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Overall Rating

Awesome: 3.45%
Worth A Look: 24.14%
Pretty Bad: 24.14%
Total Crap: 6.9%

4 reviews, 5 user ratings

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DOA: Dead or Alive
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by William Goss

"Oh, Yes, It's Ladies' Fight"
3 stars

Not five minutes into 'DOA: Dead or Alive' does one Jaime Pressly emerge from the water in an all-American bikini and dons a pair of cut-off denim shorts. Whilst accompanied by the first of several blaring hillbilly rock tracks, she then swiftly dispatches a band of amateur pirates aboard her yacht. It’s from this moment on that this video game adaptation makes perfectly clear its intentions to be the most compulsively watchable and gloriously polished turd this side of 'Ultraviolet.'

The, ahem, “plot” is something like Enter the Dragon by way of Charlie’s Angels: five female fighters – pro wrestler Tina (Pressly), assassin/thief Christie (Holly Valance), princess Kasumi (Devon Aoki), bodyguard Ayane (Natassia Malthe), and rookie Helena (Sarah Carter) – find themselves lured to a Pacific island to compete in an ultimate martial arts tournament, hosted by Dr. Victor Donovan (Eric Roberts plus hairpiece), for a multimillion dollar prize.

Shot by director/action choreographer Corey Yuen (The Transporter) with the exquisite tact usually reserved for lingerie commercials, it’s every bit as hyper-disposable as it sounds: bloodless fighting and plenty of it, topped with the occasional innuendo and a gratuitous volleyball scene or two (a nod to the games, yes, but no less gratuitous). Pressly drawls her way from scene to scene, Aoki sounds like a particularly lethargic Drew Barrymore, and everyone else either pouts or poses between punches, giggles, and jiggles.

There’s a subplot involving a smitten computer technician (Steve Howey), and sure enough, our femmes end up snooping around until they uncover one of those pesky evil plots, a scheme that manages to be stupendously stupid, even by the first hour’s standards. However, when it comes to the flying fists and swinging swords, there isn’t a wall that is structurally sound, no piece of furniture beyond collapse. Despite the logo being flaunted on everything, from ‘invitations’ to parachutes to moronic transitions (just in case the target demographic already forgot what movie they were watching), opponents only need to be knocked out, not killed per the titular claim. Now where's the fun in that?

Oh, it’s all so very, very silly and equally shameless, and while no one really acts, they also don’t act like anyone is going to mistake it for shinola any time soon. To say that this brisk helping of Maxim-minded butt-kicking makes for a mindless diversion may be giving it too much credit, but for the OMG-LOL crowd, 'DOA' should be A-OK.

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originally posted: 06/22/07 02:19:02
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User Comments

9/11/07 Grayfoxx id give a 5 if they all showed their tits. 4 stars
7/17/07 Alexander Should have been more exploitive, adult fun. You know, gore and titties and stuff. 1 stars
6/25/07 Blood Red Roy If you have male hormones you will love this cheezy goodness 5 stars
6/17/07 Blizz Yeah, pretty awful... 2 stars
6/15/07 DonnyM This Guy Gave it 4 Stars? Shouldnt review for this site... 1 stars
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  15-Jun-2007 (PG-13)



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