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Overall Rating

Awesome: 12.9%
Worth A Look: 35.48%
Average: 0%
Pretty Bad: 6.45%
Total Crap45.16%

3 reviews, 13 user ratings

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Velocity of Gary, The
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by Chris Parry

"What the holy crap went on here?"
1 stars

Perhaps I'm a fool. Perhaps I'm not artistic enough. Perhaps I'm too straight. Perhaps I'm a neanderthal. Perhaps I have no soul. But I'll be damned if I have any frickin' clue what Vinny D'Onofrio, Salma "Anti-Lopez" Hayek and Olivia d'Abo were doing in this film. Or even what I was doing watching it. Or what it all meant. Or why Vinny looked like he was trying to eat that guy's face when he kissed him. It's all gone wrong.

So Le Nofrio is like this long haired fat homeless porno actor called Valentino. Salma sells donuts and digs The 'Nof. Garry is a Jon Voight/Midnight Cowboy-ish hick just new in town who saves a Loretta Lynn wannabe transvestite from a beating at the hands of predictably stereotypical latino thugs, while falling in love (also) with The 'Nof. Olivia D'Abo is a porn actress with cool sunglasses who loves... guess.

The transvestite meets an untimely demise, everybody kisses a lot and grabs butt cheeks, an old dance instructor crones away for a few minutes, some more tranny's wander around in the background for comedy value of the kind of standard as, say, a mixture between The Birdcage and Sprung ("Step off, girlfriend!") and people spout the kind of dimestore philosophy that you'd read over a urinal and promptly piss on.

It's cheaply constructed, cheaply acted, cheaply written, the jokes are cheap, the artistry is strained and the porn is absent.

Which kind of leaves nothing worth anything.

This is the sort of self indulgent crap that Ethan Hawke might have directed, or Alicia Silverstone might have produced. "We're big name actors, we get paid a lot, we can make a movie about anything and it'll get released!" - and promptly avoided like herpes.

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originally posted: 08/11/99 00:23:19
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User Comments

3/26/06 luis nunez is not good but salma rocks 4 stars
6/17/05 anakondana Best screen kiss ever! D'Onofrio and Jane have awsome chemistry! 4 stars
3/21/05 Elizabeth S Didn't care for the conclusion, but a very interesting time getting there. 4 stars
10/10/04 WitchyNY (not my real name) I loved this movie. I thought it was graceful, insightful and meaningful. 5 stars
11/29/02 Buddha Awful awful movie. Total vanity piece for all concerned. 2 stars
10/24/02 kelly I thought it was one of the best I've seen this year! 5 stars
3/12/02 Alan Smithee If Salma Hayek had done full frontal nudity, than this movie would have something to offer. 1 stars
9/02/01 Butterbean They killed off the most interesting character at the start of this film and then bored me! 1 stars
8/30/00 June What the bloody hell do you mean by FAT??? 4 stars
4/19/00 Ruethewhirl Dull, strange, pointless, nice title though 2 stars
12/08/99 Larry Jenkins If you don't live in NY or LA the film will be an engaging thought piece 4 stars
11/16/99 Bozo I loved it too..and I am sorry it has been trashed..Thomas Jane is FANTASTIC 5 stars
11/10/99 Elena I loved the movie...great story of friends, family (be it unconventional) and love. 5 stars
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  16-Jul-1999 (R)
  DVD: 13-Apr-2004



Directed by
  Dan Ireland

Written by
  James Still

  Vincent D'Onofrio
  Salma Hayek
  Thomas Jane
  Ethan Hawke
  Olivia d'Abo
  Chad Lindberg

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