|by Greg Muskewitz
I've always wanted to do a "sexy" list where I pick who I found to be the most pulchritudinous, but have always been a little hesitant for two reasons: 1) I don't like having a set number to try and have to include as many as possible, and then work down to that one coveted position. Sure, I have someone for the spot, but each actress has something different, unique, je ne sais quoi, from the next, so for the spots of 2-50, or however many slots I've set aside, I'm always rearranging, rotating, adding and eliminating. 2) Once I name them, suddenly people will jump out of nowhere and onto the bandwagon of some sort. I do not deny that others could be just as hypnotized or vehement about these actresses, and that some could have been fawning over them longer than I. And since I obviously cannot have them for my own (darn it!) I figure I might as well attract attention to those attributes that hooked me. It never hurts to have a following --even if it is limited in numbers, and there will no doubt be numerous additions from the time I finish composing this to the end of the year, etc. So instead of a straightforward list of, say, 1 through 50, I created a category in which they reign, something that illuminates and propels these actresses to the sexy status they hold me captive in. On, I say, on!
Number One Favorite and Sexiest Actress [American/Canadian]- Neve Campbell:
No one grabs my attention and heart like Neve does. With noticeability since "Party of Five" and "The Craft," Neve really hooked me with "Scream" on forward, and who can deny the sexuality she inveigled with in "Wild Things?" Her on-screen personality (as well as in magazines and interviews) is genuine, sweet and charismatic. Hairstyles are all obescient, she's got an adorable laugh, splendiferous freckles, and a lovely smile. And I like her big teeth. Her selection in roles adeptly showcases all of her strong, prevalent talents, and she always fills me with inspiration. Naturally she doesn't equal up to a career of, say, Meryl Streep, but her career has just begun, and with what she does choose, it fits her so well. As with most, give her time and you will see her grow. Neve comes across so down to earth, I like the way she's so into keeping her privacy (specifically about dating, etc.) and respect her because of it. And what a beautiful, original name for an equally beautiful and original woman!
Most Naturally Beautiful- Natalie Portman:
Natalie has entranced me since "The Professional," rocked my heart since "Beautiful Girls" and "Mars Attacks!" and made me yearn for her even more in "Anywhere but Here" and "Where the Heart Is." Naturally sexy and austere, Natalie needs no ornamentation to look spiced up and stunning; it's all there all the time. She's extremely smart --a sexy trait in my books-- and everything just falls so nicely in place for her. I love how goal-oriented Natalie is, so realistic (any interview she does just brims with her personality) and I find her mind to be just as attractive. She has this strong ability to connect to the audience; whether it's her catchy, lovable grin and giggle, or her deeply affecting cry and passion (she gets me any times she points those lips downward), she is convincing and other-worldly. I strongly respect Natalie's discipline and dedication to school, work, movies, etc., and really, the only thing that keeps her below Neve or Christina, is her choice in roles. She started out doing these audacious, wildly original characters ("The Professional" and "Beautiful Girls" mostly in mind), and when I see her doing such "plain" movies as "Anywhere" or "Heart," I'm frustrated not to see the same type of flying color-like creativity that was especially prevalent early on. Natalie still amazes me no matter what she's in, but she's always a mile ahead of it all. I find her to be an excellent role model for myself, and for others as well.
Sexiest International Actress- Vahina Giocante:
Vahina was up against some tough competition (Sabine Azéma, Zhang Ziyi, Thandie Newton, Victoria Abril, Björk, Zoë Bui, Tran Nu Yên-Khê, Franka Potente, Zhou Xun, Penelope Cruz, and so many more), but the 19-year-old French actress from "Marie Baie Des Anges" wins out. That film was made several years ago, and now three years later she may no longer contain the beauty she did then (for I have not seen her in anything since), but her attractiveness will forever be caught at the very least, during that time. Vahina has a seductive body, beautiful skin color, a sweet face, and youthful characteristics. And like Neve, she's never (as-of-yet) done nudity, so I am in no way basing it off of that. I would like to see her in films more often, though.
