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Overall Rating

Awesome: 14.07%
Worth A Look: 13.33%
Average: 6.67%
Pretty Bad: 22.22%
Total Crap43.7%

4 reviews, 111 user ratings

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13 Ghosts (2001)
[] Buy posters from this movie
by Brian McKay

"Thirteen things I would rather do before sitting through this shit again:"
1 stars

Thirteen things I would rather do before sitting through this shit again: (In no particular order, mind you)

1)Have my temperature taken with a rectal thermometer that’s been slathered with a marinade of Worstershire, iodine, rubbing alcohol, and Crazy Jerry’s Brain Damage Hot Sauce.

2)Get my upper lip, right nipple, left nutsack, and lower sphincter pierced with rusty oversized safety pins and strung together with barbed wire.

3)Have a foursome with Rosie, Oprah, and a Honey-Baked Ham.

4)Be strapped to a chair with clamps holding my eyes open and forced to watch a 24 hour marathon of original WB programming (without the relief of commercials).

5)enema-induced waterfights.

6)Be stuck in an elevator with Chevy Chase, Carrot Top, and Yahoo Serious when they decide to have the "who's the funniest guy stuck in the elevator" contest.

7)Walk through Compton wearing a NEGROS SUCK T-shirt and an oversized foam hand with extended middle finger.

8)Have Johnny Knoxville push me down a Slip 'n Slide that has been lubricated with wino urine and ends in a sandbox full of salt and razor blades.

9)Body Shots off of the third fold in Kathy Bates' armpit.

10)Perform liposuction on my own ass with a pen knife and Super Silly Straw.

11)Sweat Mopper, Meat Loaf world tour 2003.

12)Take F. Murray Abraham's oscar and smash Matthew Lillard in the face with it.

13)Pink torpedo Shannon Elizabeth's vocal chords until speaking roles are no longer an option

(Re: #'s 12 and 13 - not everything on the list need be unpleasant).

It's one thing when you sit down to watch a movie expecting it to suck. But when it can't even live up to the level of suckiness you were expecting of it, you know you've got a real turd on your hands.

The plot is so thin and inconsequential, it's not ever worth discussing. I can sum it up in one sentence: Stupid people in big dumb glass house run from lame-looking ghosts. Emphasis on lame looking. I've seen ghosts on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" that scared me more. Hell, the haggard way Sarah Michelle Gellar looked on "Buffy" the other night scared me more. The only one of the bunch who is even remotely creepy looking is the dead naked cut-up girl ghost, who looks like something out of a Rob Zombie video.

This plodding mess is everything that's wrong with movies in general and horror movies in particular. Like the huge glass house that serves as its centerpiece, the film is shiny, sterile, bland, vacuous, and completely pointless. The only thing remotely interesting on the entire DVD is in the special features section, where a "biography" is provided for each of the ghosts, which turn out to be much more interesting than the ghosts themselves. Well, not that much more.

F. Murray Abraham should hand back his Oscar for even coming anywhere near this cinematic landfill. Matthew Lillard is a fucking hack, has always been a hack, and will always be a hack who hasn't done a goddamn decent movie since SLC Punk and whose career milestone has been portraying a stoned cartoon character with a talking dog. Tony Shaloub is goddamn lucky to have landed that Monk show, or any other paying gig, after being involved in this debacle. As for Shannon Elizabeth - Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but nobody wants to see you unless you're getting nekkid. Good actresses can keep their clothes on. You don't have that luxury. See, if you were a good actress, your character probably wouldn't be all smiley and perky in every fucking scene, considering the fact that her mom supposedly just burned to death in a house fire six months earlier. And while it's nice to see Embeth Davidtz getting work again (she played the medeival hottie opposite Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness), her character is the most useless of the bunch.

Maybe it wasn't all their fault. There is some truth to the saying that an actor is only as good as their script. And really, what was I expecting from a remake of a lame 1950's gimmick movie anyway? And why the fuck would ghosts be afraid of ROAD FLARES?

This movie should have been called "13 Choads". It chugs my cock all the way down to the furry nads, and guzzles my lumpy love chowder.

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originally posted: 09/27/02 05:03:15
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User Comments

