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Criticwatch - Wrapping Quote Whores Up For 2011

by Erik Childress

So we come to the end of Whore Week at eFilmCritic. Response as always has been fantastic. Sure, we can be mean but we try to do it with a sense of humor and satire and never take shots beyond the "work" these folks do and the presentation of themselves in the public spotlight. The "taste" we question is not against our own personal views but of the general consensus of professionals. "Taste" is also only just a portion of Criticwatch's fire. We are happy to let the reader manage their own feelings on the quotes for the films in question. Instead, we focus more on the repetitive nature of quote-givers and takers who do not even take the time to focus their thoughts to the page. Anyone not writing reviews and being quoted regularly is immediately subject to the scrutiny that they may have partaken in the common and not-so-secret practice of the opportunity to select a pre-written bit of hyperbole that fits the marketing scheme of the film in question. That, my faithful friends, is a quote whore.

Alas, we take one last look down the rabbit hole of 2011 where we do offer some of our own choices, based on our own feelings and "taste" on some of the most ridiculous quotes of the year. In some cases, we invite you into a simple look back, unabridged, at how the marketing progressed throughout the year and you can tell us if any of these critics actually meant what they said - or even said it at all.

For example, what did you think was the funniest film of the year?

"The funniest movie of the year." (Hall Pass) - Carrie Keagan
"Best romantic comedy of the year!" (Jumping the Broom) - Jawn Murray, Tom Joyner Morning Show
"One of the funniest films of the year." (Bridesmaids) - Sandie Newton
"The year's funniest film." (Bad Teacher) - Silas Lesnick,
"**** The funniest comedy of the year!" (Horrible Bosses) - Shawn Edwards
"The funniest movie of the year." (The Change-Up) - Stanley T., Sirius XM
"The funniest movie of the year." (The Change-Up) - Robert Fure, Film School Rejects
"The surprise hit comedy of the year!" (I Don't Know How She Does It) - Jeff Craig
"One of the funniest comedies of the year!" (What's Your Number?) - Andrew Freund, Myspace
"One of the funniest films this year." (The Big Year) - Pete Hammond

Took Carrie Keagan only until February to declare Hall Pass as such. Jeff Craig declared one a surprise comedy hit before it opened and went on to gross less than $10 million. We would say two of those comedies are worth recommending. How about you?

"Wear a diaper, it's that good!" (30 Minutes or Less) - Carrie Keagan

Thank you, Carrie. Maybe you, the reader, can't afford to go every week and are more of a seasonal moviegoer. If you looked in the newspapers or commercials, this is what you were being told. A look back - in order - of what you were told was the best, most perfect, coolest movies of each season. Know how to pick and choose.

"The most fun you'll have at the movies this season. (The Green Hornet) - Mark S. Allen
"The surprise of the season. (Gnomeo & Juliet) - Kenneth Turan
"The funniest family film of the season!" (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules) - Beth Feldman,
"The feel-good movie of the Spring." (Arthur) - Kevin Steincross

"The perfect summer movie." (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) - Pete Hammond
"The perfect summer film." (Kung Fu Panda 2) - Kelli Gillespie
"The coolest family film of the summer!" (Kung Fu Panda 2) - Manny de la Rosa, NBC-TV
"Biggest, best surprise of the summer." (X-Men: First Class) - Carrie Keagan
"The most action packed fun you'll have at the movies all summer." (Green Lantern)- Maria Salas
"The must-see superhero movie of the summer." (Green Lantern)- Shireen Sandoval, FOX-TV
"Tremendous fun and a great summer movie!" (Green Lantern)- Dan Jewel, Life & Style
"The best summer movie in years." (Transformers: Dark of the Moon) - Rusty Gatenby
"The perfect summer comedy." (Larry Crowne) - Pete Hammond
"A summer feast for the senses that will have the whole family vrooming." (Cars 2) - Glenn Kenny
"Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts will put the biggest smile on your face this summer." (Larry Crowne) - Shawn Edwards
"Must see comedy of the summer." (Friends with Benefits) - Eric Paquette, Salut Bonjour! - TVA
"The most amazing movie this summer." (Cowboys & Aliens) - Mark S. Allen
"The biggest, boldest blockbuster this summer." (Cowboys & Aliens) - James Rocchi
"The first great family film of the summer." (The Smurfs) - Julian Roman,
"This summer's freshest, raunchiest, smartest comedy surprise. "(The Change-Up) - Pete Hammond
"The best comedy of the summer." (30 Minutes or Less) - Melissa DiMarco, CityTV
"The most fun I've had this summer at the movies!" (Conan the Barbarian) -
"The most entertaining family film of the summer." (Spy Kids: All the Time in the World) - Francis Bertrand, Just Jared
"The last ten minutes are the most exciting of any summer movie." (Apollo 18) - Fred Topel,

"The most fun you'll have this fall!" (Footloose) - John Hayden, Deco Drive Miami
"Best animated film of the year, best comedy of the Fall." (Puss In Boots) - Roger Moore
"...Might be the Best Christmas-movie gift of the season." (Arthur Christmas) - James Verniere
"The perfect Christmas gift!" (War Horse) - Richard Corliss

I did get a War Horse soundtrack for Christmas that I quite enjoyed. With due respect to Richard Corliss, whom we don't consider in the same league as many of these others, the horrors of war and the theme of loss is about as perfect a Christmas gift as a visit to Lisbeth Salander's case worker.

