 50-year-old who honestly wouldn’t run the risk of getting laid on a Saturday night if he had two kilos of cocaine in his chest-pocket, ten thousand dollars wedged in his mouth, and an all-access backstage pass to the Adult Video News Awards.
Question: What do you find most attractive in [threesomes]. Can you elaborate?
Electra: I don't know. We auditioned together and I auditioned with a bunch of different girls, as did [Amy]. I don't know. We had a lot of fun together, we had chemistry. And actually, in the auditions, I said, 'I wouldn't mind kissing her,' because I read the script and I knew there would be a kissing scene. So, it was fun. You kinda get away with doing something that you wouldn't normally do.
Can you believe this hideous swamp creature? “Can you elaborate?” In other words, “Go into a lot of detail about your threesome with each other, so I can go home, prop some metal struts under my humungous belly, and see to myself while I replay the tape of your answer and roll about in lard.
Oh well, at least that’s out of the way now and we can get to the normal questions… “what was it like to work with the director”, “what attracted you to the script”, ”what was it like working with Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller”… You know the kind of thing – they’re the three stock questions every entertainment journalist with no background in journalism goes to when they’ve got nothing else to ask.
Question: Was she a good kisser?
Electra: [LAUGHS]. Just jump to the...
Smart: We had fun. We had a fun time. We ended up shooting at two in the morning. We were all sort of delirious. Sober, but it was two in the morning and we'd been there since six so, you know. We were ready to shoot the scene and we just went for it and I had a really fun time.
HE HAS NO SHAME! I mean, my God, even Carmen Electra, a woman not known for being the shyest girl about town, seems to think Fischer’s questioning is out of line. They’re LAUGHING at you, Fish! Professional that she is, Amy Smart ignores Fischer’s icky questioning and tries to give him something he can put print by talking about scheduling, but I’m starting to wonder if the next question won’t be something like “have you ever had a fat man eat a baloney sausage out of you?”
Question: Is it difficult to keep a straight face with people like Stiller and Owen?
Smart: I think it is. I think it's hard to keep a strait face because they're so funny in each take.
Electra: Even just looking at them when they're not acting. Just, like, in the costumes and with the hair and the whole thing. They're so funny.
He finally gets back on task with one of the three stock junketeer “I’ve got nothing” questions. And gets one of the stock “I’m so over this” answers.
Oh, and he misspells the word, “straight”.
Question: What did you think of the 70's clothes?
Electra: Yeah, well I have pictures where my mom was wearing those high-waisted jeans. I was born in 72 so a lot of it I don't really remember. But, it was fun and I got to wear platforms which is always good in my book, because I'm only 5' 3.
The sedatives are kicking in about now…
Question: Did you ever wear the costumes home?
Smart: No, you can't. They never let you, because in case you have to do re-shoots.
Not only a ridiculously boring and trivial question, but also something that anyone with any knowledge of the movie industry should already know.
You can see Fish is running out of questions now, because he’s about to go to the eternal “I’m completely out of ideas, but I still have five minutes left with you before they kick me out, so I’m just going to pretend I’m from Horse and Hound” option.
Question: Carmen, how's married life?
Electra: It's amazing. I'm really happy.
Question: Is it everything you expected it to be?
Electra: And more. He's my best friend, so, it feels good. Even to have the show. We were really nervous about having the show, but now we're really happy we did it. It feels solid. I know that he's got my back. It feels good.
Question: How was your first married Valentine's Day?
Electra: It was very mellow because I have a knee injury. We haven't had our honeymoon yet and we didn't get to do anything for Valentine's Day so...
Question: So what's you're ideal honeymoon?
Electra: Hawaii. Yeah.
“Hawaii… yeah.” Oh what sterling conversation! Devastating repartee! The kind of back and forth that makes you want to retitle the whole thing, “Academics collide: Electra and Smart turn Rosenkrantz and Gildenstern on Pulitzer Prize-ready journalist!”
Question: So what did you do on Valentine's Day Amy?
Smart: I just had a really low... Just went to dinner.
Oh please, someone gets the publicists in here, this interview is SO over.
Question: Are you still engaged?
Smart: I was never engaged. See [holds up ring had] No ring. [LAUGHS]
See, most journalists would say “oh, I screwed the pooch there… maybe I’ll just leave that question out of the finished article, but not Paul Fischer. Why, if you cut a question because it was stupid, what would that leave him with other than a byline and the occasional [LAUGHS]?
Question: Carmen, are their kids in your future soon?
