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Overall Rating

Worth A Look: 25.18%
Average: 17.02%
Pretty Bad: 19.5%
Total Crap: 8.51%

11 reviews, 216 user ratings

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Mummy Returns, The
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by Chris Parry

"Or as I prefer to call it... The Mummy Retards."
2 stars

The family that slays together stays together. When the Indiana Jones franchise started wearing thin on ideas, the producers opened the ‘formula book’ and found a trusty old rule borrowed liberally by sitcoms over the years. It read “when you have noting more to say, add a small child or crusty old relative to the mix to shake things up. See Diff’rent Strokes, Cosby Show.” Of course, they always neglect to read the last sentence – the one that goes, “Warning: Use of this tool indicates the inevitable end of your show. See Diff’rent Strokes, Cosby Show.” The makers of The Mummy Returns have embraced this tactic wholeheartedly, moving their leads from a romantic twosome to a long married couple with an eight-year-old son (who looks nothing like them). Unfortunately, though this ploy adds a tiny line of humor to an otherwise predictable mix, it’s important to remember that covering a fat turd in frosting sugar may make the first lick palatable, but it still leaves you with a nasty aftertaste and corn stuck between your teeth when you tuck into the rest.

You think that paragraph was tasteless? Well, you didn’t have to watch the movie.

This is usually where I’d put a paragraph briefly outlining the set-up of the storyline. Only with the Mummy Returns, there’s no storyline to really speak of. Oh sure, there’s a vague attempt at storyline, but it’s the cinematic equivalent of a crayon drawing done by your kid cousin who got dropped on his face when he was three and hasn’t been the same since.

Brendan ‘Bend-Me’ Fraser is a talentless goon. In Encino Man he was just fine. Of course, in Encino Man he was playing a hulking man-beast who scrubbed up okay and got to grunt a lot. In every film since he’s played a hulking man-beast who scrubs up okay and gets to grunt a lot. He’s essentially Keanu Reeves without Keanu’s 57 varieties of the word “whoa”. He’s a coffee table. He stands there, looks pretty and essentially holds stuff – but if he weren’t there you wouldn’t lose a lot.

Rachel Weisz has a ‘Z’ in her name. That’s about where the interest level ends.

Freddie Boath plays the aforementioned ‘kid’ – essentially Harry Potter, only fatter and less speccy. He’s actually pretty good and manages to throw out a few nice laughs. But while this is a nice change from the slash n’bash, no script fare of the rest of the film, it only serves to shine a bright spotlight on the lack of ability that Fraser and Weisz seem to possess.

John Hannah returns as Jon, the idiot man-child, which is a shame. Imagine seeing James Earl Jones playing sidekick to Martin Lawrence, or Anthony Hopkins taking a role in an SNL film. Not that John Hannah is an acting icon, but he is a solid dramatic actor whose previous roles have almost uniformly come in intense drama or intelligent comedy. Watching him ponce around as a wacky English sidekick makes you feel like smacking him upside the head and asking if he really wants his future career to comprise of pratfalls and “Ooh-er, Vicar” dialogue.

Essentially, this isn’t a film. It’s not a movie. It’s special effects with just enough story and dialogue around it to allow it to pass as something vaguely cinematic. There’s no thrills, especially if your suspension of disbelief tolerance is low, no real plot, above the level of “thugs steal artifacts to bring dead mummy back to life which will end the world” and if the musical score was any worse it would be a comedy by itself. When one of your lead characters is dying, why play an evil “here comes the battle” score that sounds like it should be running over the image of a rolling vista and millions of soldiers preparing for batlle? And why, in the next scene (which probably should have had a battle score since it includes a fight), do they play a long slow romantic score that sounds like the two protagonists are about to snog? Is anyone at the wheel of this unholy mess?

Oddest of all is the inclusion of wrestling champeen, The Rock, as the Scorpion King. I mean, you could understand this tie-in if they actually showed his face or used his voice! Instead all we get is a computer animation of him with big snapping claws and a series of roars. It seems yon Rock so impressed the producers that he’s getting his own flick next time around – though you have to wonder if it’s worth giving him a couple of million just to use his name and computer modeled face. Use mine instead! You can have it for $13.95 and a bucket of wings. Swear.