"A pure delight! Fun, sexy and smart! A hilarious comedy about having it all. Because we deserve it! (I Don't Know How She Does It) - Denise Albert, NBC's Moms & The City

Sorry, women deserve a movie like that as much as they deserve a visit to Lisbeth Salander's case worker. Do we need to make clear that both are bad things before we are accused of condoning certain behavior? Speaking of bad things, here is our list of the ten most head-scratching quotes that...well, you'll see...

10. (tie) (The Rite)
"Hopkins is at his best." - Amy Biancolli, San Francisco Chronicle
"Anthony Hopkins' best performance since Hannibal Lecter." - Jill Simonian, Made In Hollywood
"Hopkins' most bone-chilling performance since The Silence of the Lambs." - Mike Androsky, Entertainers

9. "The best family film to come along in a decade." (Dolphin Tale) - Rick Bentley, Dallas Morning News

8. "Eddie Murphy's best since Trading Places and Beverly Hills Cop!" (Tower Heist) - Scott Mantz

7. "The best Pirates ever." (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) - Pete Hammond

6. "The best summer movie in years. The biggest action movie ever." (Transformers: Dark of the Moon) - Rusty Gatenby

5. "Brilliant, engaging, and quite possibly the most original vampire movie you'll ever see!" (Priest) - Mark S. Allen

4. "One of the coolest vampire movies ever!" (Priest) - Shawn Edwards

3. (tie)
"The funniest movie I've seen in years." (The Best and the Brightest) - Stuart Lee
"The best action thriller in years." (Unknown) - Stuart Lee
"The best gangster film since Goodfellas." (Kill The Irishman) - Stuart Lee

2. "The greatest animated triumph since Toy Story 3." (Rio) - Pete Hammond

1. "Best sequel ever." (The Hangover Part II) - Rick Florino

Go ahead, debate those amongst yourselves. We won't even comment. Give us your best pitches. Or your worst.

10. "This is the real Fast and Furious." (Cars 2) - Peter Travers

9. "It's the real life Lion King." (African Cats) - Pete Hammond

8. "Like Rudy, Hoosiers, Rocky and Moneyball!" (The Mighty Macs) - Stephen Schaefer

7. "Like The Blind Side this movie is charming, fun and important." (Dolphin Tale) - Mark S. Allen

6. "Reminiscent of (500) Days of Summer, this movie makes you fall in love with the characters." (happythankyoumoreplease) - Ashley Ross, marie Claire

5. (tie) (Unknown)
"It's Taken Meets The Bourne Identity." - Carrie Keagan
"It's Taken meets The Bourne Identity." - Rick Warner, Bloomberg News

4. "Kill Bill meets Inception." (Sucker Punch) - Stuart Lee

3. "It's Independence Day meets District 9, except cooler." (Battle: Los Angeles) - Shawn Edwards

2. "Star Wars meets Iron Man." (Green Lantern)- Carrie Keagan

1. "All the horror of Alien - but real." (Apollo 18) - Fred Topel,

At least none of those were puns right? Oh crap, we have that list too.

10. "Mighty fun!" (Thor) - Owen Gleiberman

9. "Summer fun goes green." (Green Lantern)- Patrick Stinson, Reelz Channel

8. "A double-shot of hilarity." (The Hangover Part II) - Sam Hallenbeck, NBC-TV

7. (tie)
"An adrenaline fueled thrill ride with 5x the action and 5x the excitement" (Fast Five) - Shawn Edwards
"Two times the action. Two times the laughs." (Kung Fu Panda 2) - Bryan Erdy

6. "Taut and thought-provoking, this movie is infectious to the core." (Contagion) - Sam Hallenbeck

5. (tie) (A Bird of the Air)
"A rare breed love story." - Shelli Sonstein
"An offbeat love story that will give your heart wings." - Joy Browne

4. "50/50 delivers 100 percent." (50/50) - Dan Jewel

3. (tie) (Puss In Boots)
"These boots are made for rocking." - Pete Hammond
"A purrfect family movie." - Pat Collins

2. "If you're looking for a great family film this one's smurfect!" (The Smurfs) - Laura DaSilva/YTV

1. (tie) (Water For Elephants)
"Riveting, an unforgettable experience." - Jeff Craig
"Genuinely moving, powerfully acted, and totally unforgettable!" - Scott Mantz
"A beautiful and captivating film that you will never forget!" - Kevin McCarthy

Other than "purrfect" and "smurfect" at least none of them rhymed.

