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Criticwatch - A Pete Hammond 2011 Retrospective

by Erik Childress

Welcome to Whore Week at eFilmCritic, brought to you by Criticwatch. For the next several days we are going to be bringing you the worst in junketeers, quote whores, propaganda sluts or whatever you want to label them. It's all a countdown to our annual list of the worst Whores of the Year and we're going to begin by providing you with the reasons we have named our top awards after the two Petes - Travers and Hammond. Both are so go ingrained in the national consciousness of whoredom that they have become the Ty Cobb and Cy Young of the game.

Pete Hammond is in many ways worse than Peter Travers. For one, he completely denies the extent of his whoredom. Of 66 reviews he posted to Rotten Tomatoes in 2011, 56 of them were positive. FIFTY-SIX!!! It's not like he just wrote stuff for the best the year had to offer. The general consensus of critics produced Rotten ratings for 33 of those films. HALF!!! Sure, big props to Hammond for dissing Green Lantern, Zookeeper and New Year's Eve. But there were also positive reviews for Something Borrowed, Prom and HOP! Yes, Hammond does actually write reviews which is more than we can say for most whores. But like Travers, what comes first? The review or the easily digestible quote that the studio can sell?

One can always spot a whore through two things - repetition and contradiction. They are dumb enough to not pay attention to what is coming out of their own mouths from week-to-week and thus provide no context between whatever praise and negativity they bestow upon the movies they review. Kind of a major point when calling oneself a film critic which, of course, Hammond should never be referred to. He's a marketing arm for the studio who should be stricken from ever talking about movies, interviewing filmmakers at Q&A's where he is frequently paid, and settling down into the job he was born for - writing copy for film festival books where everything is great, provocative and a must see.

Pete Hammond was quoted on 44 films in 2011, squeezing in one more on Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (one of the very WORST films of the year) to outdo his tally of 43 in 2010. Hammond hasn't cracked the 50 mark since his record-breaking Criticwatch tally of 88 quotes in 2007. We are setting the goal for studios in 2012 to keep him under 35. It is time to officially phase this clown out so that they can concentrate on critics whose names actually mean something. Cause how can Hammond's mean anything but "joke-whore-slut-suck" once you get yourself through what he gave us in 2011? Forgive us when we have to call a time-out on the 2011 countdown.

The must-see movie event of 2011. (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2)
Wanna have a good time, DO NOT MISS THIS MOVIE! (The Change-Up)
Not to be missed! (The Guard)
Don't miss The Whistleblower. (The Whistleblower)
Riveting. A must-see! (Warrior)
A must see! (There Be Dragons)
Susanne Bier has crafted a riveting movie that must be seen. (In a Better World)
*****. Remarkable. Riveting. Oscar-worthy. This is a must-see with the ability to change hearts and minds. (A Better Life)
A powerful, important, humane and uncompromising film. (In the Land of Blood and Honey)
A must-see movie that will have you talking long afterwards. (Trust)
Robert Redford has crafted a revealing look into our history that you only thought you knew. Riveting and suspenseful from start to finish. (The Conspirator)
You will be transported in eye-popping ways you won't believe. (Hugo)
You will be standing and cheering. (Real Steel)

*********************************TIMEOUT #1*********************************
Play mix and match with these past Hammond quotes with the ones above

The one movie that is so inspiring you'll stand up and cheer. (Swing Vote)
Rocky will have you cheering all over again. (Rocky Balboa)
You’ll definitely want to stand up and cheer for Charlie Wilson. (Charlie Wilson’s War)
If this movie doesn’t make you want to stand up and cheer you probably don’t have a pulse! (Invincible)
Shocking, funny, maddening and sad. Something that will have you talking long after leaving the theatre. (Who Killed the Electric Car?)
A true shocker that will shatter your nerves and get you talking. (The Brave One)
Will have you talking long after leaving the theatre. Unforgettable. (Talk to Me)
Transports you to an alternate world of jaw-dropping awe and unforgettable adventure. (The Golden Compass)
Head straight to Cars! The perfect summer joyride from start to finish line! (Cars)
It will have you laughing from start to finish. (How To Lose Friends and Alienate People)
Pure entertainment from start to finish. (High School Musical 3)
A gripping psychological thriller that will have you guessing from start to finish. (Premonition)
Pulse-pounding. Heart-racing excitement from start to finish. (Valkyrie)
Heart-pounding action! Total entertainment from start to finish! (National Treasure: Book of Secrets)

