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Footloose (1984)

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 09/05/99 17:32:44

"Comedy, thy name is Chris Penn dancing in a cowboy hat."
2 stars (Pretty Bad)

Lets' face it. You've seen this movie. I don't know why you're reading a review of a film you've seen, other than perhaps in the hope that I might say something funny. Well okay then.

A few years back, when Craiggers Kilborn was hosting The Daily Show, he did a "Five Questions" with eyebrows-to-die-for supermodel, Kathy Ireland.

Kathy was in trouble. She was 0-4 with one question to come. An all-time low score was potentially looking her in the face.

The tension built. The last question came forth from Craiggers' lips like a John Woo bullet blasting it's way out of the gunbarrel in slo-mo. Winged death. The smiling assassin.

"Katyh Ireland, give three words that best describe your personality," came the sullen request...

Said Ms Ireland... "Oooh... ummm... uhhh..."

"DING!" went the bell.

"CORRECT!" screamed Kilborn.

Of course, this has nothing to do with Footloose, but you wanted comedy and, for mine, that was the funniest moment in televisual history. Since TV is my life (I'm Gen X, sue me) I can give you nothing funnier.

Footloose, if you need reminding (because we know you've seen it), is crap. It's the tale of a teenage boy who moves to Hicksville USA and finds dancing is outlawed. Oh-oh, there's goes Kev's number one tool for picking up chicks. Why doesn't he dance now that he's old an ugly? Something to think about...

Anywas, his new best buddy, a young (THIN!) Chris Penn, is your typical yokel. Big hat. Probably gaybashing and cowtipping when the camera's not around, but can Kev turn Penn into a 'snag' by learnin' him ta dance? Yewbetcha!

Meanwhile, there's a skankyho with bad 80's hair (even in the 80's her hair was considered icky, I remember) who rules the school. You know the type. She's skinny, ergo she's the object of the new boy's desires.

Okay, halt for a second.

In Say Anything, this worked. Ione Skye might have been a monumental pain in the ass, but she was a nice pain in the ass, so you figured Cusack was on the right course by doing the 'ghettoblaster held aloft' thing.

When.. well, let's face it, any actor of the 80's, pursued Molly Ringwald in any 80's film, she too was a monumental pain in the derriere, but frankly you wanted to see someone break her in so you went with it.

And in Weird Science, well, Kelly Le Brock, come on!

But in Footloose, you have this... skank (there's no other word for her) who is nasty, bitchy, skinnier'n'an ol' rake, not overly smart, WHAT THE HELL IS THE ATTRACTION?!?! I can't support this film because I know ol' Kevin is heading for tears, even if he does win out in the end.

He SHOULD have been after the skankyho's best friend, Sarah Jessica Parker. Ferris Bueller ended up grabbing her, and you know Ferris doesn't make errors in this department. He'll be lucky to keep her after Inspector Gadget, but I digress.

This movie is just packed full of good actors doing bad stuff. John Lithgow as the overly concerned preacher. Dianne Lane as his well meaning, blinking innocently wife. It's all so disappointing.

Where the hell was Anthony Micheal Hall? This is no 80's movie!

So he dances a lot. Big fuckin' deal.

Avoid. Avoid like you avoid those plastic rap pants you have in your wardrobe just in case Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo comes back in style. Avoid like neon legwarmers. Avoid like white t-shirts that contain the words "Frankie Say...". Avoid like that God forsaken kid next door who could solve the Rubiks Cube. Just avoid.

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