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Overall Rating

Awesome: 4.27%
Worth A Look: 7.69%
Average: 16.24%
Pretty Bad: 11.97%
Total Crap59.83%

3 reviews, 99 user ratings

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Jaws 3-D
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by Chris Parry

"Buy this video. It sucks so much, you'll never have to leave the house!"
1 stars

Someone had a bright idea back in the day; to take the respected Jaws franchise, throw some up'n'coming stars on the screen and then tie the whole thing together with the gimmick of 3-D effects in an effort to make a fortune. 3-D movies are always crap, especially when seen on television, and *especially* when they're a lame money-grabbing second sequel of a really, really, really good film. Jaws 3-D, when the gimmickry is disregarded, is a hokey pile of excrement that damns the memory of the first in the series. But when you embrace the 3D technique and the countless scenes so obviously unimportant to the plot but thrown in for the sake of making an audience go "whoa!"... it's still a hokey pile of excrement that damns the memory of the first in the series.

Dennis Quaid and his Sondra Locke-ish girlfriend are marine biologists working at an fancy aquarium filled with lots of glass tunnels so fashion-challenged early 80's customers can wander through a fish-filled pond. But oh no! Big shark comes! Eats people with tight light-blue t-shirts and knee socks!

Personally, I'd have thrown the shark a knife and fork.

Throw in the usual 'establishment keeps making decisions based on finances and not customer safety' schtick that every shark movie in history is based on, and add Denny Quaid's too-close eyebrows, and what you have left is the stuff propulsion vomitting is made of.

Joe Alves, the director of this cinematic bottom burp, never went on to fame and fortune, which is a good thing since enough people sell their soul to the devil already, and he'd have had to do just that to survive the backlash from this flick. The effects are so bad it's a constant source of amusement, the camerawork consistently atrocious, the editing as awful as any other film you'll see and the acting... well, I've seen better when my cat tries to make me believe it wasn't him that just vomited in my shoe.

The British TV producer trying to get great shots of the shark at any cost is laughable. I mean, you expect to see this guy wearing a cravatte over his wetsuit. His assistant, the kind of battle-hardened "leave it aht, Guv'nor!" goofball that Pete Postlethwaite played in Jurassic Park, is so expendable that you know he's shark fodder from the first time you see him.

But what's most hilarious is that this is a Jaws movie... and it's rated PG. How could this be? Well, perhaps it's the fact that even when Lea Thompson gets half eaten by the shark and thrashed around for seemingly minutes, when she's pulled from the water she has all her arms and legs intact. "Call an ambulance!" a park employee yells, though I found myself wondering if perhaps "Call a dry-cleaner!" might be the more appropriate thing to scream. A splotch of red paint on Thompson's thigh seems to be all the damage done, and when you see the shark up close it's not a surprise. I could kick this shark's arse with only an aquamarine crayon and a box of slightly melted caramel cremes with which to defend myself.

Ultimately, Jaws 3-D is a no-win situation for all concerned. If you see it on TV, the blurred picture (3-D is shot with two cameras and projected on the screen in a blur, so when adapted to TV it's less than a sparkling picture)is annoying as hell, and the constant close-ups of things like squirting syringes, that were obviously intended to make the audience squirm when shown in 3-D, are so tired they're not even funny. Since nobody shows 3-D movies on the big screen anymore, you're not about to see this in it's original form any time soon, and on the smal screen it's just terrible.

If you want to see a good terrible movie that will leave you in hysterics, Virus is the go. But a PG movie about a rampant shark... that just makes no sense at all. Avoid like penis cheese.

