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Overall Rating
2.54

Awesome: 11.92%
Worth A Look: 9.93%
Average: 29.8%
Pretty Bad: 16.56%
Total Crap31.79%

12 reviews, 79 user ratings


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Amityville Horror, The (2005)
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by Doug Bentin

"Okay, it’s scarier than the original, but 'Bambi' was, too."
2 stars

Like ghosts, your neighbor’s cat, and bad Supreme Court appointments, some things won’t go away. Case in point: just when we thought it was safe to go back to the theater to see haunted house movies, along comes this do-over “Amityville Horror.”

If you came in late, here’s our story so far. George and Kathy Lutz (Ryan Reynolds and Melissa George), a young couple with three kids—George is the step-dad—move into a Dutch colonial house on a lake in Amityville, NY. Hmmm. Waterfront property. Big house. Big yard. Cheap asking price. What could be wrong? How about . . . peeling paint. Nasty, drippy stains on the ceilings. Spooky noises. A Realtor who refuses to accompany prospective buyers into the basement. And those damn windows that make the place look like a carved pumpkin.

Is this a movie about upwardly mobile thirtysomethings who are so desperate to sink their teeth into the American dream that they’re willing to turn a blind nose to that stench emanating from the State of Denmark? You wish.

No, it’s just a spook house flick, and a badly constructed one at that.

It starts off well, with subtlety and even something that might be wit, but as soon as we get into the second reel, the wheels drop off. Introducing that Realtor (Annabel Armour) and then letting her disappear makes sense, but other characters enter, ones we expect might have some impact later in the picture, and they also just go “poof.”

For instance, a babysitter (Rachel Nichols) struts her way into the house just long enough to terrify the kids by telling them about the mass murder that occurred there a year before they moved in (“I suck at babysitting,” she admits anachronistically for the 1970s).

She scares the bejeezus out of them, and then the compliment is returned by the ghost of one of the victims when it says “Boo” to her, and then, after being wheeled away by paramedics, nada. The cops don’t even investigate what happened to her. Her parents don’t demonstrate any interest either.

And remember that this happens in a house that is locally reputed to be, at the very least, haunted. The aftermath, or lack of same, of the babysitter scene is just bad, bad filmmaking.

A priest (Philip Baker Hall) is called in to check the place over. He runs screaming to his car, but does nothing else about a house that has more demons than the Everglades has mosquitoes. He should have called the priest from “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” and they could have held “Exorcism-pa-looza.” Bring in Alice Cooper to provide the music. Fun for the entire family.

I’ve pretty much reached the point at which I no longer care if Hollywood’s idea of a new horror movie is doing some body work on an older model, but I do still get miffed when directors and writers like Andrew Douglas and Scott Kosar go into their projects assuming that audiences are too disinterested in the end product to care whether or not it makes sense. Start from logic and then break it down realistically. I can go for that.

In this picture, George Lutz falls under the house’s spell. Scenes in which we see him slipping away are spooky enough, but when he goes all Jack Nicholson and grabs up an axe, all I see is a faded carbon copy. Even then, if you’re going to be inspired by something like “The Shining,” remember that a moment most people seem to remember as being among the creepiest was when we saw the text Jack had been typing so furiously. Going crazy is scarier than being crazy. Stick with that.

And just drop all the “based on a true story” crap. We’ve all known for decades now that this hodgepodge of haunted house clichés was a hoax.

In the Trivia section for this flick in the Internet Movie Database we see that “This movie was not screened for the critics.” Hell, it was barely screened for audiences.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=11925&reviewer=405
originally posted: 10/14/05 00:47:31
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Horror Remakes: For more in the Horror Remakes series, click here.

