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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.68%
Worth A Look: 5.04%
Average: 17.65%
Pretty Bad: 17.65%
Total Crap57.98%

10 reviews, 59 user ratings

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Astronaut's Wife, The
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by Chris Parry

"If this film was any dumber, it'd have a plate in its head. And CarrotTop."
1 stars

I must admit, when it was released to almost universal slammage, I looked at The Astronaut's Wife's trailer and thought, "Oh, lighten up, people. It's Depp. It's Theron. How bad could it really be?" Well, last night my question was finally answered, and let me tell you folks, it took me half an hour to remember my middle name afterwards. The Astronaut's Wife will leave you dumber than a flipper kid. President Bush take note, as a matter of nation security, don't watch this film. We can't afford for you to lose both your remaining IQ points.

Rand Ravich can join Chuck Pfarrer (Virus, Barb Wire) in Screenwriter Hell, because this script is perhaps the stinkiest I've seen this year. And I watch Ice Cube movies.

Was it a bet? Perhaps a dare? A momentary brain explosion? Drugs? Why on Earth would Johnny Depp leave the side of Vanessa Paradis, crawl out of the Chateau Depp for a few months and make this abhorrent piece of drek? What could he possibly have been thinking when he signed on to this project? That it would be artistic? That it would have subtle undercurrents of intrique and intellect? Whatever the reason, Depp needs a talking to for this awful lapse of judgement, and perhaps even a minor beating with a sock full of quarters.

So Johnny is an astronaut on the space shuttle and Charlize is his oh-so lovin' wife. For some reason she wears a yellow Lego headpiece through the entire film. It doesn't make her look hot.

So Johnny comes home after being out of radio contact for two minutes and he doesn't want to talk about what happened. Apparently there was an explosion. What? An explosion on he space shuttle? Sounds like grounds for a congressional investigation. But not in The Astronaut's Wife.

What reality might sound like:-
NASA: So what happened?
Depp: I don't want to talk about it.
NASA: Well, we'll stay here until you do.
Depp: There was an explosion. That's all.
NASA: What exploded?
Depp: Something.
NASA: Okay, you know what? (repeated punches to face)
Depp: Okay already, aliens took over our bodies and want us to impregnate earth girls.
NASA: Thank you. (bullet to head)

What The Astronaut's Wife sounds like:-
NASA: So what happened?
Depp: I don't want to talk about it.
NASA: Oh, go on. Be a guy.
Depp: Well... something blew up. But I'm not saying anything else. They're throwing a party for us and I want to mack on my wife's sister and watch my partner's face explode.
NASA: Okay, love to the missus.

Now I can handle a little suspension of disbelief, but to suggest that somethign could blow up on the shuttle and the people that were there would come home and just say "don't wanna talk about it" is the dumbest way out of a plot hole since Elijah Wood and his girlfriend outran the blast of an asteroid strike by running up a hill.

But that pales in comparison to the simplistic horseshit that Rand Ravich has put forward through the rest of the film. A stinky mix of script cliche and directorial over-reach, it's almost like Ravich has his old high school buddies sitting behind him during the production. "Hey Rand, shoot it like reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal close up, but have only half the guy's head in frame. That'll be all arty and stuff!" "Yeah, cool, thanks Earl, I'll do that."

In fact, this film is perhaps the worst example of overediting since Any Given Sunday. At least AGS had some crunching tunes to go with the edit-frenzy, but here it's just a case of Ravich trying to prove he can be an artist and leaving me screaming at the TV, "WILL YOU FUCKING PICK A SHOT AND STAY WITH IT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!"

Close up of Depp, long shot of Depp, close up of Depp's hand, long shot of a herd of buffalo, close up of mole on Theron's forearm, close up of craft sevices lady, three-shot of pigeons on a window ledge, long shot of Theron in deep thought. Print. Sicken audience.

This is one inteminably slow, unbelievably boring, inexcusably incompetent and pretentious piece of shite. A fantastic example of why first time writers should NEVER be allowed to play director with a budget. You give me the budget this idiot wasted on this steaming pile of cattle excrement and I'll make you six movies that have more reason to be in their opening credits that this film had in it's entirety. It's hopeless, it's hapless, it's annoying, it's anger-inducing. I laughed, I cried, I cried hysterically, I took some Paxil, I still cried. It's just that bad.

One scene worthy of special mention is (spoilers be damned) Theron's abortion scene. There she is, holding the evil tablets to her mouth, should she take them, sholdn't she take them, hand tremors, drop pills to the ground, pick pills up as daddy comes home. Can she take them? Oh, let's just have a close-up of the unborn alien-baby fetus' in her stomach to try to show why she's torn. Hmm. Aliens. TAKE THE FUCKING PILL! Oh well, too late, daddy is in the bathroom and beating her up for being bad. Now he's throwing her down the stairs for trying to kill the children. Think about that one. "I can't believe she tried to kill the unborn aliens! I know what I'll do, I'll throw her down a flight of stairs, that'll teach her!"

Note to Depp: Next time read the script before agreeing to appear in the film.

Note to Theron: Next time stick to working opposite monkeys. They make you look like you can act.

Note to Ravich: You have a great future in medical experimentation. Donate your head immediately.

Just shoot me in the face right now.

