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Overall Rating
1.57

Awesome: 2.31%
Worth A Look: 6.15%
Average: 3.85%
Pretty Bad: 21.54%
Total Crap66.15%

7 reviews, 88 user ratings


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Dungeons & Dragons
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by Chris Parry

"And you thought The Phantom Menace was a waste of a franchise...."
1 stars

For decades kids who wear black t-shirts and haven't got the courage to talk to girls have played Dungeons and Dragons. I was one of them, I can speak with authority. Of course, once I did discover girls, I shunned Dungeons and Dragons like pubic lice, but the fact remains, somewhere back in the recesses of my mind, I quite enjoyed the memories of having smited (smote?) virtual monsters etc with my old Druid, Baldrick Westham. Stop laughing at me, you bastards, I get paid to review movies now, so in your face, a boy can be a D&D player and still turn out okay. It might not happen often, but it CAN HAPPEN. Oh, and this movie is crap.

You've all seen the Lord of the Rings trailer. You've seen the hordes of orcs and wizards and elves and blah blah, swordplay, magic, dark dark dark, you've seen the sweeping scenery, the incredible sets, it's a bad-ass looking flick.

Dungeons and Dragons, on the other hand, is an unmitigated pile of shit. It's weak in every respect, from direction to the sets to the script to the disgracefully bad acting.

See, here's what I think happened. Some producer had the D&D option lying around and if they didn't use the option soon, it was going to expire on them. So they decided to make a horseshit TV movie, with Streetfighter style action and storyline, and do it on the cheap. They recruited a crappy writing team, some truly terrible leading actors (including a Wayans brother, of all things), then just before they're supposed to begin, someone calls up and says, "Hey, you can get Jeremy Irons for a week for $25k, but only if you take him this week." So they sign up Jezabelle Irons to speak twelve lines and let them put his name on a poster.

Then the same person calls up and says, "Yo, this American Beauty thing is blowing up large, and the chick from the flick with the bulbous head.. no, not Mena Suvari, the other one... she's free for a week too. Another $25k. You in?" So they signed up Thora Birch.

Then they adapted the existing horrible script, which is REALLY horrible by the way, to add those two chracters as the arch bad, and good, guys.

Imagine Streetfighter with Anthony Hopkins the sumo wrestler. You're starting now to understand the annoyance of seeing a truly great actor demeaning himself by playing a part in this kind of substandard dross.

Thora Birch suffers a far more hilarious fate. In American Beauty she got by because she had an awesome screenplay behind her and some great co-stars. In this, she's only got to do better than a Wayans brother, but she fails miserably in what really is the easiest of tasks. Of course, in her defence, she's reciting lines from a script that I could have written better drunk, and she's really just not that good an actress to begin with. And is it just me, or does everyone get the urge to prick her forehead with a pin and see how large the explosion is? I mean, Mena Suvari, that girl has a Hindenburg-like forehead, but Thora Birch, she might not be filled with helium, but you could at least show movies on her upper cranium.

If watching Irons and Birch struggling for a single recitable line like an asthmatic struggles for air isn't bad enough, we then get hit with the unbelievable indignity of having to listen to Marlon Wayans shriek like a girl and emit 'ghetto slang' in an ear that is supposed to be way medieval.

I mean, did the producers of this thing actively try to miscast it? Did they really want to take away every shred of respectability and reality that they could have enjoyed otherwise? And did they really not have any clue about what made the Dungeons and Dragons game so appealing to so many millions for so many years?

This film is a study on what not to do with a potential goldmine. It's a study on the exact opposite fo what you'd do to make a good film. It's a study in crassness and wasted time, money and talent. It's a disgrace. It's depressing. It's the worst of Hollywood. And baby, it's no Lord of the Rings.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=3438&reviewer=1
originally posted: 11/25/01 18:39:40
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User Comments

