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Mark S. Allen - Don't You Have A Soul?

by Erik Childress

At some point I'm going to have to go back to Rotten Tomatoes to see what the percentage is on the film, Soul Men. Because I'm utterly shocked. Weeks ago after seeing the film and baring witness to maybe (maybe) five barely audible snickers throughout its running time in the screening room, I knew at least two of my colleagues were joining me in condemning as one of the year's worst films. A film so bad that not only was there a single star being dispensed between the three of us, one actually contemplated giving it negative stars. When I saw the following poster yesterday, I was flabbergasted. Not really surprised considering who was being quoted there, but just amazed to see any sort of praise coming from anyone but Shawn Edwards on this film. 45% at Rotten Tomatoes. Are we factoring in a 25% +/- passing away clause in this one for the loss of both Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes? Were certain critics so afraid to feel like they were somehow stepping on Bernie's grave by dissing a film that makes Guess Who look like Do The Right Thing? They had no problems nailing that film when he was alive, but not that he's been taken from us far too early, now is the time to praise him when he's not even around to enjoy it. Claudia-Come-Lately-Puig from USA Today (named cause her quotes normally hit the papers on Saturday instead of Friday or earlier) liked this but panned Zack and Miri Make A Porno. No one would ever accuse her I guess of whoring for the Weinsteins, just having the worst possible taste in comedies ever. No THESE are the whores.

How does the film critic from Rolling Stone get so many words out with that much skin in his mouth? YOU TAKE IT, Peter Travers! This Sandy Kenyon, who was just added to the Criticwatch list last week also got quoted on Madagascar Escape 2 Africa this week, which also happens to feature the voicework of one Bernie Mac. And it's a certified piece of crap, Jeff Craig. But you can see that other quote on there? Right there in the middle.

"Hysterical! Bernie Mac is at his absolute best! Perhaps the best buddy picture ever!"

Best. Buddy. Picture. Ever! Precisely what kind of a fucking moron is Mark S. Allen? Honestly. Let's assume for a moment that Soul Men is an acceptable three-star kind of movie. Something positive, at least. If you pushed this little whore up against a wall, would he continue to go on record that Soul Men is a better buddy picture than, say, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Lethal Weapon, Superbad, Midnight Run, Hot Fuzz, do I really need to go on? Best. Buddy. Picture. Ever! Soul Men. You may as well have your face plastered on one of the cards being slapped into your attention by Mexicans in Las Vegas. Seriously, if Mark S. Allen isn't the dirtiest of whores to come out with a statement like that then he's an ever bigger moron than Ben Lyons.

Does he even know what he's saying most of the time? Or is he just throwing words out there - or even more whorish - taking what the studio has pre-written for him and attaching his name to it. I sincerely hope that's what he was doing earlier this year for Fox's X-Files sequel.

"Thrilling. Smart. Sexy. Chiling, engaging. You'll be feeling this film long after you leave the theater."

Let's go back to the word "sexy" for a moment. Did any of the eight people who saw X-Files Deux this summer get their sexy back during it? Maybe that small kiss between Mulder and Scully before the final fade out ignited Allen's loins since it's the only sign of life between the two for the entire movie. But that's a definition of sexy that makes the fugly from the Planter's peanut commercial look like Petra Nemcova. No, this is a film that features women getting abducted by gay organ thieves; one of whom was the victim of molestation at the hands of a priest. Yeah, real sexy there Mark. Can't wait to see what we'll be feeling long after we leave the theater.

You are precisely the kind of masquerading critic that we need to be keeping away from children. And adults. And families. And animals great and small. You are a subhuman stain on the culture of film criticism. I don't know how your Good Day Sacramento bio can stoop to call the Broadcast Film Critics Association the "Nation's most respected film critic organization" when it has you as a member. And how dare it say that your "movie reviews appear in newspapers coast-to-coast." We have searched up and down to find a single one. They don't exist. Because you DON'T DO MOVIE REVIEWS!!! You provide QUOTES!!! That's it. You contribute nothing to the ongoing debate of filmmaking. You simply whore out your name without scruple one to realize the damage you're doing. It's very easy to talk about these "hard economic times" but $10 is $10. Hell a $5 matinee is $5. But I don't care if Obama turns everything around by next summer and people who hate Michael Bay are seeing Transformers 2 a dozen times just because you can only wipe your ass so many times with hundred dollar bills, that's no excuse to be recommending Soul Men with the promise that audiences are in for a epic comedy for the ages. You are not to be trusted, Mark S. Allen. EVER! But don't take my word for it - take YOURS:

(2008) Fool's Gold - Everything a romantic comedy should be!
(2008) Zack and Miri Make a Porno - Zack and Miri is the best date movie of the season.
(2008) Sex and the City - The best date movie of the summer!
(2003) Alex and Emma - ...the perfect summer date movie.
(2006) Trust the Man - The perfect date movie.
(2003) The Rundown - The Rundown is quite possibly the first perfect action movie!
(2003) S.W.A.T. - Intense, intelligent & the perfect cast!
(2003) Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - The perfect mix of sexy-funny-rock-the-house action!
(2004) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - An awesome example of movie perfection
(2005) Herbie: Fully Loaded - Perfect family comedy.
(2007) Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium - The perfect holiday film!

(2003) Dreamcatcher - Every bit the genius you would expect from Stephen King and Lawrence Kasdan
(2006) The Night Listener - Robin Williams is at his best.
(2003) The Haunted Mansion - Eddie Murphy at his best!
(2003) Hollywood Homicide - Harrison Ford is at his best
(2006) Firewall - Awesome! Harrison Ford at his best.
(2003) A Man Apart - Non-stop explosive action!
(2004) National Treasure - Thrilling and jam-packed with edge-of-your-seat action!
(2004) Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie - Over the top-under the sea action and non-stop laughs.
(2005) The Dukes of Hazzard - It's out-of-control action and laughs.

(2004) Mean Girls - Fall on the floor funny and the most honest slice of high school since Fast Times at Ridgemont High
(2004) The Girl Next Door - This season's best comedy. Funny and charismatic. Risky Business Meets American Pie
(2004) Anchorman - Side-splitting, gut-busting laughs. The movie you'll be quoting for the rest of the summer. The funniest movie you'll see this summer!
(2006) You, Me and Dupree - The funniest movie you'll see this summer!

(2006) Superman Returns - Undoubtedly one of the best movies you'll see this summer!
(2006) The Prestige - This season's most thrilling movie!
(2005) Because of Winn-Dixie - The best family film of the season!
(2007) August Rush - The feel-good movie of the season!
(2007) P.S. I Love You - Funny, thoughtful and the most heart-felt movie you'll see this season!
(2006) Unaccompanied Minors - Hysterical and heartwarming

(2008) Zack and Miri Make a Porno - Fun and Hysterical!
(2008) Get Smart - Funny and smart. Steve Carell brings it!
(2003) Alex and Emma - Funny, sexy & smart
(2006) Trust the Man - Smart, funny and refreshing!
(2004) The Princess Diaries 2 - Funny, fun and fabulous!!
(2005) Mr. & Mrs. Smith - Very hot! Thrilling and totally [br]satisfying! Like its stars, the movie is flawless and fabulous! The most sizzle you'll see this summer!
(2005) Herbie: Fully Loaded - Herbie is hot and fully entertaining!
(2008) Made of Honor - The rare blend of hilarious and hot.

(2003) The Matrix Reloaded - Awesome
(2006) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Awesome!
(2004) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - An awesome example of movie perfection
(2007) 300 - An epic and awesome experience.
(2003) The Rundown - Awesome, fun, funny...
(2006) Firewall - Awesome!
(2004) A Cinderella Story - Awesome.
(2005) Bad News Bears - Awesome! This summer's must-see!
(2006) Poseidon - Awesome! The most amazing images you'll see on the big screen this summer!
(2004) Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed - Zoinks, this movie is awesome!
(2004) Home on the Range - One of Disney's finest. Awesome for everyone!
(2007) Evan Almighty - Awesome fun for thy whole family! Elephant sized laughs! Divine! Thou shalt laugh a lot!