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originally posted: 02/28/01 04:30:42
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User Comments

9/12/17 morris campbell ok ending creepy tho 2 stars
3/05/11 Edge Zole Suspenseful and creepy, but without Johnny Depp and young Sprouses, it would be nothing. 3 stars
1/18/10 babette Theron dances barefoot ON TIPTOE...only in Hollowood. 1 stars
2/16/09 Samantha Pruitt at least Johnny was hot in it! 2 stars
7/28/08 The Dork Knight Depp is definitely slumming it 1 stars
1/09/08 Billy Banana It passes a few hours comfortably, but I probably won't watch it again. 3 stars
1/05/08 Pamela White suspenseful and interesting 4 stars
10/24/07 Ivana Mann The modern-day "Plan 9 from Outer Space"...but less funny.Much less. 1 stars
10/03/06 Kris Mleczko Utterly boring and pointless. It stole thirty minutes of my life. 1 stars
5/26/06 Michele johnny is always entertaining 4 stars
5/07/06 dionwr Haven't seen it 3 stars
5/05/06 Uri Lessing Didn't see 3 stars
5/02/06 PaulBryant haven't caught it yet 3 stars
5/02/06 Ryan_A Rand Ravich? (haven't seen it) 3 stars
5/02/06 EricDSnider It's been a while, but I think I liked this movie 4 stars
5/02/06 David Cornelius ----- 3 stars
5/02/06 William Goss A loathesome flick. 1 stars
5/02/06 HBS-SH I'm all outta bubble gum! 1 stars
4/13/06 anthonyuk utter predictable garbage 1 stars
2/14/06 Anthony Feor A waste of space 1 stars
12/19/05 Bree I think I only love this film cuz of Depp and Theron. In the vein of Rosemary's Baby. 5 stars
8/18/05 ES hey its that blonde chick from that movie! 1 stars
4/27/04 blazin beauty bad but johnny's took care of it! 4 stars
4/20/04 X just terrible 1 stars
3/10/04 Ash Powerful, outstanding, suspenseful and riveting! 5 stars
2/09/04 Whatevr Not even the MST3000 crew would watch this. 1 stars
1/22/04 American Slasher Goddess Godawful crap. 1 stars
7/28/03 Nicole Without a doubt, the worst movie Johnny Depp has ever made! 2 stars
6/08/03 Pepper Jones Charlize Theron could be a block of concrete for all I know 3 stars
5/12/03 Jack Bourbon Like the 1st draft of a project that was scrapped due to the poorness of the 1st draft. 1 stars
1/01/03 Jack Sommersby Makes "Species 2" look like "Alien". 1 stars
10/16/02 Charles Tatum Ground control to major bomb 2 stars
8/14/02 Michael Carruthers Totally unclimactic, but suspenseful and entertaining enough for me most of the time. 3 stars
7/27/02 I Can't Swim Nice to see Samantha Eggar, aside from that this eats dogshit 1 stars
6/25/02 in space, no one can hear you scream Depp fucks like a jackrabbit on angel dust and, well, blah.Go see Rosemary's Baby instead. 2 stars
5/27/02 Nicole Awful movie.....ends up like some cheesy horror flick. 2 stars
3/10/02 Pepper Jones Charlize Theron could be a block of concrete for all I know 3 stars
2/17/02 Mark Lloyd Three words: Glacial Ambiguous (or perhaps Anemic?) Plot. 1 stars
1/31/02 Joy St. John Burns I liked it.The movie had alot of really good angles, but the ending could of been better. 4 stars
1/13/02 Andrew Carden Not Too Bad Actually. It Had A Fairly Nice Premise. 3 stars
6/27/01 This movie sucks don't waste your money It thoroughly insulted my intelligence, and I'm a hick from Kansas 1 stars
6/13/01 blap The script is terrible, predictable and the movie goes downhill from there 1 stars
6/12/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) The best thing about this movie was the popcorn fight my friends started in the theater. 1 stars
6/03/01 Thrillhouse vapid, schlocky, worse than Supernova. I feel sorry for Depp in a bad movie like this. 1 stars
4/20/01 Melissa Ramos Bad, bad, bad movie - into the bowels of hell you go. 1 stars
2/22/01 trashstar i really enjoyed the start. The ending was incredibly cliched and predictable. No depth. 3 stars
8/17/00 Elvisfan Started off too slow,then the delivery was stupid. Rare career mistake for Depp. 2 stars
7/24/00 Tyler Peterson If you have this movie throw it in a fire as quickly as you can. 1 stars
2/29/00 fire-n-ice slow boring could have been better!!!!! 3 stars
2/27/00 Dana Scully *zzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Huh what? It's over? Great. 2 stars
11/11/99 bruno martin not so bad 3 stars
10/20/99 Lame-Oh haha, a crappy movie 1 stars
10/04/99 Suckit Hopeless. 1 stars
10/01/99 Nelle It wasn't a BAD movie, the ending screwed everything up. Johnny Depp makes up for a lot. 4 stars
9/20/99 Admiral Crunch Worse than Species and Virus. I've seen better on The X-Files. 1 stars
9/13/99 Mr Showbiz Houston, we have a problem. It's an utterly predictable rip-off. 1 stars
9/09/99 azzad could have been good, the ending was a letdown 3 stars
9/04/99 agustin rosemary's baby + species = a badly done movie 2 stars
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  27-Aug-1999 (R)



Directed by
  Rand Ravich

Written by
  Rand Ravich

  Johnny Depp
  Charlize Theron
  Joe Morton
  Tom Noonan
  Blair Brown
  Nick Cassavetes
  Clea DuVall

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