*************************RESUME THE 2011 COUNTDOWN*************************

**** A 3-D event. (Kung Fu Panda 2)
Magical, imaginative and wonderful. The best use of 3-D in any film ever and that includes Avatar. Hugo is not only a great family film, it's a great film, period. A masterpiece from Martin Scorsese. One of the year's best movies. (Hugo)
Funny, warm and wonderful with great 3-D! (Mars Needs Moms)
A wonderfully clever delight. The laughs don't stop coming in this richly funny and entertaining movie treat for all ages. (Hop)
Wonderful! A movie treat full of heart and laughs. (Gnomeo & Juliet)
A wonderful, entertaining and unforgettable movie. (Dolphin Tale)

*************************************TIMEOUT #2*************************************
Sorry to use our timeouts like Lovie Smith, but we don't want to forget anything.

An unforgettable, touching and wonderful movie. (The Last Song)
Unforgettable…Sure to be one of the year's most controversial films. (The Stoning of Soraya M.)
A remarkably accomplished and moving film. An unforgettable experience you don't want to miss. (Fugitive Pieces)
An unforgettable movie experience. (Bobby)
An unforgettable cinematic experience. (Into the Wild)
An unforgettable motion picture experience. (The Guardian)
An unforgettable motion picture experience. Powerful and moving beyond words. (The Boy in the Striped Pajamas)

An exceptionally good comedy loaded with laughs, heart and wonderful performances. This is one to see! (My One and Only)
A wonderful film that will touch your heart and lift your spirits. (Last Chance Harvey)
Truly inspiring. Grabs you by the heart in unexpected and wonderful ways. (Akeelah and the Bee)
Hilarious and heartwarming (17 Again)
Truly Awesome. Hilarious, heartwarming entertainment for all ages. (Toy Story 3)
Awesome! Hilarious! More laughs, excitement and heart than any other comedy this year. (Bolt)
Hilarious! Pure family fun: Action, laughs and heart. (G-Force)
Big laughs with a lot of heart. (Drillbit Taylor)
Magnificent! A truly exciting, beautifully made movie. (Secretariat)
Truly chilling and frightening in every way. (The Last Exorcism)
A truly frightening movie experience... (The Uninvited)
A truly outstanding crime drama. (The Lookout)
A truly memorable movie experience like no other. (Paris, je Ta’ime)
A rare original. A truly inventive and totally wacky tale of love. A real find. (Eagle vs. Shark)
A hilarious, honest, edgy and painfully funny movie that truly proves men and women really are from different planets. (The Break-Up)

*************************RESUME THE 2011 COUNTDOWN*************************

Hilarious & heartwarming. (Mr. Popper's Penguins)
Exciting, funny, and heartwarming (Real Steel)
Magnificent! (African Cats)
Truly magnificent! Visually stunning. (The Flowers of War)
The first truly great movie in 2011. (In a Better World)
Truly inspiring. (Dolphin Tale)
Funny, touching, inspiring. (The Help)
An incredible and inspiring story of redemption and determination. (Machine Gun Preacher)
An inspiring, stirring, unforgettable human drama. (The Flowers of War)
An unforgettable experience! (Warrior)
A film you won't forget anytime soon. (Skateland)
A towering, unforgettable epic (There Be Dragons)
Michael Shannon in a towering performance. (Take Shelter)

Extraordinary! (In a Better World)
Extraordinary! (Chasing Madoff)
Extraordinary. An emotional powerhouse. (Extremely Loud & Incredible close)
Brilliant! (In the Land of Blood and Honey)
Brilliant! (The Conspirator)
Rachel Weisz is brilliant! (The Whistleblower)
A real contender for Best Picture Musical or comedy. Michelle Williams is sexy, vulnerable, fragile, alluring, seductive, delectable, complex and all things in between. Kenneth Branagh is a surefire acting nominee and Judi Dench is terrific! (My Week With Marilyn)
The entire cast is brilliant. (The Help)
A brilliantly funny cast. (Meeting Spencer)
A brilliant ensemble cast led by Christian Bale who proves again he may be the best actor of his generation. (The Flowers of War)
The entire cast shines! (Something Borrowed)
A great script and two beautifully matched actors. (The Guard)
Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts prove to be a dream screen team. (Larry Crowne)
A refreshingly honest and original love story with superb performances. (Waiting For Forever)
The Office's Jenna Fischer gives a terrific gem of a performance... (A Little Help)
A terrific coming-of-age movie with an extraordinary and talented ensemble cast of hot new stars. (Skateland)

