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Overall Rating
1.36

Awesome: 1.15%
Worth A Look: 1.15%
Average: 11.49%
Pretty Bad: 4.6%
Total Crap81.61%

5 reviews, 57 user ratings


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Alone in the Dark (2005)
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by Collin Souter

"Is it wrong to love a movie because it's so awful?"
3 stars

Film critics sometimes have to face this dilemma, especially those who love “so bad, they’re good” movies. Here’s my problem: If I had a good time reveling in the awfulness of Uwe Boll’s “Alone In the Dark,” does that warrant a recommendation? Am I in danger of sending out the wrong message if I give this awful movie a 3-star rating or above? Many people who look at critics’ reviews never bother to read the full article. They see the 4-star rating and think, “Wow, it must be good. Honey, pack up the kids and let’s go see ‘The Woodsman.’” It does happen and I don’t want people to think I’m recommending this movie because it’s good.

So, let’s set the record straight right now. “Alone in the Dark” is awful, cheesy, derivative nonsense with bad acting, bad casting and bad directing and that’s exactly what I paid to see. It is perfect Mystery Science Theater 3000 fodder and should elevate Uwe Boll’s status as this generation’s Ed Wood. I mean that lovingly, of course, for here we have a director so clueless of his incompetence, I almost don’t want to incite a cult out of fear he’ll start pandering and purposely make bad movies. I wouldn’t want that. This guy makes horrible movies and I love ‘em just the way they are.

Some people don’t subscribe to the so-bad-it’s-good philosophy and I don’t blame them. Bad movies should not be rewarded, but sometimes I can’t help it. Some movies reach a level of laughable stupidity that strikes a nerve with me and I can’t help but feel grateful for their existence. On a night out with some of my funniest friends, I would much rather sit through a Uwe Boll film and have some laughs at its expense than to walk out of an equally derivative movie like “Les Choristes” and feeling insulted for getting suckered into an arthouse to watch a cliché-ridden hackjob…because it’s French!

Boll is German and therefore funnier. “Alone in the Dark,” his follow-up to the sublime defecation “House of the Dead,” follows the adventures of Edward Carnby (Christian Slater), a paranormal investigator who roams the earth looking scruffy and whose house looks like backstage of the Goodman Theater. He solemnly narrates lines such as “Fear has a way of protecting you from things you don’t believe in” while getting chased through a fish market by a hulking wrestler who can’t be stopped with mere bullets.

Never mind. Carnby also happens to be an abductee from an orphanage 20 years ago. He holds with him a secret artifact that looks like a crumpled up leftover tuna fish sandwich, but nevertheless has the power to control evil demons. Everyone wants this artifact, including Professor Hudgens (Matthew Walker), a gray-haired, bearded mad scientist-type (can’t go wrong with a mad scientist). Hudgens belongs to a governmental paranormal research team, with a military unit run by Commander Richards (Stephen Dorff). Their job is to stand around and look at computer screens all day until something monumental happens.

Of course, something does and it’s big, stupid, slimy and derivative of “Alien.” Sometimes, they can be killed off, but sometimes not. Not sure shy, but not to worry, we got Carnby to root for! That would be fine in and of itself, but as an added bonus, we also have his on-again-off-again love interest Aline Cedrac, played by the bubble with boobs Tara Reid. She plays an anthropologist. With nuances that evoke only the finest porn stars, she ties her hair back and she wears horn-rimmed glasses to fit the role. Come the love scene, she strips herself of this oppressive façade and “OH MY GOD, SHE’S HOT! I HAD NO IDEA!” Better yet, she pronounces Newfoundland as New…FOUND…land.

The best way to sum up what kind of blissful awfulness this movie contains is to look at said love scene. Aline basically stops by Carnby’s house to nail him. To music. Bad music. Bad LOVE BALLAD music. AND IT’S THEIR SECOND OR THIRD SCENE TOGETHER! When played straight, this tender moment achieves the exact same effect as the sex scene between the two puppets in “Team America: World Police,” music and all. The movie pretty much operates on that level all the way through, right up to the finale, which contains probably the most unintentionally hilarious closing credits song of all time. Seriously, you would think Trey Parker wrote and directed this movie.

“Alone in the Dark” doesn’t quite achieve the jaw-dropping level of ingenious craptitude as its predecessor “House of the Dead,” but it comes close and close is close enough for a recommendation if you’re looking to book a great Bad Film Festival. This movie doesn’t have the inexplicable random cuts to the video game on which it’s based, nor does it have the nonsensical rapid-fire flashback sequence that helped make “House of the Dead” a Bad Movie legend. Yet, it exists in the same stratosphere. I had a great time at these two trashy movies, but if this doesn’t sound like your idea of a good time and you don’t have any friends to bring with you to crack jokes, then don’t take any of this as a recommendation. Take this review for what it’s worth. It’s the best so-bad-it’s-good movie since “Paparazzi.”

