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Hollywood Stereotypes (Dani O. Edition)

 
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Danielle Ophelia



Joined: 28 Jul 2002
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 23, 2002 8:03 pm    Post subject: Hollywood Stereotypes (Dani O. Edition) Reply with quote

The object of this exercise is to conduct a half-assed character study on yourself, based on the standard-issue stereotypes of your gender, heritage, astrological sign, appearance, et al. Enjoy! Twisted Evil

~*~

I'M FEMALE: I'm not entitled to give a shit about anything besides my appearance, my reputation, and how to please/impress the male gender. Whatever thoughts I harbor are directly sanctioned to me by pop culture du jour...and any strong opinions or emotions I express are invariably a spoke of my menstrual cycle. I'm horribly catty about my fellow females, and Chryst forbid I stumble over someone more attractive than me. I can't leave the house (not even to check my mail) without an impenetrable stratum of makeup on my face and at least three quarts of glop in my hair. I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, the fact that I might already be thin as a whipcord notwithstanding. I really like rice cakes, even if they do, you know, taste like compressed styrofoam peanuts. I can't even sit through a horror movie without a man at my side, much less accomplish anything else. My reading material doesn't extend too far past romance novels and gossip rags. I know every condescending romantic comedy slopped out into our collective cineplexes backward, forward, sideways and diagonally. Everything that goes wrong between me and my significant other is my fault...or the fault of my expanding hips and thighs. Fuck it, EVERYTHING'S my fault. I sneezed in the direction of the Pacific Ocean three days ago, and I just heard something on the news about a catastrophic tidal wave in the West Indes.

I'M A VIRGO: Which would serve to indicate that I'm a hopeless tightass/prude who would probably be much more at home in the Victorian era. I don't even know what oral sex is, let alone dare offering a round to my hapless partner. I have not a creative nor imaginative cell in my body, and the only guts I have to my name are the ones inhabiting my lower torso. The only things I will ever excel at are housework and criticism. But in the classic sense of the concept, I can show you where to go, but I don't know how to drive. I'm not a terribly interesting or charismatic person, really...either that or the astral gods and astrological profilers decided they needed to royally fuck at least one sign, and since Virgo is the only sign in the Zodiac represented by a woman (and historically, most cultures didn't hold women in the highest esteem), it was the fairest of all game. Now, if you'll excuse me. That microscopic blotch of filthy grunge on my freshly buffed countertop is literally driving me batshit.

I LIVE IN NORTH CAROLINA: My family tree doesn't fork, and I'm not exactly helping matters...seeing as how I attend my family reunions in the sole interest of meeting prospective suitors. If my brain were trapped in a sesame seed, it would rattle around like a ping-pong ball in a crate, and I couldn't spell "cat" if someone spotted me the "c" and "t". I drive a dusty pickup truck with a gunrack in the back window and a "Jesse Helms for President" bumper sticker. You can bet your sweet ass that a Confederate flag lives somewhere in my house. To me, paved roads and indoor plumbing are luxuries.

I'M APPROACHING 25 AND UNMARRIED: Therefore, I'm an insufferable, embittered little harpy, and an overall disgrace to the female gender. There's a good chance I own a cat or twenty, and large portions of my free time are spent having threesomes with Ben and Jerry. I look to Cathy and Ally McBeal for advice, rather than shits and giggles. Whether I'm happy or not isn't the issue, here. I'm in danger of putting a few dents in the longtime status quo...and damned if society's going to take that lying down.

I'M BISEXUAL: So I probably have the attention span of a lightning bolt, not to mention I'm looser than the lug nuts of a Ford Escort. I think monogamy is a close relative of a vaginal yeast infection. Of course, as you know, bisexuality is only a theory, maybe even an excuse. If I were a man, I'd really be a homosexual in denial...but since I'm not, I'm a mere straight girl harboring some bizzare compulsion to spark shock and/or controversy. I probably couldn't love or respect anyone if my life rested on the idea...aside from myself, that is. Everyone knows I'm the hottest thing since the sun.

I'M AN ASPRING WRITER, WITH A PARTICULAR PENCHANT FOR THE HORROR GENRE: I'm a pasty, unattractive pseudo-intellectual geek who rarely sees the light of day. My fingers are decorated with paper cuts and ink stains. My clothes are dirty and mismatched. The last time I saw another naked human being, they were being chased down my street by the cops. According to me, I'm the most angst-ridden being in the known universe. My first novel is to be a decadent vampire extragvaganza, followed by a classic ghost story (with a twist)...then, for my third attempt, I might even strive for something slightly grittier and more inventive, like a psychological thriller/revenge drama. I'm an antisocial elitist who loves to manipulate the people in my life for the sake of spicing up my characters, as only they truly understand me and my cause. And guess what? You might be next.

