eFilmCritic

[Social Blunder]

I don't know. I kind of think Bob is rather sexy with those comments.

[Guest]

My goodness. People sure judge others rather quickly in here. I mean, maybe Bob is just some guy from the states who is amusing himself posting things like that and not meaning a single thing he's saying. Or maybe he is some crazy guy that just wondered off the city streets and into this chat forum to post crazy little things for the crazy people out there who are amused by crazy things.

I'm suddenly hungry for spaghetti and meatballs.

[Big Ole Badass Bob]

Dest - *hands you an Oscar for Best Actress* That was the most brilliant, passionate, fiery performance that Bob has ever witnessed. You a good woman though, but I'm sad to see you go. To honor you, ole Bob is gonna drink at least 10 or 11 bottles of Hooch™, and then I'm gonna ram the meat stick up a few of my Mexican whore's asses. I'll miss you, sweet tits!

Social Blunder - Well, Bob don't know what to say. All I can do to show my appreciation is to bend you over and invade your tight crap tank. You a very good woman.. I like you already!
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A hole is a hole.. as long as there's some heat up in it, I'll throw a fuckin' on it.

[Destinee]

Bobster,

I owe you an apology. Not for resenting your "Put de Lime in de coconut" talk, but because my day yesterday sucked melons and I kind of took it out on you. Sorry Bobster. Listen, may your tallywacker be filled with that lovely brown stuff you love so much. Carry on.


Dest
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Destinee- Wish I had more time to get lost in a Loews near YOU

[Big Ole Badass Bob]

Dest - Hey now, you don't owe Bob an apology. Sometimes you're gonna have a bad day, and Bob knows a thing or two about bad days. But I still got love for you, so no worries, okay.. sizzle chest?

Bob's Tip of the Day:

"If you're having a lousy ass day, stick a firecracker or eight, up the tight poop cave of one of your Mexican whores.. that should make you smile and laugh."
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A hole is a hole.. as long as there's some heat up in it, I'll throw a fuckin' on it.

[Papa Jesus]

Hey folks, that's right, it's your lord here, Jesus H. Christ. Just taking a few minutes to swing by and talk to you guys about the dangers of rectal tearing! Ya know, it wasn't long ago that good ole Papa Jesus here was into heavy drugs and prostitution, and I'll be damned is Jesus here didn't wake up a time or two after a night of heavy coked up partying, with a torn anal passage. Now being the son of God, I'm able to magically mend my ripped open rectal cavity, but not everyone can, especially Canadians & Mexicans. As we all know, once they tear their pooper, it can never heal. But for the rest of you, Jesus wants to remind you to never use lube when inserting large objects, especially made of metal, into your moist ass temple. It may not make sense, but lube was actually invented in 1909 by a European named, Dr. Charles VanLube. Dr. VanLube was mentally disturbed and put a secret ingredient in his anal moisturizer that actually makes rectal tearing almost certain when used! So be careful folks, Jesus wouldn't lie, and neither would 14 year old Justin Meyers of Wichita Kansas. Justin sent a prayer post card up here last week, and I'd like to share young Justin's wisdom with you. Justin says....


"My butthole is healthy, 'cause lube I won't buy, when I stick things in, my shitbox is dry"


Wow, such wise words for such a young man. If Jesus only had the rectal knowledge young Justin has at his age, Jesus wouldn't have such a leaky anal cavity. Anyway, I'll be sending Justin out a windbreaker and an autographed Book of Mormon in the mail for that amazing letter. Thanks guys.. and remember.. Jesus says, if your shoving something in your dark brown eye, don't use no lube, make sure it's dry!

[Big Ole Badass Bob]

Papa Jesus - Damn it son, you a good man. I'm gonna take you fishing on Sunday.. that is, if you're not too busy. We'll go out to the Gulf of México, crack open a case of Hooch™, toss some magic-eyed Orientals into the ocean for bait.. cause as we all know, Tiger Sharks love the taste of their tiny, meaty ball sacks. And after that, we're gonna go back and fuck a whole lot of my bitches. I'll even let you fuck my favorite whore.. Latina Victoria, she has the sweetest crap tank in all of Texas. I changed that dirty whore's name though.. I dunno what the hell it was before.. all Bob knows was that it was hard to pronounce, and it was Mexican.

But even though you're the son of God.. I still gotta charge you. You know how it goes. I can't earn a living if I give the pussy and ass away for free ya know?
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A hole is a hole.. as long as there's some heat up in it, I'll throw a fuckin' on it.

[y2mckay]

Oh great. Now there's two of them?

"Two go in, one comes out!"

