Overall Rating
  Awesome: 6.98%
Worth A Look: 2.33%
Average: 20.93%
Pretty Bad: 43.02%
Total Crap: 26.74%
6 reviews, 50 user ratings
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| Along Came a Spider |
by Scott Weinberg
"A revolutionary new TV movie that delivers its scenes in random order."
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Are there people out there who listen to the exact same music every day? Same CD, same order, same songs, every day. I'd like to think that such people don't exist, but apparently they do. They're the same people who go see movies like Along Came a Spider and recommend it to other people.Forget other movies. If you've ever flipped channels on your remote for longer than 17 minutes, then you've already seen this movie. It's startling to see films that are advertised as "new", yet are fully comprised of scenes from other movies. If you're telling the exact same story, it's called a remake. If you remake random scenes and then mush 'em together, I guess that's called a screenplay.
I'm almost positive that Along Came a Spider is a remake of episode 104 of Quincy, mixed in with half a dozen of those red herring buffets that pass for plot in modern "thrillers". If you can find one logical plot thread or sensible character motivation, the congratulations; you accidentally rented the wrong movie.
The plot is about a kidnapping. Period. As is often the case in a kidnapping, we are presented with three forces: Abductor, victim, lawman. One raves and slobbers, one cowers and whimpers, one hunts and sweats. If my descriptions seem a bit bland, then you're beginning to understand what this screenplay is like.
Reprising his role from the slightly less vapid Kiss the Girls is Morgan Freeman, who somehow manages to keep viewers from slipping into coma simply by sheer force of screen presence. The words might sound silly, but Morgan Freeman is always worth listening to. As his googly-eyed hardbody Secret Service Agent partner, we have Monica Potter (Head Over Heels), who is not related to Julia Roberts despite having the exact same face. Michael Wincott (The Crow) shows up for a few scenes as (get this) a raving psycho. Quite a stretch for Mike, as he plays slobbering villains more often than Tim Roth plays femmy villains. Penelope Ann Miller (The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag) appears as a politician's wife, firmly announcing that her sexy days are well behind her.
The first two-thirds of Along Came a Spider play out like the world's oldest TV movie, but you won't believe the insanity that goes on in Act III. Obviously under the impression that their audience lacks the common sense of a kiwi, the filmmakers present a 1-2-3 punch of inescapably insipid plot twists. It's as if the characters' names were simply thrown into a hat, and the first one drawn has to get shot or become a bad guy, logic be damned.
Based on a novel that could be read over three lengthy trips to the toilet, Along Came a Spider manages to make its source material look like the finest novel ever written. Written by popular author James Patterson, Along Came a Spider had a built-in audience that had already proven itself rather undemanding, as it had already made James Patterson a millionaire. Of somewhat interesting note is the director Lee Tamahori. His debut was the explosive Once Were Warriors and since "going Hollywood" has given audiences Mulholland Falls, The Edge and now this stinkbomb. There's a great example of what Hollywood can do to promising young directors: They turn them into bland and lifeless tripod holders.That this film managed to gross about $75 millon in U.S. box office is a testament to the undemanding tastes of American moviegoers. With its well publicized 'reshot ending' and the overpowering reek of familiarity, this movie was a dud primed for a quick B.O. death, yet audiences still lined up, thereby ensuring another wave of lazy and familiar tripe.
link directly to this review at https://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=4344&reviewer=128
originally posted: 11/25/01 15:29:56
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USA
06-Apr-2001 (R)
UK
N/A
Australia
16-Aug-2001 (M)
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