Challenging and provocative. (Trust)
Sensational. Gripping and powerful. (Contagion)
A pulse-pounding thriller. (The Whistleblower)
A major cinematic achievement. (In a Better World)
An astonishing writing and directorial debut from Angelina Jolie. (In the Land of Blood and Honey)
...A huge winner! (Real Steel)
Director Roland Joffe returns to the stirring tradition of his greatest films, The Killing Fields and The Mission. (There Be Dragons)
It reminded me of classics like The Last Picture Show and American Graffiti. (Skateland)
The perfect cross between Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones (The Adventures of Tintin)
The perfect summer movie. (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides)
The perfect summer comedy. (Larry Crowne)
The perfect family film in every way. (Mars Needs Moms)
It's the real life Lion King. (African Cats)
The greatest animated triumph since Toy Story 3. (Rio)

*********************THROWING THE CHALLENGE FLAG*********************
In-between Toy Story 3 and Rio - a mere ten months - Hammond got quoted on four animated films.

Wonderful! A movie treat full of heart and laughs. (Gnomeo & Juliet)
Megamind soars! A hilarious comedy event. (Megamind)
Funny, warm and wonderful with great 3D! The perfect family film in every way. (Mars Needs Moms)
It's impossible to have a better time at the movies this summer. (Despicable Me)

One month prior to Toy Story 3 he had already declared Shrek Forever After as "the funniest film of the year!" Or " The best comedy of the year!" depending on which quote of his you saw - and his name WAS attached to both. A "comedy event", "the perfect family film in every way" and a declaration of impossibility in having "a better time at the movies" in the same summer that already gave us Toy Story 3 not to mention "the funniest film of the year." Let's go into the booth to review some more Hammond incompletions.

The perfect summer joyride from start to finish line! (Cars)
Perfect for all ages. (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian)
Here’s the perfect grown-up summer entertainment (Miami Vice)
Perfect summer entertainment (Angels and Demons)
The perfect holiday film. (Bolt)
The perfect holiday film, a fantastic fusion of humor, heart and pure excitement. The most wondrous film of its kind since E.T (The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep)
The best action movie since The Bourne Ultimatum. (Taken)
William Friedkin's most daring movie since The Exorcist! (Bug)
Scene for scene the most explosively funny movie Ben Stiller and the Farrelly Brothers have made since There’s Something About Mary. (The Heartbreak Kid)
DeNiro's best screen work in years. (What Just Happened?)
One of the most powerful films in years. (Reign Over Me)
One of the most erotic and exhilarating movies in years. (Match Point)
Woody Allen is back in style with his funniest movie in many years. (Scoop)
One of the best American comedies in years (The Break-Up)
One of the funniest films in many years. (Borat)
As big, breathtakingly exciting and relentlessly thrilling as any epic adventure the screen has seen in many years! (King Kong)
The best action film in years! (The A-Team)
The most visually inventive, trailblazing film of its kind in light years. (Wanted)

After further review, light years measure distance and not time. Pete Hammond is a dumbshit. Criticwatch is not charged with a timeout.

*************************RESUME THE 2011 COUNTDOWN*************************

Paul makes going to the movies fun again. (Paul)
Undeniably entertaining! (Meeting Spencer)
Pure solid-gold entertainment! (Larry Crowne)
One of the most purely entertaining films of the year! (My Week With Marilyn)
Warrior packs the kind of punch-to-the-gut wallop the screen hasn't seen in years. (Warrior)
The best one yet. The most spectacular and exhilarating action sequences the screen has seen in years. (Fast Five)
Even better than the first. (Cars 2)
The best Pirates ever. (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides)
The best comedy of 2011...period. (Bridesmaids)

This is the group everyone is going to want to hang with this summer. More laugh out loud moments...than any comedy in memory. (Bridesmaids)
This summer's freshest, raunchiest, smartest comedy surprise. A movie fully charged with huge booming laughs and a big heart. (The Change-Up)
Smart, sexy and funny. (Something Borrowed)
So funny, so charming and so irresistible, one look into his eyes and you'll be swept away. (Puss In Boots)
One of the funniest films this year. (The Big Year)
A comic masterpiece and the best part is it's all real (Exporting Raymond)

