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Overall Rating

Awesome: 9.76%
Worth A Look: 1.22%
Average: 1.22%
Pretty Bad: 3.66%
Total Crap84.15%

4 reviews, 58 user ratings

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Universal Soldier: The Return
[] Buy posters from this movie
by Scott Weinberg

"The reason we go to the movies--Pure Genius"
1 stars

So trend-setting and brilliant, the written word cannot do this film justice. If you enjoyed such films as Forrest Gump, The Godfather and Ski School 2, you must see this one. Truly epic and wonderful.

Once again, Hollywood outdoes itself. This latest display of the artistry of cinema takes you into a new world for ninety minutes. The pleasure of watching charcters develop and the obstacles they overcome is reignited while watching Universal Soldier: The Return. It has redefined what a classic is.

The brilliant plot has Jean Claude Van Damme (in a Golden Globe-worthy performance) attempting to quell the powers of a supercomputer named SETH, and his Universal Soldier minions. He has the assistance of an integral newspaper reporter, as well as many brilliant military minds. A brief synopsis doesn't do the vibrant screenplay justice. An early exchange between Van Damme and his young daughter:

Girl: "Dad, why did Mom have to die?"

VD: "You just have to have faith that God has his reasons."

Girl: "I miss her."

VD: "I miss her too. Good night."

The scene ends with Van Damme sleeping in a rocking chair, clutching a photograph to his chest. I only wish my words could convey the way this scene affected me on an emotional level. Only a true artist could have made this film. (Case in point: Van Damme also produced this, so I think I'm on to something.)

There are too many wonderful scenes to mention, although my favorite had to be when one the reporter jumps in the back of Van Damme's car to change her top. She yells at our hero for peeking, then she returns to the front seat. (Hey, Spielberg, take notes.) The highlight of the film, however, comes when the entire city is in a blackout caused by the malicious (but ultimately misunderstood) SETH. Apparently, the only building that still has power during this blackout is a wonderful strip bar, where breasts and lapdancing are quite prevalent. In any other film, this would seem like an example of painfully obvious exploitation. Yet in this film, it seems real. It has bearing on the plot and the film needs this emotional core. I was truly touched my the tittie-bar scene in this movie, and I'm man enough to admit it.

The true find of this film, however, lies in the immediate impact of a brand new actor. I will refer to him only as Laurence Olivier-Goldberg, and he should be preparing his Oscar speech now, becuase his performance ranks right up there with Howie Long in Firestorm or Eddie Deezen in Grease.

All in all, the year in movies is over as far as I'm concerned. I doubt there will be another film so carefully constructed and skillfully directed. I propose that all schools close to let children experience this life-affirming experience. I truly believe the world is a better place because of films like Universal Soldier: The Return. (Even the title reeks of creativity.)

See it now, before it's copied a million times and all its components become so cliched and tired that you wish they'd never make another sequel to a bad sci-fi movie that completely bombed at the box-office anyway.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 09/08/99 15:45:51
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User Comments