"Jessica Alba captivates as a spy who packs punch and a mom who packs lunch! (Spy Kids: All the Time in the World) - Ryan Rojas,

Who is ready to lose their lunch now? Everyone has their own idea what a Worst of the Year list should look like. Some go the route of biggest disappointments or most expensive duds. Others simply call Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star what it is, a film so bad that Sony couldn't even invent a film critic to give it a positive quote. In fact, here are the ten worst reviewed films of the year (1-10, left to right) that even Criticwatch could not find a single ad quote for:

And mind you that half of those films did not screen for press prior to release. Still not a flattering list. But we all know that there were some worse films released in 2011. The Sitter wasn't THAT bad, it just happens to unfortunately fall within the parameters of films that its studio could not even be bothered to pull up a positive quote for. The other reason is that many of the other more viciously-reviewed films of the year actually DID find support from junket whores and even a critic or two. Here from #10-1 are the ten worst reviewed wide releases (but still supported) films of 2011. And three of these were not screened for general press either.

10. Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer
"A great movie for everyone! Filled with imagination, comedy and thrills that never seem to end." - Kidsday/Newsday

9. Something Borrowed
"Laugh-out-loud hilarious! - Maria Salas
"Lots of laughs. - Kelli Gillespie
"The perfect date movie. Kate Hudson has never been better! - Joel Amos
"John Krasinski and Ginnifer Goodwin are delightful" - Sheila Roberts,
"Smart, sexy and funny. The entire cast shines! Something Borrowed is something terrific." - Pete Hammond
"Something good! Something fun! Something sweet! Something smart!" - Manny Dela Rosa
"The best romantic comedy of the year!" - Andrew Freund,

8. Zookeeper
"The most thoroughly enjoyable movie for the entire family!" - Steve Persall, St. Petersburg Times

7. Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
"The perfect family holiday comedy." - Joel Amos

6. Hoodwinked Too!: Hood vs. Evil
"Great family entertainment!" - Stuart Lee
"Hilarious!" - Marie Moore, The New York Beacon
"***! Hilarious! Clever twists and witty dialogue." - Nell Minow
"An exciting and spirited fairy tale comedy that will capture your imagination." - Film Advisory Board
"This funny fairy tale recalls the first Shrek! A Shrek-like comedy. Amy Poehler and Bill Hader are hilarious!" - Thelma Adams
"A procession of pop-culture send-ups delivered at light speed, interspersed with affirmative messages about exercise, proper diet and - so refreshing in this kind of movie - girl power." (Hoodwinked Too!) - Andy Webster, The New York Times

5. Red Riding Hood
"Amazing." - Mark S. Allen
"Bold" - Cindy Pearlman
"Haunting and mysterious." - Manny Dela Rosa
"Sexy cool." - Shawn Edwards
"The ancient legend like you've never imagined." - Jeff Craig

4. New Year's Eve
"It's a celebration! Jump start your holidays. - Shawn Edwards
"A must-see for the holidays." - Maurie Sherman, Rogers Radio Kiss 92.5
"A fun, star-studded way to ring in the new year." - Bonnie Laufer
"New Year's Eve has it all!" - Jim Ferguson
"The best romantic comedy of the year!" - Sheila Roberts

3. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night
"Super funny and very scary! Routh and Huntington have classic chemistry." - Jami Philbrick
"Full of action, comedy and...Heavy-duty monster fright!" - Staci Layne Wilson,

2. Abduction
"A new action star is born!" - Terri Schwartz,

1. The Roommate
"Chilling and suspenseful!" (The Roommate) - Greg Russell
"A fun and sexy thriller." (The Roommate) - Joe Hui, JoBlo
"Get ready for a good scare." (The Roommate) - Kevin Steincross

You're scary enough, Mr. Steincross, thank you very much. Get yourself checked out. Finally, as a parting gift to all our loyal Criticwatch readers, we're about to get as base and childish as we can ever be accused of. I bet even Peter Travers himself would laugh at this, so if you don't, so be it. But here it is, our final list of the year.

1. "David Hyde Pierce is pricelessly good at taking you places you don't see coming." (The Perfect Host)
2. "The spectacular Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the id run rampant. You can't take your eyes off him!" (Hesher)
3. "(Morgan Spurlock) makes you laugh till it hurts!" (The Greatest Movie Ever Sold)
4. "Hugo will take your breath away." (Hugo)
5. "Hits you like a full-tilt adrenaline rush." (Limitless)
6. "Director Chris Weitz creates a haunting movie that gets under your skin." (A Better Life)
7. "You can bet Cars 2 will rev your engines." (Cars 2)
8. "An erotic blast of sinful flesh, fun and fantasy that you don't want to stop." (Kaboom)
9. "There's no way you'll get it out of your dreams." (Incendies)
10. "You'll be glad you came." (We Bought a Zoo)[br]

Hopefully that goes multiple for Criticwatch.

link directly to this feature at
originally posted: 01/01/12 02:30:58
last updated: 01/01/12 03:03:46
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