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Overall Rating

Awesome: 0.63%
Worth A Look: 5.06%
Average: 5.7%
Pretty Bad: 10.13%
Total Crap78.48%

10 reviews, 98 user ratings

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Avengers, The (1998)
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by Chris Parry

"'I'm leaving this movie' 'Not before tea' 'Fuck tea, this stinks'"
1 stars

What a hokey piece of crap this film is. You'd kind of expect as much seeing as the original 60's TV series was like Austin Powers on way too much dope. It was smarmy, it was stupid, it was even sexist, but it was camp so it was kind of fun. The Avengers (WB style) has all of those factors, bar one. It is not in any way camp. And without the camp you only have smarmy, sexist and stupid.

Eternal cardboard stand-up, Ralph Fiennes, plays agent John Steed, an upper crust type equipped with a steel bowler hat, an umbrealla (Oooh.. Dangerous) and the ability to quaff much tea. He plays the role made famous by Patrick MacKnee, who makes a cameo as an invisible agent. Fiennes is a fine actor when the role requires a bland, almost crying, personality-less individual, but MacKnee was the smarmiest motherfucker alive. Fiennes is *WOEFUL* in thie role.

Every joke is delivered not deadpan, but more bedpan. He seems like if you poked him in the eye he'd just blink and keep staring at you.

But Fiennes looks like Jim Carrey next to the abominable, half asleep, tawdry, bubble nosed, Uma "Mrs Hawke" Thurman. Honest to goodness, whatever Uma was paid to wander through this film is about 200% too much. She should be sent a bill for her part in making this movie insanely sleep-inducing. Utterly devoid of personality, utterly devoid of talent, Uma's star has fallen. Those for who getting a glimpse of Uma in a leather catsuit is enough reason to see this film might want to check out Batman And Robin instead. She looked better there and at least tried. Or better still, take a picture of the poster. It'll last longer and is cheaper than paying seven bucks and two hours of your life.

But, oh, there's another person who's part in this disgrace that can must be identified as the primary source of wankiness therein.

Jeremiah Chechick.

You remember that hack, don't you? You would if you had to sit through Diabolique, the last thing he directed. Why the dunderheads at the WB felt the urge to place such a gormless fool in the role of big budget blockbuster director is beyond me. The whole piece is SO badly put together that you start to lose track not only of what's what, or who's who, but why the heck you're wasting precious hours of your existence watching this utter drivel.

So let's get to the pretension of story. Sir Auguste De Wynter is a mad old former Government scientist who, kicked out after being a tad too eccentric with experiments in weather control and two headed lambs, has decided to hijack the world's weather and hold the planet to ransom. How he achieves this is never explained in any way more detailed than "It's all ions and protons! Ions and protons, I tell you!" - oh, okay.

Researched well, was it Mr Scriptwriter?

Steed is hooked up with Dr Emma Peel (Uma) who's only reason to be involved in any way shape or form in the investigation is that she's the chief suspect. That's great. Let your suspect solve the crime. What the hell were the writers thinking?!

So usually with big budget failures like these, special effects will save the day. Not here, good folks. The effects in this crap are something akin to the worst animatronic lion in Jumanji. It is AWFUL. There isn't a decent effect in this movie that couldn't have been created using a copy of "Paint" and a 286 with 512kb of memory.

One last point of note, why is it that WB superhero/TV adaption flicks never use extras? How is it that when tornadoes and storms threaten to destroy London that there's not a single person in the streets to run away and look scared? Batman And Robin had the same deal - big city, lots of disaster, no people.

The script right here tries very hard to be classy, sarcastic, smarmy and British, but it comes across (with the awful comedic timing of the leads) as extremely labored. The jokes are awful. The innuendo is nearly unidentifiable. The conversation sounds nothing like any I've heard before. And every failed joke is followed by the line "tea?", like some kind of pompous British "ba dump bump". The first few didn't make me laugh. The last nine tea references made me squirm. the 'tea faucet' on the dashboard of Ralph's car gave me the kind of repulsive heeby jeeby's I haven't had since Bat-Clooney showed off his Bat-Visa Card and said he "never leaves the cave without it".

NOTE TO WB FLUNKYS: If you're going to spend tens of milliions on a movie, try spending half a million on a story and another half mill on script development and DON'T greenlight it until it's worth seeing, let alone making. Then you might want to hire an extras agency, perhaps some co-stars that don't resemble sub characters in bad Scottish soap operas and , oh yeah, you might want to try getting an original idea for a change. Just one will do. Prove it's possible.

NOTE TO PUNTERS: You don't want to see this movie. It's not even one of those Speed 2 type disasters that are worth seeing just to laugh at when a joke falls flat or when a special effect.looks pathetic or when the story becomes a runaway train of stupidity and disbelief. This is just a very very very bad movie with no redeeming qualities and the worst thing is the WARNER BROTHERS KNEW THIS MOVIE WAS A DISGRACE BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T ALLOW MEDIA PREVIEWS!!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a clear indication of motives. Warner Brothers Films would like to stop you, the consumer, knowing that their movies stink to high hell, before you have forked out seven of your best. They are ripping you off. They are ripping me off. The lesson here is NEVER see a movie when the studio refuse to allow it to be reviewed. And if you can help it, never see a WB movie under any circumstances. Cunts..

