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Criticwatch - The True Twi-Tards
by Erik Childress

Criticwatchers, for once I am at a loss for words. I honestly don't know where to begin when talking about the Twilight films, the books, the characters, the acting; all part of a dim-witted, childishly written agenda piece that disrespects the very genre it cloaks its pretension in. Hey look at that, I knew exactly what to say. As for those who actually like this junk, it is there where I am at a loss. I know it's a hit with the tweens and with middle-aged women who somehow think a vampire with greasy hair is their version of a Calgon male. But why are the quote whores so in love with it? Oh, that's right because they are WHORES. They love everything as long as they get to see it first on the studio dime. Shame on you, Summit, for paying for this garbage.

2008's Twilight
The most anticipated novel-turned-movie to hit the screen since the Harry Potter franchise. Ė Sara Frederick, The Miami Herald
Twilight is the movie to see over and over again. - Earl Dittman
The perfect date movie. - Kevin Steincross
The most epic romance since Titanic. - Emily Christianson,
It rekindles the great Hollywood romances. Ė Richard Corliss
****! Epic! One of the best vampire movies ever. Sexy, stylish and altogether the coolest movie of the year. - Shawn Edwards

2009's The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Edward is the perfect hero: charming, cultured, dangerous. - Evgenia Peretz, Vanity Fair
New Moon delivers a powerful and passionate punch. - Sandie Newton
A must-see event. - Mark S. Allen
Look out world - here comes Taylor Lautner. - Steve Oldfield

2010's The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
***** - Shawn Edward (actual spelling)
Epic. - Maria Salas
Romantic and intense - Mose Persico

For a quick bit of perspective, that very first quote from Sara Frederick of The Miami Herald was not even from a review. It was from a feature about the stars of the film. How's that for desperation? Summit actually could have done worse on the first film. A solid middle-of-the-road 50% rating at Rotten Tomatoes. You don't need to be cribbing from feature articles or using worthless praises from these whores. That's right - WORTHLESS! Unless there is some kind of marketing conspiracy to discredit anything that Time Magazine's Richard Corliss says (read our Toy Story 3 article for more on that), what are you getting out of this? Here I go off again on the studio and their practices though. The answers are clear why they use these people. Because they are a sure thing, Gib. Which means the blame must be redirected back at the feet at the latest round of whores.

Mose Persico calls Eclipse "romantic and intense". Precisely what is this moron's idea of those two things?

Romance anyone?!! A delightful comedy with plenty of 'love' on and off the courts!! (Wimbledon)
This summerís hottest romance! (Alex and Emma)
A fun-filled movie with chills and thrills for the entire family! (The Haunted Mansion)
Brilliant! A captivating adventure thatís thrilling from start to finish. (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian)
Wow! A white knuckle affair from start to finish! (Eagle Eye)
A real nail biter from start to finish! (Dreamcatcher)
A true nail-biter! (Flightplan)
This movie has you gasping for air. (Identity)
What a ride! This is what summer movies are all about! (The Day After Tomorrow)
An exhilarating ride! Action, adventure and plenty of twists! (National Treasure)
Bone-chilling. Hold on for this terrific ride. (The Skeleton Key)
A wild comedic ride! (Taxi)
Gripping and suspenseful! A thriller that shakes you up. (Suspect Zero)
Explosive! Gripping! A blazing suspense thriller! Terrific entertainment! A great time at the movies! (Firewall)

In Mose's defense, those are two words he has never used together before. Maria Salas calls the film "epic" which is how Shawn Edward(s) described the first one. Just for fun, let's look at her versions of "romantic" and "intense."

Legally Blonde meets Sweet Home Alabama. (New In Town)
Funny & romantic. (A Good Year)
A rare gem. (The Time Travelerís Wife)
A romantic, enchanting and beautiful love story. The perfect date movie. (Letters To Juliet)
It will touch your heart like no other film this year. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are the best on-screen couple of our generation. (The Lake House)
Aniston and Butler are an explosive, charming and hilarious combination. (The Bounty Hunter)
Spectacular! Intriguing, romantic and suspenseful! The best epic adventure movie of the summer! (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Manís Chest)
A spellbinding supernatural thriller. (Lady in the Water)
Suspenseful and thrilling. (The Reaping)
Lethal and explosive...Full of laughs! (Next Day Air)
Action-filled and exciting. (Firewall)
An action-filled thriller! It will keep you on the edge of your seat. Riveting. (Knowing)
An action-packed blood-and-metal thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat. (The Hitcher)

Anyone who will pimp for the REMAKE of The Hitcher deserves to be tied between two trucks. Salas' "epic" statement makes Eclipse the 10th film of 2010 to be referred as such in the ads (Agora, Blood Done Sign My Name, The Book of Eli, Clash of the Titans, Green Zone, Mother, My Name Is Khan, Robin Hood, The Warlords) If one of the definitions of "epic" is to "surpass the usual or ordinary, particularly in scope or size" than Maria Salas is an epic shithead.

