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I can't ruly crucify this film without giving away spoilers, and spoilers really piss me off, so if you actually plan on going to see this film at any time in the future (which is unlikely given that I was the onla person in the screening I saw), this is fair notice to hit the back button right now and don't look at this review. Because this will be no review - this will be a disection. A desecration even. I plan to slam this infantile piece of poopy from top to bottom, inside and out. And I will give away every piece of it.

Okay then, spoiler time.

Right, so I told you the basics already - Ashley falls for workmate who is dating someone else. They screw for six months, then he decides to dump her and not his real girlfriend. This, we're led to think, is eville of him. He's a pig, because rather than dump his girlfriend he dumped his mistress. THE SWINE!

Wait a second.. why is he a swine? Well, because he left Ashley when she had already given notice on her apartment to move in with him. So she needs to find a new apartment. And because clearly Ashley is pure while his actual girlfriend is just some... chick. So eeeeeeeeeeeeeeville Greg Kinnear, you bastard, we hate you. Hiss! Hiss!

Meanwhile, Hugh Jackman is the classic root-rat. He's giving it to a new chick every night of the week and he's okay with that because he says "Hey, they know what I am, I don't make any promises." Well, okay, he seems to be a rational gent. Not like that 'bastard' who went back to his girlfriend.

At least that's what the writers of this drivel THINK you will think. But you don't. You think, you know, both these guysare foul creatures who I wouldn't want my sister going anywhere near, thank you very much, and Ashley Judd is no catch herself because she has a flappy neck and for some reason has to walk about in her underwear in half the scenes of EVERY movie she's in. And she's from Kentucky, which indicates 'single gene pool' breeding processes going back generations.

And what of Hugh Jackman. They must have had this kid walking on boxes throughout the film, because he looked like he was about eighteen feet tall. Granted, Judd is about three foot tall due to that inbreeding mentioned earlier leaving her with no shins, but for some reason it irked me that he was headbutting ceiling fans. What irked me more was the interminable American accent they made this perfectly likeable Australian endure. Hollywood does the same thing with Toni Collette every time. Nope, sorry, can't use your normal voice, have to pretend you're American. I mean, hell, if Kevin Costner can use an American accent playing Robin Hood, surely an Australian actor can use his regular accent playing a bed-hopping slut. It's not like such behavior would be out of character for an Australian male...

This movie is booooooooooooooooooooooooooring. Nothing happens that you believe, care about, wish was reality or get any insight from. It's honestly the most underachieving, pointless, most ridiculous date film since Runaway Bride. No, go past Runaway Bride, this film is the worst since Autumn In New York. There's just nothing to it. If it were on TV, it would be considered awful, but for the big screen this is just so much pap.

It's just blah, you know? Love by numbers with a backstory that couldn't have rightly made sense when it was pitched. A case of a movie rushed out to beat the oncoming actors' and writers' strike? Perhaps. More likely just a star vehivle hoping to cash in on Judd and any residual geek factor left on Jackman after X-Men. Granted, the dude can act. But if his agent is trying to hurt his career, he's doing a good job. First an aShley judd movie, and he's got a John Travolta movie, Swordfish, coming after that. I mean, if you were hell-bent on wrecking a guy's career, wouldn't you put him in a Judd movie and a Travolta movie? Me too.

But you know what really irks me about this romantic misfire? People will watch it and say "oh, you know, it was okay. It was fun, I guess."

WRONG ANSWER! What does it take to annoy you people? I mean, God, people, quit being so fast to accept something you'd not watch all the way through on TV as being worth your eight bucks in a cinema! Demand better! Demand interesting stories and realistic characters and a little bit of effort!

In closing, I traveled quite some distance for a day at the movies, but after seeing this one first, I couldn't bring myself to sit through anything else. I went home and... just sat. If the sexual chemistry of Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman hadn't left me so dry, I might have wept. But instead I just sat.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1869&reviewer=1
originally posted: 04/17/01 04:38:44
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