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Overall Rating
1.52

Awesome: 2.27%
Worth A Look: 2.27%
Average: 13.64%
Pretty Bad: 9.09%
Total Crap72.73%

6 reviews, 96 user ratings


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Speed 2: Cruise Control
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by Chris Parry

"Without shadow of doubt, the worst film of all time. Made me mad."
1 stars

Speed was a great action movie, one of the best of the genre. So why is the sequel such an unadulterated pile of worm-infested puppy crap?

This movie is so bad.

How bad?

*SO!*

Words can't describe how truly awful this retarded mess is, but lord help me while I try to give you the general idea.

Maybe we should take the Speed 2 quiz.

Question 1: Let's imagine that you're on a ship and you want to take over the computers. How would you do it? Would you:

A: Sneak into the Captain's office late at night and crack his password
B: Pretend to be a crew member and sit at a crew terminal
C: Pretend to be a drunk, wander into the captain's deck and slap a remote control under the wooden desk that the computer sits on

Well of course the answer is C because we all know you only need to be near a computer and you can change the entire nation's satellite system. And download it onto a floppy disk.


Okay, Question 2: The all-concrete room you're in suddenly erupts into flames. (I don't know how either, but go with me) The fire doors slam shut locking you in with the flames (God bless fire safety). Your seductive friend can see you through the small window of the all-steel two inch thick fire doors that won't open. What does she do?

A: Notify someone in order to have the strangely designed doors opened.
B: Crack the glass and stick a hose through it with which you can put out the flames
C: Go to a linen closet, find a chainsaw (!) and proceed to saw through the two inch thick steel fire doors, thereby freeing you.

Well obviously the answer is C. Everybody knows that chainsaws are in abundance on a cruise ship, I mean, trees can come out of nowhere in the ocean. And everybody also knows they'll cut through two inch steel like paper. Duh!


Next, question 3: You want to sneak bombs onto a cruise ship. Do you:

A: Put them in your luggage
B: Strap them to your body
C: Put the detonators in the heads of the seventeen irons in your set of golf clubs, make the balls the bombs and have a member of the crew bring them on board for you

Again, obviously it's C. Nobody would think a set of golf clubs with seventeen irons was silly, especially irons that had LED displays on them.


Question 4: Mr Evil Guy is flying away on a seaplane with your woman. You're in the speedboat of a guy who's car you wrecked in Speed 1. Do you:

A: Get off this guy's boat before he sticks a knife in your gullet
B: Call the cops and notify them that a terrorist is on a seaplane with your girl
C: Find a fishing rod, hook the bottom of the seaplane, throw yourself in the water holding onto the fishing rod, reel yourself in to the plane as it takes off, beat the pilot up and make him fly into the mast of an oil tanker

Duh. It has to be C. Millions of tons of spilled oil is no reason to spoil a great day's fishing. And fishing line can tow a human body through the surf at seaplane speed. Duh.


Question 5: A lifeboat full of people is hanging precariously from the side of the ship. It could give way at any moment. Do you:

A: Roll the gangplank out and take the people off the lifeboat
B: Throw them a rope and pull them up one by one
C: Throw yourself onto the roof of the lifeboat like a he-man and then... well.. cling to the top as it swings about, people scream and.. well, that's it.

Obviously the answer here is to look as much like a hero as possible, even if it means killing everyone. C.


Question 6: The cruise ship you're on is out of control, taken over by terrorists. They tell you that if you jump off you'll be sucked into the boat's propellers. Do you:

A: Laugh at them for being total idiots and jump off anyway
B: Open the rear ship doors and walk off, past the propellers and at sea level
C: Believe them, even though it's the biggest load of donkey bollocks anyone has ever said to you

Well the answer here is C. And that's the problem. The entire movie is based on the idea that if you step off a cruise ship you'll be sucked under to a certain death.

You won't. It's wrong. Totally wrong in every way shape and form.

So how did you do on the quiz?
If all of your answers were C, congratulations! You qualify to not only see this movie, but enjoy the hell out of it, because you're a dullard. See a physchiatrist immediately, do not wear any belts or shoe-laces.

If one of your answers was C, you liked Batman And Robin too. It's not all over for you yet, but the brain needs a bit of shock therapy or you'll soon be selling pencils on a street corner and mumbling to yourself "that bus was just going too darn fast".

If you didn't answer C to any of these questions, you should see this movie. But make sure you're really drunk, have a bunch of buddies over and are screaming obscenities at the screen.

This movie is the biggest pile of dung ever put to screen. It made $14m opening week and $1.6m the second week. That's how bad it is. When I saw it at least twelve people walked out. When it ended, the manager was giving one of those guys his money back.

It was so bad, so stupid, so moronic, so.. FUCT.. that the only way to enjoy it was to laugh at the idiocies and wonder what the hell Sandra Bullock was thinking. May she be banished to movie hell for this unintriguing waste of time. Two of the people I saw this film with were big Bullock fans - they left remarking how much they now hated her.

