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Overall Rating

Awesome: 4.76%
Worth A Look: 4.76%
Average: 4.76%
Pretty Bad: 0%
Total Crap85.71%

2 reviews, 9 user ratings

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China O'Brien
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by Chris Parry

"Holy shit on whitebread, was this as awful idea or what?"
1 stars

Hilarious. Just totally stupidly hilarious. Golden Harvest has made some (almost all) of the best martial arts movies of all time. Some absolutely stellar titles have passed through their halls. But they back up those efforts with some of the crappiest "white guy" martial arts films you're ever likely to see. China O'Brien is what you might call a "white girl" film.

Cynthia Rothrock, martial arts chick-champ and bleached blonde hot-bod, is China O'Brien, an LAPD martial arts instructor who resigns from the police after killing a kid. She goes home to Buttfuck USA, where her daddy is the local law struggling to put some bad guys to justice. When daddy O'Brien is blown up by a car-bomb, China decides to run for sheriff with the help of her girlhood boyfriend, (Richard "tight jeans, bad beard and lips like Fat Albert" Norton) and a strange teenage on a motorbike who appears when she's in trouble.

The perv factor is non-existent. China doesn't get her shirt off (though she does in a certain Corey Haim film trailered before this video) and Norton has to be the dumbest looking action hero around. He's got (to quote Rowdy Rodyy Piper) lips like petals. Bicycle pedals. Keith Cooke, the weird biker dude trumpeted as the next big thing (I guess that never came to fruition as I've never seen him since) wanders around in leather jacket, headband and with a huge gaffer-tape ball where his left hand should be.

The fight sequences are awful. China jumps around in her pinktrack pants and kicks hell out of fat trailer trash guys who fly backwards every time she flicks out a kick. Norton is crap (and spends 90% of the time forgetting to cover his Australian accent) and Cooke does everything in slow motion.

The writing... hahaha. This film was made for a non English speaking audience, so you do the math, Chester. Let's move on.

In short, this film is an utter mess.

But as something to rent with some drunken buddies and stick in the VCR in between tokes while waiting for the pizza to arrive, it'll get you through.

Alternately, you could bust out for "Fist Of Legend" and watch Jet Li beat holy fuck out of an array of stunt men in a realistic fashion. That'd be my preference.

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originally posted: 01/27/99 11:15:47
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User Comments

3/19/11 Moose Rapper Nowhere near 'Enter The Dragon,' but the fights are decent 3 stars
7/10/09 Simon Cutmore CHINESE FILMS? I think you should be more specific, it's HONG KONG films, not CHINESE. 1 stars
6/28/09 Sugarfoot Awful crap. Stick with Van Damme or the Chinese kung fu movies. 1 stars
2/26/06 y2mckay I smoked A LOT - didn't help. Rothrock is a man in drag, baybee. Worst fights ever. 1 stars
2/08/06 tatum Rothrock rules!!! 5 stars
9/17/02 Zefram Mann Could've really used some nudity. 1 stars
6/06/02 Melissa in NYC Smoke.....A LOT before watching this shit. 1 stars
12/31/01 Andrew Carden It's Good To See A Girl Put Into Such A Demanding and Man-Made Part. 4 stars
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  02-Feb-1990 (R)
  DVD: 15-Dec-1998


  02-Feb-1990 (M)

Directed by
  Robert Clouse

Written by
  Sandra Weintraub

  Cynthia Rothrock
  Richard Norton
  Keith Cooke
  Doug Wright
  David Blackwell

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