Oh, and Bobb, don't you be wasting them delicious magic eyed whores as bait. You know where to send em. (Though not the kind what ever had any "meaty ball sacks" on 'em. WTF?)
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I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas. I should come up with ideas, and THEN get high, to reward myself!

[Big Ole Badass Bob]

y2mckay - There can really only be one, and that one is Bob, you know that.

And son, what the hell is wrong with you?! When I mention meaty ball sacks.. I'm talking about a man's rubbery scrotum sack between his legs. You think I'm gonna waste a magic-eyed Oriental bitch on some Tiger Sharks? No you goofy bastard.. I only get rid of the guys. If you come across an Oriental woman with a meaty ball sack.. you better punch it in the face, cause that's one of them she-males!

Bob ran across one of them back in the summer of '73.. beat the shit outta that dirty son-o-bitch. Bob spent a year in prison after that.. I guess its illegal to tear off a freak's love gun, and then shove it up it's own ass. I did NOT know that. Now Bob knows.. and knowing is half the battle.
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A hole is a hole.. as long as there's some heat up in it, I'll throw a fuckin' on it.

[Daddy Plaid]

I've been gone a few days and of course I miss the appearance
of our Lord & Savior.
I am curious though, Papa Jesus....such a name would suspect
that you are not only the son of God, but also have a son as well....

Don't tell me....is BoBB your offspring?!?!?

I think its the long beard thing and keeping your shitbox dry thing
that runs in the family. Be thankful, your family tree does branch.

Hearing Papa Jesus' sermon on metal objects up the darkhole reminds me of the guy here locally that went into a Walgreens and attempted to shove a can of hairspray up his bunghole....

Dest-hope your day is going better!
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Daniel san! Plaididdy-on....plaididdy off!
It's Spaceball 1...They've gone to Plaid!

[Papa Jesus]

Hello again my children, it's your good pal again, Jesus Herbert Christ. Yup, your lord and savior. I just wanted to stop by while I'm on my lunch break over here at my new Burger King gig, to pass on the word of your lord. A lot has been bothering good ole Jesus here lately and it's about time you folks listened up. First off, Jesus has been noticing an alarming trend sweeping across the U.S. as of late, and that's chicken fucking. I know, I know.. we've all seen movies where chicken fucking seems like a normal, morally acceptable form of love making, like "Son In Law" starring Pauly Shore, "King Ralph" starring the late John Goodman, and of course the 1995 international blockbuster, "Judge Dredd" starring Sylvester Stallone as title character Judge Joseph Dredd. That's Hollywood folks. In the real world chicken fucking should not, and cannot be tolerated. According to the latest issue of "Jesus Magazine", 3 out of every 4 American males between 16 and 48 have committed passionate sodomy on a chicken at least twice. Don't get Jesus wrong, back in the 70's, Jesus was in such a drugged up state he threw a fuckin' on a chicken a time or two, one time he even banged a dead goat after Jesus' best friend Saint Bruce dared him to, but that was a different time folks. What many of you don't realize is, that chickens were invented only 300 years ago by the Evil Dr. Richard E. Chickaboo. Dr. Chickaboo was an insane genius and knew people would want to have deep sexual intercourse with the chicken the first time they laid eyes on it, so he added a chemical agent to the chickens blood stream making it so after 10 sexual encounters with the feathery animal, the person would suddenly come down with a nasty case of smelly anus. That's how you can detect a regular chicken fucker, the putrid smell of burnt dog food emanating from their rectal passage. Just to help make my point a little better, here's a line from a prayer postcard I received just this morning. It's from 17 year old Thomas Robertson of Detroit Michigan. Thomas says....

It's okay to eat chickens, but first they need plucked, but always remember, they're not to be fucked"

Such wise words bring tears to Jesus' eyes. Come on folks, let's give Thomas an amen!
AMEN!! Just remember my children, Jesus didn't die on a cross so you could fuck chickens. So next time you're contemplating gently ramming your erect penis shaft into the tight, stretched out vaginal or anal cavity of a chicken, stop and think about all the hungry Mexicans that could be eating it, have a laugh, then put the chicken down! Amen folks, Amen!


Bob - Well my son, Sunday is sort of a busy day for good ole Jesus here. A lot of folks br prayin' to Jesus. Every week, all I hear is, "oh Jesus, please cure me of this", or "oh Jesus, please let the baby not be mine", or "oh Jesus, please make my crotch rash stop burning" or "oh Jesus, please don't let them find the body"... and ya know what, Jesus is fed up! Sure, I died on a cross for everyone here, but Jesus likes to get shit faced and screw his bitches on Saturday night and I'll tell ya something, waking up Sunday morning having to listen to that crap week after week with a major hangover just bites! Jesus may be a Jew, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like his balls licked. And that's what Sunday's should be all about, appreciating life and having your ball sack licked.

