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Overall Rating
1.32

Awesome: 2.35%
Worth A Look: 4.71%
Average: 2.35%
Pretty Bad: 3.53%
Total Crap87.06%

8 reviews, 37 user ratings


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Bloodrayne
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by Doug Bentin

"Avoid this as you would the mistletoe at a leper colony."
1 stars

German producer/director Uwe Boll has the Sadim Touch. That’s “Midas” spelled backwards because everything he touches that’s made of gold turns to shit. Yes, Virginia, he’s that bad.

The infamous unterdirector Uwe Boll seems to have patterned his career after a personage from American films. Orson Welles? Nope. Alfred Hitchcock? Uh uh.

It’s Max Bialystock in “The Producers.” The German tax laws are such that investors can write off 100% of their losses if they put their money into a movie that bombs. That’s how Boll, after cinematic insults like “Alone in the Dark” and “House of the Dead” can keep making films. Get this. He was reported to have said at the premiere of “Bloodrayne” in Hollywood that he expected 80% of the audience to have left the theater by film’s end. Just 80%. What an optimist.

Kristinna Loken (the T-X killer robot in “Terminator 3”) stars as Rayne, half vampire and half human, in 18th. century Romania. She’s on a quest to kill Kagan (Ben Kingsley, or maybe his evil twin), the king of the vampires because he raped and murdered her mother while the young Rayne watched.

She links up with the Brimstone Society, a bunch of people who scour the land seeking vampires to kill. Hey, it’s a job. They are led by Vladimir (Michael Madsen, looking as if he knows how much hell he’s going to catch from buddy Quentin Tarantino for agreeing to appear in this crap-a-palooza), his trusty right hand Domastir (Boll favorite Will Sanderson) and Kararin (Michelle Rodriguez). I think she may have taken too many accidental shots to the head in Girl Fight. Okay, you explain why she’s doing shit like this.

This one should really be called “Bloodbagges” because blood bags pop and spew their contents every few minutes. There hasn’t been this much blood on the walls since the Angel brought a plague warning to the Jews in Egypt.

One of them will be a traitor to the cause. The Good Guys win. The End. Roll credits.

The picture also contains performances, if you can call them that, by Billy Zane, Udo Kier, Geraldine Chaplin, and Meat Loaf. Boll is reputed to be a nice guy, friendly and funny. Maybe these actors just like him and are willing to help him out. That’s why Goering, Goebbels, and Himmler stuck with Hitler. It’s a German thing.

Or maybe they need tax breaks and protect their investments in his movies by appearing therein and delivering excruciatingly bad performances.

To keep from getting thoroughly Bolled over while watching one of these things, you have to make your own amusement. I like to look for those small moments, the details that perfect the director’s incompetence.

In this one, I love the moment when Billy Zane, annoyed at one of his servants, called the man a “peon.” And the time when Udo Kier’s priest tells Rayne to “follow me” and after a cut we see the two of them stepping through a doorway, her in the lead.

And the time Rayne knocks on a huge wooden door and her knuckles produce what sounds like the toll of doom. The door opens and it appears to be 6 to 9 inches thick. Some knuckles. Chuck Norris delivering a roundhouse kick to a drum made with elephant hide wouldn’t make a sound like that.

My favorite bit, though, comes with that highly emotional scene in which Rayne tells us about Kagan raping and killing her mother. Boll gives us one of the movie’s many flashbacks. We see Kagan and Mom talking, then arguing, and then he kills her. No rape. I may be wrong, but isn’t someone supposed to read the script before shooting begins? Besides, oh boo hoo. It’s 18th. century Romania, for cryin’ out loud. What else would you expect? He should take her to an ice cream social?

Loken has one sex scene—standing up and very acrobatic against jail cell bars—and she looks terrific topless.

But not that terrific. A movie this bad is released on Jan. 6? Where can 2006 possibly go from here?

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=13315&reviewer=405
originally posted: 01/19/06 08:41:52
[printer] printer-friendly format  
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Austin Film Festival For more in the 2005 Austin Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

4/24/17 David H. Complete malarkey and doggy poop. 1 stars
5/03/11 austin dreadful 1 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Awesome storyline! 5 stars
5/11/08 Tabitha Rabisa I liked the plot and the actors they chose to play the roles 4 stars
4/13/08 MJ Kristanna Loken is the only good thing about this film! 1 stars
8/22/07 AntiGaneshKumar Toast to the idiots who gave this movie 4+ stars. You've joined the 0.01% moviegoers... 1 stars
3/04/07 gal. i laughed..at all the terrible things about this movie which just happens to be everything 1 stars
10/30/06 wesley sniper Dear Cody, You are mentally retarded. Love, everyone 1 stars
10/18/06 AJ Muller words fail me. uwe boll makes people wish for deaf dumb and blindness REPEATEDLY 1 stars
10/07/06 El Kevino Eh, was pretty bad. 1 stars
8/20/06 ganeshkumar good 4 stars
8/10/06 melivorous i wish boll were dead, the end 1 stars
8/09/06 Dragon The Artist A few minute campy qualities, but opinions are like @$$holes, everybody has one,BOLL HATERZ 4 stars
8/06/06 cody armstrong It is an excellent movie. 5 stars
8/01/06 Andras I liked the movie. I wish there was more background story. 4 stars
7/22/06 RealDeal2006 Uwe seen one movie from this useless cunt uwe seen them all! 2 stars
7/21/06 Sugarfoot So that's where Michael Pare has been hiding...In lame Uwe Boll flicks. 1 stars
7/18/06 Woodsie So bad I was expecting the audience to adopt the brace position in the seats! 2 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G what's funny is after all of these shit movies, I still want to see the next one. 1 stars
7/08/06 ALDO Enjoyed it ...much better than catwoman, elekra Much better 3 stars
7/05/06 Ducka Amazingly terrible 1 stars
7/03/06 Ryden FC Stunningly awful. Boll exceeds expectations again! 1 stars
6/25/06 pete no 1 stars
6/19/06 Ray One person only couldnt have done something so bad 1 stars
6/19/06 Jon Dolnier Lame, but I pretty much expected it to be so... 1 stars
6/05/06 Jon Fuck it 1 stars
5/31/06 Ryan_A As bad as advertised, and still worse than expected. Inept in every way. 1 stars
5/21/06 Sugarfoot Uwe Boll is the devil, I tell you! 1 stars
5/18/06 Uwe never seen anything like it! Awful 1 stars
5/13/06 Duffyboy666 UWE is BOLLocks. 1 stars
2/20/06 Sean D Oh dear fucking goodness make him STOP! 1 stars
1/25/06 AntiBoll No Scott we go see his movies they make money, and THEN he will stop making them (we hope) 1 stars
1/15/06 Uwe Boll HaHa i made it suck on purpose! >:D 1 stars
1/11/06 Ole Man Bourbon So bad, once it looked like Madsen was about to start crying while delivering a line 1 stars
1/11/06 Jason Keller Was going to say "like watching porn without the sex", but he went and threw in a sex scene 1 stars
1/09/06 Zordude It was no really good, but watchable for someone who likes the genre 3 stars
1/07/06 The Crystal Lich "... a film professor's most vibrant nightmare." Brilliant! 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  06-Jan-2006 (R)
  DVD: 23-May-2006

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