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originally posted: 11/12/98 22:29:34
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User Comments

4/26/16 Ken Steaming pile of smelly dog shit! 1 stars
2/21/14 Justin R. Stupid, stupid film!!! 1 stars
1/23/13 dr.lao Good only for playing MST3K, the Home Game 1 stars
7/21/12 Sean Harrison It's a shame that Sean Connery's name was attached to this. 2 stars
10/06/11 torturedsoul What a sad world where huge sums of money are spent on such rubbish 1 stars
7/13/09 danny boy Sean Connery in a bear suit. 1 stars
11/13/08 The Dork Knight gaaaaahhh! absolute crap!! 1 stars
8/28/08 Shaun Wallner This one was kinda boring. 1 stars
8/13/08 Brenda could not finish it . was horrible dull! 1 stars
7/26/08 The Dork Knight Avoid. 1 stars
7/06/08 dan halberg The teddy bear scene was funny. Otherwise crap 1 stars
10/29/07 J. Shaw You have to take it for what it is - junk food. If you look at it that way, it's kinda fun! 4 stars
4/10/07 JM Synth Fantastic set design, occassional spark of imagination, but a poor film overall 2 stars
4/15/06 mr.mike didn't think it was that bad 4 stars
11/23/05 Narcs This movie was waste of my money.. what a waste of time and taste. 1 stars
9/08/05 paki_munda how awful was this 1 stars
8/13/05 ES Mr. Connery you've been so graious by selling out in the past, please once more= ok 1 stars
6/21/05 Roland Berry Don't watch this film if you are a fan of the TV series. 1 stars
3/22/05 craig varney total crap doesn't even compare to the tv show 1 stars
11/18/04 Jews for Hitler Jesus wept.... 1 stars
10/20/04 C.J. Hey! How come I always have to defend this movie? 4 stars
9/19/04 CharWar Parts of it were fun - costumes interesting - hated the bears 4 stars
6/12/04 DJ ERIC 88 i actually enjoyed this movie and was suprised people hated it! 4 stars
6/11/04 John horrendous - totally inept and terrible casting except for Connery 1 stars
4/18/04 Pete Holy 1 stars
4/06/04 Mr X This movie thinks there is a Hollywood conspiracy to purposely dumb down America 1 stars
3/25/04 Whatevr Its a good thing they don't test this movie on animals 1 stars
2/26/04 DM What the fuck happened? 1 stars
8/17/03 Lord Chu It physically hurt me. I am legally within my rights to sue the filmmakers for assault. 1 stars
6/04/03 Charles Tatum Bad in so many ways 1 stars
4/15/03 Jack Bourbon Mind-bogglingly bad. Dull, boring, blank, incoherent. Blah. Ick. Duh. 1 stars
2/11/03 Ubu the Ripper After starring in this yawnfest Thurman and Feines should take a cut in pay. 1 stars
1/11/03 Paul Coleman Hideous, embarrassing GARBAGE. Catherine Zeta Jones would have made a better Mrs. Peel. 1 stars
12/28/02 Colin Selby what a hopeless mess 1 stars
12/09/02 gromm I couldn't watch more than 5 minutes of this movie. And the accents are fake. 1 stars
10/14/02 KMG it was difficult to understand what the fuck this movie was about 1 stars
9/05/02 Chancey Thunderpants Oh my... this was terrible. Disastrous attempt at filmmaking, acting, everything. 1 stars
6/18/02 Bart I sooo wanted this to work. Disappointing. 2 stars
6/03/02 Dark Barøn Yeah. 1 stars
3/02/02 Alan Smithee You know you're in trouble when Uma in a leather body suit can't make you watch a movie! 1 stars
8/12/01 Catherine I know movies can suck but... 1 stars
7/15/01 officer 412/l they spend months hyping this film trying to make us believe it was unmissable. was it fuck 1 stars
6/08/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) I almost cried. Swear to God. 1 stars
5/30/01 Thrillhouse Don't waste your money on this movie. Oh, and the movie is laughably stupid. 1 stars
5/26/01 Connoisseur this was the worst movie i've ever seen dudes 1 stars
4/25/01 Spetters Connery, thurman and fiennes make bloody fools of themselves! FUCKING PAINFUL!!!!! 1 stars
4/16/01 Rampage Bums in teddy bear suits!? What the hell?! This movie is un-friggin'-believable! 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Uma is awful. Come back Diana!!! 1 stars
2/20/01 T. Sharif The Avengers will help you get your zzzzz....... 1 stars
2/06/01 Mister Char i hope uma thurman dies of a slow cancer. 1 stars
1/13/01 Avenger Girl What a miscarriage of justice to a great legendary TV show 2 stars