Daddy Plaid- All Jesus here can say is from '72-'84, Jesus banged so many drugged up whores God only knows how many he knocked up. I asked my dad, God, but he won't tell me. He's funny like that. One thing I can tell you is that although Jesus here had a lot to do with creating ole Bob over there, Jesus isn't his father. Bob is Italian, and as we all know, Italian is Greek for "Tiny Wiener", which anyone who's read the Bible knows, Jesus is hung like donkey in a Tijuana sex show.

[y2mckay]

[Kyle = O_O]

This is my new home.

[Big Ole Badass Bob]

y2mckay - I don't keep no damn guys.. all my whores are 100% female. But in the off chance that one my bitches IS a she-male.. just suck it up, throw a bag over it's head, and throw a fuckin' on it anyway. A hole is a hole son.. sometimes you just gotta fuck whatever you can get. You know how it goes.

Papa Jesus - Hey, whoa there buddy.. there ain't nothing tiny about Bob. In Texas we do everything huge.. and that includes the size of my Dookie Pounder™. Hung like a donkey, that's Bob!

But, like my Uncle Frank always used to say:

"Its not the size of your donkey cock, its how much it can make you moan when its being rammed into your dook hole over and over.." Oh wait, that's not right.. God damn it Uncle Frank.. never mind this quote.

I'm still taking you fishing though. I'll even buy you some Pizza Hut.. how's that sound, son?
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A hole is a hole.. as long as there's some heat up in it, I'll throw a fuckin' on it.

[Jack Sommersby]

Delectable Destinee,

Did your boyfriend do anything to upset you, babe? If he did, I'll fly up to the Big Apple and kick his ass; and, if you really want him to be punished, 'ol Bob can administer one of his savage back-door deliveries to him. (An ass is an ass, right, Bob? A male or female one is merely incidental, right?)


_________________
"Joe the Plumber -- you can quote me -- is a dumbass." -- Meghan McCain

[Destinee]

WTF!!?? OMG, what have you done? I thought surely you would have thrown the template away. My New prayer:

Dear lord,
I thank you for all of the blessings that you have bestowed upon me. I thank you for my family and friends. For my sound mind and good body. Please forgive those who live to make entry ways where there is none. Bless the beast and the women of loose morals that indulge these few. May they correct the err of their ways and see that there is a FLIPSIDE to their choices. Keep the son of man PURE @ heart, that he may not be tainted, brainwashed or lead into temptation by OTHERS who choose the DIRT road instead of the rose BUSHES.Oh GOD, by the way, pray for your son(of a gun) BoBB, show him the err of his evil, wanton ways. Show him the way to a woman's HEAVEN, let him enjoy as he never has before, that he may choose THIS ROAD instead of the dark, dirty, painful road to a woman's HELL. In name of JESUS H. CHRIST I Pray, Amen.

Can I get an A-men from the congregation????

Dest
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Destinee- Wish I had more time to get lost in a Loews near YOU

[Jack Sommersby]

Can I get an A-men from the congregation????

Sure -- but only if I can get some position #69 action from you in return.


_________________
"Joe the Plumber -- you can quote me -- is a dumbass." -- Meghan McCain

[Destinee]

Awwwwww Jack my love,

Nyet. Wasn't him. We both know if that happens, I'll be on my way to TEXAS, right?

Smooches

Dest
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Destinee- Wish I had more time to get lost in a Loews near YOU

[Big Ole Badass Bob]

Jack - Actually, no. A hole is a hole.. but yeah.. same concept. Hey, you just give Bob the word, and he'll send a few of his goumbas over there. Vinny and Tony will take care of EVERYTHING. You wanna inflict pain on man's tight shit box, then those are the two guys you want doing it.

Dest - There ain't no evil in bangin' a broad in her ass. Bob bets even ole Jesus himself will agree with me on that. I know Jesus may be a former coke-head, but he outta know that a way to a woman's heart, is straight up her tail pipe. You STILL a good woman though, I'll pray that the good lord spares you when we're eventually overrun by the ruthless Evil Empire of Canada.. in 2023.

Bob's Tip of the Day:

"If you run out of toilet paper, just let one of your Mexican whores lick your brown eye till its clean. It feels much nicer, costs less, and hey.. if we all keep doing it, we can save the remaining trees on this earth."
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A hole is a hole.. as long as there's some heat up in it, I'll throw a fuckin' on it.

