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Overall Rating

Awesome: 12%
Worth A Look: 8%
Average: 4%
Pretty Bad: 12%
Total Crap64%

2 reviews, 13 user ratings

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Blood Beach
[] Buy posters from this movie
by The Ultimate Dancing Machine

"Suck Beach"
1 stars

Some bad movies just aren't bad enough. BLOOD BEACH has a promisingly weird premise: in what must be the dumbest JAWS variation ever, the movie postulates a flesh-eating monster that lives under the beach, who sucks sunbathers into the sand with barely a trace.

It's obvious what the filmmakers are up to here, even before one of the actors utters the immortal line "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can't get to it." Yuk, yuk, yuk. That's what passes for a high point in this tepid flick.

BLOOD BEACH doesn't really get anything right: it's not straight-faced enough to qualify as full-blown camp, and it's not nearly funny enough to count as parody. With its bland cast (excepting, maybe, ROCKY alumnus Burt Young as one of the investigators) and a rickety plot that makes less sense the more you think about it, the film never rises above typical low-budget baloney. How do they find the monster? Well, after far too many scenes where the detectives sit around scratching their heads, somebody just gets this hunch...

You know how horror-movie killers like to leave their victims dangling from the ceiling by the ankles so people can run into the bodies and scream like hell? Did you know that even giant killer houseplants that live under the beach do that? Yes, you heard right--it turns out to be a giant killer houseplant that can somehow travel anywhere up and down the beach, and without leaving tunnels. Don't try to figure it out. I command you.

There's no energy to it; the movie very faintly echoes Spielberg but adds nothing to the mix. What you get are a lot of boring actors larking around sunny Santa Monica beaches--please note all the tourist types in the background staring into the camera. I don't know how you could make a decent horror movie in this milieu, but you don't do it like this.

Like I say, there are bad movies and there are bad movies. This is the wrong kind of bad.

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originally posted: 03/16/03 12:17:27
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User Comments

3/05/13 qunda i love it 5 stars
6/02/12 keith miron i LIKED Graduation day better 2 stars
6/12/07 Danielle Ophelia An insomniac's wet dream. 1 stars
6/23/04 Freeman A real cheezzie flick in its day! 4 stars
6/27/03 Diggem the Frog I bought this film for a dollar or two. Someday that'll be the last copy left. 1 stars
3/16/03 y2mckay I saw it when I was a kid, but I sitll remember how much it sucked. 2 stars
1/01/03 Jack Sommersby Sub-par horror fare, with a laughable monster. Good acting, though. 2 stars
11/26/02 Charles Tatum Like sand in my swimsuit 1 stars
4/11/02 Paul I loved it! Great Camp! 5 stars
2/11/02 Eric Robert An early film version of Tremors 3 stars
9/08/01 Andrew Barwell This movie has an eclectic jazz-synth score and two likeable lead actors. It has humor too. 4 stars
3/07/01 Dejan Nikolovski Best and Funniest movie of all time, so stupid you'll piss yourself laughing 5 stars
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  24-Jan-1981 (R)



Directed by
  Jeffrey Bloom

Written by
  Jeffrey Bloom
  Steven Nalevansky

  David Huffman
  Burt Young
  Mariana Hill
  Otis Young
  John Saxon

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