The Mummy Returns could seriously have been a great flick if the sort of effort was put into the script as was put into the way it looks. Certainly, the special effects come off looking great. No argument there, but saying it’s a satisfying movie because of that is kind of like saying that Red Corner was a great movie because the bits in China looked a lot like China. You need more, kids. You need a screenplay. You need great acting. You need a story that isn’t full of plot-holes and easy answers. You need a point to it all or it’s just a not-so-scary campfire story that costs a boatload of cash to put together.

If you’re easily pleased and think flicks like The Fast And The Furious and Swordfish are ‘great movies’, then by all means check out this caper. But allow me to ask you one thing before you do.

Are a bunch of pretty pictures and flashing lights really all you expect for a $10 movie ticket?

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originally posted: 08/26/01 09:19:40
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User Comments

12/05/17 morris campbell better than the original 3 stars
11/21/11 cr a good sequel with The Rock as the scorpin king, great effects and action scenes. 4 stars
5/15/11 stephen nettles Entertaining 3 stars
12/26/09 Jeff Wilder Sorry Brendan. We already have an Indiana Jones. 2 stars
10/25/09 BadGirl91 The novelty in our framework is that it establishes a particular hierarchy in goods space t 2 stars
10/25/09 Sad15 Jettisoning the idea Ratner has a monopoly on development in the area opens up crucial poss 2 stars
10/24/09 Roy64 ARCHITECTURE which, although not expressly informing ideas of inhabitation, results in an e 2 stars
10/24/09 GanjaBoy59 But any possibility of gradually infecting the human race with unwanted latent mutation 5 stars
10/24/09 His_wife27 Needless to say, there are many phenomena that are ignored, such as the ubiquity of hyperbo 4 stars
10/23/09 Bob11 If you've never tried Proust's questionnaire for an artist try it out and save a copy of yo 5 stars
10/23/09 Merlin37 Competing interests and eco- nomic need also tend to lead young people to engage in activit 2 stars
10/23/09 JXL87 This post is extremely dissapointing and backward. , 4 stars
10/23/09 Pol62 Figure 8 shows a repre' sentative scatter plot. , 2 stars
10/23/09 No_limits11 So, that can be your opinion. , 5 stars
10/23/09 Stinky70 Moleksine, lots and lots of words, though occasionally a sketch will sneak in. , 4 stars
10/22/09 Merlin65 And what are the effects of various governmental controls? , 4 stars
10/13/09 Roy36 What does this all mean? , 3 stars
10/13/09 nRnKhHLljTI doors.txt;10;15 4 stars
10/11/09 Kelvin40 Julius Nam's paper is available on his website. , 5 stars
9/21/09 Even when the chemist handles a very complicated molecule in vitro he is always faced w 4 stars
9/15/09 gqpmrAeT doors.txt;10;15 5 stars
6/20/09 vijay it is cool 5 stars
1/14/09 Anonymous. too much action, it's boring... 2 stars
10/25/08 John Smith Wow. The reviewer gives this shitty sequel a 5/5 while he gives American History X a 1/5... 1 stars
9/16/08 Ravenwest The Best. 5 stars
8/11/08 Jon G Another Cheesy Action movie....Nooooooo! 1 stars
8/08/08 Jerome C. Dork Brown or whoever wrote this embarrasment of a critique, is a duchebag!! die slow!! 5 stars
8/07/08 Shaun Wallner This movie was Awesome!! Loved It. 5 stars
3/06/07 Donny M Enjoyable. First one better. 3 stars
2/16/07 Vip Ebriega Fast-moving, edge-of-your-seat horror/adventure yarn. 4 stars
1/17/07 del Even WORSE than the first!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
1/10/07 David Pollastrini great fx 3 stars
11/07/06 kumkum very nice 5 stars
11/02/06 Angelscarab Many bad critics need to learn to shut up! I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!! 5 stars
10/23/06 vivek the most exciting movie ever 5 stars
