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Review advice

 
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Thumb the Toad
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 11:37 am    Post subject: Review advice Reply with quote

I was about to submit my review of THE RETURN OF THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, but before so, I wanted advice from some of the reviewers here. And I will credit you at the end of the actual review (hmmm....co-writing reviews. Sounds like something that the site could have).

The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a bad movie by all accounts. Everything is bad about it.

EVERYTHING!

Well ok, you fucking proved your point. Mathew Mcwhatever is pretty good at hamming it up and overblowing it. And the chick who played his wife was good too. So was Renee Zellweiger.

But....

EVERYTHING ELSE IS BAD!!

Let's see....hmmm...Leatherface a transvestite! Hilarious! Bwhahahahaaha!

Nay, that fucking sucks! BOOOOO!!!!

And the plot (oh, and if you care, there are spoilers, but after you read the review, it won't matter anyway)?

A group of teens get in an accident in the middle of the woods. They all end up in the hands of Leatherface's clan, who are aliens trying to show humans the definition of terror (so why were they cannibals?). And there are meathooks present for no particular reason whatsoever other than to spoof the original (what does this film think it is on spoofing the original and being a sequel to it? Evil Dead II?). Why are the people who are trying to show them terror HELPING one of them? And why is no one in the entire film killed with a chain saw?

What we get out of this "plot" is a braindead, amateurish, ineptly directed, poorly written abuse of celluloid. Think I overworded it? Think again. The comedy is supposed to come from it's spoofing, but the spoofing is mere reference. In fact, the film is too dim on grey matter to know where it's humor is coming from, because the film literally goes nowhere right when it starts. The humor is moronic and tries to be darkly comical when it just turns into weird. I like weird, but not when it's confused. Hell, even the shitty Scream sequels knew where their humor was coming from.

And the writing? I think you got the idea on how it is on the last paragraph. If you hated the screenplays to Plan 9, Batman & Robin, and Battlefield Earth, you'd be calling them Tolkien-esque work compared to this screenplay (and no, Akiva Goldsman, that's not a compliment!). The plot is full of holes, the humor is braindead & confused, common sense is non-existant, and the dialogue flat out sucks. If you want me to give examples, you'll be sending me death threats for torchering you with the crap this film has to offer.

The acting. The 3 main leads are good (as I mentioned), and the rest of the acting is pure shit. I've seen Christmas trees that are less wooden.

The directing. I'm amazed that someone who co-wrote the original (or anyone else for that matter) could:
A) rape the original in such a way
B) manage to devoid this film of any sharp humor, suspense, tension, or atmosphere. Did anyone truly direct this? Kim Henkel must have made this film on some really high quality drugs. This is the type of directing that would put Joel Schumacher to shame.

This is #3 on my all-time list of worst films, just behind the last two Batman movies. But make no mistake about it, my friend, this is still a cinematic bumfuck of the highest order. 1/10.
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Charles Tatum



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PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 1:26 pm    Post subject: Sadly Reply with quote

This film is better than TCM 2 with Dennis Hopper.

Charles
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UDM
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2002 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I actually own a copy of this on DVD. It really is better than TCM2. Keep in mind that Kim Henkel intended it as a black comedy rather than a horror movie.

As for the review...maybe too much "this sucks, that sucks" business. "Devoid" is misused. "Torturing" is misspelled. You say "it's" instead of "its." And you said "braindead" twice. Maybe also include a note mentioning the film's alternate titles (it's called something else in the U.S.--see imdb.com).

But it's a solid bitchslap, nonetheless.

UDM
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TheAngryJew
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2002 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad at all. Just switch all the questions in your initial post into statements. One of my Golden Rules of reviewing is this:

"State your opinions as if they're fact, but keep in mind that they're not."

And yes, this flick was intended as some sort of dark comedy, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a poor, poor film. I actually think that TCM2 is a whole lot of fun, especially compared to the fourth one!
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Oz
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2002 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Question for the masses: how do you read reviews?

Do you read the opening paragraph, read the closing paragraph and scan the stuff in between, or do you read from to to bottom?

Or do you get what you need from that opening paragraph?

Tell the truth now...
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Charles Tatum



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2002 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read the whole freakin' thing, start to finish.
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natasha_theobald
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2002 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If I've seen the movie, I read every word. If I haven't seen it yet, I scan to avoid spoilers. If I have seen it but might want to review it myself, I don't read it, so I won't be influenced.
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Oz
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2002 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I totally get influenced by other reviews. But I think that's a good thing. If someone points out something fucked up about the movie that I didn't catch first time, like the real meaning of Cider House Rules, it can only help my review.
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y2mckay
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 09, 2002 3:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I pretty much follow Natasha's rule of thumb. I try not to read other people's reviews of stuff I've seen until I've reviewed it myself. Then I like to go read everyone else's to see their take on it.
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