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Overall Rating

Awesome: 7.32%
Worth A Look: 9.76%
Average: 4.88%
Pretty Bad: 2.44%
Total Crap75.61%

4 reviews, 17 user ratings

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Black Christmas (2006)
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by William Goss

"Death Takes A Holiday"
1 stars

In a year when genuinely worthwhile horror titles can be counted on one hand, while serious stinkers manage to occupy every other appendage by contrast, it should come as no surprise that the last genre offering of the year is a tremendously inane and completely frightless remake of 1974�s still-solid slasher, 'Black Christmas.'

All too adjusted to the simple murder-death-kill-repeat demands of the Final Destination franchise, writer/director Glen Morgan doesn�t know how to balance exposition with execution, resulting in a clumsy flashback-heavy narrative that reveals the token menacing matriarch responsible for the behavior of butchering Billy (Robert Mann). Consequently, after Billy liberates himself from Clark (wink) Sanitarium with the help of an particularly obtuse security guard and returns to his former childhood home, any and all suspense escapes with him as he sets up base in the attic and proceeds to pick off the interchangeable sorority sisters that currently reside there.

Courtesy of convenient crawlspaces stemming from said attic into just about every room that are always large enough for an adult, Billy engages in the mundane M.O. of smothering a chick with a plastic bag and then stabbing them repeatedly with the nearest sharp object, whether it be a sharp ornament or a fountain pen. (Only with the dispatch of Ice Princess star Michelle Trachtenberg do we get the minor irony of death by ice skate, just one instance of patchy humor that threatens to manifest itself as a cohesive tone, but never does.)

Without a worthy heroine emerging from the thinning herd, all that remains are dense, foul-mouthed, never-nude victims, waiting to be picked off between exhausted red herrings and lewd prank calls on an obscenely loud phone (we�re talking some seriously unreasonable decibels here, much more grating than tense). Some characters appear as swiftly as others exit, while those yet to be killed are left to be differentiated by haircut and one character�s erratic Southern drawl. Morgan�s inept direction leans towards the over-the-top nature of the Final Destination films, but instead succumbs to a more garish tone that doesn�t prove nearly as effective, especially in a tacked-on climax that could be most kindly labeled as parody.

It isn�t bad enough that the material is insultingly stale, the direction unforgivably weak, and the casting regrettably lackluster (three are FD vets, while the dorm mom hails from the original), but the proceedings reek of the rumored reshoots and retooling to be expected with the post-production of most every Dimension release. Adding insult to injury is the absence of at least half of the death scenes eagerly flaunted in trailers and TV spots, a trend not uncommon but never so misleading as it is here.

With an overexposed, less-than-intimidating villain and no discernable talent on either side of the camera, the result is a monotonous massacre that manages to be even more tedious and unnecessary on its own terms than as a remake.

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originally posted: 12/30/06 23:04:10
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Horror Remakes: For more in the Horror Remakes series, click here.

User Comments

2/21/17 morris campbell trashy crap 2 a crappy original 1 stars
12/24/11 debbie hodgdon humorous and horrifying in a completely unique way 4 stars
8/10/10 Chad Dillon CooperU I farted ! 1 stars
4/29/08 art a black christmas what's next black new years day 4 stars
2/10/08 mr.mike Why so many haters? It's good..damn good. 4 stars
12/01/07 art this is an EXTRAORDINAIRY slasher film BRAVO 5 stars
9/25/07 jazz Absolute garbage from beginning to end. Pure shit. 1 stars
6/23/07 Phiuk Yiu Best horror film of the year my ass!! What the fuck was that dude smoking!? 1 stars
5/15/07 David Pollastrini lots of hot women in this! 3 stars
5/12/07 Matt Better than the original 5 stars
4/29/07 Charles Tatum Surprisingly tedious despite good direction 2 stars
4/26/07 Phiuk Yiu This gives a new meaning to the word BULLSHIT 1 stars
3/02/07 What's WRONG with Hollywood?Phew! Didn't Lacey Chabert show enough talent in MEAN GIRLS to get better roles than this by now? 1 stars
12/30/06 Aaron A bad film, but definately so-bad-it's-good. 3 stars
12/27/06 Producers/directors Morgan & Wong Suck Someone should kill these two; it wouldn't be murder, just a really late abortion 1 stars
12/27/06 Billy Finally a good turd, the fun kind like hollywood used to make back in the day. Fun fun fun! 5 stars
12/26/06 steve owen i giggled with every beheading 4 stars
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  25-Dec-2006 (R)
  DVD: 03-Apr-2007



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