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Overall Rating

Awesome: 6.52%
Worth A Look: 28.26%
Average: 23.91%
Pretty Bad36.96%
Total Crap: 4.35%

4 reviews, 22 user ratings

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My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
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by Jay Seaver

"Critic-haters take note: I say this movie isn't dumb ENOUGH."
2 stars

I am not, in general, a big fan of the lowered-standard argument in judging movies; setting the bar low and then clearing it is not actually impressive, even in horror movies. I made an exception for "My Bloody Valentine", though - I was ready to judge it entirely based on how much fun it was to have bits of people flying off the screen at me. That still needs to be surrounded by basic competence, though, and sadly, "My Bloody Valentine" isn't even very good based upon those low expectations.

Ten years ago, we're told, a tunnel collapsed in the mining town of Harmony. Blame fell on Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles), the son of the mine's owner who forgot to bleed the pipes. There was only one survivor, Harry Warden (Richard John Walters), and he was found to have killed the other miners to save air. Coming out of his coma on Valentine's Day, Warden slaughtered a couple dozen before being shot by the sheriff.

Now, Tom (who has been out of town ever since) is back to finish the paperwork necessary to sell the mine. It's awkward for a number of reasons: The mine is the town's lifeblood, Tom's old girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King) is now married to the new sheriff, Axel (Kerr Smith) - though perhaps not happily, as Axel's girl on the side and Sarah's best friend Megan (Megan Boone) has just informed him that she is pregnant - and, of course, anniversaries of holiday killing sprees are the perfect excuse for a new killing spree, especially when no body was recovered and there's a group of survivors of the first spree - specifically, Tom, Sarah, Axel, and local tramp Irene (Betsy Rue) - who haven't been skewered by Warden's pickaxe.

Given the movie's initial "we're not trying to win Oscars here" goal - a 1980s style, hard-R slasher enhanced by the latest 3-D projection technology - it starts out on track. The effects used for the initial "ten years ago" section are cool, and the movie does not screw around with making the audience wait for what they paid to see - within minutes, blood is flying, the hospital is a charnel house, picks are sticking out of the screen with eyeballs on the end. There's a short break in the action to get us to the present, but the gore quickly starts up again, and I don't think we ever see Irene wearing more than high-heeled sandals in 2009, either.

Things are going good, and then the filmmakers make the fatal mistake of deciding that this thing needs a story. Worse than that, they decide that this story should be a mystery, with claims that Warden is definitively dead and the characters pointing fingers at each other. I'm all for horror movies having a little meat to their bones, but My Bloody Valentine is far too stupid to invite the audience to start paying attention to what people are saying and use their brains to figure out what's really going on. It's counter-productive; this is a movie that could happily get by running on adrenaline that regularly slows down to let the audience examine its weak spots.

Aside from being a bad mystery - it lies, seems to choose its solution at random, and the Valentine's Day angle... As wonderfully disgusting a visual as human hearts being ripped from chest and displayed in boxes of chocolates is, it never really makes much sense: Did Warden look at a calendar when he came out of a coma and decide that he needed a signature to his spree-killing? (What would he have done if he awoke a few days earlier or later?) Is it a useful bit of psychology later? (Not really) Anyway, aside from that, the movie just isn't put together well as a trashy slasher flick. Everybody covers up after the promising early nudity, and there's a limit to what can be done with a pickaxe as a murder weapon.

To be fair, the filmmakers do come up with some nifty ways to use the 3-D technology, and the gore is nicely done. The acting isn't that bad for a slasher film - nobody should quit their day jobs on TV, but the cast is hobbled by a story that just doesn't make any sense.

It's not a capital crime for a story like this not to make sense. Just don't give the audience time to notice the situation.

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originally posted: 01/19/09 17:03:16
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Horror Remakes: For more in the Horror Remakes series, click here.

User Comments

2/21/17 morris campbell a good slasher remake good 3d too 4 stars
8/16/11 chris Ok remake, but the original clearly has more going for it. 3 stars
11/05/10 Josie Cotton is a goddess Fun 3D slasher. One of the better remakes to come out recently 4 stars
5/19/10 art friday the 13th and halloween are cut from the same cloth!,the winner MY BLOODY VALENTINE! 4 stars
8/27/09 Laurey Martin I love Jensen Ackles, but this movie blows! The dialouge was ridiculous! 2 stars
8/27/09 starmage2 Plot not that great but great in the kills department. 4 stars
7/11/09 cody a ok remake, great in nudity and gore, acting was decent, but confusing plot and werid. 2 stars
5/24/09 action movie fan scare tactics that don,t scare-see4ms like a parody-stricly for gore hounds 2 stars
5/17/09 mr. mike DVD 3D was OK. but does not live up to its gore rep. 3 stars
2/16/09 Andrew I was surprised at how boring, mean, and mirthless this was and how much the 3-D sucked. 1 stars
2/15/09 Anthony Feor This film is on the borderline of mediocrity and somehow when it's bad it redeems itself. 3 stars
2/14/09 Breck Awesome. It's interesting and funny, full of gore, blood. It's PERFECT for teens n dates! 5 stars
2/06/09 Alejandro Sosa decent film with kills that were fun, kind of liked it. 3 stars
2/01/09 Ming same old slasher movie,however the naked lady running out of the motel was a nice touch 2 stars
1/31/09 ravenmad Sick, sick, sick, slasher to the MAX, bloody as hell. 3 stars
1/30/09 blarginbadigalnohif FUN FUN FUN CAMPY FUN AWESOME! 3D! 5 stars
1/21/09 Shannon It keeps you guessing until the end. Great suspense! 4 stars
1/21/09 ES 3D was cool for a bit, then annoying, the movie was ok, terrible twist @ the end thou 2 stars
1/20/09 Rob Great movie, could have used less plot, more slashiness 4 stars
1/18/09 Nick Ruled! Spectacular kills! 4 stars
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  16-Jan-2009 (R)
  DVD: 19-May-2009


  DVD: 19-May-2009

Directed by
  Patrick Lussier

Written by
  Zane Smith

  Jaime King
  Jensen Ackles

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