6/25/06 MP Bartley The first was huge fun. This is smug, contrived mugging to the camera. 2 stars
3/31/06 Casee Miranda One of the best movies known to the world! 5 stars
11/27/05 cr a good sequel with even better visual effects and cool action and adventure 4 stars
8/23/05 Quigley i hate this movie. brendan fraser sucks at acting. the CG was lame. i hate this movie. 1 stars
8/20/05 ES Has been such bad effects for an end monster since Goro in Mortal Combat 2 stars
7/22/05 tony not as good as the first one.but still has its moments.Very Good everything! 5 stars
3/01/05 Jeanette T. Like a comic book come to life -- silly, yes, but fun! 5 stars
12/09/04 Kristina Williams the CGI looked like a Nintendo game 2 stars
11/09/04 Jason this is a pretty shitty film and 2 computer generated 2 stars
10/14/04 john bale As silly and as much fun as the Saturday Arvo Serials, and with better SFX too. 3 stars
10/05/04 vinasy nice 5 stars
8/27/04 American Slasher Goddess Passable, but nothing more 3 stars
8/05/04 Stefan Halka OK time-waster. Just don't expect anything deep (i.e. thin plot). 3 stars
6/03/04 Daveman While the franchise hasn't yet sunk to the dispiriting lows of SK it's well on its way here 2 stars
6/02/04 mr. me staaaaaaaaay stay away!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
5/16/04 KRG1 What a disaster of a movie...No sequel was needed... Don't watch this trash 1 stars
2/28/04 DM Writing is shit, plot is contrived, acting sucks, F/X must be out of a computer game 1 stars
2/19/04 Monster W. Kung Decent action/comedy put down by some of the worst special effects EVER PUT ON FILM. 2 stars
2/10/04 Dr.Lecter So idiotic, makes the 1st look like Lawrence of Arabia 1 stars
1/16/04 Samuel second-rate retread of the first one 2 stars
1/04/04 Claudia Chronic Masturbatorbelow, you suck ass.Theyd rather chomp than suck it bitch! AGBEJE ROCKS! 5 stars
12/30/03 Littlepurch Not as good as the first but still enjoyable. 4 stars
11/30/03 john indeed it returns and it should have stayed where it was 1 stars
9/13/03 Gray liked it better than the 1st one not realist but fun 4 stars
8/27/03 Leanne *Best* film in the entire world - anyone doesn't like it ? Then piss off! Rachel Weisz and 5 stars
4/29/03 Dave Good production values, good for a laugh, much better than the Scorpion King. 3 stars
4/19/03 Ubu the Ripper Weisz is much less annoying in this sequel, but Fraser still makes a lousy lead man. 3 stars
2/06/03 Brian Jacobson the most underrated move of the decade-earned every cent it made. 5 stars
10/24/02 Interrog8 Blah, didn't come close to the original, but it was okay. "This place... is cursed!" 3 stars
9/27/02 John McNew A cheesy, second-rate retread of the first one 2 stars
9/04/02 The Chronic Mastubator Brendan Frasier is an annoying fuck! This movie chomps on ass! 1 stars
8/20/02 Kino pretty good effects... silly plot... hot fight between 2 egyptian chicks.... shitty movie.. 2 stars
7/28/02 Sean Rhodes Oh dear. A plot free- CGI procession of its entertaining prequel. 1 stars
6/13/02 Cat Great film fun to watch and it beat the fuck out of pearl harbour ya stupid"movie expert" 4 stars
4/28/02 Brian Jacobson it was awesome. best movie of the summer 5 stars
4/21/02 Film Guy KICK ass action flick. a little bit better than the first 5 stars
4/13/02 Movie Expert One of the worst movies of 2001, makes Pearl Harbor look good. 1 stars
4/06/02 Junshi I got extremely bored, it was corny cliched, had absolutely nothing interesting. 1 stars
3/28/02 NeuroManson Durrrr, lets all like a movie because our friends liked it, then suck the MPAA's cock again 5 stars
3/02/02 Alan Smithee Some of the worst CGI effects that I've ever seen. The movie looks unfinished. 1 stars
2/21/02 Bruce Action packed sequel that is better than the first 5 stars
2/20/02 Xaver Better than the original. Fun to watch. Some good solid jokes. 5 stars
