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Criticwatch - Whores In The City From Persia

by Erik Childress

In what quite possibly was the worst Memorial Day weekend in history for new movies ever, there are still those that would argue with such a sentiment. Certainly we have had some doozy stinkers over the years. Godzilla. Terminator Salvation, Pearl Harbor. I'll take any of those over this week's two blockbuster wannabes and that may be the last time you hear me say those films are better than anything. I apologize for even raising the debate against such crap buckets. But I would gladly take it up with those who believe it was at least a better double bill than 1994's The Flintstones and Beverly Hills Cop III. Who are these people? And why are they allowed to tell you what they think is good?

I am at a loss when it comes to the Sex and the City films. Perhaps you are better off listening to the critics who were actually fans of the HBO show and now say how much the movies have lost what was so special about them. The 2008 theatrical spinoff was quite atrocious and yet still ended up with mixed reviews. 49% at Rotten Tomatoes with 85 positive out of 173 reviews. The sequel? 137 posted reviews through Sunday night. Only 21 positive. That is 85% negative. Even if it equaled the reviews of the original and got 36 opposable thumbs up it would still only be at 33%. Let's look at the quotes New Line used for the ads in 2008.

Snap out of it, guys, you just might learn something. Sarah Jessica Parker is funny, touching and vital. - Peter Travers
Delightful and surprisingly poignant. It's witty and yes guys, you'll love it too! - Jeffrey Lyons
If you are a woman there is nothing in the world that will keep you from this movie on opening weekend. - Josh Tyrangiel, Time
The best date movie of the summer! - Mark S. Allen
****! A great night out with friends. - Colin Bertram, Daily News
It's an unabashed pleasure that goes down as smoothly as a chilled cosmo. - Claudia Puig
You will love this movie! - Sandy Kenyon
Sex and the City is absolute perfection. - Sandie Newton
Sex and the City sizzles! - Liam Mayclem, CBS-TV
Sexational!...Sex and the City is back, beautiful, and better than ever. - Neil Rosen
Poignant, incisive and proudly outrageous. - Rossiter Drake, The San Francisco Examiner
Writer/director Michael Patrick King has done some brave, surprising things with the movie…it is romantic and consistently very funny. - Carina Chocano

Some choice whores in there. Travers, Lyons, Allen. Who did they end up with this time?

Sexy summer fun is back. - Dean Richards
Don't miss the best party in town. - Pat Collins
A must see. Grab your girls and get to the theatre! - Rosey Edeh, ET Canada
Fun and fabulous! - Vicki Salemi,
Laugh-out-loud hilarious! Sex is even better the second time around. - Scott Mantz
Sex and the City 2 Has 2 Times the glitz and 2 times the glamour. - Russ Simmons

Any commentary seems moot at this point. Fly Dean Richards somewhere to see the movie and you are usually go for quote. Keep an eye on this website. They are making a play to be somebody to watch for 2010-11 pimping for The Back-Up Plan and already for next week's Marmaduke ("The perfect family summer comedy.") And did Russ Simmons actually use the "2" sign when he was saying it alongside Shawn Edwards. Seriously, that quote earns 2 slaps across your mouth. Kinda surprised Travers wasn't in the tank for this one, aren't you? What did he say about Sex and the City Two?

"At two and a half hours, Sex 2 -- like its predecessor -- is a long sit in the shallows, the equivalent of five half-hour episodes strung together."

Um, um, wait a tick. Precisely what are you saying is "like its predecessor?" The two-and-a-half hours part or the "long sit in the shallows" part? Giving you the benefit of the doubt and saying you are making a comparison of the running times still puts you in the bad English department. Crediting you as being an English major suggests something else entirely. You are a guy, are you not? A member of this certain sex that you said would learn something if they just opened their eyes. But now the sequel is "two and a half hours of torture for any guy alive?" A real film critic with a touch of insight might have found a way to compare and contrast why one worked and why the other did not. Instead, he sits there during his shamelessly named "At the Movies with Peter Travers" segment online (where he looks to be slowly morphing into William Hickey) and acts like he has been bothered by the Sex and the City concept all along, going so far to have two women from Rolling Stone choke the life out of him. Such a waste of resources. One of them could have done a choke job on Pete Hammond as well.

Like Pete #1, Pete #2 was also on the ads for the turd-tastrophe that is Disney's Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. They shared space with the studio's exclusive quote champ tramp, Lisa Stanley, who to our knowledge has never been quoted on a film ad that didn't belong to the Mouse House. Hannah Montana. Check. Step Up. Check. She called Persia "a must-see" as she did Bridge To Terabithia and Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland. And to think THIS is what she is like when she is NOT talking about movies. Back to the Peters though. This is the 8th time this year the duo have appeared on a film's ad together (The Book of Eli, Alice In Wonderland, City Island, How To Train Your Dragon, The Greatest, Kick-Ass, Shrek Forever After). You may have disliked some of those. You may have really liked a few. And so did a lot of other critics. More respected critics. Take a cue from the poster and deny the future that allows guys like Hammond to call Prince of Persia:

"A thrilling adventure and just plain fun."

That sounds familiar, Pete. Remind us again about what you think is "fun."

"Full of fun." (Chicken Little)
"A fun, heart-racing adventure" (Race To Witch Mountain)
"Hilarious! Pure family fun: Action, laughs and heart." (G-Force)
"Hilarious and lots of fun for everyone." (Enchanted)
"A triumphant return to Narnia! It's magical and fun. Perfect for all ages." (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian)
"What a movie! A genuine treasure trove of fun and high adventure, loaded with state-of-the-art visual effects that will simply blow you away! As good as gold." (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest)

So that's six quotes for six Disney films, two of which produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Just like Prince of Persia. Do you think you can separate your monotonous hyperbolic brain from the two for a second and give us some non-biased representations of fun?

"Now this is fun stuff!" (Beerfest)
"Terrific fun!" (Starter for 10)
"Outrageous good fun!" (Employee of the Month) (yes with Dane Cook & Jessica Simpson)
"Loaded for fun." (Shoot 'Em Up)
"Mega-tons of fun." (The Incredible Hulk)
"Monstrously funny and clever…genuine fun for the whole family." (Igor)
"A great time at the movies for everyone! Huge laughs, spectacular special effects and the pure animal magnetism of Steve Carell make this the summer movie comedy event that proves to be every bit as much fun as it's meant to be - times two!" (Evan Almighty)
"Gorgeously entertaining! Hilarious flat-out fun. Tops Sex and the City in every way." (The Women)

Leave it to Pete Hammond to bring it full circle. Nothing gets in. Ever.

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originally posted: 05/31/10 14:53:12
last updated: 05/31/10 14:55:03
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