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Overall Rating

Awesome: 2.33%
Worth A Look: 4.65%
Average: 2.33%
Pretty Bad: 3.49%
Total Crap87.21%

8 reviews, 38 user ratings

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by David Cornelius

"Oh, Uwe Boll, will you never learn?"
1 stars

There is a report that’s been going around for a while now - chances are you’ve probably heard of it - that suggests Uwe Boll intentionally makes bad movies, in order to take advantage of a some loophole or other in German tax laws, a loophole that rewards failure. He’s the Max Bialystock of cinema, if you will.

Boll, who specializes in lousy adaptations of lousy video games, now delivers his very own “Springtime For Hitler:” “Bloodrayne,” a medieval vampire romp that would be painfully hilarious if it weren’t so dreadfully boring. Yes, there are castles and monsters and swordfights and even Sir Ben Kingsley, but there is nothing here that works as anything other than bland catastrophe.

Kristanna Loken (she of “Terminator 3” fame) stars as Rayne, a half-human/half-vampire who cannot touch ordinary water, apparently because she is also half-gremlin. Rayne escapes from the carnival that held her captive and goes off in search of Kagan (Kingsley, of “A Sound of Thunder” fame), her vampire father. Along the way, there are vampire hunters, some of them played by Michael Madsen, and there are big fat vampires, some of them played by Meat Loaf. Udo Kier shows up at one point, if only to ensure that “Dracula 3000” does not wind up as the worst movie in his filmography. Michael Paré shows also pops by, thus giving everyone watching the chance to crack “Eddie and the Cruisers” jokes.

There is a lot of wandering around sets borrowed from the local renaissance fair, and occasionally someone will attack Rayne with a sword or something. A few times, whenever things get too unbearably dull, Sir Ben Kingsley will turn into a vampire and eat somebody.

That’s pretty much all there is to “Bloodrayne,” really. I am told there is a screenplay, and that it was written by Guinevere Turner, the very same Guinevere Turner that penned “The Notorious Bettie Page” and “Go Fish.” Watching the film, however, one gets a sense of no script at all; all dialogue was surely spat out minutes before filming by anyone with a free minute, and the cast was required to remember these lines just long enough to say them in the correct order while the cameras roll. Surely this can be the only reason for such a combination of unfathomable dialogue and unwatchable performances, and don’t worry if none of the accents match, or if nobody looks like they’re in the right role, or if most of the cast is rushing through in hopes of cashing their paychecks before they bounce. This is a movie so bad that it actually asks Michelle Rodriguez, of all people, to attempt a British accent - which, much to our horror, she does.

The key to all of this, of course, is Boll himself. This is a director that has yet to master the very fundamentals of storytelling. He gets things on camera, yes, but he does not know what to do with them. He asks nothing of his actors, and that’s often exactly what he gets. He points and shoots and maybe they can fix it in editing, and that’s as close we get to any sort of effort. If Tor Johnson would show up in a Uwe Boll movie, bumping into walls, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least.

The sorry thing about all of this, however, is that “Bloodrayne” is not the hysterical crapfest every Bad Movie fanatic hopes it to be. While there are moments so mindless here that guarantee a giggle or three over pizza and beer with your buddies, the majority of this film is a soulless, uneventful mess. We can marvel at the ineptitude on display in every scene, but it’s all so dreary and rambling that it becomes a struggle just to maintain attention. This is a movie that begs you not to watch it.

Still, Meat Loaf in a gigantic white wig? OK. That’s hilarious.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 05/22/06 11:15:18
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OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Austin Film Festival For more in the 2005 Austin Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

12/11/21 Master Another heaping mound of dog shot from the talentless boll everything sucks 1 stars
4/24/17 David H. Complete malarkey and doggy poop. 1 stars
5/03/11 austin dreadful 1 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Awesome storyline! 5 stars
5/11/08 Tabitha Rabisa I liked the plot and the actors they chose to play the roles 4 stars
4/13/08 MJ Kristanna Loken is the only good thing about this film! 1 stars
8/22/07 AntiGaneshKumar Toast to the idiots who gave this movie 4+ stars. You've joined the 0.01% moviegoers... 1 stars
3/04/07 gal. i all the terrible things about this movie which just happens to be everything 1 stars
10/30/06 wesley sniper Dear Cody, You are mentally retarded. Love, everyone 1 stars
10/18/06 AJ Muller words fail me. uwe boll makes people wish for deaf dumb and blindness REPEATEDLY 1 stars
10/07/06 El Kevino Eh, was pretty bad. 1 stars
8/20/06 ganeshkumar good 4 stars
8/10/06 melivorous i wish boll were dead, the end 1 stars
8/09/06 Dragon The Artist A few minute campy qualities, but opinions are like @$$holes, everybody has one,BOLL HATERZ 4 stars
8/06/06 cody armstrong It is an excellent movie. 5 stars
8/01/06 Andras I liked the movie. I wish there was more background story. 4 stars
7/22/06 RealDeal2006 Uwe seen one movie from this useless cunt uwe seen them all! 2 stars
7/21/06 Sugarfoot So that's where Michael Pare has been hiding...In lame Uwe Boll flicks. 1 stars
7/18/06 Woodsie So bad I was expecting the audience to adopt the brace position in the seats! 2 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G what's funny is after all of these shit movies, I still want to see the next one. 1 stars
7/08/06 ALDO Enjoyed it ...much better than catwoman, elekra Much better 3 stars
7/05/06 Ducka Amazingly terrible 1 stars
7/03/06 Ryden FC Stunningly awful. Boll exceeds expectations again! 1 stars
6/25/06 pete no 1 stars
6/19/06 Ray One person only couldnt have done something so bad 1 stars
6/19/06 Jon Dolnier Lame, but I pretty much expected it to be so... 1 stars
6/05/06 Jon Fuck it 1 stars
5/31/06 Ryan_A As bad as advertised, and still worse than expected. Inept in every way. 1 stars
5/21/06 Sugarfoot Uwe Boll is the devil, I tell you! 1 stars
5/18/06 Uwe never seen anything like it! Awful 1 stars
5/13/06 Duffyboy666 UWE is BOLLocks. 1 stars
2/20/06 Sean D Oh dear fucking goodness make him STOP! 1 stars
1/25/06 AntiBoll No Scott we go see his movies they make money, and THEN he will stop making them (we hope) 1 stars
1/15/06 Uwe Boll HaHa i made it suck on purpose! >:D 1 stars
1/11/06 Ole Man Bourbon So bad, once it looked like Madsen was about to start crying while delivering a line 1 stars
1/11/06 Jason Keller Was going to say "like watching porn without the sex", but he went and threw in a sex scene 1 stars
1/09/06 Zordude It was no really good, but watchable for someone who likes the genre 3 stars
1/07/06 The Crystal Lich "... a film professor's most vibrant nightmare." Brilliant! 2 stars
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  06-Jan-2006 (R)
  DVD: 23-May-2006



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