2/18/02 I love movies wonderful sequel, surpasses the first film! 4 stars
1/28/02 Anck-Su-Namun why did anck-su-namun laeve at the end??? 5 stars
1/16/02 David A. Pitiful--it stank worse than a pile of cat barf. A BEEEG disappointment! 1 stars
1/06/02 slipperyK bad lynds, story, poor adventure i am the god of adventure stuff 2 stars
1/03/02 RSR This just getting better and better... 5 stars
12/21/01 Mister Char Good wholesome entertainment. This was better than the first one! 5 stars
11/19/01 Shams Huque Nice entertainment, but nothing special. 3 stars
11/02/01 KaiKai Spent NT$200 watching a new kind of "Indiana Jones"!!!! 1 stars
10/31/01 Sumixam Outdoes the first one in every way, non-stop action from start to finish 5 stars
10/29/01 Paul The Special Effects are excellent and lots of non-stop action. Superb. 5 stars
10/20/01 soelsen loved it...who couldnt with a hot man like brandon fraziser in it!!! 5 stars
10/02/01 Kirk I loved the first one. This one is lacking a bit, but the special effects are still cool. 4 stars
10/02/01 Phoenix Even better than the first one, and that one was excellent. 5 stars
10/01/01 Shane Robert Myers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bigger, better and bader then the first one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
10/01/01 Mohammad J. It's like getting hit on the head by midgets with mallets for 2 hours. 1 stars
9/26/01 Just a couple of girls. The Rock is so hot in this. And we would've given this movie a 10! 5 stars
9/23/01 Jim Rips off: Gremlins, Jurassic Park III, Titanic, Last Crusade, Congo, Clash of the Titans... 2 stars
9/23/01 Larry Smith Fraser and Weisz.... they did good! 4 stars
9/07/01 Brian Jacobson exciting, emotional and suspensful! 5 stars
8/30/01 Critic It was way better than The Mummy (at least) 4 stars
8/28/01 Anna I loved it, pure fun escapism. 5 stars
8/19/01 Dr. Thompson its a saturday morning cartoon, except less mature 2 stars
8/19/01 Matthew Bartley It's the Temple Of Doom to the firsts Raiders. ie frenetic pace lacking in story 4 stars
8/06/01 Ciji Action, Action, Action - and a married couple imuch in love! 5 stars
7/30/01 Ro Sho Great pace is mixed in with boring story and terrible special effects. 3 stars
7/30/01 Bob jones the 1st one being better, they just redid everything and made it louder. 2 stars
7/27/01 G. Salter exiting action adventure with the right mix of action and plot 5 stars
7/26/01 Beethoven Brendan Laochuazon I like it very much 5 stars
7/18/01 Noel Denzil Fernandez the best special effects I have ever seen 5 stars
7/17/01 Lindsey Barton Good acting 5 stars
7/15/01 officer 412/l noisy,cheesy crap with nothing interesting to say. 2 stars
7/15/01 Ami Laochuazon I like this movie 5 stars
7/12/01 roby lafon more action than the first 5 stars
7/10/01 Roy Smith I'd give a dollar to lick Rachael Weisz' belly button. 5 stars
7/10/01 Anne Okay, not the world's most intellectual movie outing...but great fun. 4 stars
7/07/01 Simeon Briggs Thorough poo. Terribly boring, cheesy, rotting, did i mention boring? 1 stars
7/07/01 Chris Kool I think it was one of the coolest movies I ever seen 5 stars
6/29/01 Geebo Long, arid, first was better, I didn't like it. 2 stars
6/27/01 Mariya It was AWESOME! I haven't watched the 1st Mummy, but I know I love the 2nd one better! 5 stars
6/25/01 Sharon D. Navas Rivera I have seen it 5 times and i always find it awesome, Rachel was greater in this part II 5 stars
6/21/01 YelloMiata@AOL.COM Worth a look just for the cleavage! 4 stars
6/21/01 Muhammad Adeel Good 4 stars
6/19/01 Daniella Armstrong I really enjoyed it, i feel the sequal was just as good as the first one! 5 stars
6/17/01 DrLauraIsABitch (Doo dah, doo dah) Stupid, campy, forgettable, boring. 2 stars
6/11/01 Marika EXCELENT! 5 stars