12/08/00 Cristopher Revilla Someone should grab that teddybear suit and shove it up the diretors ass, or Uma's!!! 1 stars
10/06/00 Ralph Fiennes Alright alright I'm sorry! I only did it to perve at Uma in leather 1 stars
9/12/00 Ground Zero There are movies that suck so bad, but this movie is one of 'em 1 stars
9/08/00 Stuntman stupid, sloppy and really, really pathetic acting 1 stars
7/29/00 Jinx Worst film I've seen in the last 10 years. Moronic. Unclever. Disjointed. BAD ACTING. 1 stars
7/23/00 Digitalus Swarms of bugs, teddy bears... oh God. Come up with cheap 1-liners and a really bad cast 1 stars
7/09/00 Andrew Freeman Uma is hot...but those Teddies pushed me over the edge (masturbating) 2 stars
6/27/00 Ulatekk Guys in Teddy Bear suits? What the fuck??? I walked out after 15 min. 1 stars
5/31/00 danilo there are movies that are so bad they're good. But this movie is so bad it's just bad 1 stars
4/27/00 Pansy Vile and stupid movie. God it sucked! 1 stars
3/10/00 David Rogers What? Where? When? Why? How? Some of the many questions you'll think during this film. 1 stars
3/08/00 Richard Wright A complete mess. One liners aren't funny,actors are poorly cast and film is boring to boot. 1 stars
3/01/00 Ionicera The only thing saving this movie from absolute zero it deserves is the Fiennes sauna scene. 2 stars
11/04/99 Karahde Khan Release the series on video now, and burn until the last copy of this horrid travesty. 1 stars
10/03/99 Joe Schmoe Like ChefMichelle said, pure crap 1 stars
9/20/99 Admiral Crunch rude/Charney, your comments confirm you're a dimwit, Uma and Feines needs to do some Pepsi 1 stars
5/10/99 Ah Dooey Can I give it 0 stars? F**king shit. 1 stars
4/16/99 Mr. Kramitall Umm, Lulu, your biological clock is showing. Oh, and the movie goddam sucks! 1 stars
4/02/99 The Incredible Sulk Righto with the review, Oz. Sexist, offensive, vile, stupid and pathetic. 0 stars. 1 stars
3/27/99 Technorama Was there a great movie? All I saw was a bunch of stupid "jokes" and FX. It just sucked. 1 stars
3/18/99 Madcap "How real do you feel Mrs. Peel?" "Why, rather plastic, thanks for asking" 2 stars
3/14/99 Viral Messiah Hollywood should be sued for this putrid piece of crap. 1 stars
3/12/99 Lulu I loved it. It was different from most. Dissapointing to the series however 5 stars
1/24/99 donkey_dew Not bad, not too bad at all. 4 stars
1/08/99 Jo Mama my girlfriend wanted to see this shit...we broke up shortly after 1 stars
12/10/98 Skip Danner One of the worst films of all time. My god; who was in charge here? 1 stars
11/24/98 Mr.Pink Worst movie of 1998, it was even worse than Batman & Robin 1 stars
10/29/98 Bad Kosh Thiis movie drove me nuts. I died laughing at that crock of crap. 1 stars
10/19/98 Dark Horizons I was incredibly disappointed by this movie. 2 stars
10/18/98 Kwyjibo God awful. Ralph Fiennes can't do camp. Nor can Uma. Or Sean. 1 stars
10/17/98 Finley Pure crap. 1 stars
10/07/98 Korny Island See "shitty" in the dictionary. Why go camp with the straightest actor ever? 1 stars
10/02/98 Specter Funny satire on the whole; Uma looks great in tight leather. 3 stars
9/29/98 Marty in St.Louis The villian wants to control the weather? Is this Connery or "the Brain"? 1 stars
9/23/98 CHRIS "Motherfukin" Paulychronopolus This movie couldnt blow me! 1 stars
9/21/98 AL I thought this movie was really good, and funny! 4 stars
9/21/98 Allen Galland Boring 2 stars
9/17/98 Joe Mama This movie was a piece of shit. 1 stars
9/15/98 Mark Nelson Fair 3 stars
9/14/98 Acappellanowords Godawful!! Gave me bad "Hudson Hawk" flashbacks! 1 stars
9/11/98 Mike It was funny as hell. Don't go with too high expectations. But, coulda been worse. 4 stars
9/06/98 Kid Pee-Pee It's official. I hate Uma and Ralph can't act. 1 stars
9/05/98 Mike Lancaster Sean Connery will be wearing a Barney suit next! Is $$ worth this kind of embarrassment? 1 stars
8/28/98 The 13 Inch Grey Penis. Seriously, if Sean Connery is still the sexiest man in the world after this, I'll convulse. 1 stars
8/22/98 Mister Whoopee Not even Uma in leather can make this shit float. 2 stars
8/17/98 Ryan_A One of the worst movies I've seen this year. 1 stars
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  14-Aug-1998 (PG)
  DVD: 03-Feb-2004


  05-Nov-1998 (PG)

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