5/30/11 Quigley A truly horrible, awful film, but it's one of the funniest films ever because of it. 5 stars
7/20/08 Shaun Wallner I was expecting so much more out of D&D 1 stars
12/16/07 Jason Bloody kids cartoon. Pokemon is better than this! 2 stars
7/11/06 David Cohen Obviously made by the religious right to steer people away from D&D 1 stars
3/14/06 David avery It could have been done MUCH MUCH better!!! 2 stars
8/16/05 ES By naming a movie Dungeons and Dragons you've already done most of the work ruining it 1 stars
8/02/05 Lee It's like Plan 9, but with dragons. 1 stars
3/24/05 Alice Colwell bad movie 1 stars
10/17/04 mr.unknown someone needs to make a another D&D movie to redeem the damage done to D&D's reputation... 1 stars
8/30/04 DM I love the game and I still hated this movie 1 stars
7/06/04 tyger,tyger bad movie good effects shots, good extars on dvd 4 stars
7/06/04 Talonsoft some of the movie was crappy but the dragon scenes were great 4 stars
4/28/04 X Someone call the bomb squad! 1 stars
2/10/04 Whatevr Even the most devout D&D'r would hate this. 1 stars
11/27/03 he A GREAT FILM i loved it 5 stars
11/07/03 Ashamed D&D Player Hey Courtney Solomon - do us players a favour and stick to DMing with your friends! 1 stars
11/02/03 Two-G - horror_blood2 (aka Double G) pretty good 3 stars
10/15/03 DrSkyTower An absolute pile of utter, moronic SHIT! Re: Jar Jar Snails! 1 stars
6/04/03 The Grinch Typical feces from Poo Line Cinema...$35 million dollars wasted horribly. 1 stars
5/06/03 Jareth Film-o-meter: LOTR->great->good->average-shit->diabolical->D&D. Get the picture? 1 stars
4/09/03 Zargo enjoyable stuff, i honestly cannot see anything that bad about it 4 stars
2/20/03 Dave Thanks God for Lord Of The Rings. Americans on a medieval set is just bizarre and wrong. 1 stars
2/14/03 Large Farve Oh my god, the Amazing Maze.... just so aMAZEing... brain damage..... this movie sucks.. 1 stars
1/26/03 Mitsaso I can't believe I watched this!!!Ewwwww.... 1 stars
10/26/02 Jerry Williams Doesn't deserve the 1 star I'm giving it! 1 stars
8/01/02 Victorie Only Jeremy and Tom Baker exhibited talent! 2 stars
6/18/02 Bart Painful 1 stars
5/19/02 Dark Barøn Bad dragon! BAD DRAGON! Go to your room! 1 stars
4/24/02 Danielle Ophelia Lop of everything but the prefix ("Dung"), and there you have it. 1 stars
4/19/02 Chris Best comedy I've ever seen! HAHAHAHAHA! 1 stars
4/08/02 Leigh it sucks can we start a petition to have it redone 1 stars
4/04/02 Film Dude What... the fuck.... was this? 1 stars
3/16/02 Jeyg Its not LOTR, but an interesting Fantasy-Movie! 4 stars
1/22/02 D'Morph LotR beats this pile of CR@P by a loooong way. 1 stars
1/13/02 Phillip Montgomery I thought a few parts were a riot......Oh it wasn't supposed to be a comedy 2 stars
11/28/01 Sly Crafty Marlon "Jar Jar" Wayans should be ass-fucked with a Rod Of Mighty Righteousness! 1 stars
11/27/01 Andrew Carden I Liked The Toys From The 80's...but The Movie Falls On It's Face. 1 stars
9/30/01 ReyDelMal This is an abomination. Thank God LOTR is coming this December. 1 stars
7/15/01 Rampage what the hell was that? 1 stars
7/10/01 CramalaL "Total Crap" is a huge understatement 1 stars
6/26/01 J It wasn't much but it sure wasn't a atrocity too. Some folks like Richard O'Brien were good 3 stars
6/18/01 janitor61 "I now declare all of you Equal!!!" wtf? 1 stars
6/12/01 malcolm a lot of fun except Wayans' buffoonery. felt like Phantom Menace 3 stars
6/09/01 Peter Brook Irons - and some effects - don't make for the lack of everything else. And D&D sucks anyway 2 stars
3/15/01 Richard Wright Apart from some nifty effects this is a waste of celluloid, the acting being esp bad. 1 stars