[Papa Jesus]

Hello again my children.. Jesus H. Christ stopping by for a few again to send out yet another important life altering message from your Lord & Savior. As you all know, Jesus here has a lot of problems with the way today's society is handling itself. Today, I want to speak a little about the negative impact gay anal rape can have upon all of you! Sure, we've all experienced it a time or two.. walking down a dark alley as we chug down the last of our 7th bottle of Zima only to hear the heavy footsteps of 4 black men running up behind us, hitting us down and forcing our holy Jesus robe up over our bottom. Then the pain of a fully erect man tool being inserted into our dry, puckered anus hole.. you scream.. "Stop! I'm Jesus, I died on a cross for you, don't perform gay rape on me!".... But your pleas go unheard and your holy butt cherry is stolen from you like a mexican in a used car dealership. Maybe after a while it feels good, maybe it starts to feel warm like a summer breeze inside your rectal cavity.. who knows! BUT.. that doesn't make it right folks! Gay rape is WRONG people, and we need to stand up for ourselves the way the Chinese did against Mexico back in 1975. Once again, I'm gonna dip into the holy mail bag and pull out a prayer post card to help get my point across.. Today's letter is from 15 year old Henry Jackson of Green Bay Wisconsin. Henry says....

"As much as I'd like to, I never rape guys, 'cause Jesus says not to, and Jesus is wise"


AMEN!
Man-o-Man.. that kid is smart folks. Just remember guys, next time you spot some dudes tight, mouth watering, apple shaped bottom, keep your gay rape fantasies to yourself. Have a nice day folks!



Bob....
Well my son, you seem to forget you can't hide your tiny ding-a-ling size from good ole Jesus here. Jesus knows the exact size, shape, and semen volume of EVERY peener in the world because Jesus here created each and every one of 'em. Jesus says he was high on Crystal Meth the year he made you, so pretty much everyone got a weird, tiny, deformed fleshy ass driller. So, sorry about that. Jesus will make up for it though my son. I'm sending you out a Free Dinner coupon to any of your local participating Taco Bell restaurants. Don't say Jesus never did anything for you my son...

Destinee.....
Okay, read your prayer and yeah, your welcome for all the blessings I've bestowed upon you. No problem honey cakes, any time. As for the rest of your prayer, consider it done. But I tell you what, favors from Jesus don't come cheap anymore. For hundred's of years Jesus would just answer prayer after prayer free of charge.. No more though. Jesus ain't a chump. So, sometime within the next three weeks, Jesus will be stopping by while you sleep and he's gonna take a few things from your house. Don't be alarmed, Just maybe your TV or something.. maybe even any canned beans you have lying around. Oh, and Jesus will be wearing a ski mask, carrying a tire iron.. Jesus may even ask for some hand release, ya never know. All depends on how much Jesus has to drink. Have a nice day my child.

[Rami741]

Dear Jesus

since you know everything about life i have a question oh dear jesus

Where do babies come from and why did u take away my car

that jeep was my dream car

Why ? oh jesus why ??

PS: thanks for the Escalade loved it
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Please excuse my GRAMMAR , i use my accent when i write
LOVE U ALL
Rami

[Guest]

Dear Lord,

Please DO stop by. I will await you AND your tire iron. Did I tell you that I DO support having guns in the home ?(hint,hint)


Dest

[Guest]

[Big Ole Badass Bob]

Papa Jesus - Okay, so Bob's meat rod ain't the biggest, but since you're treating me with a free coupon to Taco Bell.. that makes this ole man smile. You damn good, you know that, son?

Dest - How is it that you'll let Jesus into your house, but not Bob? That makes Bob butthurt. That's okay though, I still got love for you, and for your umply-dump-scrumptious pooper.

Now then, I'm sure you all want to hear about the fishing trip with me and Jesus. All Bob can say is.. that Jesus is one hell of a fisherman. Then again, how the hell can you compete with him.. he's Jesus for Christ's.. err.. his sake!

But, like my Uncle Frank always used to say:

"Fishing with Jesus, is like cornholing your sister. Sure its wrong, but it feels so good when your beefy yard stick is buried up her tight shit box.." Aww, shit.. damn it.. Bob made a boo-boo.
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A hole is a hole.. as long as there's some heat up in it, I'll throw a fuckin' on it.

[Daddy Plaid]

Oh my! I just laughed so hard I had E.D.

What a line: Stop! I'm Jesus, I died on a cross for you, don't perform gay rape on me!"....

A-MEN!!!

I wonder if the Vatican has pronounced HollywoodBitchslap.com as a miracle?????

Papa Jesus-
We now know the WWJD part, but I'm curious to know...
WHAT YOU DRIVE????
_________________
Daniel san! Plaididdy-on....plaididdy off!
It's Spaceball 1...They've gone to Plaid!