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originally posted: 07/11/01 07:20:12
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User Comments

3/13/17 morris campbell DUMB SORRY SEQUEL 1 stars
11/06/14 Mario is the Best I hate this. Jaws really jumped the shark. 1 stars
8/07/14 David Hollingsworth Jumped the shark to say the least. 1 stars
2/07/13 Kcaj Pretty dumb. Shouldnt have been made 2 stars
12/11/12 Jamie Awesome in 3D, but not as good in standard. 5 stars
11/02/11 Robert stevenson By far the worst film of the series absolutely shocking total crap 1 stars
7/10/11 Jennifer Barr loved the 3d 4 stars
6/21/10 Sarah Webster Better than the original. It's a classic in film making. 5 stars
3/13/10 mr.mike So bad it's NOT good 1 stars
8/27/09 Bri I thi 3 stars
1/08/09 Shaun Wallner This movie was stupid! 1 stars
12/29/08 Nick mediocre for the first half, terrible for the last half. growling shark/effects ruined it 2 stars
7/21/07 Sharkwatcher How does mommy shark know, baby shark's dead? Confusing story, but than JAWS 4 4 stars
3/11/07 brent gerald mejia sr.a a really silly movie 1 stars
2/03/07 Vip Ebriega A bit better than 2, and way better than 4. 3 stars
9/25/06 David Pollastrini HORRIBLE, ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE 1 stars
8/10/06 Dragon The Artist Total CHEESEFEST, a trip to FAKESVILLE, but campy fun. 2 stars
6/28/06 joe koski hate jaws 2 ,jaws 3 is ok 3 stars
5/24/06 Poof No where near good enough 3 stars
5/07/06 Fruit-Loop The plot improved from Jaws 2. C+ 3 stars
4/22/06 Jack Better than number 2. No more than a C 3 stars
3/10/06 Dk Better than number two but miles of the classic original 2 stars
2/13/06 Anthony Feor This is the way you make a sequel, if you're a dumbass 1 stars
1/28/06 JM Synth Actually the 1st 2 were PG as well, but its still crap. Would love to see it in 3D though 1 stars
1/18/06 Quigley the worst film made. the shark was so FAKE! nothing scary here just a feel-good 80s comedy 1 stars
12/21/05 miss patience 5 i think it does not ruin the jaws reputation, it is a great shark flickand lm only 11 4 stars
11/24/05 cr a ok sequel with a good ending, but cheesie special effects hurt it but l like its jaws 3 stars
10/09/05 Keith Robey Personally, I considered this film this film the BEST of the Jaws franchise. 3 stars
9/02/05 Eden I suppose you could watch it to laugh at it 1 stars
8/16/05 ES Pre-dragonheart Quaid shows us he jumped the shark before his career ever started= blah 1 stars
8/15/05 Monster W. Kung Pure shit. Not scary, not funny, not entertaining. Just painful. 1 stars
7/08/05 Burt Ward The best movie ever made. 5 stars
7/01/05 bess armstrong fuckin a 5 stars
6/16/05 Jeff Anderson COMPLETE DRECK & IN LOUSY 3-D! Quaid & Gossett Jr., what in the hell were you thinking! 1 stars
6/09/05 me fuckin' 3-D sharks...just fucking...lame. 1 stars
5/28/05 tony NO NO NO NO NO! it has to end. the people are ruining the reputation of the jaws films 1 stars
4/26/05 E-FUNK Sets you up for the cinematic eye-fucking that is Jaws: The Revenge. Watch while drunk. 2 stars
4/20/05 josh scofield good 3 stars
4/15/05 Chris Frint Total piece of shit 1 stars
3/31/05 Richard Box what a crock of shit ! is this the worst sequel ever ? alot worse than pt4. 1 stars
11/14/04 X $ % & ! Wow, this is CRAP! 1 stars
11/13/04 Jack Sommersby What the fuck? 1 stars
10/29/04 stephen the worst shit i,ve ever seen 1 stars
7/19/04 Benjamin Petrofsky Best of the sequells, but not as good as the first 4 stars
7/05/04 JimmyC Why??? 1 stars
7/03/04 American Slasher Goddess It felt like 90 minutes of advertisement for Sea World 1 stars
6/03/04 Mr. me :( 1 stars
5/11/04 Me Ack! Garbage!!! 1 stars
3/20/04 Jack-pyschO-Lantern This is a peice of FLAMING DOG-SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
2/07/04 c.r This movie wasn't all that bad,it good scenes showing inside the sharks mouth, visual hurt! 3 stars
