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When Myers and his collaborators decide to take a break from stale quips about penises, the limp story written by Myers and Graham Gordy concerns an Indian-trained, Los Angeles guru named Maurice Pitka (Myers) who runs a huge Ashram while selling dozens of books.

Pitka delivers copious PowerPoint presentations and trademarked acronyms about appealing to the opposite sex, even though he has been forced by his own cross-eyed guru (Sir Ben Kingsley) to wear a chastity belt.

When the Toronto Maple Leafs’ star scorer Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) loses his wife (Meagan Good) to a rival hockey player (Justin Timberlake), his once-steady hands shake every time he tries to score.

In desperation, the team’s owner (Jessica Alba) recruits Pitka to fix Roanoke’s love life. If Pitka succeeds at restoring Roanoake’s love life and game, the Guru will finally win approval from our culture’s ultimate authority, Oprah.

The tale is an excuse for Myers and the cast to recite a limited series of weak puns and stale wisecracks. Pitka informs a client that the only women he has had experience with are the three Annes: “Anne Visible, Anne Flatable and Anne Job.”

At times the dialogue sounds as if Myers and Gordy had sat in a bar transcribed every tired joke the patrons recited. What amuses the visitors to a neighborhood watering hole bores sober viewers.

Myers, Gordy and director Marco Schnabel constantly strain to reach the film’s 88-minute running time. There are not one, not two, but three musical numbers where Myers sings pop tunes with sitar accompaniment. This isn’t the only gag Myers repeats long after it has reached the point of diminishing returns.

Pitka and his followers greet each other with “Mariska Hargitay” repeatedly, even after the actress makes a cameo.

The bodily function and carnal humor that runs throughout “The Love Guru” would have fit comfortably in Myers’ earlier comedies if it were actually funny. Myers also includes the same self-referential gags that worked in the “Wayne’s World” films, but even these get old after the 16th time.

It’s bad enough that Myers has to torture viewers with his undercooked wit and his cheesy Indian accent, but he takes the rest of the cast down with him. The performances range from wooden (the strikingly vacant Alba) to downright bizarre. Kingsley’s mirthless hamming should earn him a Razzie, and dozens of name comics waste their time (and ours).

Seeing Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan trying to elicit some chuckles as bumbling sportscasters only reminds me of how much funnier they are on “The Colbert Report” and soft drink commercials, respectively.

A few of the gags actually reach their potential. The first fantasy where Myers and Alba frolic in a Bollywood setting (complete with Hindi lyrics and English subtitles) is pretty funny.

But if Myers owes so much to the philosophy and teaching of Depak Chopra (who appears in the flick), he might have wanted to do his mentor a favor and shelve the project the way he abandoned a movie based on his Dieter character from “Saturday Night Live.” It’s better to scuttle a project that doesn’t work than to drag it out into the public where others have to endure it.

Several devout Hindus have spoken out against “The Love Guru,” claiming it misrepresents and degrades their religion. While I can understand their concerns, I believe they can take comfort in the fact that the film will be ignored by billions.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=17262&reviewer=382
originally posted: 06/20/08 20:00:00
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