(2005) Chicken Little - You'll fall for Chicken Little!
(2004) The Alamo - This is The Alamo to remember!
(2004) A Cinderella Story - This is the Cinderella to remember.
(2004) The Princess Diaries 2 - Royally entertaining!
(2005) Constantine - One hell of a good time!
(2008) Semi-Pro - Will Ferrellicious! You'll laugh so hard you'll dribble.
(2006) The Shaggy Dog - Tim Allen shows his comedic pedigree!
(2007) Underdog - See this movie, do not fail! You will leave with a wagging tail!

(2003) Radio - Run, don't walk to this phenomenal film.
(2005) Chicken Little - Run! Don't wait! Like no other movie you've ever seen!
(2007) Surf's Up - One of the most original animated films ever.

(2005) Batman Begins - A masterpiece!
(2004) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - A masterpiece!
(2004) Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow - A masterpiece
(2004) The Phantom of the Opera - A masterpiece!
(2004) The Village - Brilliant! A Masterpiece!
(2004) Barbershop 2: Back In Business - ...A comedic masterpiece that touches the heart.

(2007) Smokin' Aces - The most sophisticated, smartest, coolest action movie in years!
(2007) The Kingdom - The most riveting, provocative, engaging movie experience in years.
(Both Universal releases. Same year. One In January. The other in September.)

(2006) The Prestige - Amazing!
(2005) Sin City - Amazingly entertaining!
(2007) Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - The best Pirates yet! Epic and amazing!
(2003) Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over - The best Spy Kids movie yet!
(2004) Raise Your Voice - film yet...
(2003) What a Girl Wants - The best parent-daughter movie since The Parent Trap! (Which one, Mark?)
(2006) Ice Age: The Meltdown - Brilliant! Funny, action-packed and cooler than the first!
(2008) The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 - Amazing, remarkable chemistry and better than the original!
(2005) Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous - Charming, funny and even better than the original

(2008) Pride and Glory - The most explosive cop drama in years. Brilliant in every way.
(2004) Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events - Enchanting in every way! Diabolically hilarious.
(2004) The Polar Express - The most remarkable film you'll see for years to come.
(2005) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - The most remarkable movie you'll see this year.
(2005) Sin City - Remarkable in every way!
(2003) Matchstick Men - One of the best movies in years! Remarkable and award-worthy in every way.
(2004) The Phantom of the Opera - Visually breathtaking and stunning in every way.
(2008) Speed Racer - Spectacular! Visually stunning. It will blow your mind.
(2005) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Mind-blowingly brilliant!
(2008) The Duchess - This fall's must-see film! Beautiful, breathtaking and fascinating throughout.
(2007) Meet the Robinsons - Exciting! Spectacular! Funny...and absolutely breathtaking from beginning to end!
(2003) The Rundown - Awesome, fun, funny with action sequences that will leave you breathless, but gasping for more.
(2003) Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines - Leaves you gasping for more! See this one again and again!
(2003) Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle -You will see this again and again!

(2003) Beyond Borders - The most powerful and compelling film you will see this year.
(2007) The Kingdom - ...a movie that will grab you, lock you in and not let go till the credits end.
(2007) Premonition - You'll be talking about it long after the end credits...
(2008) The X-Files: I Want To Believe - You'll be feeling this film long after you leave the theater.
(2006) Blood Diamond - An extraordinary film that will leave you changed.
(2006) The Holiday - You will fall in love with this movie.
(2004) The Polar Express - Your heart will soar and you will believe.
(2007) August Rush - Your heart will be singing and your spirit will soar!

(2007) Disturbia - Intense, smart and very cool!
(2003) Identity - An instant classic. The most unique, intense, satisfying film this year!
(2003) S.W.A.T. - Intense, intelligent & the perfect cast!
(2006) Firewall - Intelligent! Satisfying!
(2007) Premonition - Intelligent, thought provoking and intense beyond measure.
(2004) Twisted - Suspense and intrigue beyond your wildest dreams!

(2003) Matchstick Men - Very funny and relentlessly suspenseful!
(2006) Firewall - Intense and relentlessly suspenseful!
(2005) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Fascinating, funny and relentlessly awe-inspiring.
(2005) The Cave - Not since Alien has a movie held an audience in such relentless suspense and shock!
(2003) Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star - Relentlessly funny and full of surprises!
(2006) You, Me and Dupree - Funny, charming and relentlessly honest!

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originally posted: 11/15/08 02:01:21
last updated: 07/31/15 06:54:23
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