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Urban Legend

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 09/25/98 23:41:47

"Excuse me while I turn my head and cough."
1 stars (Total Crap)

If you find the thought of a dog being cooked in a microwave amusing, you may well be the one who'll like this movie. Chances are you have a scrap of braincell, and as such you should avoid this piece of crap like a nude Estelle Getty.

Scream was the shit. New, different, a great spoof, smart, funny, purposeful. Since then every second movie wants to be Scream. Draft in some TV pretty-gals and some stud-puppies with big chins and six -pack abs, and just make them run around screaming while some lunatic tries to hack them apart with a knife/hook/whatever.

Urban Legend is the worst example of a genre that started as a joke on another genre, and has become a joke in itself. I swear, we're about a half hour of celluloid away from apocalypse after this shit-bucket.

The basis is a mystery guy who offs the local campus folks using old urban legends, the old ones about the lunatic in the backseat, the guy who drank poprocks and soda and exploded, yada yada yada. A decent premise, completely botched. To recognise most of the urban legends used you'll have had to live in summer camp til the age of 24. It's the 25 year anniversary of another serial killer event which was covered up by hiding the student newspaper of the time. There's a cunning plan.

Now killer is back on the scene and he's a-huntin' him some wonderbra filler.

Simply put, this flick is just gore for gore's sake with bullet-like breasts in between the gore. There's little thought given to pacing, script, even plausibility. They're so desperate to keep every character in the frame of possibly being the killer, that you'd need a calclulator and a degree in advanced math to count all the characters wearing black jackets just like the "killer" wears. It becomes a drinking game. "Another black gortex parka! Chug!!"

Try this and you'll be loaded after ten minutes.

The setups for each scene are so transparent you find yourself laughing at the stupidity of it all. "I'm a gorgeous campus chick. I feel like a swim. I might go swim in the pool when nobody else is around... that will get my mind off the murders. Where's my bikini top?"

Okay, so there's something worth watching this movie for. A few things. You know them as Rebecca Gayheart, Alicia Witt, Tara Reid, Jared Leto, and whoever else is on the inside of this month's Seventeen Magazine. It's a spank flick with gore. A campus security guard named Reese fairly rules, can't recall her actual name, but there's nothing else here worth thinking about. They could have turned the sound down and we could have just watched the bouncing boobies get cut up.

The easy options the producers take are just too much, even for the most latent perv. I mean, why use Robert Englund in this film? It's such an easy fake. "Maybe if we use Freddy Kreuger as one of the professors, we can get away without character development! People will think he's the killer from the start!" Excuse me while I turn my head and cough.

Please will someone end this genre. Not tomorrow, not today, but yesterday. Remove this from my brain.

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