See No Evil

Reviewed By Doug Bentin
Posted 06/20/06 03:31:37

"“See No Evil”? Treat yourself and don’t see any part of this movie at all."
1 stars (Total Crap)

Hey, I like a good sick joke as well as the next guy, but some of the stuff in this picture would have Jeff Dahmer reaching for the Pepto-Bismol. And none of it is funny. On purpose, anyway.

Vince McMahon, the big cheese and front man for World Wrestling Entertainment—the WWE—must have decided that he wanted to do for cinema what he’s done for professional sports. It’s what Ennis did to Jack Twist, and I don’t mean almost win an Oscar, if you get my drift.

Yes, Big Vince has become a movie executive producer and I suspect the true auteur behind “See No Evil,” the new patchwork splatter film that is composed of discarded body parts from more famous and better movies.

Glen Jacobs, under his nom de rassle, Kane, stars as Jacob Goodnight, a mean motor scooter and wannabe axe-wielding franchise character. As the movie opens, two cops carefully enter an old house to rescue the woman they hear screaming inside. One of them is killed by Goodnight and the other one, after discovering that the woman was screaming because someone had plucked her eyeballs out, gets his left arm whacked off below the elbow.

You’re taking notes on this, right? Two nekkid eye sockets, one axe murder, and one dismemberment. Fun, huh? I should say.

Now it’s four years later and the cop with the severed arm is taking a group of eight young criminals from jail to spend three days helping a little old lady clean up a hotel that’s been abandoned for 30 years so it can be turned into a homeless shelter. For this labor, the cons get 30 days taken of their sentences.

Of course it doesn’t make any sense, but it’s just an excuse to get them into the Blackwell Hotel so Goodnight can start whittling away at them. This is one of those process of elimination stories wherein the suspense, such as it is, springs from wondering who’s gonna get it next.

I’m not going to bore you with the names of the rest of the cast because you don’t know them anyway and there isn’t a convincing performance from first frame to last. There can be a masochistic charm in ogling a bunch of casting-couch pretties pretending to be tough guys and gals. It’s like watching a church youth group perform scenes from “Pulp Fiction.” Funny, pathetic and surreal all at once.

The picture is directed by Gregory Dark, director of “Sex Freaks,” “The Devil in Miss Jones 5” and “Between the Cheeks 1-3.” That Vince McMahon really knows where to look for new talent, doesn’t he? Dan Madigan, for some bizarre reason, is willing to accept credit as the writer, but all he’s done is plunder his DVD collection for sleazy ideas from third-tier 1970s slasher flicks.

The movie does contain two bits that may become cult moments in the catalog of so-bad-it’s-funny cinema, including one in which a killer dog urinates in a dead guy’s empty eye socket. Oops, sorry. I just gave away the best scene.

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