Jaws 3-D

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 07/11/01 07:20:12

"Buy this video. It sucks so much, you'll never have to leave the house!"
1 stars (Total Crap)

Someone had a bright idea back in the day; to take the respected Jaws franchise, throw some up'n'coming stars on the screen and then tie the whole thing together with the gimmick of 3-D effects in an effort to make a fortune. 3-D movies are always crap, especially when seen on television, and *especially* when they're a lame money-grabbing second sequel of a really, really, really good film. Jaws 3-D, when the gimmickry is disregarded, is a hokey pile of excrement that damns the memory of the first in the series. But when you embrace the 3D technique and the countless scenes so obviously unimportant to the plot but thrown in for the sake of making an audience go "whoa!"... it's still a hokey pile of excrement that damns the memory of the first in the series.

Dennis Quaid and his Sondra Locke-ish girlfriend are marine biologists working at an fancy aquarium filled with lots of glass tunnels so fashion-challenged early 80's customers can wander through a fish-filled pond. But oh no! Big shark comes! Eats people with tight light-blue t-shirts and knee socks!

Personally, I'd have thrown the shark a knife and fork.

Throw in the usual 'establishment keeps making decisions based on finances and not customer safety' schtick that every shark movie in history is based on, and add Denny Quaid's too-close eyebrows, and what you have left is the stuff propulsion vomitting is made of.

Joe Alves, the director of this cinematic bottom burp, never went on to fame and fortune, which is a good thing since enough people sell their soul to the devil already, and he'd have had to do just that to survive the backlash from this flick. The effects are so bad it's a constant source of amusement, the camerawork consistently atrocious, the editing as awful as any other film you'll see and the acting... well, I've seen better when my cat tries to make me believe it wasn't him that just vomited in my shoe.

The British TV producer trying to get great shots of the shark at any cost is laughable. I mean, you expect to see this guy wearing a cravatte over his wetsuit. His assistant, the kind of battle-hardened "leave it aht, Guv'nor!" goofball that Pete Postlethwaite played in Jurassic Park, is so expendable that you know he's shark fodder from the first time you see him.

But what's most hilarious is that this is a Jaws movie... and it's rated PG. How could this be? Well, perhaps it's the fact that even when Lea Thompson gets half eaten by the shark and thrashed around for seemingly minutes, when she's pulled from the water she has all her arms and legs intact. "Call an ambulance!" a park employee yells, though I found myself wondering if perhaps "Call a dry-cleaner!" might be the more appropriate thing to scream. A splotch of red paint on Thompson's thigh seems to be all the damage done, and when you see the shark up close it's not a surprise. I could kick this shark's arse with only an aquamarine crayon and a box of slightly melted caramel cremes with which to defend myself.

Ultimately, Jaws 3-D is a no-win situation for all concerned. If you see it on TV, the blurred picture (3-D is shot with two cameras and projected on the screen in a blur, so when adapted to TV it's less than a sparkling picture)is annoying as hell, and the constant close-ups of things like squirting syringes, that were obviously intended to make the audience squirm when shown in 3-D, are so tired they're not even funny. Since nobody shows 3-D movies on the big screen anymore, you're not about to see this in it's original form any time soon, and on the smal screen it's just terrible.

If you want to see a good terrible movie that will leave you in hysterics, Virus is the go. But a PG movie about a rampant shark... that just makes no sense at all. Avoid like penis cheese.

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