Iron Man 2, Robin Hood, Letters To Juliet, Just Wright, Shrek Forever After, MacGruber, Sex and the City 2, Prince of Persia, Get Him to the Greek, Killers, Marmaduke, Splice, The A-Team, The Karate Kid, Jonah Hex, Toy Story 3, Knight and Day, Grown Ups

If you like any more than a third of those major releases, you have no use as a critic. Case in point: Pete Hammond reviewed 8 of the 18, liked all 8 and got quoted on five of them.

But all this is just a warm-up for whore du jour, Shawn Edwards. This is the guy who called New Moon "the most romantic movie" of 2009 and Twilight "one of the best vampire movies ever" in the same year that Let the Right One In was released. Clearly this guy wouldn't know a good vampire flick if it showed up on an partly cloudy day and glittered. You want to bite on his idea of romance though?

(2003) A fabulously fresh and totally entertaining battle of the sexes that both women and men will enjoy. Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey are terrific together and sizzle in this knockout of a romantic comedy. (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days)
(2004) **** One of the best romantic movies in years! (At Last)
(2004) ****! The best romantic comedy of the year! (Little Black Book)
(2004) A grand slam. Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst both serve aces in this charming romantic comedy. (Wimbledon)
(2004) **** A seriously irresistible romantic comedy! I loved every second of this crazy, sexy and cool flick. You won't see a movie with more style, verve and romance. (Alfie)
(2005) Tremendously funny. An old-fashioned romantic comedy with a cool contemporary vibe! Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney are a flawless match. (The Wedding Date)
(2006) The best romantic comedy of the year. (A Good Year)
(2008) A refreshingly cool, sophisticated and completely romantic film... (Definitely, Maybe)
(2008) Wonderful! Delightful! Enchanting! The most charming and irresistibly romantic movie you'll likely see all year. I loved it. (Penelope)
(2008) ****! Epic! One of the best vampire movies ever. Sexy, stylish and altogether the coolest movie of the year. (Twilight)
(2009) The most romantic movie of the year! (The Twilight Saga: New Moon)
(2010) Sexy, fun and fresh! Queen Latifah and Common are perfect together. Just Wright is a soulful romantic classic you'll instantly fall in love with. (Just Wright)

That covers "romantic." How about "intense" there, Shawn?

(2005) Unlock the secret of the best thriller of the year. Totally creepy and intense (The Skeleton Key)
(2006) Dynamic. Exhilarating. Exciting. Entertaining. The best movie of the year! One of the most entertaining, exciting and intense movies ever made. (I Am Legend)
(2006) ****. Stylish, sexy and riveting!...More intense and entertaining than The Departed. (We Own the Night)
(2007) An intelligent and intense thriller. (1408)
(2008) Intelligent and intense. (Vantage Point)
(2008) Intense! Samuel L. Jackson is brilliant. ****! It grips you and never lets go. (Lakeview Terrace)
(2009) A creepy and intense thriller. (The Uninvited)

The only thing Shawn has ever been quoted as calling "epic" is the first Twilight. Hope the marketers at Summit feel real special about that. Here's the deal, guys. Feel free to invite these whores to your early screenings all you want and either use their words or write some for them. But we're going to keep clipping them at the knees. So anyone who knows the game and the names will know how false their praise is. The regular comments on Pete Hammond's positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes are just a little taste. It's pretty sad to see that these junket jackasses get everything on a golden platter from you while real critics can't see the film until two days before it opens and are forced to turn in their cell phones on the way in because WE are the ones that can't be trusted. That's almost as big a joke as Mose Persico or Maria Salas or Shawn Edwards.

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originally posted: 06/26/10 23:25:33
last updated: 10/12/18 00:34:01
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