I PREFER OVERCAST WEATHER TO SUNSHINE: I throw legendary pity parties to compensate for the fact that I have no heart, only a precardium. Don't touch me, I'll infect you.

I HAVE DARK HAIR AND PALE SKIN: I was unpopular in high school and I don't smile more than twice within the same month. I'm either frighteningly aggressive or painfully timid, therefore I'm most likely a loner. My sense of humor only manifests itself in the forms of dirty double-crosses and compulsive backstabbing.

I HAVE TATTOOS, BODY PIERCINGS, AND OCCASIONALLY RADICALLY-COLORED HAIR: Ergo, I'm personally responsible for the moral decay of our society.

I LISTEN TO MARYLIN MANSON, NINE INCH NAILS, EMINEM, ET AL: See above.

I HAVE FULL BREASTS, ROUND HIPS, AND A SOFT TUMMY: I'm a luxuriant throwback to retro-Hollywood glamour, with a pillowtalk voice and perpetual bedroom eyes. I'm a shallow, narcissistic cocktease, and have no sense of discipline or self-control. A veritable mecca of shrines for all seven deadly sins. By thinking and carrying myself like a ten-year-old girl, I make up for the fully ripened status of my figure in threefold. Plastic surgery will not be overruled in the future.
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TheAngryJew
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 23, 2002 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Snarky shit, Dani.

I'll come back and offer my self-analysis when I have a few minutes to invest in the writing!

I promise!
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Kyle



Joined: 12 Jul 2002
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Location: Chicago

PostPosted: Fri Aug 23, 2002 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn. Pretty much hit the nail on the head on that one.
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Paulapalooza
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2002 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm no good at self-analysis, or even stereotypical self-analysis, but I'll throw some stuff out there for people to digest. Hell, have fun with it if you like. It'll be like the days on the Rider Board when Oz broke down dream interpretations.

No way I can top Dani, anyway. Here goes:

I'M MALE

I'M AN AQUARIUS

I AM FROM TENNESSEE, AND LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA AFTER SPENDING A YEAR IN SEATTLE

I JUST TURNED 30 AND AM HAPPILY UNMARRIED

I'M HETEROSEXUAL

I'M A WRITER (one of the first things you learn in "the industry," if you want to do something, then claim that's what you are already).

I HAVE NO BODY MARKINGS OTHER THAN BIRTHMARKS AND MY HAIR HAS ALWAYS REMAINED ITS NATURAL COLOR

I READ

I ENJOY COMIC BOOKS

I LIKE TO EAT FOOD THAT TASTES GOOD TO ME, OFTEN PIZZA AND HAMBURGERS. I ALSO ENJOY SOFT DRINKS AND BOOZE.

I AM A FAN OF THE BOSTON RED SOX AND THE CHICAGO CUBS. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE WOULD LIKE ANY OTHER BASEBALL TEAMS BESIDES THESE

I LIKE FULL BREASTS, ROUND HIPS, AND SOFT TUMMIES (see above, HETEROSEXUAL).

I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH PORN AND OFTEN WISH I COULD SEE VARIOUS WOMEN IN A STATE OF UNDRESS.

I ENJOY THE MOVIE "WILD THINGS" IMMENSELY AND TELL MYSELF IT'S FUN AND CLEVER AND THAT BILL MURRAY IS REALLY GOOD IN IT.

Paul
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natasha_theobald
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2002 1:35 am    Post subject: the stereotypes Reply with quote

I'm female:
I must be soft and sensitive. I must never get angry or want to stand up for myself. I must look to family and friends to solve the many problems I have which I can't help but discuss ad nauseum. I must like floral wallpaper and pink lipstick. I must love movies of the week about surrogate motherhood, eating disorders, child abuse, kidnapping, people who watch me in the dressing room, men who prey on me, and domestic issues of all kinds. I must also love documentaries explaining to me how magazines and media make me feel less pretty and watch Oprah so I can reclaim my self-esteem. I must love to do crafts and spend weekends shopping for knick-knacks of bunnies and other adorable woodland creatures to fill my home. I must think a clean house is very important and that gossip is juicy and entertaining. I must not care to be informed about things in the world around me. My idealism is "sweet," and it's just too bad I can't be more practical.

