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Overall Rating

Awesome: 0%
Worth A Look: 2%
Average: 26%
Pretty Bad: 27%
Total Crap45%

10 reviews, 40 user ratings

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White Noise
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by U.J. Lessing

"First Jack Frost and now this? Keaton,for the love of God, fire your agent!"
1 stars

White Noise is a lifeless affair that strives to take our money while aggravating and annoying us, a niche already filled by the Rainforest Cafť. This movie belongs to a new breed of scary movie that is less concerned with fun, and more concerned with trying to scare its audiences into supernatural believers. Suspect Zero tried to change moviegoers into remote viewing advocates. The Forgotten desperately wanted us to think that we were not alone, and now we have White Noise, a movie that expects its audience to rush home, yank the cables out of the backs of their sets, and stare at static. Yeah, right.

Like many of the ghost films in the last 10 years, White Noise's catalyst is a dead wife. Jonathan Rivers (Michael Keaton) is a happy-go-lucky architect whose wife is about to publish a new book. When Riversí wife dies suddenly, he begins to hear her voice in the static from his televisions, radios and answering machines.

Instead of chalking it up to poorly made electronics, Rivers moves into to the ugliest condo he can find, fills it with televisions, and starts staying up all night recording and listening to static. As he becomes more and more obsessed with communicating with his dead wife, he finds himself confronting a great evil, and the audience confronts a greater evil- boredom.

Michael Keaton is a superb actor and his performances have often breathed life into mundane projects, but in White Noise heís reduced to wandering through the movie moping.

Writer Niall Johnson puts Keaton's character between a rock and hard place. On the one hand, Rivers neglects his son and doesnít even try to move past his wifeís death, opting instead to be a supernatural detective. On the other hand, if he doesnít listen and act on his wifeís messages, innocent people will die. So in essence, Keatonís character is never given the opportunity to avoid being completely unlikable.

If you are going to make a horror film that isn't intelligent, at least add some spirit to it! Horror movies used to be filled with fun, shocks, blood and mayhem. So what if the characters werenít developed? Who cares that they were vaguely exploitative? The goal was always pleasure, and our top grossing filmmakers (Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi to name a few) grew out of this vivacious genre.

White Noise stays grim, and whenever a ghost appeared on one of Keatonís televisions, I didnít find myself cowering into my seat terrified of the undead phantoms that dwell in our world on another plane. Instead, I found myself reminded of how infuriating it was to have the Telemundo signal constantly interfering with ďThe Simpsons" when I lived in Chicago.

Director Geoffrey Sax is the same guy who took the long-running, intellectually stimulating television show, Doctor Who and turned it into a shoddy, substandard, two hour TV movie. No wonder Sax thinks that static is scary and not unrelentingly irritating like the rest of us!

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originally posted: 01/07/05 16:01:03
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User Comments

9/19/13 Marmite I was 90% sure I hated this movie before the climax. I ended up 200% sure. 1 stars
4/11/10 Andrew, Amy and Gaelan shite, shite and more shite. The ending was terrible! I've never said WTF as much! 1 stars
11/27/09 Martin Smith I liked the concept but thought the characters were weak and pointless 3 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Ugg boring!! 2 stars
3/31/08 Raika Any chance those three ghosts can attack the director? 1 stars
10/24/07 Ivana Mann The ending was the biggest WTF moment in the history of American cinema.Absolute poo! 1 stars
8/19/06 Beau pointless scenes, lacked scary themes and trash that should neva have made it to the cinema 1 stars
8/14/06 Sharon its sucks!!! they should have never made this movie I wasted my time and $7!!! I hate it!! 1 stars
4/30/06 Ben W I was a bit clueless, I really wanted to know who the three ghosts were. 2 stars
3/27/06 Doremimi Would someone please cast Michael Keaton in a decent movie? This is getting ridiculous. 1 stars
1/28/06 chris f good movie worth watching 4 stars
1/03/06 Wiseman it was good half of the begining, But what the hell was the end all about? dumb as hell! 1 stars
11/07/05 Count Blah I want the wasted time back. I could have slept instead. . . . 1 stars
9/20/05 Mickey This is like watching a foreign film with no subtitles!! 1 stars
9/02/05 Teh Gret one I really didn't get who was the guy in the chicken suit? Poo movie LOL111111111111 1 stars
7/25/05 Eric Rollins Poltigeist treated this subject more effectively, but it has it's moments. 3 stars
7/06/05 Indrid Cold The story is somewhat weak and unsatisfying, but not bad overall. 3 stars
7/03/05 kanga311 It totally left me hanging. Glad I didn't spend $10 at the theater to see it! 2 stars
6/09/05 camille What was that about? 2 stars
6/08/05 Darryl Watched this same night as "Boogeyman" and this wasn't as scary. 3 stars
6/05/05 Monday Morning Don't waste your time except to ogle Deborah Unger, an ultrababe if I ever saw one. 1 stars
5/25/05 Bart michael keaton is THIS desperate?? I mean..did he even READ the absurd ending? Kill me now! 2 stars
5/24/05 Doug Awfully done, yet by the end you'll be too ANGRY to laugh at it. 2 stars
5/23/05 Victor Meldrew What the hell was that ending all about?! I just didn't understand it! 1 stars
5/23/05 Tammy Horrible film too confusing to be interesting 1 stars
5/20/05 Christy Schultz Look at all the time I will never get back 1 stars
5/19/05 wendy rogers This movie started out ok and then the ending got alittle crazy. It was ok overall. 3 stars
5/19/05 ad could be worse i guess 2 stars
4/15/05 shatonjia Am I allowed to sue for false advertising on a movie preview? 1 stars
2/08/05 Richard Linxwiler Liked it, a scary movie with an actual plot. 4 stars
2/06/05 Real This was a really bad movie. The end totally sucks. 1 stars
1/30/05 Christine It was an okay movie 3 stars
1/29/05 clarance the cobra LICKS BALLS 1 stars
1/28/05 New Jersey Rules There hasn't been a good horror movie since The Blair Witch. 1 stars
1/14/05 Al Guy Not scary. The ad was scarier. 2 stars
1/11/05 Aaron Brown Has its flaws but is still an okay movie. 3 stars
1/09/05 Steve Michaud Staggeringly inept; devoid of chills, atmosphere, logic, or entertainment value 1 stars
1/09/05 Meryl As a student of EVP...this made me weep. Television static? WTF? 2 stars
1/08/05 Kristina Williams Batman sees dead people 3 stars
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  07-Jan-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 17-May-2005



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