|Remember Creature Double Feature?
...Channel 56 in Boston, circa 1978, every Saturday afternoon; two cheesy but still good for you horror flix. Lots of Godzilla and his gang of Japanese monster movies. Multiple incarnations of Frankenstein and werewolves and American spookers.
Hell, I'd get out of the pool half an hour prior to CDF because Ma wouldn't let me in the house to TV-sit unless I was completely dry.
This early infatuation with CDF explains a lot about my affection for movies today, especially my predilection for freaks and malcontents. (In the movies Ma, this has nothing to do with my taste in men...)
Is any of this starting to sound familar?
Even as a pre-teen I possessed an innate understanding of the value of modern entertainment to capture minds and enthrall generations. And if imitaion is the sincerest form of flattery, then kudos again to CDF for inspiring me to almost break my neck jumping off the shed roof pretending to be Gammaron, swooping down on my little brother playing the pitifully unsuspecting Godzilla.
Unfortunately nowadays kids see movies like <b>"Natural Born Killers" and imitate that which doesn't bode well for perfect strangers. The thing is, when you're like ten, pretending to be a flying turtle or whatever Gammaron was and taking uncalculated risks off a 10 foot high roof is kind of normal. Expected even. As Limp Bizkit says...this is how we learn...
Using movies as an excuse for your behavior once you know better is lame. You might as well just enter a plea of insasnity because only a crazy person would find themselves rationalizing mass murder with such fodder as what I've been seeing on the screen in the last 10 years.
I mean come on. It's not CDF quality stuff anymore... With the possible exception of Mystry Science Theatre 2000, of course, MST2K being a matinee of CDF type-B movies with the heckling friends included.
But my point is that while an eight year old may think there's still some room within the realm of possibility for humans to fly, that the process just needs to be perfected, a little experimentation with heights clears that one up right quick and nobody but Gammaron and Godzilla gets hurt. But A seventeen year old knows that shooting perfectly good strangers is a big no-no and generally frowned upon at social gatherings everywhere.
And the moral of this little rant has been: Don't blame Creature Double Feature for my monster-ugly attitude and don't hate me because I'm beatuiful. You'd be wasting your time.
Oh yeah and BTW-- she's baaa-aack....
That's right kids, I'm back and up to my old tricks. See how I lulled you into a false sense of Creature Double Feature then sprang on you? Did I scare ya? Huh? That was nothing. You should've seen Godzilla out in the yard that day in the split second before I pounced from above- now that was abject fear.
Some of you might remember me, albeit a little differently; I've been out of the loop for a while but you can relax, youíre in good hands because Iím back. Been busy collecting white papers and Iím officially a geek now. Another Microsoft Robot so I have to be careful what I say in here, Big Brother is watching me...
Yeah right. Okay, so what were we talking about last time? Oh yeah, George Clooney being the Antichrist. I serve "The Perfect Storm" as potential proof- but wait for the review. I had also accused my friend Bob of it but thatís just because I was giving him a hard time that day. But after seeing "Three Kings" I had to relent and welcome Clooney back into the fold temporarily, at least. Since then I've decided the Antichrist might actually have been Elvis, the fat Elvis, Iím not sure.
What else were we up to?
Oh man, the sparks- remember? We lit some folks on fire by mistake during the fancy assed pyrotechnics on the front end of the show, you remember, right? That dudeís eyebrows? They were <i>gone</i>. He took it pretty well though, was a good sport about it. No lawsuits pending. At least none pertaining to the fireworks.
Go back and refresh your memory if you want, Iím probably archived by now but Iíll put a link here when I find them, just for you. Aint that large of me?
Speaking of large, I prefer to remember the thin Elvis in all his frenetic pelvis-swinging glory rather than the vision that was the King of latter years. Donít you? Of course you do. You saw the postage stamp, right? Majority rules kids, thatís why they say it.
