Reviewed By Erik Childress
Posted 08/17/05 14:18:12

"For Those Who Preferred The Opening To The Closing Of The Brown Bunny"
1 stars (Total Crap)

Supercross is not a movie. Dissenters can actually throw that argument against the same wall that sticks back-and-forth on pro-choice and the Terry Schiavo case. Hey, if it looks like a movie and smells like a movie then it must be a movie, right? Well, wrong, no matter how much it smells. Even Descartes couldn’t apply his “I think therefore I am” principle since no thinking could have been involved in the pre-or-post-production crafting of this atrocity. If my penis had ink it could craft a picture flipbook better than this.

In the grand tradition of Days of Thunder, Driven and beating your head on an anvil, Supercross reports to take us into the “high-octane world of motorbike competition”. Finally, the film we’ve been waiting for to dig deep within the fabric of glorified BMX riding. With a cast that reads like a battle of the Fox & WB network stars, there’s little hope that we’ll be getting anything in the realm of interesting characters or Shakespearean dialect. If you feel I’m being too harsh on a culture that equally enjoys One Tree Hill and Motocross, just remember that you haven’t seen the movie yet.

You’ve got your two brothers, KC (Steve Howey) and Trip (Mike Vogel), pool cleaners by day and hard racers by night. KC is the older cautious one and Trip the looser cannon. To balance the testosterone we’ve got two lovely young ladies. Piper (Cameron Richardson) works for her father’s (Robert Patrick) “privateer” racing team whose star is teen pop non-sensation Aaron Carter (in all of about two scenes and one line of dialogue.)
Piper & Trip’s love theme during a biking excursion turns out to be the song “Ride Of Your Life", last heard over the end credits of the Amanda Bynes vehicle What a Girl Wants and rivals the skydiving scene in Megaforce for ultimate movie cheese. Zoe (Sophia Bush, from the aforementioned One Tree Hill) is the upscale pre-Law student who takes a shine to KC and shows up every time the director needs a cutaway.

KC becomes a second fiddle roadblock on the sponsored team. Trip resents him. KC looks perpetually confused. Oh forget it. We’re dealing with characters here who believe the highlight of going to Vegas are those cool lasers and fireworks that go off at the racetrack. Even the zombies in Land of the Dead moved on past that. And I’m looking right at you Robert Carradine. With this check-cash, you managed to make your character in Revenge of the Nerds cooler. And I mean in Nerds in Paradise.

Supercross certainly isn’t the first film to be crafted off a collection of flash cards, but it may be the first one to use those flash cards in place of an actual script. You can imagine said cards being placed on the foreheads of each of the actors and instructed to do their best at remembering what the characters in Grind would have done. And try to make the dialogue as gay as possible. Examples:

“We’re tight but it doesn’t mean we don’t compete.”

“There’s our semi.”

“He’s going to be my new wingman.”

“Don’t pinch me cause I don’t want to wake up from this one.”

“Did you pull it out of the hole? You want to find out?”

“You’re a better rider than me.”

“He was looking fast today. And loose.”

“I love your hunger. You’re like a rabid dog.”

“Don’t put your shit on her.”

“Look how smooth he is.”

“Didn’t I spank you over at that Moto in Napa Valley?”

“I should take you out right now.”

“Trip Carlyle taking one for his big brother.”

“Take your purple superhero costume and shove it up your ass. DICK!”

“Stay on the leader’s ass and keep him honest.”

Stunt coordinator-turned-director (and I use the term loosely) Steve Boyum who has recently cut his teeth and our time on Earth short with straight-to-video sequels to Timecop and Slap Shot, has seemingly found a bunch of discarded racing footage and edited it together with an announcer in a desperate attempt to let the audience know who is actually winning. One particular shot manages to switch the lead of the two frontrunners three times – while they are in mid-air on the same jump. He could have put a stationary camera in front of the old Rally X video game and got an extra half-star out of me.

Earlier this year, a documentary on the off-road Baja 1000 (Dust To Glory) opened and a colleague of mine was blasted with some of the nastiest hate mail from the gearheads who believed he was a bit off-base in criticizing their Johnson rods. Until you see the film, please save your e-mails. I’ve already been punished enough. (Published in the Chicago Daily Herald 08/17/05)

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