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Oh, don’t worry, those creatures do make their due appearances in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, the long-awaited-but-barely-anticipated continuation of the cheesy adventure series. Transplanting the action from the Middle East to the Far East, Rick O’Connell (Brendan Fraser, shouting through the motions), his wife Evelyn (Maria Bello, because Rachel Weisz knew better), and their son Alex (Luke Ford, assisted by some fuzzy math and a shifty accent) combat the resurrected Emperor Han (Jet Li) and his terra cotta army.

Gone is the giddy throwback nature of the first film, replaced by innuendos abound, yak vomit, one numbingly chaotic car chase, and enough warring skeletons to make one hope that Ray Harryhausen isn’t rolling in his grave (wait a second… really?!). I mean, why bother hiring the retired-and-then-some Li if he is to be too often replaced with his computer-generated likeness before a hurried climactic tussle between the likes of him and an ancient witch played by Michelle Yeoh? Remember when that combat used to be in and of itself cause for entertainment?

Alas, it’s the nature of any amount of Hollywood bull once it meets the proverbial China: all that remains in its wake is a lighter wallet and a hefty amount of embarrassment. Sure, let’s have Emperor Han control all the elements (save for facial hair), why not. Better yet, he can transform into various creatures at will, such as the dragon mentioned above or a furry, horned whatsit that may or may not have been lifted from a test screening of Where the Wild Things Are.

We’re even treated to the sight one abominable snowman turning to another after punting a puny foe and making a touchdown gesture (yeah, no, not making that part up). It’s a cheap joke, and all the more, it was apparently cheap enough that director Rob Cohen among other privy minds had no problem coming up with that shot, writing it, animating it, and including it without a single individual stepping in and pointing out just how moronic a gag it is. Didn’t Edmund Burke once say that all that was necessary for the triumph of suits was for good men to do nothing?

In the greater scheme of things, Cohen gave some zip to the zooming cars of The Fast and the Furious, before that Universal franchise itself grew dominated by effects above excitement, but what’s more disconcerting is that even portions of his Stealth, in an equal flurry of decibels and pixels, unfolded with more coherence that the car chase and fight scenes offered here. Sure, practical effects for the undead are tough to come by, but if we’re to be subjected to digital wizardry, don’t show us just anything we haven’t seen before (see: Yeti). Without context or characters worth giving a damn about, the flashiest flair falls flat time and time again.

And so the farce continues, of this film and of the studio system at large, proving after a summer of less-than-insulting fare that it can be just as loud and dumb as ever before. Apparently, the return of the first film’s modest B-movie pleasures is too much – or maybe too little – to ask for, and thusly, back are the arbitrary plot deadlines and so-called spectacle that made the second film such a chore to sit through. If that’s going to be the case, then the Mummy franchise is one probably best left buried for, say, the remainder of eternity and the good of all mankind.

Unless we’re talking about a yeti spin-off, of course.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=17023&reviewer=409
originally posted: 08/01/08 17:00:00
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