Real Steel is the real deal. (Real Steel)
Something Borrowed is something terrific. (Something Borrowed)
A hard driving adrenaline pumping blast that leaves everything else in its dust. (Fast Five)
A total gas! Cars 2 revs up the action and laughs. (Cars 2)
These boots are made for rocking. (Puss In Boots)

*************************************FINAL TIMEOUT*************************************
And this should seal the deal.

Madly inventive. (Alice In Wonderland)
Incredibly exciting and powerfully human! (Superman Returns)
Definitely worth leaving home for! (Failure To Launch)
Zac Efron shoots and scores! (17 Again)
The Longshots scores! A big winner for the whole family. (The Longshots)
A comic touchdown for The Rock! (The Game Plan)
Burns up the screen (Lakeview Terrace)
An explosive real-life screen thriller. (Catch a Fire)
A total blast. (Fired Up)
Hilarious! It's a blast! The comic force is with Fanboys. (Fanboys)
Hilarious! A nonstop laughing spree. (Confessions of a Shopaholic)
It's raining big food and big laughs. (Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs)
It's the…prescription for what ails you: loads of laughs! (Charlie Bartlett)
It…just may kill you with laughs. (Death at a Funeral)
The bust-a-gut, roll-in-the-aisle funniest movie of the year. Do yourself a favor and crash this 'Wedding'! (Wedding Crashers)
You'll laugh your Heineken off! (Beerfest)
Shocking...a genuinely terrifying trip! (Turistas)
One terrifying trip. Fasten your seatbelts and hang onto your seats for a first-rate thriller. Suspenseful and gripping. (Flightplan)
Strap yourself in for a blistering, super-charged ride. This time around the fast and furious action is simply off the charts! (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift)
A high octane, revved up southern fried good time with an irresistible cast. (The Dukes of Hazzard)
A+ for laughs and genuine comic smarts! (School for Scoundrels)

Megamind soars! (Megamind)
Fly Me to the Moon soars (Fly Me To The Moon)
Amelia simply soars. (Amelia)
Stealth takes your breath away. For sheer non-stop action and aerial thrills this movie just soars above the rest! (Stealth)
Full of fun. With big out-of-this-world laughter. (Chicken Little)
Monstrous laughs! (Monsters vs. Aliens)
Monstrously funny and clever (Igor)
A fun, heart-racing adventure (Race To Witch Mountain)
Huge laughs, spectacular special effects and the pure animal magnetism of Steve Carell make this the summer movie comedy event that proves to be every bit as much fun as it's meant to be - times two! (Evan Almighty)
A doggone hilarious treat! (The Shaggy Dog)
One comedy will have you begging for more! (Hotel for Dogs)
It will crawl under your skin! (Bug)
Dives into the heart of a true hero. (The Guardian)
A non-stop action film that doesn't come up for air. (Poseidon)
A landslide comedy winner. (Swing Vote)
A sure-fire winner! (Glory Road)
A gold medal comedy winner. (Blades of Glory)
Gets the gold medal for genuine heart and comic inspiration (The Ringer)
A winning bet at the movies. (Even Money)
This one hits the jackpot as a sleek and stylish caper flick even Sinatra himself would have loved (Ocean's Thirteen)
What a movie! A genuine treasure trove of fun and high adventure, loaded with state-of-the-art visual effects that will simply blow you away! As good as gold. (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest)
Nobel takes the prize. (Nobel Son)

Will keep you on the edge of your seat. (Edge of Darkness)
Super great in every way. (Superbad)
Jumps waaaaaay over the top on the laugh meter! (Over the Hedge)
Destined to become the most hilarious rock epic ever. (Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny)
This is the real deal! (Lars and the Real Girl)
A total knockout! The real deal. (Fighting)

We will shake the hand of anyone who goes up to Pete Hammond and asks which film really is the real deal - Fighting, Lars and the Real Girl, or Real Steel. Embarrassing is a word that does not even fit this idiot, one of the biggest whores to come down the pike in years. How can he look filmmakers and actors in the eye knowing that he said crap like this about their films. Probably because he is shameless, clueless, talentless and frankly wouldn't know a bad movie to save his own mother money. 35 is just a number. A smaller number that Criticwatch has thrown out there to encourage studios to back off and save themselves the mortification and untrustworthiness that Hammond attaches to every one of his quotes. The number we want to see in 2012 is ZERO.

link directly to this feature at
originally posted: 12/27/11 10:34:48
last updated: 12/28/11 03:25:43
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