Electra: I hope so. I mean, I love kids. I'm ready to get started at any time and I know MTV's ready too because they're hoping that we would do a show about that. [LAUGHS]
Question: Maybe what leads up to the kids then?
Electra: I think that might be a little X-rated so I don't know that they would go for that, but I think, actually, the pregnancy. But I think that's kind of a personal thing so I don't know if I would want to share that with the world. But I'm not pregnant yet.
Ksdk;hgjk;sdfahjk;gsdful;! Are you kidding me? He asks about kids, and then turns it into a question about whether she’ll fuck on camera? Who actually thinks that an interview by this maroon is better publicity than no interview at all? I mean, studios spend so much time and money protecting their image, then they go and invite the worst journalist this side of Shawn Edwards to ask their co-star whether she’ll fuck for TV cameras?
Question: Did you go to Sundance with Butterfly Effect?
Question: I was there and I heard that people very excited when Demi walked in?
I’m about to start punching myself in the face if this doesn’t end soon. I mean, you’ve got Amy Smart sitting in front of you. Great young actress, very hot, and you’re talking about how some people you don’t know might have been excited that Demi Moore walked into a film at Sundance. WHO FREAKING CARES?! Clearly Smart doesn’t.
Question: Did you think the critical reaction to it was a little bit harsh?
This coming from the guy who thought King Arthur was “One of the year's best. Unforgettable,“ and that National Treasure was “the year's most entertaining film…“
Question: Did Ben and Owen improv?
Electra: Yeah, like Amy said, every take was completely different, which makes it more fun for us because you never know what they're gonna do and it doesn't become stale because it's not the same lines every single time so, for us, we loved it.
Now we’re into recycling old questions… great.
Question: What's the wildest date either of you have been on?
Electra: I don't know. I've had quite a few. We'd be here all night. The wildest? I don't know.
Smart: I don't really have anything.
There comes a point where any sarcastic remark I could make simply pales in comparison to the reality on the page. This is one such time.
Question: What's next?
Smart: I just have an independent coming out in March I think called Blind Horizon. But, not working at the moment. Looking for another good job hopefully.
Electra: We just finished Till' Death Do Us Part, which is on right now and I just finished shooting an independent film with Vivica Fox called Getting Played.
Question: Who do you get played with?
Gross. Fischer obviously thinks “Getting Played” is the same as “getting laid”, but his subtle sexual harassment is allowed to fly through to the catcher by Electra, who seems to figure, “If he’s going to ask dumb ass questions, I’m just going to use the time to PR my upcoming stuff.” Let it fly, Carmen.
Electra: It's a story about these three girls who are great friends and they decide to turn the tables on men and the first guy that walks through the door is Bill Bellamy, so we all take turns trying to seduce him, so it's kinda like a contest. And in the end, we think we're playing him but he's playing us.
Question: Were you involved in any of the cheer leading scenes, because that's some pretty good dancing.
Smart: Well, I was trying to just keep up, but she was the real dancing shoes.
Electra: We had a choreographer come in and she worked with us and it was fun.
Ever get the feeling Fischer likes the cheerleader type?
Question: Did you study a lot of cheer leading tapes?
Not as much as he does, clearly…
Smart: We watched the Dallas Cowgirls, like from the 70's with the white go-go boots...
Electra: And the hair.
Smart: ...And the hair.
Question: Any favourite musicals in the 70's. Grease?
Electra: Oh yeah. Grease was my favourite.
Look, I don’t make this up. It’s all there on his own page at Dark Horizons, who for some reason actually want this Cliff Claven of the movie world representing them professionally. That could well have been the dumbest question of the lot, especially since, now that I think about it, 70’s musicals blew! How many of you out there have been snapping up the DVD editions of Jesus Christ Superstar?
Yep, sho nuff, there couldn’t possibly be a worse question than that one. That’s as bad as it could possibly get. You surely couldn’t find a question that was worse.
Question: What is your favourite animal movie?
Electra: I don't know. But I do watch Animal Precinct. Oh my God. Thank God for those people. It's so sad. It's so disturbing. It's interesting to me. Old Yellow, The Cat From Outer Space. That was the first movie I watch. Bambi. Broke my heart. Charlotte's Web. You know, you get me started.
It’s official. We’re all dumber than we were ten minutes ago.
link directly to this feature at https://www.efilmcritic.com/feature.php?feature=1403
originally posted: 03/09/05 08:29:33
last updated: 03/09/05 09:38:08