6/10/01 Bethany I LOOOOOOVE this movie. Ank-Sunamun is the bomb!!! 5 stars
6/09/01 Chris Nitchie Lots of fun 5 stars
6/06/01 Loren I enyoyed every minute of it. It was better than the first. 5 stars
6/06/01 stella love the special effects.. saw it twice just for the special effects 4 stars
6/06/01 Muad'Dib A better than adequate sequel, but not as good as the original 4 stars
6/05/01 jac russell Exciting and speedy 4 stars
6/05/01 Maso Fast furious fun 4 stars
6/05/01 Matthew Bartley Harmless,stupid fun 4 stars
6/05/01 fran absolutly excellent i dont no how anyone can put this movie down i thought it was ace!! 5 stars
6/04/01 Chris Rixon While not as clean-cut and fresh as the original, "The Mummy Returns" was fun to watch. 4 stars
6/04/01 Andrew Deikun Great special effects/action movie. Totally unoriginal, contrived plot. A lot of fun! 3 stars
6/04/01 John Y If you're looking for brainless excitement and lots of special effects, this is your movie! 3 stars
6/03/01 dom_s cool effects, lots of atmosphere, vosloo half-naked=awesome, midol ms Ash? 5 stars
6/03/01 voyant Even better than the first... a fantastic escape movie. 5 stars
6/02/01 T-Bone Perfect example of "too many special effects". Where was the plot??? 2 stars
6/02/01 G-MAN The Rock didn't have a big part. THANK GOD! 5 stars
6/01/01 Dhrumin Patel its the best movie ever seen 5 stars
5/31/01 Janine Lay, RN This movie was so boring, so fake looking, and I agree with the critic. 2 stars
5/30/01 gloria edge of your seat action. who cares about a plot. worth seeing. 4 stars
5/30/01 ABDULLA MOHD GO SEE IT 4 stars
5/29/01 Andy Meakin SACK OF SHITE!! AWFUL FILM! 1 stars
5/28/01 HamunapterasTrick WOW_____________*speachless* 5 stars
5/28/01 Connor Dueck much like the mummy, but less story and more action. 4 stars
5/27/01 TigerShark I usually don't like spoof action films, but for some reason, I liked this one 5 stars
5/26/01 Öykü Alanbay first film was really better! 4 stars
5/26/01 ALEXIS I thought it was better than the first Anck Su Namun kicks major ass =] 5 stars
5/25/01 Pheobe Halliwell I loved the first movie & couldn't wait 2 see the 2nd 1. Both movies r my favourite movies. 5 stars
5/25/01 SlamRipley When will people see that Brendan Fraser is a terrible actor? 2 stars
5/25/01 Genie Well, it was a fun movie. I had a really good time. 5 stars
5/24/01 Xx-Bull-xX It's rare when a sequel is better than the original. This does it! 5 stars
5/24/01 Yurixan Trujillo It is a great movie 5 stars
5/24/01 zeitgeist more junk food for america's brain 2 stars
5/24/01 Yashika Knight THE ROCK was awesome in that movie, so so was branden Fraiser. I he's a great success.s 5 stars
5/24/01 malcolm a fun ride, that's all 3 stars
5/23/01 Danny it was good (The guy who took the Rock's soul in the beginning was Osiris) 4 stars
5/22/01 Damion Amazing movie. Better than the first. Tones of action and entertaining all the way through. 5 stars
5/22/01 krowdsurf I knew this was gonna suck yet I saw it anyway. Terrible movies but awesome trailers. 1 stars
5/21/01 cinkcool Very good action 5 stars
5/20/01 Perry Ferrel acting was pretty atrocious, plot was meh. 2 stars
5/20/01 fifu horrible watch the first one instead only some good parts to it 2 stars
5/17/01 Samanthe McGreeney Amazing can't wait t'ill part 3 5 stars
5/15/01 TA Henderson Warmed over Rehash of The Mummy 1 stars
5/14/01 ANGEL The Mummy Returns was a 10 better than the first. The ROCK played a great Scorpion King 5 stars
5/13/01 Pete Wrigley FX not that good. Why's the Rock look so shitty as a scorpion? Dancing babies, anyone? 2 stars
5/12/01 Onyx Enjoyed it, was lotsa fun but not as good as the first one 4 stars
5/12/01 Sebastien The Rock can lay the smack down, but he can't act!! Great directing, but too much mythology 3 stars
5/12/01 viking too much emphasis on special effects, not enough plot 3 stars