Jan De Bont, well he should know better. And he should have to personally repay every cent paid by the folks who bought tickets in good faith to see something akin to the original Speed and instead got this crappy, tacky, rehashed money-grab.

I can just see Keanu saying "yeah, you thought I was stupid for doing Johnny Mnemonic and not Speed 2, but LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BIATCH! STUPID THIS, BULLOCK!"

The closing line (from Sandra Bullock) is "that bus was just going too darn fast". And that's just how bad this turd of a film is.

link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=368&reviewer=1
originally posted: 08/18/98 10:33:18
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User Comments

3/13/17 morris campbell TRASH AWFUL SEQUEL JUST TRASH 1 stars
1/01/10 Dane Youssef Like New Years Eve 1999, this is one of those events that lives up to all the hype. 1 stars
9/14/09 Jeff Wilder Worst movie ever? Not quite. One of the worst sequels? Yes 1 stars
1/28/08 Pamela White not as good as Speed but worth a look 4 stars
7/10/07 Total Crap This movie is a FUCKLOAD of SHIT in a wagon. Call it Speed? Was this director on drugs?! 1 stars
6/02/07 King If there is a graveyard for movie, this movie should go 6 feet under. Hold on maybe 12 feet 1 stars
2/14/07 johnnyfog Possibly the worst action film in existence. Destroy all copies 1 stars
2/06/07 Matt Goofball ending just about saves this turkey from sinking completely. 3 stars
1/13/07 Sepi53 not that bad 3 stars
11/25/06 David Pollastrini boring, dull, etc. 2 stars
5/29/06 inty it was fine 3 stars
2/26/06 Quigley wow, people. it wasn't THAT bad. sure, it was over-the-top and horribly acted, but geez! 3 stars
1/18/06 cody a okay follow up the action thriller speed, kinded like posedion adventure meets speed 3 stars
1/09/06 Jim ther is no such thing as a bad Sandra Bullock movie 5 stars
1/03/06 Anthony Feor In the end its just a wild crazy nap. It lacked everything the first one had 2 stars
11/16/05 nemeth all you people suck. this one is better than the first!!! 5 stars
8/21/05 FRankie the movie is fine 3 stars
8/17/05 ES hey I hated Speed just as much as this tanker 1 stars
7/11/05 Indrid Cold Everybody hates it because it sucks compared to Speed, but it's a decent actioner. 3 stars
5/26/05 tony this movie was pretty bad near the end. Kinda cheezy. But otherwise ok. rent this movie! 3 stars
5/25/05 Jake This movie Sucks Balls! 1 stars
5/02/05 Monster W. Kung I'd rather cut one of my balls and throw it out of the window than see this shit again. 1 stars
2/07/05 Jeff Anderson THIS DRECK GIVES SEQUELS A BAD, BAD NAME! Sad to say, Sandra's smoking hot, but bad in this 1 stars
12/20/04 WatsUp I hate Bullock. Soooo artificial 2 stars
12/10/04 tony this movie was a good sequel but the computer animation was a bit poor. 2 stars
12/10/04 Kristina Williams do I have to say it? 1 stars
9/28/04 X BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 1 stars
2/23/04 Whatevr worst sequel ever 1 stars
2/21/04 Denise Duspiva Speed + Repeat= Speed 2 3 stars
1/31/04 Liam McIntyre Suckfest of the century! 1 stars
1/16/04 Chris This movie is FINE. I don't know why we consider it one of the worst of all time. Fun. 4 stars
1/15/04 Betty White Dafoe is wildly amusing, but he can only do so much for his overlong, silly film. 3 stars
1/08/04 Jack Sommersby Lethargic and underwhelming. 1 stars
1/01/04 Charles Tatum One of the biggest disappointments I have ever witnessed 1 stars
12/21/03 Matt Okay, it sucked, but it was so bad it's good...! 3 stars
12/07/03 john one of the worst movies ever made - insulting to the paying audience 1 stars
10/15/03 DrSkyTower complete and utter shite, worst action flick I've ever seen 1 stars
8/06/03 omar "surfur" youssef No, Reeves isn't in this movie. I guess he actually saw the script. 1 stars
8/04/03 The Watcher I would rather have 20 root canals performed in a third world country by a blind guy 1 stars
7/04/03 T3 Sandra rocks, this movie sucks though. 2 stars
6/26/03 cochese Yuck 1 stars
6/04/03 Emma i think its good. for a 12 year old its action-packed:) 5 stars
4/24/03 GWB bad 1 stars
3/25/03 Jack Sommersby Gag me. 1 stars
3/18/03 Sean McLean I would rather be wafted a handful of farts after a chili contest then to have watched this 1 stars
3/13/03 R.W. Welch Completely unconvincing and a waste of good F/X money. 1 stars
3/13/03 Shadaan o.k ...they should have stopped with the first one. 2 stars
