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Overall Rating

Awesome: 0%
Worth A Look: 17.65%
Average: 5.88%
Pretty Bad58.82%
Total Crap: 17.65%

1 review, 11 user ratings

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Bird on a Wire
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by Slyder

"Unfocused and ultimately dumb"
2 stars

After the success of Stakeout, director John Badham (Saturday Night Fever) thought he could mix suspense with comedy; the problem is, he doesn’t know how to do it, hence why this movie is almost total shit.

Rick Jarmin (Mel Gibson) is a star witness under the FBI’s witness protection program who thanks to his testimony managed to put several people in jail. Despite being relocated to another place, and given a new identity, his former flame Marianne Graves (Goldie Hawn) recognizes him. The problem is that one of the fucks he threw in jail Eugene Sorenson (David Carradine) has just been released and also has contacts in the FBI and finds out where Rick is. So when Rick escapes the ambush, he takes the totally puzzled Marianne with her into a runaway cat and mouse chase… and an incoherent one I must say.

It’s blatantly obvious that this film is nothing more than a North by Northwest rip-off only that this film succeeds in being actually dumber, stupider, and more nonsensical than the Hitchcock classic. The two are chased all over creation, by car, motorcycle, train and plane with the problem being that you just sit there and watch and try to make some sense of what in the blue fuck is going on. Badham tries to blend action and suspense into this already flawed baby but it all ends up looking as if he hasn’t got a damn clue of what he’s doing. The whole climax in the zoo is utter shit, and totally predictable.

Gibson’s comic antics which were effective in Lethal Weapon are utter shit here, and he passes off more like a moronic whiner. Goldie Hawn is so bitchy and clueless that she also ends up being a moronic whiner. The two morons whine and moan about each one’s private parts but at least have the decency of not SHOWING them… on second thought, I wish that Goldie took her stuff off instead of showering me with sexual innuendo and a shitload of cleavage. David Carradine adds another turkey in his resume and another disappointing performance; no wonder his career went nowhere. Bill Duke once again is typecast as a bad guy simply because he’s black and has a stone face, blah. Hell, Joan Severance is also here in a cameo as one of Rick’s former girlfriends, it would’ve been great had her, Mel and Goldie had a threesome, y’all know how Joan is.

In the end, this film is crap. Sure, it contains some good action scenes and some good though ultimately annoying Goldie Hawn cleavage but it isn’t enough to save this ultimately dull and stupid film from being the ultimately dull and stupid film that it is. 1.5-5

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originally posted: 10/31/04 07:53:40
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User Comments

11/03/11 KingNeutron It's a classic comedy - GH has great ass/legs in this! 4 stars
3/22/03 Jack Sommersby Gives Formula Action films a bad name. 1 stars
10/16/02 Charles Tatum I call a moratorium on films with Mel's bare ass 1 stars
1/27/02 Andrew Carden Other Then A Good Chase Scene, It's An Unfunny and Boring Comedy. 2 stars
12/06/01 KMG Sniff, smell that? IT'S SHIT!!!! 2 stars
10/29/01 Gary The most endearing, entertaining junk I've ever seen. Fantastic crap. 4 stars
8/08/01 Mr. Hat Pretty good. Kinda violent for a comedy, but pretty good. 3 stars
8/05/01 R.W. Welch So-so story line and mobody's trying very hard here. 2 stars
10/16/00 Dan A lot of fun, just watchable trash. Merits two stars for it's loud'n'proud stupidity. 2 stars
9/17/00 Djt528 Total Junk..The worst movie Mel Gibson has made so far. 1 stars
3/03/00 yankee good laughs, the zoo scene is a lot of fun. good entertainment 4 stars
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  02-May-1990 (PG-13)



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