I'm a Pisces:
Now I'm really sensitive. You may have to wipe me off the floor if a wave of emotion washes over me. I have parts of all of the signs in me, which means that I can't make a decision. I am a water sign and can't quite get my footing on ground, which is to say I can't help but create a world apart from this one to escape what's real. I live in my head and think only with my heart. I am easily wounded.

I live in Illinois:
I must be a conservative Republican with a vested interest in the farming of corn, soybeans, or something else that grows in a field. I must not be literate or cultured. I probably have no interest in theater or art. The fact that I live here as an adult suggests that I lack imagination or initiative to move where interesting people are. I'm boring and repressed. The only book by my bed is the Bible. I want to be domesticated. I have no dreams for a more creative life.

I'm married:
I must not have sex, certainly not good or interesting sex. I am probably limited to conversations about the bills, the dishes, or the laundry. I have to read Redbook to get ideas about how to keep love alive. I must be secretly unhappy and tied down. My husband and I probably don't talk anymore, and we certainly shouldn't be interested in each other or able to make each other laugh. All I do is bitch. I am controlling. I burn myself on the oven trying to make something Martha Stewart says every good woman should be able to make. I don't swear. I find many things in life too shocking to handle and look to my husband to shelter me from things I find distasteful or difficult. I chat with the neighborhood ladies over coffee about which grocery store has the freshest produce and what color of minivan I should buy.

I have a child:
Now I really lack imagination. I must be very traditional. I probably just went to college to catch a man, then tricked him into procreating. I probably smell of urine and/or vomit. I don't go anywhere without a big bag filled with band-aids, anti-bacterial wipes, and raisins. I can't talk about anything but my blessed baby and have no time for old friends or hobbies. I have completely let myself go. I have stretch marks and don't bother to brush my hair or my teeth most of the time because I am too frazzled by day-to-day living. I am not the person I used to be. I only listen to Raffi and Sesame Street.

I have dark hair and pale skin (glow-in-the-dark):
Children ask me if I am a vampire. People call me striking, not cute, because I don't look like the girl next door. I'm plain, because I don't want to be blond. My eyes are too dark, and I should smile more so that people don't think I'm so serious or sad. I need some color in my cheeks. My skin is too sensitive to the sun. I would be happier if I just had a tan.

I laugh out loud:
Either I can't control myself or, worse, I don't try to. Whenever something strikes me as funny, I laugh unreservedly. This is seen as very unladylike. Cast me as the best friend the pretty girl ditches when she finds romance.

I want to write:
I can't be realistic. I am spoiled to think I should be able to do something I love. I think I'm better than people with regular jobs, because I ultimately want to do something creative with my life.
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y2mckay
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2002 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What the hell, I'll take a stab.

I AM MALE: I am an icon of laid-back hipness. I wear cool clothes, have cool hair, drive a dope ride, and my life is a series of rave-like beer-bong parties where I'm always meeting chicks that look like supermodels - especially if my cell phone plays cool ring tones, or I happen to have the right alcoholic beverage du jour in my hand (always an instant aphrodisiac to the babes with supermodel looks). I hate chick flicks or anything without explosions and incessant gunfire in it. I never cry unless it helps get me laid, and laugh at guys who do for any other reason. Despite my hip and aloof exterior, I have a sensitive side which I occasionally allow to surface (see the sentence about "crying" above).

I'M A LEO: I don't know shit about astrology. NEXT!

I LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA:

I am obviously an ultra-liberal granola-eating bike-shorts wearing art-fuck hippie throwback. Either that, or I'm a flamboyant yuppie homosexual. If I have money, I live in a trendy loft apartment in the Mission that doubles as an artist's studio. Even if I don't have money, I rave about how much I love living in THE CITY, even though I have to share a crumbling flat with five roommates just to make the rent, and sold my car five years ago because there's never any fucking place to park it.

I AM 35 AND UNMARRIED: There are three possibilities. I am either a player who has been in the game for so long, I don't even know how to approach a normal, stable, monagamous relationship. I am a fat, pasty-faced geek who's never had a girlfriend in his life and has no idea how to start now, and my only female companionship comes from internet porn. Or, since I live in San Francisco, I am either a homosexual, or a closet homosexual in denial who tells everyone that "I just haven't met THE ONE yet." However . . .

I AM STRAIGHT: So that rules out option 3. However, the fact that I'm not married and pumping out 2.4 kids means that there's obviously something wrong with me, whether I be a player or a geek. To quote Ed Norton in "Fight Club": "I can't get married. I'm a 35 year old boy." Of course, if I have the right looks and the cash flow, nobody really gives me too much shit about being an aging bachelor - except for my ex- girlfriends of course, or my incredibly hot yet still-single female friend, whose constant admonishments to "settle down" are obviously motivated by the fact that she is secretly in love with me and is "THE ONE" - I just don't know it yet.