Most Intellectually Sexy and Charming: Leelee Sobieski:
Leelee was the only thing I liked at all in "Jungle2Jungle" (wearing that hot orange dress), and although she may not be your universal sexy, her pretty face, alluring body in addition to her opinionated mind, make her a great combination. Leelee naturally draws attention to herself, as in "Deep Impact," and was able to emanate sexy acting in "A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries." She's tall, tan, leggy and so perfectly groomed. Leelee is someone that I'd love to sit and talk with and just chat away. She'd be a great movie-going partner; like Siskel and Ebert, it would be awesome to argue and agree over movies and life, or whatever. It would just be so interesting to be around her. Leelee, like Natalie, has a naturally high maturity quotient. (What a concept, sitting outside a movie theatre with Natalie and Leelee and fighting over what was best and worst. These are girls that make their opinions count.)
Sexiest Diversified Actress- Christina Ricci:
Although I said that Neve has a nice résumé, it isn’t nearly as good or distinguished as Christina's. Ever since "Mermaids," "The Addams Family" and "Casper," I've been in love with Christina. She inspired me to write my first screenplay, in which I have graciously written her the lead role. I have probably had a crush on Christina longer than any one other actress or person --even more than Neve; although it will fluctuated here and there between long gaps of movies, her acting talent is so strong and superior to most. And shut up about her forehead. Yeah, so what if it's big, it is also the Sexiest Forehead out there. Are people intimidated because of it because they know that she has the brains to fill it? I like Christina's ethics, personality and diversity. I imagine her as someone wholly entertaining to be around; whether it's the trouble she gets herself into in interviews, or whatever, Christina is very unique and formidable. One of these days she will be at the very top (in my books, she already is). I see a long and illustrious career ahead of her, and hopefully one of these days I will actually get to see "I Woke up Early the Day I Died." Christina is definitely going to be a multi-Oscar winner (she'll probably get into directing as well) --hell, she should have won for "The Opposite of Sex." (And what a breathtaker she was in "Sleepy Hollow!")
Professionally and Subtlety Sexy- Sarah Polley:
Adorable as a kid in "The Adventures of Baron Münchaussen," Polley really enraptured me in "The Sweet Hereafter." No actress of her age has quite shown both the maturity on and off screen as Sarah has exhibited through much of her political activism, etc. (Though Natalie does come close, albeit a couple years younger.) She's politically aware, though maybe mostly with her Canadian government, it doesn't handicap her in the slightest, and she's also very verbal, very attractive --and like Leelee, she isn't afraid to share her thoughts. Usually (unfortunately) in bit pieces ("The Hanging Garden," "Last Night") she is a great ingredient, and even better whilst in the spotlight: "Go," "Guinevere." Even when she isn't made to look pretty, like in "eXistenZ," Sarah's a strong presence with heavy talent. And going above and beyond the call of duty, Sarah additionally rocks with her vocal gifts; her songs on "The Sweet Hereafter" soundtrack are haunting, eloquent and beautiful. She's your all-natural American girl next door, only she's Canadian.
Sexiest Neophytes- Elaine Cassidy and Anna Faris:
Elaine was the hot spot in "Felicia's Journey," and carries with her an undeniable mysterious beauty. Magnetizingly attractive, she lured me with her on-screen vulnerability, silky hair, light skin tone and elegant movements. Elaine is easily desirable, especially with her accent, and she has these spectacularly beautiful round, solid eyes of coal that are absolutely piercing. Anna, from "Scary Movie," is just as cute as a button. As a brunette or a blonde ("Lovers' Lane"), she's got a lovely face, with a cute, cute nose. Her face flows together and makes it as appealing as it is, from the naïve eyes, to the nose, and then the formation of her lips and the way she twists and purses them while speaking. There are some people who I love to watch speak because of the motions in their face, and Anna is one of them. Hopefully they'll revive her for the sequel, or at least get her working in a decent rotation.
Pure Sexuality- Jane March:
It may be an awfully plain name, but no one quite sexually stirs me like Jane. She'll make the most ascetic Mormon a lust-monger with her delicate, but sensually drenched body. To see her nude in "The Lover" is one of the hidden wonders of the world. She is the image you expect to see when the movie "And God Created Women" starts. Jane has a great body structure, gorgeous, plump breasts, what you would call a "full" derriere, and beautiful pores. You breathe her. You feel her. Unfortunately, "The Lover" typecast her into a nude/seductress character type as seen in "The Color of Night," and she has but all been reduced to a direct-to-video and TV movie actress. If you can take your eyes away from her delicious bod, she also has a pretty face, youthful, and in the big-toothed, button-nosed way, she kind of reminds me a little of Neve. But no matter where you go, she's 150% salacious --even in "Tarzan and the Lost City."