User Comments

2/21/17 morris campbell it sux read the book instead 1 stars
9/04/15 David Hollingsworth The only thing that is watchable is Ryan Reynolds' abs. 1 stars
12/11/12 Jamie 'Art' fuck you, you cunt. This sucks. 1 stars
9/06/10 art this 2005 one ROCK"S!,and it take's one {A MORON} to know ONE! 4 stars
6/21/10 Sarah Webster Hey art, the original is a classic. This remake is shit.u make yourself look like a moron! 1 stars
3/14/10 art TO TELL YOU the TRUTH,i never saw the first one,i read the NOVEL,this one is the BEST! 4 stars
7/31/09 art MUCH BETTER THAN THE 1979 ORIGINAL! 4 stars
9/11/07 TreeTiger Not that bad, actually... 4 stars
4/19/07 Stevo UK The only thing scary about this film is that another might be on the way. 2 stars
11/19/06 khrystal very scary! i kept seeing that little girl hanging at the foot of my bed for weeks!!! 5 stars
11/14/06 Mark pass 2 stars
11/05/06 mp good visual effects , good acting, and steady supsense, that is all folks. 3 stars
9/23/06 David Pollastrini the house looks nothing like the real house 3 stars
8/22/06 Mr.X this movie blew big donkey dick!!!! 1 stars
8/09/06 Dragon The Artist An abomination to the original, just another over the top crappy, horror popcorn flick. 1 stars
6/16/06 Michele good remake clever additions 4 stars
3/19/06 CJ Intensity throughout it all 5 stars
3/16/06 Anthony Feor A pitiful remake 1 stars
2/17/06 Alice Nope 1 stars
2/03/06 tatum Starts well, gets progressively sillier as it goes 2 stars
12/17/05 JeromeBosch Beefcake and babe can’t save this diluted bouillon of a remake. 2 stars
12/14/05 me could have been better 3 stars
12/02/05 George just as bad as the original 1 stars
12/01/05 MrsVoorheesBabyBoy Better Than the Original 4 stars
11/24/05 cr a pump up remake and scary of course, but nothing to be jumping about 3 stars
11/24/05 cr a pump up remake and scary of course, but nothing to be jumping about 3 stars
11/23/05 Melissa Ryan Reynolds looked hot (and crazy) -- not bad but not scary enough either. 4 stars
11/22/05 Kurtis J. Beard Wow - beyond horrible. All time low for horror. 1 stars
11/20/05 Bestit People who are scared of this are scared of their own farts, as well. 1 stars
11/14/05 Indrid Cold Of course it looks great, but ultimately just a compilation of cliches. 2 stars
11/03/05 nikita m i thought it was a good movie it freaked the shit out of me and the guy is so hot its crta 5 stars
10/29/05 Horror buff I think it was actually a good remake, though not as scary as the orginal. 4 stars
10/25/05 chris fox (the god) a fair movie not very scary though 3 stars
10/20/05 PAG Mediocre. Better than original, but that is not saying much. 3 stars
10/17/05 tony scary and sometimes boring. Parts were slow,and dull. 2 stars
10/15/05 Adam The original was at least passable than this second rate crapfest 1 stars
10/12/05 ad ok 3 stars
10/10/05 ashley i liked it but i want to know more 4 stars
10/08/05 Monday Morning Points off for the dog getting killed, but OK otherwise. 4 stars
10/08/05 othree Great casting, suck storyline, suck version, suck efx 1 stars
10/05/05 j.b 2.5 1 stars
9/27/05 Amber I love this movie it wa the only movie that I've ever been to where people screamed 5 stars
9/09/05 John Surprise: A remake that's better than the original 4 stars
9/03/05 Jenny This is a scary movie Ryan Reynolds and Melissa George are great together 5 stars
8/07/05 Junior The most shocking thing about this motion picture is that it's all true! 5 stars
7/25/05 Eric Rollins Original was boring, predictable mess and this remake is only slightly better. 2 stars
7/07/05 YEAH U SEE ME?ITS ME!! hey its me again..ITS FUCKING FUNNY 5 stars
7/07/05 YEAH U SEE ME?ITS ME!! cool movie.very funny 5 stars
7/07/05 Jmz H scary movies ending always scary..sigh.. 5 stars
5/22/05 Charlene Javier I finally liked a Ryan Reynolds movie! 3 stars
5/19/05 wendy rogers The movie is ok...Not real scary but worth seeing. 4 stars
5/17/05 Shawn Borucki Forgettable movie. Somes scenes feel like they were mimicing Kingdom Hospital and Ju-On. 3 stars
5/10/05 Carol ok 3 stars
5/02/05 Valerie great movie, great plot, but the ending is really stupid. 4 stars
4/29/05 Mider when its a good movie and its a remake then that makes it a GREAT remake 5 stars
4/27/05 Aaron Pilkington Scary as hell!!! 5 stars
4/27/05 John very effective and at times really scary- well done 4 stars
4/26/05 Sheree Burns I thought this was the best "remake" film yet.... 5 stars
4/26/05 E-FUNK Collapses immediately and induces laughter when you should be shitting your pants. 2 stars
4/24/05 movie man It was a excelent movie 5 stars
4/21/05 Naka Gore an' shit. Whoo. Now, if only it was, you know, entertaining or at all scary... 1 stars
4/20/05 Krisan Graves Decent movie 3 stars
4/20/05 J MAN scary 5 stars
4/19/05 Maril Smith Excellent Instant Classic! The first film to really scare me and my friends since The Ring! 5 stars
4/19/05 Me A great film 5 stars
4/19/05 Mix Master Mason Should have gone direct to video. Has that annoying Marilyn Manson video look. Blah!!!!!!!! 2 stars
4/19/05 Michael Lee I thought it was, what it was... a good scary movie. 4 stars
4/19/05 Al Guy Lame. The Shining done poorly. 2 stars
4/19/05 Tom Rudderham A lazy and thoughtless remake. 1 stars
4/18/05 Renita Long not as good as the original 2 stars
4/18/05 Gray could have been better 3 stars
4/18/05 Ahnold Not as good as original, but not as bad as everyone writes 3 stars
4/18/05 Christy Weller It's an ok movie, Not one I would Highly reccomend 3 stars
4/17/05 Sharon Davis No worse than the other horror movies out there 2 stars
4/17/05 J MAN Nice surprise, good thrills. Scary how it's a true story.... 5 stars
4/17/05 rory i couldn't sleep after this one. Scarier then the original.... 5 stars
4/17/05 Junior LaROche Liked the original, don't like the current string of Holylwood remakes!!!! 2 stars
4/16/05 Naka Horror shit. 1 stars
4/15/05 shatonjia I hated it 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  15-Apr-2005 (R)
  DVD: 04-Oct-2005

UK
  N/A

Australia
  14-Apr-2005




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