I AM AN ASPIRING WRITER WITH A PARTICULAR PENCHANT FOR THE HORROR GENRE: I was exposed to too many Drive-In B-movies as a child, and watched entirely too much late-night cable growing up. I am a quote whore for Poe and Lovecraft. I have posters and memorabalia from horror movies all over my walls and McFarlane action figures covering every spare inch of my desk. I think that "Evil Dead 2" is the greatest thing since the cinematic equivalent of sliced bread. My first attempt was a classic ghost story, in the vein of "Evil Dead 2"- meets- "The Shining" - WITH A TWIST!!! But after watching "The Blair Witch Project" about a thousand times, I haved decided that all good horror stories should be so ambiguous about the supernatural that my "Ghost" story no longer has any ghosts in it. I obviously live in San Francisco to nurture my artistic temprament, and I believe that the perpetually cold and foggy weather will give my work that gloomy edge that will make it commercially viable.

I PREFER OVERCAST WEATHER TO SUNSHINE: I am dark, brooding, and possibly disturbed, with a deep dark secret nobody must know about. Maybe I lost someone close to me once. Maybe I killed her! Maybe I accidentally hit a kid one time and drove away and the cops never found me. Maybe my uncle got to me in the bushes at a family reunion once. I'll never tell!

I HAVE A SHAVED HEAD AND A GOATEE' : I could be a biker if I had more tats and wore some leather. I am dangerous and intimidating, obviously a thug, possibly a drug dealer or gun-toting lackey or skinhead extremist of some kind.

I LISTEN TO MARYLIN MANSON, NINE INCH NAILS, EMINEM, ET AL: I am a pathetic aging punk, trying to hold onto his youth by embracing music only listened to by sixteen year old goths and baggy-pantsed hip-hoppers. If I were any kind of contributing member of society, I would stop going to clubs, get a real job, and listen to radio stations with names like "The Star", "The Wave", or "The Breeze"

I HAVE FULL BREASTS, ROUND HIPS, AND A SOFT TUMMY: Whoa! Hey, wait a minute now man . . .
All that does sound pretty good - Just not on me.
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Kyle



Joined: 12 Jul 2002
Posts: 568
Location: Chicago

PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2002 10:39 pm    Post subject: Re: the stereotypes Reply with quote

natasha_theobald wrote:
I live in Illinois:
I must be a conservative Republican with a vested interest in the farming of corn, soybeans, or something else that grows in a field. I must not be literate or cultured. I probably have no interest in theater or art. The fact that I live here as an adult suggests that I lack imagination or initiative to move where interesting people are. I'm boring and repressed. The only book by my bed is the Bible. I want to be domesticated. I have no dreams for a more creative life.


Damn right!

Hell, I'll give it a shot.

I'M A MARRIED RICH MAN: I'm abusive, and think women are only good for sex. I never suspect they are cheating on me, and most likely they are, and when I find out I take care of them. Fuck divorce, she might get some of my money. And I want that Van Gogh. Kill either her or the guy she's cheating on. Most likely I get my money by pretending to be something I'm not, I'm in the mob, or I embezzle it. I won't get caught, and if I ever do I'll flee to a foreign country and hide in one of my 7 mansions.
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Oz
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2002 12:07 am    Post subject: Hoeing in. Reply with quote

I'M MALE: Thus I suck. I treat girls like cotton candy, to be consumed and shat out in record time, I watch altogether too much sports, I've never been into a florist in my life, and Valentine's Day means a card - two days late. I care more about buying a car that goes faster than local laws will allow me to drive it than procreating. I don't understand you. I'll never understand you. I have no interest in understanding you. But in an unspoken reality, all I want is you.

I'M A LIBRA: I can never make my GD mind up. Don't ask me what we're going to do on the date. I have NFI. I'm quietly judging you.

I LIVE IN VANCOUVER: Which means I smoke copious quantities of weed and suck down espressos at an alarming tilt. I say "eh" after every third word and swing a mean hockey stick. I drink. Good god, do I drink. I used to live in Vegas, where I obviously went through showgirls like a rice paper floorboard. Previous to that I lived in Cincinnati, where I had half my teeth surgically removed so that I'd fit in. Before that, New Jersey, where I tended my backyard chemical swamp in my spare time, and prior to that I was weened in Sydney Australia, where I battled spiders on a daily basis, ate snakes and compulsively stuck my hand down random holes in the ground in pursuit of "an angry little bugger" or two. And good God, do I drink.