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=11468&reviewer=233
originally posted: 01/31/05 05:29:39
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User Comments

4/24/17 David H. Tara Reid as a scientist; that's should have been the first clue of a truly bad movie. 1 stars
8/07/15 ThommyMac I'm a bad movie afficiando since the early 70s. Kids, this is 'so bad its bad' 2 stars
9/25/13 David Hollingsworth giving this 1 star is too good for it. 1 stars
7/24/12 Quigley Ungodly stupid. 1 stars
4/01/12 CR a decent movie with good effects, ok story, and some scares. 3 stars
4/02/11 JW The perfect so-bad-it's-good film. I can't trash a movie that's given me so much laughter. 3 stars
6/30/10 Mr X I watched this entire shitty movie for nothing! FOR FUCKING NOTHING! GODDAMN IT! 1 stars
1/14/09 blah blah how the fuck does boll keep working he's complete dog shit 1 stars
9/12/08 PAUL SHORTT THERE IS A REASON TO FEAR BEING ALONE IN THE DARK: IT'S THIS FILM 1 stars
8/05/08 Bnorm I would rather watch a 4 day marathon of bollywood music videos. Fucking atrocious 1 stars
11/20/07 B Short without a doubt, the worst movie...ever 1 stars
10/03/07 wall avoid 1 stars
6/13/07 Lewis Hamilton Honestly, the greatest comedy movie ever made! 5 stars
5/01/07 Uwe Boll I'll beat up anyone who thinks this isn't shit. 1 stars
4/18/07 Tracey Chambers bad movie. great game. 1 stars
3/26/07 Nick One of the worst 'horror' movies Ive ever saw, and thats saying a lot 1 stars
8/20/06 Ryan_A Worse than you've heard. Reid's uniquely horrible. 1 stars
7/21/06 Sugarfoot A song called 7 Seconds is played during Reid/Slater's sex scene. That is hilarious. 1 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G I cannot put into words how bad this film is,instead im going to say something random. "pp" 1 stars
7/10/06 Steve Michaud And Uwe Boll continues to pollute the cinematic landscape like so much toxic waste... 1 stars
6/05/06 Jon Why do they even let Boll make movies? 1 stars
3/14/06 tatum I was lost from the opening scene...Reid is this country's worst actress 1 stars
3/01/06 davey madden awful 1 stars
1/04/06 WISEMAN This movie must have been so bad, I didnt even know a movie was made about this... 1 stars
11/27/05 Indrid Cold Laughable mishmash of "Aliens" and other good films. I'll be nice and give it a 2. 2 stars
11/10/05 jingy I expected HOUSE OF THE DEAD bad and only got LEONARD PART 6 bad. Either way, still shit. 1 stars
10/27/05 mad_zombie_killer Tara Reid's best work 1 stars
8/23/05 Nick Miscast ,fake hollywood Scientist girlfriend. Bad acting, Bad story,Bad everything! 1 stars
8/18/05 ES they're right its terrible 1 stars
8/05/05 Sucks the suckiest of suckitude Man, why do Slater and Dorff have to be whoring in this kind of shit? 1 stars
7/29/05 E The most torturous 90 minutes I've ever experienced 1 stars
7/19/05 Brandy Harrington This is horrible, even for Christian Slater... 1 stars
7/17/05 Eduardo I'm having the laugh of my life! This review and comments its the best of this movie 1 stars
7/13/05 C.E. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz............ 1 stars
7/09/05 Moctezuma Wow! What a borefest! 1 stars
6/20/05 ALBERT AN INCREDIBLE PIECE OF SHIT. 1 stars
6/16/05 Chesterfield This movie sucks geriatric ass!!!!, and it's bad too.....=S 1 stars
6/09/05 Vince SERIOUSLY, I can't think of any movie worse than this one. 1 stars
6/07/05 ELI Hehehehehehe. This was DUMB to the 9,000,000,000th degree...er something. 1 stars
5/26/05 BB Alone in the Dark, Great! Then I watched it. My dog humping a teletubbie is scarier. 1 stars
3/12/05 Mc Mr. Dr. Phd. I didn't even see it but I know I can't be wrong giving it the lowest possible rating :) 1 stars
3/05/05 Leesha Worst film I've ever seen in a theater. 1 stars
2/20/05 Naka It's UWE BOLL, folks. What the hell did you EXPECT?!? 1 stars
2/10/05 Uncle Salty Tara Reid? Christian Slater? COULD ANYONE HAVE ANTICIPATED THE AMAZING AMOUNT OF SUCK??? 1 stars
2/09/05 Al Guy Sad. Actually worse than House of the Dead. 1 stars
2/08/05 tsuikin Very good 4 stars
2/06/05 http://www.goat.cx Which no standard cunt keeps voting this pile if shite as average? 1 stars
2/04/05 Roy L. Cain The most dumbest movie this year so far ! 1 stars
2/03/05 Dewey This isn't "laugh at it" bad, like Gigli, this is "sleep through it" bad. AVOID IT. 1 stars
2/03/05 Die, Rodney Stephens, you scumbag. This will be the worst film of the century, unless Boll makes another one. 1 stars
2/03/05 Paul 1 star is too generous; truly heinous in every way 1 stars
2/02/05 mott the drupal where are the bugs? the game had many glitches! 2 stars
2/02/05 Rodney Stephens GOOD MOVIE 3 stars
2/02/05 whatevr yet another awful video game movie 1 stars
2/01/05 John tara reid is hot, i just wore ear plugs throughout the movie 3 stars
1/30/05 bongeezer Not one believable chaarctor in this steaming pile. 1 stars
1/30/05 Marilyn a waste of time 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  28-Jan-2005 (R)
  DVD: 10-May-2005

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