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Overall Rating

Awesome: 11.54%
Worth A Look: 9.62%
Average: 13.46%
Pretty Bad: 26.92%
Total Crap38.46%

3 reviews, 34 user ratings

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Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
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by David Cornelius

"Will put you in one of them Eric Stoltz movie-length comas."
1 stars

I’ll admit it: I kinda liked “Anaconda.” Despite its every last bit of stupidity, I had a good time watching anyway - all its dopey B movie excesses reminded me why I like B movies in the first place. That confession made, I also admit to actually wanting to see “Anacondas: The Hunt For the Blood Orchid,” an in-name-only sequel that just had to have its own fair share of accidental brilliance. I mean, the thing takes place in Borneo, where there are no anacondas. Oh, and for a while, the movie was going to be called “Venom,” never mind that anacondas are not venomous. No matter. I was determined to love this movie.

Turns out, to my great dismay, that I was bored for 97 minutes straight. This is a film that manages to take what should have been delirious camp fun and turn it into a struggle to keep any remote interest. And I’m not only ticked that the movie turned out to be so very bad. I’m ticked that even in badness, the film failed to entertain. Consider a scene in which our heroes go over a waterfall, despite their course being upstream, making such a fall impossible. This should’ve left me howling with glee. Instead, I was checking my watch.

And then, there’s the ending. Let’s just skip recapping all that dumbass plot (Morris Chestnut leads a group of jerks going Borneo, where they find a rare plant, find snakes, get eaten, yell a lot, etc.) and go right to the finish. For the final act of the story, director Dwight Little (whose only good movie was “Murder At 1600,” and back off, I actually liked it) decides to shoot everything in available light. Mind you, the last third of the film takes place in the dead of night, meaning moonlight, flashlights, and torches are our only means of seeing anything at all.

Now, there’s a reason filmmakers have for a century now cheated when it comes to lighting night scenes. It’s because otherwise, we, the audience, can’t see diddly crap. Which is what happens here; the film becomes a game of Spot the Actor. And it’s a royal pain in the ass, to say the least. Of all the movies to ask you to strain to keep up, this is not one worth the extra effort.

That’s if you’re still watching anyway. “Anacondas” is a series of bad actors playing annoying characters that beg you to go find something else to watch, and fast. Here’s a cast so bad that its villain is played by a British actor whose British accent sounds fake. I’m not sure how one accomplishes such a feat, perhaps years of training at the Horrible Actor Academy, followed by a chance to see the Academy’s equivalent of James Lipton interview Freddie Prinze, Jr., complete with a Q & A session with the audience afterward about how he prepared for “Wing Commander.” But I digress.

In addition to Lame British Guy, we also get Obnoxious Black Dude (who’s so overplayed in his hip hopness that I’m surprised he didn’t say “oh snap!” every five minutes), Screechy Girl (whose obnoxious horror movie screams will leave you hunting for things to jab into your ear), and, most of all, Serious Action Man. Serious Action Man, played here by Johnny Messner (“Tears of the Sun,” although I don’t remember much about that movie either), is the rugged boat captain who always talks like someone just punched him in the throat. Serious Action Man gets to say, with his raspy throat punch voice, such nuggets of wisdom as “Everything gets eaten out here. It’s the jungle,” and “If you need anything... well... if you need anything, you’re shit out of luck.”

Again, why aren’t I in hysterics at how wonderfully dumb this all is? Because despite its every effort to be magificently, uproariously asinine, it still manages to be a colossal bore. This is a movie that’s so un-fun that merely keeping up with it becomes a major hassle. What I wanted was more Jon Voight-getting-regurgitated; what I got was third-raters-yell-at-each-other. When a lover of awful cinema thinks your bad movie is dull, it’s time to get a new bad movie.

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originally posted: 12/21/04 12:11:13
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User Comments

9/10/09 bronson It woulda been more bearable if the comic relief dude & monkey were killed first. 1 stars
2/02/08 Charles Tatum You'll be cheering on the snakes 1 stars
4/23/07 David Risser Interesting, and fun to watch 4 stars
1/25/07 Matt Mildly entertaining if sloppily constructed rainy-day rental. Cute monkey, though. 3 stars
12/22/06 David Pollastrini not great, not terrible 3 stars
11/18/06 Farnsy You guys are a bunch of Fucking dip-shits that suck a fucking dick you motherfuckers! 4 stars
9/05/06 Katie it was so awesome i would have bought every movie there is. 5 stars
8/10/06 Dragon The Artist My gut says this is another corny, low budget,sequel that'll appear on the Sci Fi Channel! 1 stars
8/05/06 Stanley Thai Badder than the sequel, but still good. Great thrills with even more slithery snales! 4 stars
5/20/06 Kcaj Story Line is A bit thin but has good action and great effects. 4 stars
11/25/05 cr a pretty good action monster flick, but the cgi was overdone and story line got thin 3 stars
9/26/05 Jonathon Holmes the monkey was the best actor in the movie; how pathetic 1 stars
8/13/05 ES The monkey was the smartest member of the crew 2 stars
7/21/05 Brandy Harrington Fucking fuck. 1 stars
5/28/05 tony why dont they just redo the movie speed 2. exept with a snake! 1 stars
4/24/05 Quigley not scary, funny, cool or engaging. had perverted acting; and the CG? a mockery at best 1 stars
1/19/05 American Slasher Goddess Dull and lifeless sequel 1 stars
1/02/05 Freddy there's nothing good to say about this movie. no cool snake effects, not even a hot chick! 1 stars
12/28/04 efrain don't see it. the first one is better, if it can even be called that. 1 stars
12/23/04 Nikon Anyone who thought this movie was "cool" needs to be bitchslap. This movie sucked balls. 1 stars
12/22/04 Chlomobo Haha - the whole packed cinema clapped when the chick chopped its head off! Woohooooo!!! 5 stars
12/03/04 Karen Smith starts w/ crew @eachothers' throat syndrome;then dceent adv.,coincidence-ridden ending. 3 stars
11/05/04 ab a a a a 5 stars
10/15/04 Addy Wilson it was so funny!!!!!! you guys are lucky you got good actors os else i would have hated it! 3 stars
10/05/04 Jessica Bakelmun It was scary but cool 5 stars
9/23/04 eugene ting Acting - good; Narrative structure - good though from, past movies of this sort, predictabl 3 stars
9/09/04 me A great film 5 stars
8/30/04 B Crans Better than the first one, no one watched this for the acting. Terribly awesome. 5 stars
8/30/04 m. willie aames Who duh Fock pays to see this shit? Wasn't #1 shitty 'nuff? 1 stars
8/30/04 malcolm about what i expected, not a single thing new 2 stars
8/30/04 Shep Jerry Bruckheimer does it again....wait. 4 stars
8/30/04 Peter James A shame that movies like Anaconda and AVP symbolize the end of summer every year 1 stars
8/29/04 RJ Fielder I've seen much, much better but I've also seen much, much worse. 3 stars
8/28/04 Galadie shit shit shit! 1 stars
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  27-Aug-2004 (PG-13)
  DVD: 21-Dec-2004



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