5/12/01 The Moorhen Can you smell how much The Rock's acting STINKS? Good movie apart from that moron. 4 stars
5/12/01 The Bomb 69 basically the first one with better FX, plot holes the size of Texas 4 stars
5/12/01 smashmouth I've ridden amusement park rides that had more plot 1 stars
5/12/01 vrs A big disappoint - all affects no story 2 stars
5/12/01 wolvie The Mummy returns is pretty cool, good story, but LOSE THE ROCK! He SUCKS!!! 4 stars
5/11/01 otis good 4 stars
5/11/01 Morgan Cranny Good strictly because it is fun to watch and the effects are great. 4 stars
5/10/01 John Jurik Better than the first (which was good). Entire family enjoyed this. 5 stars
5/10/01 hey, PEz wtf is the Rock doing in this movie 4 stars
5/10/01 Christian Fabian It's a BIG RIDE hang on to your seat. 4 stars
5/09/01 john eh 3 stars
5/09/01 Billy Barfo Not that good, but what did you expect? Too many fake CGI effects. 3 stars
5/09/01 Sherry Tons of action, lots of fun 4 stars
5/09/01 Barb C Terrific Action! Would see it again! 5 stars
5/09/01 trish marr Very disappointing/animation sucked/no imagination/only rehash/fairytail storyline/too bad 3 stars
5/09/01 N. Tillman No story, special effects are a minor enhancement. 2 stars
5/08/01 Captain Highcrime Yes, you too can create a movie finale on a PlayStation... 2 stars
5/08/01 Randal Graves Hey you know what 70 million its first 3 days doesnt lie. Good film lousy reviewers 5 stars
5/08/01 BIGWHEAT very entertaining, action-packed. worth a trip to the theaters. 4 stars
5/08/01 Suzan Not as good as the first one, wait until it comes out on video! 2 stars
5/08/01 CGS Not as good as the original. Wait for cable. 3 stars
5/08/01 Rampage Some very nice FX, but the premise is still laughably lame and weak 3 stars
5/08/01 Triumph, the Insult Comic I poop on Tia! See it in the theaters! IT's better that way! 5 stars
5/08/01 Xalt Woohoo! Action, excitement, and fun. They'll never top this. See it on the big screen. 4 stars
5/08/01 Lisa Martincik Boring! At least 1/2 hour too long. 2 stars
5/08/01 Greyjack Cool CGI and action. Too bad they forgot an actual coherent plot. 2 stars
5/08/01 fuck the bozos this movie sucks my badly computer-generated cock! 1 stars
5/08/01 mkillroy If you enjoyed the first, you'll love the second 5 stars
5/07/01 Kevin Clendening Don't nitpick the flaws and enjoy it for what it is, an ass load of fun. 4 stars
5/07/01 studmaster The story makes no sense/idiotic. Still worth seeing though! 4 stars
5/07/01 tia not EVEN as good as the first, wait for dvd to rent 2 stars
5/07/01 TheRock All action. no plot. yet it works! 4 stars
5/07/01 Shawn Non-stop action, sit back and enjoy. 4 stars
5/07/01 Jules better than the first! 4 stars
5/07/01 Porkchop It's definitely worth watching!!! 5 stars
5/07/01 Barbara The Best Movie ever!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
5/07/01 Lisa Argabright I liked this movie. I was thoroughly entertained by it and found no reason to nitpick. 4 stars
5/07/01 Anndra Dunnahoo It was fun, action packed and hilarious! 5 stars
5/06/01 DREDD good fun action, you can't take it to seriously, but worth seeing 4 stars
5/06/01 passport action packed movie,not as good a story line as #1 4 stars
5/06/01 Roy Smith Frazier is funny, Weisz is sexy, CGI is totally cool! Finally a good movie. 4 stars
5/06/01 Drixorial alot of fun, same toungue in cheek, cheesy action romp like the first one!..I loved it! 4 stars
5/06/01 Alyssa It never claimed to be more than it is. A fun watch, nonetheless. 4 stars
5/05/01 Gary movie man is the best reviewer, he should direct his own movies 5 stars
5/03/01 rue the whirl The rock was robbed! I was underwhelmed with this pic. 3 stars
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  04-May-2001 (PG-13)
  DVD: 29-Nov-2005


  10-May-2001 (M)

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