Speaking of majority rules; got a new roomie and weíre both a couple of regular couch potatoes so we rent a lot of movies. We live in a relatively small town, too, where the Movie Theatre counts as a good Saturday night out. Plus thereís not a hell of a lot else to do around here. We both have crazy schedules so when we have a chance to sit around and do nothing, thatís exactly what we usually do. Majority rules, amen. While weíre doing the afore-mentioned 'nothing', we watch movies. So Iíve seen some good flicks lately and some prett-tee bad ones. Letís talk about some of the bad ones first because we all know Dishing out Bitchslaps is more fun anyway--++>
EYES WIDE SHUT: Okay you might as well know this isnít actually a movie title, itís the Surgeonís General's warning about the best way to view this movie. With your eyes shut and your mind on NUMB. It was very moody, so you bipolar folks might settle for that but Holy BITCHSLAP Batman, not one cotton-picking shot of Tom Cruiseís naked butt so forget it. Huge waste of time for me. And Nicole Kidman was just flaccid in this movie. I kept wondering in confusion: Is she trying to be that way? Is she doing it on purpose? Is that acting?
Okay, but why is she acting like she has brain damage?
Every time my friend and I walk into a movie theatre now I am compelled to wonder aloud if EYES WIDE SHUT is playing. He might remark thatíd be cool because he could use a nap. At the New Release aisle Iíll lament that somebody else has already rented EYES WIDE SHUT and sadly suggest we settle for something else. Heíll just laugh and say thank god, howís this sound? And start reading the trailer to me off the box he's holdingÖ
So, if itís already become a bad joke between myself and a new friend that should give you some iota of an idea about how bad I thought this movie was. Man. Even you folks who rented it just to see Nicky Kidmanís naked toosh didnít watch the whole thing. Not watch it and like it anyway and donít lie to me, either.
I know you remember?
BICENTENNIAL MAN: God damn this was a long movie. Now, Iíll usually cut Robin Williams some slack with the Bitchslapping because I used to think he was funny. But letís face it, heís lines are older than home-made penicillin (a.k.a. old cheese) and his recent journey into the ultra-serious has been tepid at best.
"What Dreams May Come" yeah, what dreams indeed while youíre sleeping through this sweeping epic. And Jakob the Liar was another one I started to snore ten minutes into. I might have just been tired from my crazy schedule- but I donít think so. I'm pretty sure it was the movie. But BM seemed like a sure thing; I mean, it had an eclectic mix of androids, technology, love, and the token rich folkÖ
Wrong. It was a long and often sad tale of an immortal android that outlives all its human owners through a series of better, more human-like upgrades until he can ultimately be declared ďhumanĒ on the day he finally ďdiesĒ. Okay, sorry about the spoiler there but if you were still planning to rent this youíre the type canít be stopped or helped so whatís the Big D?
My friend watched it to the end but thatís no indication that he liked it. That's just how he is, he doesnít give up on bad movies like I will, he sticks to 'em, searching for the scene that will transform the movie into one worth having watched. Me, I fall asleep. Again, slept through the middle of this one but I could hum you the endingó
On the good side of the coin was a "Dogma" rental and "Titan AE" at the movies but hey, I've been farting around in here long enough. I've got a class to teach tonight which means I have to be on campus early so I can hang out with the world-renown TechieScum (a.k.a. Bob, a.k.a. possibly the Antichrist if it's not George C.)
But I'll get you another fix real soon, I promise. Until then, be a good little gator and remember: weapons of mass destruction and fast food restaraunts do not equal Creature Double Feature fun unless your like, eight years old and don't know any better.
<i>Okay, you know I'm only kidding right? You, in the back, knock it off; No, you can't go nuke the folks down at Burger King and blame my return to BITCHSLAP!
Instead, paste this into your browser and go channel your aggression like a good little web rat torturing a virtual goldfish at T-Bone's Stress relief Aquarium 2.2 It's good clean fun:
link directly to this feature at https://www.efilmcritic.com/feature.php?feature=218
originally posted: 06/22/00 23:17:46
last updated: 06/22/00 23:36:32