6/23/13 John Tyler PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. 1 stars
6/11/11 max lords kiana tom was, one of the good things about this movie. 4 stars
2/28/10 dtgoddammit so awful its hilarious. watch for humor. 1 stars
12/09/06 Ash This film is ace wot a sequel the uva comments are ballox 5 stars
11/28/06 Mark This movie is punishment after death. 1 stars
1/03/06 Wiseman This movie fucking rocked, Pure action, if your 100% action watch this one, fuckin A' 5 stars
12/30/05 tony Its hard for me to say this but id rather watch Batman and Robin 1 stars
8/17/05 Klondo Van Damme may be a moron, but he's a good actor 1 stars
7/06/04 Talonsoft BLLLLLEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHH not even a good effort, as an action fan i expect some drivel but t 1 stars
5/18/04 Croweater You think this is bad? Try sitting through UniSol 2&3 with Matt Battaglia! Arrggg! Mercy! 1 stars
4/29/04 X This movie makes you want to gouge out your eyes 1 stars
2/10/04 Whatevr Van Damme couldn't act to save his own life. 1 stars
1/02/04 Monster W. Kung What a load of bollocks, 1 stars
9/24/03 bc Van damme cant act. He sucks and is crap. NO EMOTION. 1 stars
3/11/03 vandamme roflol 1 stars
4/26/02 Nick Van Damme sucks! He can't act his way out of a paper bag. 1 stars
3/16/02 Sugarfoot The first was decent but this was awful!!!!!! Dolph Lundgren needed! 1 stars
2/22/02 Dami This is grate 5 stars
11/10/01 Ken Jones What an awful movie!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
9/04/01 Butterbean Shitty flick. See the first U.Soldier, at least Van-Damme shows a sweet semi-nude shot. 2 stars
7/13/01 unisol this film is the fucking mentalist film in the world 5 stars
7/06/01 Craig Blanchard I wish I could run into JCVD so I could kick his stupid ballet trained head in! 1 stars
6/13/01 blap this movie is a total joke. vandamme is a total joke. neither's funny. 1 stars
6/02/01 Thrillhouse I wanted to kick JCVD's ass after seeing this dirtbag 1 stars
4/14/01 Andrew Carden Had good sepcail effects, but that's about it. 2 stars
3/30/01 Rampage Anyone who like this trash is a nutcase. And that goes for billybob and Robvd. Losers! 1 stars
2/06/01 billybob luv it 5 stars
2/05/01 Robvd Van DAmn kicks van ass 5 stars
12/03/00 Maestro The worst of the worst 1 stars
11/29/00 Cristopher Revilla Damn, the original was soooo much better, please don't watch this shitbag. 1 stars
11/12/00 Ground Zero Worse than Solo 1 stars
7/23/00 Digitalus Like Superfly said, if you enjoy this movie, you are probably a retard 1 stars
6/29/00 PJ hey guess what, this movie SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
4/26/00 Pansy JCVD + bad acting + lousy movie = waste of money! 1 stars
4/18/00 foxgroundcolt better than the orginal 3 stars
2/22/00 Mr. Kramitall Who the hell casted Jean-Claude Van Dufus in this movie? 1 stars
1/02/00 Jacob Harrison Not the best, but not the worst. Possible to be appreciated in a b-movie way. 2 stars
11/04/99 Mickey "Father Death" MacJohnstmyster Is there another actor besides JCVD who continues to give progressively WORSE performances 1 stars
10/12/99 Sherry The first one was soooo much better. 1 stars
10/10/99 Viral Messiah If you like this, you're a wacky-ass dimwit. SHIT! 1 stars
10/04/99 Suckit This suxs, Van Damme is the worst, worst movie of '99 1 stars
10/03/99 Joe Schmoe Screw Van Damme and his momma 1 stars
9/29/99 Orgazmo If anything I think the Universal Soldier should have been jews back in the 1940's. 1 stars
9/22/99 John Rizzo This movie rocks!!!! Best of '99!! Bill Goldberg is AMAZING!!! 5 stars
9/20/99 Admiral Crunch Booo! I agree with The Angry Jew. Bitchslap that Van Damme, that friggin' nutcase! 1 stars
9/09/99 Elijah Brilliant like radioactive diarreah 1 stars
9/08/99 Dax It's like watching Speed 2, but without the boat. 1 stars
9/06/99 Chet Worse than Inspector Gadget!!! 1 stars
8/26/99 Azimat A really turd movie that even gave bad name to turd movie 1 stars
8/24/99 Roman I hope this wins the rasberry award for worst picture of the year 1 stars
8/24/99 Jimmy I expected it to suck. It didn't dissapoint me. 1 stars
8/23/99 ladislau Who is Van Damme? Actor? Belgian Painter ? Hollywood's drop-out?Ask the producer who paid.. 1 stars
8/23/99 Michael Grimm Mr. Mau, your comments confirm you are truly retarded, Van Damme needs to do some more coke 1 stars
8/23/99 David Mau I think that movie was cool!!! Even though there's some bad side of it, but it was ok. 5 stars
8/22/99 Richard Cayer Could have been a made-for-TV movie 1 stars
8/21/99 BoB I agree 100% with Superfly. Jean-Claude Van Damme should quit as a actor. 1 stars
8/21/99 Ah Dooey Bitchslap that Van Damme! 1 stars
8/10/99 Meepos An absolute shocker. But as if you'd expect more. 1 stars
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  20-Aug-1999 (R)
  DVD: 28-Dec-1999



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