3/10/01 Stephenbooth_uk Irons was sleepwalking, Birch miscast. Effects were good and it's nice to see Tom Baker. 4 stars
3/01/01 Ricardo The movie was awesome 5 stars
1/30/01 puff the magic dragon Roll on Harry Potter !!! 1 stars
1/19/01 Ground Zero WTH!!! Why was Marlon Wayans such a freaking wuss? 1 stars
1/19/01 Axe Murderer WTF! Worst f&(ing movie ever....even worse than batlefield earth 1 stars
1/14/01 Jenn My GOD! What was that fucking shit! 1 stars
1/12/01 Dr Fardook I worry for jermey irons. Bad movies killed Raul Julia and Orson Welles too 1 stars
1/11/01 Boy In The Designer Bubble my bitch could fuck a can of Kodack, and give birth to a better movie. 1 stars
1/11/01 RazorDog Terrible acting, weak CG, Just bad all around. Avoid at all costs. 1 stars
1/11/01 Matt69 what a peice of fucking shit 1 stars
1/11/01 Brian Really not too bad. 4 stars
1/01/01 Jack the Ripper This sucks. It doesn't deserve any more review than that. 1 stars
12/31/00 Emily you know howsomething is so bad it's hard to whach? um-hm. right here. 1 stars
12/25/00 Damion Cain I liked it but the ending was shit terrible. 4 stars
12/21/00 Stuntman nice CGI effects, awful movie for lowlifes 2 stars
12/20/00 Anony Mouse Not too bad if you see it as a Mel Brooks parody of fantasy movies! 2 stars
12/19/00 John Lyons Great movie (for a little kid). 1 stars
12/19/00 Thrillhouse (takes out a bomb and blows up the movie theater) Damn you all! 1 stars
12/16/00 Boy In The Designer Bubble My stoner pals loved this movie. I thought it sucked donkey dicks. 1 stars
12/15/00 Dumbassmaster (gets down on knees and raises arms in the air) NOOOOO!!!!!!! 1 stars
12/14/00 alfred allen crapola 1 stars
12/13/00 DAQ42 Get stoned and fall asleep, it more entertaining. 1 stars
12/13/00 Joe Mama I would rather look at dry paint for 6 hours than watch this movie again 1 stars
12/13/00 Pelican WHAT A LOAD OF BIRD DROPPINGS! 1 stars
12/13/00 Nessus They needed to redirect some of the CG budget to hire a decent writer, and decent actors. 2 stars
12/12/00 spork-girl *cry* when did jeremy irons turned into a roast ham? 1 stars
12/12/00 Tony Soprano utter crap 1 stars
12/12/00 Hamlet3k Laughable, poorly written, horrendously acted shite. See it in the cheapie theater. 2 stars
12/12/00 mkillroy They would do a lot better not saving the world everytime 1 stars
12/11/00 Ground Zero laughbly stupid, makes EverQuest look like The Adventures of Sinbad 2 stars
12/11/00 k0rtez decent FX, crappy acting and script writing, see it as a rental when youre bored to tears. 2 stars
12/11/00 Noah Siegel I had such hopes, such high, high hopes. Dashed to pieces upon the rocks of Jeremy Irons. 2 stars
12/10/00 Z people in theater laffed at bad acting... 2 stars
12/10/00 The Lone Chihuahua Bill & Ted's Excellent D&D Adventure. (Insert lame air guitar). Nuff said. 1 stars
12/10/00 Sexton Hardcastle BO RING 1 stars
12/10/00 Wagnaard VILE DIALOG! Nausea inspiring actors 1 stars
12/10/00 Darren Shea Incredibly stupid, but occasionally fun 2 stars
12/10/00 reverend matt Worse than I thought it would be (and I thought it would suck). 1 stars
12/10/00 Matt Stockdale Yikes. Full on face shots take up the whole Movie. 2 stars
12/09/00 Rolla Constenero So much potential wasted. Good actors (except for the empress) misused. 2 stars
12/09/00 mig128 a good fun movie 4 stars
12/09/00 strider effects are good, but a good adventure just can't be cutdown to 2 hours. Story was weak 3 stars
12/09/00 BBSack You haven't seen overacting till you've seen Jeremy Irons. Movie is disappointing 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  08-Dec-2000

UK
  N/A

Australia
  18-Jan-2001 (M)




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