2/03/03 kz and to think the first one was so good 1 stars
1/21/03 Matt Thiel Mind numbing. The music score is pretty good, though. 1 stars
1/04/03 freewaygl hahahahahah who thought this one up? its so ridiculous its great!!! 4 stars
12/30/02 Fonq35 My ass could have written a better screenplay... THIS IS SHIT! 1 stars
12/12/02 NoRefill When the boat started crashing, I fell asleep, woke up later and it was still crashing. 1 stars
11/17/02 Nevz oh dear, oh dear. 1 stars
10/27/02 Matt Neopalitano ...and I originally thought Keanu screwed the pooch by not signing up for this. 1 stars
9/23/02 snowconehead Speed 2!!! Zippin along at 7 nauts per hour!!! Everybody walk!! walk for you lives!!!!!!! 1 stars
9/06/02 Chancey Thunderpants Damn, even a dumbass like Keanu stayed away from this turd. That says it all right there. 1 stars
8/02/02 I Can't Swim Dafoe has 'Body of Evidence', 'Spider-Man' & this on his resume..get a new agent dude! NOW! 1 stars
7/10/02 jerimiah big time ass sniffin' on a hot, humid summer day at the gym 1 stars
7/08/02 Girl 9 abandon ship captin...this one's full of shit! 1 stars
1/22/02 Some Guy I HATED THIS MOVIE!! SPEED I WAS WAY BETTER. IMO THEY COMPLETELY RUINED THE "SPEED" NAME! 2 stars
1/18/02 randy scott It stinks! The funny thing is though siskel and ebert gave it 2 thumbs up! NO LIE! 1 stars
8/09/01 E-Funk Jan De Bont: BURN IN HELL 1 stars
7/10/01 TLsmooth Will one of you guys do me a favor and poke my eyes out? 1 stars
5/03/01 Gracy Lionheart YAWN!!! Boring!!! 1 stars
3/12/01 Kellis The Rating Says it all. 2 stars
2/25/01 INCUBATOR Sux all ass + 1 ass more 1 stars
2/07/01 lisa Keanu had the right idea. 1 stars
1/09/01 Fernand The only good thing of the movie is CHRISTINE FIRKINS she is so beautiful. 1 stars
1/08/01 NoRefill I feel it is my duty (and everyone I know) to rate this as the worst film ever made. 1 stars
11/28/00 Cristopher Revilla Another pathetic fuckshit, i'd rather watch the original than this fucking garbage!!! 1 stars
9/16/00 Wafer Was the director kidding? 1 stars
6/28/00 Naushad Khanji Terrible sequel to a most brilliant film.Muddled script.Badly executed 1 stars
3/22/00 Lame-Oh Speed 2: starring that no talent scumbutt Sandra Bullock. Ugh. 1 stars
1/14/00 Croweater Arguably THE worst film of the 90's, starring the worlds most sickening/purile actress. 1 stars
1/12/00 dr.d AWFUL!!! 1 stars
10/20/99 Tony Daquano Suck it out my ass 1 stars
10/05/99 rob Silly, but still entertaining. 3 stars
8/26/99 Azimat I NEVER HATED SANDRA BULLOCK SOO MUCH AFTER WATCHING THIS!!! 1 stars
6/03/99 lucas jackson this movie was so bad it made the first movie look good 2 stars
5/27/99 GothamDK Please no more! No Keanu is the only blessing. Sandra gets the only 2 stars. 2 stars
1/19/99 Chronically hip A nightmare. The guy below is on crack. Worthless in every way. Nauseating. 1 stars
1/16/99 Dasha Why this movie was ever made? 1 stars
12/13/98 Binky An unmitigated disgrace. 1 stars
11/27/98 Mr.Pink God! I almost started to miss Keanu! 1 stars
11/18/98 MinxxDaShorty the first one was shit, the second one speaks for itself!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 1 stars
11/05/98 Lord Of The Dunce Bullock is named correctly. She is a large working cow. This movie was the pits all through 1 stars
11/02/98 MR HOLLYWOOD !! Tedious and Coma-like, YES i know, BUT i cant stop drooling over Sandra Bullock,YUMMY!!! 2 stars
10/18/98 Kwyjibo A disgracefully stupid, moronic, pathetic, hopeless film. De Bont should be blacklisted. 1 stars
10/13/98 jym possibly the worst movie ever 1 stars
10/09/98 Blake Sandra Bullock rules, but the movie blows. 2 stars
9/05/98 Kid Pee-Pee I had to leave. I couldn't stomach the camera shaking anymore. I was nauseous. Disgraceful. 1 stars
9/04/98 Scott Taylor I couldn't stop giggling in the theater. People were looking at me. "The humanity!" 1 stars
8/25/98 The Capital City Goofball The producers clearly assumed we have no intellect. Made me very angry. Utter shit. 1 stars
8/21/98 Mike F I like crappy films. but please. 1 stars
8/21/98 Pete A pox on the house of everyone involved. I wanted to poke out my eyes with a spoon. 1 stars
8/19/98 Johny I couldn't even get through it on HBO during a rainy day 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  13-Jun-1997 (PG-13)
  DVD: 30-Jul-2002

UK
  N/A

Australia
  25-Sep-1997 (M)




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