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Overall Rating

Awesome: 6.52%
Worth A Look: 28.26%
Average: 23.91%
Pretty Bad36.96%
Total Crap: 4.35%

4 reviews, 22 user ratings

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My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
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by David Cornelius

"A nasty, goofy treat for horror fans."
3 stars

I generally cringe at the idea of complementing a movie with “it works for what it is,” which is a pleasant way of saying “it sucks, but I wasn’t expecting much anyway, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain about low expectations.” And yet here is “My Bloody Valentine,” hiding behind the tiny ambitions of a crummy slasher flick, wanting to thrill without having to bother with pesky things like quality. It’s a lousy movie all around, but I had a great time watching it. It’s stupidly entertaining and entertainingly stupid. So there you go. It works for what it is.

Horror fans already know that “Valentine” is a remake of the 1981 film of the same name. That one, involving a killer dressed up as a gas-masked coal miner offing townsfolk around Valentine’s Day, was one of the more interesting thrillers to emerge in the post-“Halloween”/“Friday the 13th” slasher craze, if only by default. This new movie, penned by Todd Farmer (“Jason X”) and rookie Zane Smith and directed by Patrick Lussier (“Dracula 2000” and its terrible DTV sequels), retains several key elements from the original, most important of which is a sly sense of humor.

“Valentine” is, essentially, a great big wink of a throwback, celebrating the tacky showmanship of Reagan-era horror flicks. The only upgrade here is the effects work, always convincing in the blood-and-guts overkill (no pun intended). Everything else is totally, intentionally retro: the nudity is gratuitous, the “mystery” (as much as it is) is secondary to the thrills, and, unlike the grimy dourness of “torture porn,” the gross-out over-the-top violence is all in the name of sick, twisted fun.

The story kicks off with a bit of unexpected cleverness. (Make it last - it’s the only cleverness in the entire picture.) Playing on our expectations of horror movie clichés, the story tosses us a switcheroo, opening not at the start of a slasher tale, but the end of one, with a mineshaft full of gutted corpses and the killer dead at last.

We then jump ahead ten years, and the real start of the story: one of the survivors of the previous massacre has returned home, and wouldn’t ya know it, the killer - or someone imitating him - is back, with blood-soaked pickaxe in tow.

The actual drama of the picture is little more than lame filler, in which uncharismatic-but-at-least-they’re-attractive stars from the WB or the CW or whatever it’s called these days get tangled in love triangles and whatnot while trying to deduce the killer’s identity. The characters are dumber than a sock drawer, making the mystery painfully drawn out, but that’s OK, since the screenplay offers the absolute worst solution possible, a dim-witted chunk of “gotcha!” ridiculousness that’s not at all as brilliant as it thinks it is, so the longer the movie can delay the arrival of such an awful, movie-ruining reveal, the better.

Luckily, the movie often has other things on its mind. Namely, cheap thrills. The violence here is twnse and twisted in a way that will appeal greatly to regular readers of “Fangoria.” Lussier, a veteran horror movie editor (he’s cut, among others, “Scream” and “Halloween H20,” and he edited this one, too), has an cutter’s knack for pacing, and “Valentine” flies by with sharp rhythm, making all the jump-scares (and obligatory fake-outs) work superbly, especially if the row of screaming teen girls behind me are any indication. (They fell - loudly - for every “boo!” the movie tossed their way.) Lussier makes “Valentine” the cinematic equivalent of a carnival fun house ride.

Especially if you see it in 3D. Lussier throws everything right at you, employing all the old gimmicks; stuff points at, flies at, crashes into your face, and the effects crew is eager to use the upgraded 3D technology (the “Real-D” technology is a huge step up from even the best old school polarized glasses; the depth created here is breathtaking) to make the most out of every trick. Even if it’s all shallow nonsense, it’s a great big hoot - the sights of the pickaxe coming right at you may be as pointless as the paddleball sequence in “House of Wax,” but it serves the same purpose, to make the audience cheer with fun park delight.

So, as I said before, there you go. “Valentine” is a total mess, filled with stupid characters, boring young actors, and laughable dialogue, but it’s also a hell of a fun time. The people who want to see this sort of thing will get exactly what they want out of it, and the people who don’t want to see this sort of thing won’t bother anyway. It’s a lousy movie but a highly effective horror movie machine. It works for what it is.

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originally posted: 01/29/09 19:29:18
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User Comments

2/21/17 morris campbell a good slasher remake good 3d too 4 stars
8/16/11 chris Ok remake, but the original clearly has more going for it. 3 stars
11/05/10 Josie Cotton is a goddess Fun 3D slasher. One of the better remakes to come out recently 4 stars
5/19/10 art friday the 13th and halloween are cut from the same cloth!,the winner MY BLOODY VALENTINE! 4 stars
8/27/09 Laurey Martin I love Jensen Ackles, but this movie blows! The dialouge was ridiculous! 2 stars
8/27/09 starmage2 Plot not that great but great in the kills department. 4 stars
7/11/09 cody a ok remake, great in nudity and gore, acting was decent, but confusing plot and werid. 2 stars
5/24/09 action movie fan scare tactics that don,t scare-see4ms like a parody-stricly for gore hounds 2 stars
5/17/09 mr. mike DVD 3D was OK. but does not live up to its gore rep. 3 stars
2/16/09 Andrew I was surprised at how boring, mean, and mirthless this was and how much the 3-D sucked. 1 stars
2/15/09 Anthony Feor This film is on the borderline of mediocrity and somehow when it's bad it redeems itself. 3 stars
2/14/09 Breck Awesome. It's interesting and funny, full of gore, blood. It's PERFECT for teens n dates! 5 stars
2/06/09 Alejandro Sosa decent film with kills that were fun, kind of liked it. 3 stars
2/01/09 Ming same old slasher movie,however the naked lady running out of the motel was a nice touch 2 stars
1/31/09 ravenmad Sick, sick, sick, slasher to the MAX, bloody as hell. 3 stars
1/30/09 blarginbadigalnohif FUN FUN FUN CAMPY FUN AWESOME! 3D! 5 stars
1/21/09 Shannon It keeps you guessing until the end. Great suspense! 4 stars
1/21/09 ES 3D was cool for a bit, then annoying, the movie was ok, terrible twist @ the end thou 2 stars
1/20/09 Rob Great movie, could have used less plot, more slashiness 4 stars
1/18/09 Nick Ruled! Spectacular kills! 4 stars
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  16-Jan-2009 (R)
  DVD: 19-May-2009


  DVD: 19-May-2009

Directed by
  Patrick Lussier

Written by
  Zane Smith

  Jaime King
  Jensen Ackles

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