Sexiest, Most Unnoticed Actress- Eliza Dushku:
I don't watch "Buffy," but at least there are some people who know her as Faith from there. Go back to 1993 with "That Night." Even when I was 12-years-old I couldn't deny how delectable Eliza was, and still is, with her intuitive and expressive eyes! Her eyes are the best! Dushku is so bright-faced and luminous, you could charge a solar power vehicle from the light she emits. Flash to 2000, and she was in "Bring It On" as a hot cheerleader. Now in addition, you can see the sparkle in Eliza's lips. Beauty pours off of her. I don't know how Hollywood couldn't have turned her into an event by now, but there's a certain reality, a certain un-Hollywoodness about her. Kiss my ass Angelina Jolie, Eliza has the red-hot lips, glowing eyes, and a svelte body to boot.
Sexy Name to Match Sexy Actress- Chloë Sevigny:
I was introduced to Chloë by collegeaue Duncan Shepherd. Unfortunately, when I mean introduced, I mean pointed-out in the movies. She floats in "The Last Days of Disco" and in the passing time, has become quite the It Girl. I will always know that Duncan knew first! She's got a majestic face, a sexy, smooth nose, a genuine smile, and she even looked great as a bleached blonde in "Gummo." (The only thing that looked good in "Gummo!") Chloë's name resonates with seduction, just as her body does. She is able to do unsexy nudity, as in "Kids," and then sexy nudity, like in "Boys Don't Cry," where she should have won the Best Supporting Actress Award instead of that spooky Angelina Jolie. Her natural blonde tresses are just as alluring, and her Chloë's soft, calm voice is as palpable as the Pied Piper's.
Sexiest Older Celebs- Joan Allen and Mia Farrow:
Joan has a really natural and expressive face. She was really efficacious in “Pleasantville” and “The Icestorm.” Her thin, frail body doesn’t necessarily do anything for me (and that was especially pertinent in “The Icestorm”), but her face is very appealing, deriving from her sharp cheekbones and charming smile. It is a strong attractiveness. Mia looked her best in “Rosemary’s Baby” –that is, until she got that “super model” trim. Mia has deep eyes, a gorgeous complexion, and a very nice body, but sexy in a frail way that Joan is not. Mia is not curvy, but she has a certain way she carries herself. And she is still adorable today in an Anna Faris-way. Despite her age, there is still a lot of beauty in her face.
Sexiest Model-cum-Actress- Michelle Hicks and Milla Jovovich:
There are so many in this category to choose from! (And the cast of “Head Over Heels” are disqualified just for being in that mess.) Michelle, who has only done the touching “Twin Falls Idaho” didn’t even have to shed her clothes to jointed-win this “coveted” position. Her whitish face and natural looks mixed with her on-screen sensitivity and elegance make her a fav. She often reminds me of Uma Thurman, but Michelle, judging only from that one role, shows that less is more, and doesn’t come off as awkward as Uma sometimes does. Milla, with the exception of “The Messenger,” has always been hot. Whether it’s bright red hair (“The Fifth Element”) a white wig (“He Got Game”) or natural brown locks (“Return to the Blue Lagoon”), her slender body type, smallish, perky breasts, and unique face add up very nicely. It is always enjoyable to go back and watch her incarnation of Leelou in “The Fifth Element,” but it was also great to see her expanding her horizons in “The Claim.”
Sexiest Chameleon- Patricia Arquette:
Although that may not sound particularly flattering, from “Rollerboys” to “The Hi-Lo Country” to “Nightmare on Elm Street 3” to “Goodbye, Lover,” “Lost Highway” and early on during “Stigmata,” Patricia has always been a visually stunning beauty, with an additionally cute, high-pitched voice. No matter what, Patricia is the chicist of all the Arquettes, and throughout the tremendous variety of characters she plays and of which she is constantly changing her physical appearance (not to mention variety of different character types she plays), Patricia is always alluring in her many personas.
Sexiest Voice- Linda Fiorentino:
Linda herself is also very hot, but her voice tends to dominate whatever is in earshot. I had the hots for Linda when I was 13. I think that’s how old I was when I first saw “The Last Seduction,” and what an indelible impression she left me after that! But she’s got a husky, recognizable and mellifluous voice, and upon the delivery of her lines, unintentionally draws turn-on-attraction to it. Whether it’s “Men in Black,” “Dogma,” “Unforgettable,” or others, that voice is very distinct. Unfortunately, she never seems to grab enough attention or notice outside of her sexpot role in “The Last Seduction,” and that’s a shame.