I'M APPROACHING 33 AND UNMARRIED: Which is normal, because I'm a guy. I'm a good catch, just nobody else seems to know it (for any longer than six months). I'll hit a midlife crisis within six years and settle down with a 20 year old who just got off the bus from somewhere dank.

I'M HETEROSEXUAL: I picked the sexuality option least likely to actually get me laid.

I'M A WRITER: Which means I have lots of money coming in from royalties, I never leave the house, I can't speak without being verbose, I pretend to like Hemingway and I got a degree in English Lit. I'm better than you. And you. I rise at noon. I get women wet with words.

I PREFER OVERCAST WEATHER TO SUNSHINE: Ask me tomorrow and 'see how my answer changes when it's raining.

I HAVE SALT AND PEPPER HAIR AND DARK SKIN: Since I was 18, thanks for asking.

I HAVE NO TATTOOS, BODY PIERCINGS, OR UNNATURALLY-COLORED HAIR: I fear change. I'm not down with y'all.

I LISTEN TO ALTERNATIVE MUSIC: If it sold more than 450 copies, I think it sucks. Any band where nobody plays an instrument needs to be labeled as a non-band and shunned by society. Radio sucks ass.

I HAVE A SOFT TUMMY: Because I don't care. Because I hate activity. Because I'm a writer. Whatever. See if you outlast me when the nuclear dawn comes, beanpole.
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sporkgirl
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 26, 2002 12:13 pm    Post subject: me try Reply with quote

I'M FEMALE: i'm a bubbly, ditzy tease who will do anything you want of me if it means i get you to buy me a drink. i gossip with my girlfriends about your personal hygenine and your sex organ. i love clothes and makeup and would sell my soul for a big fat engagement ring. i don't respect men but i want to make a million babies. i vacuum all day, wearing kitten heels, and other than that i do nothing but sit on my fat ass and eat bon bons.

I'M A GEMINI: i'm conflicted. i'm two-faced. i can't make any decisions for myself and i have anxiety disorder. i'm a mess. i'm a liar. i'll use you up and spit you out. i have a very short attention span and no long term goals. i'm a drama queen.

I LIVE IN INDIANA: i'm a hick. i like it when cars go fast. i am missing several teeth and chew tobacchy.

I AM APPROACHING 25 AND UNMARRIED: i am such a gigantic loser. i clearly have no social skills and layers upon layers of mental illness, and i am so ugly that no man would ever want me. i'm not clever enough to snare me a man. i have 25 cats.

MY BEST FRIEND IS A GAY MAN: i'm deluded. i am a masochist who can only love someone who will never love me back. there is no chance that i simply enjoy his company, i must be in love with him. unless i am a runway model, i must be in love with him. i use him for fashion advice and he will ditch me as soon as a sweet mantoy walks buy.

MY OTHER CLOSE FRIEND IS MY SISTER: i am a spinster and will be for life. i should buy another cat.

I'M HETEROSEXUAL: i will do anything for any man who gives me the time of day. i'm needy and moody. i'm manipulative and i love mind games. all i care about in the world is getting a big ring and having a 20,000 dollar wedding. i plan to quit working as soon as i sucker a man into supporting me. see above re: vaccuming and bonbons.

I'M PLANNING FOR GRAD SCHOOL: i'm unemployed and too lazy to find a real job.

I'M FAT: i am terribly lonely and unhappy. i'm lazy. i hate myself. i want to die early. i will never get a man. i'm probably a lesbian anyway. i'm overly aggressive and exuberent to compensate for the revulsion my physical body causes. i do nothing but sit around and watch tv, eating bonbons. i will never be happy or successful.

i would elaborate, but i have several tv shows to watch and my gay friend and sister are going to conference call in a few moments so we can discuss male genitalia and the best brands of bonbons.

love,
spork
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UDM
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 12:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have Tourette's syndrome, which means YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCK IN HELL!!!!! it's really all in my head, I just act like that to piss you off, of course there are miracle drugs that could treat it without turning me into a drooling maniac, it really does bother me that you have to go through life in the company of people like me, I'm dangerously anti-social, and it really is funny when you reply by saying "fuck, yeah!"

UDM
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Roy Smith



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Location: Cincinnati

PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 3:26 pm    Post subject: Warn me next time!!!! Reply with quote

Quote:
I have Tourette's syndrome, which means YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCK IN HELL!!!!!


This is the fucking funniest things I've read in forever, nearly pissed myself laughing. I'll do my profile....but later. Prepare yourself for the experiance.
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