1/21/04 lukeee total crap 1 stars
11/30/03 Emanuel McGee Really Fake Shark!!! 2 stars
11/30/03 jmsynth Probably played great at the cinema w/3D effects. But now only shown on TV/Video so... 1 stars
11/28/03 john a "good bad movie?" maybe... enjoyable with a good sense of humor 2 stars
11/28/03 alien assassin How dare they denigrate a classic thriller with this crappy sequel !!! 1 stars
9/14/03 mike This movies is bad, the video store should pay me for renting it. 1 stars
9/08/03 Sugarfoot Stinks worse then a rotten fish! 1 stars
8/21/03 Eva Ha it was o.k 3 stars
8/15/03 Double G eeeeeeeeeeeeeekayyyyyyyyyyyyy 1 stars
8/11/03 The Savage everyone in this movie should be forced to shoot themselves 1 stars
7/14/03 Derek Gustufson This movie did have some exciting sceens but the shark was the fakest thing since King Kong 2 stars
7/09/03 Kent An entertaining and funny sharkmovie 3 stars
5/30/03 Robert I feel sorry for Steven Speilberg putting so much effort into Jaws to be ruined 1 stars
5/12/03 Dan Shick Holy crap! The writers should be tied to a post and burned alive! 1 stars
3/20/03 Jack Sommersby Bad, but it's not terrible enough to be disreputable. 2 stars
1/30/03 s.c a good shark attack flim! 4 stars
12/25/02 marty t up the ra IRA amazing pure quality the best movie i have ever seen 5 stars
12/18/02 C.reeves A great visual effects and scary 4 stars
11/20/02 Nevz C'mon guys, it's not thaaat bad! 3 stars
10/22/02 Charles Tatum One of the last nails in the new 3-D rave 1 stars
8/24/02 Joke's On You Fuck off Jerry Williams! This is greater than that snatch-trap "Citizen Kang" fuck me ass! 2 stars
8/16/02 Scott Pretty fricking dumb. Actually, it sucked monkey ass. 2 stars
8/16/02 Shaun just saw it at a screening in 3-D, and its much better than at home, but still poopy 3 stars
7/31/02 tony obeid fun and scarey 4 stars
4/15/02 Jerry Williams Dave says that Jaws 3 is better than the original. I say that he's a fucking crackhead! 1 stars
4/06/02 Tony Obeid good effects 4 stars
4/04/02 cat in the same boat as Jason 3D, why not include glasses with the video, huh? 3 stars
2/02/02 DAVID what a total waste of good green cash 1 stars
11/03/01 HM3 Not nearly as bad as it's made out to be. Actually, a decent monster movie. 3 stars
10/23/01 Tam Totally fake with OTT special effects and hammy acting. Cheesier than a Swiss fondue. 1 stars
10/15/01 Steven Williams THE FAKEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!!!!!!! 1 stars
10/07/01 jawsboy Average movie with average acting, neat looking shark, but a bad script and bad effects. 3 stars
9/23/01 Monster W. Kung Jesus Christ! Vomit-inducingly bad. Not even funny bad, just crap. 1 stars
8/07/01 Mr. Hat (formerly Joe Zappa) Yawn, snore. Wake me up when the credits start. 2 stars
8/06/01 E-Funk Wow...I guess third times a fuck-up, eh? 2 stars
7/12/01 Brody C'mon, it's fun. Lousy fx, but it's still a killer shark and this time it's at Sea World! 4 stars
7/03/01 Boomshanka Man was this shit hokey. Not a patch on the original. 1 stars
2/15/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) Where's Bruce when you need him?? 1 stars
1/15/01 Sklorsh Lets face it, this is one terrible movie. But hey, it's better than Jaws 4 2 stars
12/13/00 psychocuda They could've at least made the shark look scary. The only scary thing was I paid $3.50 1 stars
12/08/00 Cristopher Revilla thats the fakest fucking shark i've ever seen!!! 1 stars
11/27/00 The Bomb 69 ????????????????? 1 stars
11/25/00 The Evil Penguin a dumb, stinky film 1 stars
8/23/00 zall all the jaws films were crap 1 stars
5/12/00 Steve Layne As a kid I liked this better than other jaws movie. But now Its not neary as good as 1 & 2 3 stars
3/09/00 David Rogers This is where Jaws took a huge plunge in the drink. 3 stars
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