Sexiest Rumored Anorexic- Calista Flockhart:
Okay, I know I’m stretching with this category, but I had to include her somewhere. I don’t believe that Calista is anorexic, so who cares if she’s bony? And, even if she is, although it would be wise to get help for it, people should leave that for her to deal with. Calista has a sweet, large, natural smile (when Natalie grins big, they resemble each other), a beautiful face, and a stylish presence on “Ally McBeal.” However, she definitely deserves to be on the big screen more often.
Sexiest Shakespearean Scholar- Julia Stiles:
I had the pleasure of meeting with and talking to Julia once while I was in New York, and it is quite a memorable experience for me. She’s got a somewhat large head (even more prevalent in person than on screen), but it’s a trademark of sexiness that she brings to it. Julia has small, pretty eyes, a perky, though slightly big-boned body (it’s hard to notice), and my second favorite thing about her is her gorgeous, catty smile (I love her teeth too!). But as far as I’m concerned, she reigns as having the sexiest, round little nose. It’s like Millicent’s nose as described in the short story “On Guard .” It is a nose that I would love to kiss. Julia is extremely natural, and I haven’t been able to forget her since “10 Things I Hate About You.” Elegant in her speech, and cleverly selective in her choices, she makes Shakespeare purr. (Up next, “O,” an updated version of “Othello.”)
Sexiest Wanna-Be Renegade- Jessica Biel:
The wanna-be is only because she only got semi-nude in “Gear” when she wanted to break her good-girl look and get fired from “Seventh Heaven.” If she wanted to make a point, she should have gone all the way. But anyway, Jessica has a great physically constructed body, great musculature, a cute, slightly pointed nose, and an almost tomboyish appeal. She looks good tan (the pasty look would not suit her at all) and as seen in “Gear,” looks better with less clothes. Hint: Next time you might want to lose it all and do it right.)
Sexiest Marilyn Monroe Look-a-Like- Mary Vivian Pearce:
Hah! And you thought I was gonna say Madonna. There was a time and point, although it is not any longer, when Mary resembled Marilyn, but currently, the John Waters’ staple has put on some weight. But back in the days of “Hag in a Leather Jacket,” “Mondo Trasho,” “Multiple Maniacs” and “Pink Flamingos,” she was just radiant and glitzy. Light complexion, peroxided hair, semi-trashy look –she secreted hormones! I suppose that of all the actresses that bared themselves for Waters, that I am disappointed she was never one of them.
Sexy without a Category- Selma Blair:
Pretty much a newbie, she was a hottie in “Zoë, Duncan, Jack & Jane” and had a salacious lesbian kiss in “Cruel Intentions.” (Sarah Michelle Gellar had nothing to do with that; the whole reason I would buy that movie is just for the end of the bargain with Selma.) Selma’s face is cute, maybe a little more common than the others (she is sort of reminiscent of Linda Fiorentino), but she has a naïve quality, and looks great in a bikini (see “Bikini Magazine”).
Sexiest Duo Who Nobody Else would Admit to Thinking was Sexy- Clea Du Vall and Natasha Lyonne:
Despite the serenity of their sexual appeal (meaning they don’t quite match the calm minimalism of Sarah Polley or Natalie Portman), I am still very attracted to them for their unique presentations on screen. Considering that there is not much publicity around either of these actresses, I know very little about them personally, but I enjoy most of the roles they choose and am very entertained with their mannerisms. And consequently, I liked them both separately before “But I’m a Cheerleader”; “The Faculty” for Clea, and “Everyone Says I Love You”/ “Slums of Beverly Hills” for Natasha.
Sexiest Non-Celeb (of the Moment)- Colleen Haskell:
“Survivor” one day, America’s Sweetheart the next. (Well, she beats the hell out of Julia Roberts.) Forget the bug bites and hairy legs, Colleen has a sexy, small, thin body, spectacular tan (hmmm, I wonder why), a radiant smile, cute beady eyes, and a bubbly, lovable personality. Colleen is what I would consider a cuddler. What guy wouldn’t want to wrap his arms around her? Rumor has it that she’s going to be in a movie with Rob Schneider called “The Animal.” How scary! Maybe her taste in movie material isn’t as conducive as her personality.
link directly to this feature at https://www.efilmcritic.com/feature.php?feature=319
originally posted: 02/06/01 12:05:22
last updated: 12/28/04 08:51:02