9/14/17 morris campbell passable 3 stars
7/20/17 Mark Louis Baumgart Good design, special effects, make-up, & monsters. Good violent fun for the family. 4 stars
8/14/16 David Hollingsworth A complete waste of a good plot. 1 stars
1/17/15 Lucy C. I think this is a decent horror movie. It set up a sense of foreboding and dread, IMO 4 stars
4/19/12 Sheryl Granholm Vomit Fest. 2 stars
8/01/10 Elizabeth Perfect for late night tv! It was so bad that it was so good! 4 stars
12/26/09 Chad Dillon Cooper Hollywood vomits this out= teens eat it up. 1 stars
12/20/09 FrankNFurter Poor people have nannies? And that's just the mildest of the plot holes.Cool ghosts,though. 2 stars
9/20/09 Jakob Pure unadulterated CRAP! 1 stars
5/11/09 WhenDarknessFalls some nice visual effects, but otherwise a throwaway and pointless "scary" film 2 stars
3/28/09 Total Crap Bad, but passable. Not scary in the least but I liked the split in half scene. 3 stars
11/16/08 Chode Wanted to kill myself after 20 mins of watching this garbage. 1 stars
6/06/08 Jenn Passable late night entertainment but not worth any amount of money. Pretty disappointing. 2 stars
5/03/08 Karrie Millheim Scared me good, good plot and lots of scary action 5 stars
12/15/07 Shantyl Umm..this movie is great! So obviously you have no taste lol. 5 stars
11/12/07 ilove26forever this movie's a major letdown. the original was better, and that's really saying something!! 1 stars
10/27/07 Alex I think the movie is brilliant. And I loved Lillard's character. 5 stars
6/19/07 Jessiika i'ld like to take some of those ghosts for a ride 2 stars
5/03/07 Wesley I identify with the dead naked chick in this movie. I wanted to cut myself afterwards. 2 stars
1/07/07 Stephen Far too wierd 2 stars
10/23/06 WTF If anyone gave this movie a 5-star rating, your opinions for any other film are worthless. 1 stars
10/11/06 Pritchett Proof that, no matter how bad, there'll always be some cretin out there who likes it. 1 stars
5/29/06 Anthony Feor The plot kept me watching 2 stars
3/07/06 Steven Lewis It's a little wacky but the I like Shalob and the suspense, i thought, was killer. 3 stars
1/03/06 cody a gory movie with good perf. by matthew lillard but the plot stunk and so did entertainment 2 stars
12/10/05 The Grinch The original was CRAP. This IS a guilty pleasure, but it's great compared to Castle 4 stars
10/25/05 chris fox (the god) dont bother watching this shite 1 stars
9/24/05 Jessica i think the movie was greate i dont know what these other peple are talking about. 5 stars
8/13/05 Mark Louis Baumgart Bad acting, story & characters. Awesome sets, editing & makeup. A true guilty pleasure. 4 stars
7/02/05 Indrid Cold Holds your interest enough to be watchable, but just barely. 2 stars
6/30/05 rachel hall good but not as good has the old one 5 stars
5/26/05 tony Very suspensful. But movie made no sense. This remake was a failure. 1 stars
5/11/05 Wolfrey Maxwel WHY DOESN'T ANY ONE KNOW THE ACTUAL NAMES OF ALL THE GHOSTS(in the book) 4 stars
3/29/05 craig varney "a sleeper" will cure your insomnia 1 stars
3/12/05 Cpt Crunch quite nice FX the rest sucks badly, and it's simply boring 2 stars
1/01/05 Joe England Yeah... I got SO sick of that damn psychic screaming and whining and gnashing his teeth. 2 stars
10/16/04 Don Eckert This defines the statement "Piece of Shit"! 1 stars
9/25/04 Lord Durvok 2 I actually knew some retarded blonde who liked this abomination... 2 stars
9/03/04 Jexxie It's not a good story but it's pretty damn scary 4 stars
8/07/04 ELI Well, I liked the makeup! The rest sucked. 1 stars
8/03/04 paul jonas this movie sux ass 1 stars
8/02/04 American Slasher Goddess Just horrible all away around 1 stars
7/23/04 Jannet Kwan Scary Scary I would never want to be in that house 3 stars
4/07/04 Sig Not a bad concept, Shannon Elizabeth is HOT! & the scene with the sliding glass door... WOW 5 stars
3/02/04 Whatevr If Moses saw this movie there would have been a 11'th commandment 1 stars
3/02/04 blue the ghosts were scary but the movie went straight to shit 2 stars
2/23/04 Naturezrevenge The torso made the movie look promising, but then it died leaving a foul stench. Laughable. 1 stars
1/12/04 Scott An edge of your seat live action graphic novel- "A Lot of Fun" 5 stars
12/27/03 J The ghost could of been scary, but the writer and director were too slow! Retards! 1 stars
12/14/03 Morial Rose Kvasnikoff I think that the film was little bit of scary but more knowledge. 3 stars
12/10/03 Tommy A good movie... 3 stars
11/30/03 Jason Masterbating with a cheese grader is moe enkoyable then watching this crap!!! 1 stars
11/02/03 American Slasher Goddess Contains some of the most annoying characters in horror movie history. Avoid at all costs. 1 stars
7/25/03 Nicole The movie was pretty well done, but it was just pointless 2 stars
7/14/03 Samuel Justus Shaggy and Monk are the men and Jay's Girl friend is cool too lmao!!!!! 5 stars
7/07/03 Terrance Rogers B-o-r-i-n-g But that angry princess ghosts did really have nice tits 1 stars
7/03/03 Y2mckay Hey "Hottie" (dubious) - Fuck WHICH critic? We ALL hated it! 1 stars
6/24/03 Hottie this is my FAVORITE movie and matthew lillard is my fav. actor so fuck this critic 5 stars
6/14/03 Eschenennock Manville There ought to be a law against so egregiously wasting the fabulous Shannon Elizabeth! 2 stars
6/13/03 Sylvie Alice Borden Makes Lara Croft, Tomb Raider look like Lord Of The Rings. 2 stars
4/29/03 The Bint I couldnt get out the theatre, i had been fucking concussed by this mindless shit..... 1 stars
4/15/03 Jack Bourbon Suckiness, sure, but lots of fun suckiness. 4 stars
3/11/03 me GREAT 5 stars
3/03/03 Maurice " The Predator" this movie was good!! not the best I've ever seen but still good 4 stars
2/21/03 syrius a movie where shannon elizabeth doesn't take it off?! :gasp: and :sigh: 1 stars
1/21/03 Chase This one's going straight down the crapper. Oh yeah, and chug my love chowder, too. 1 stars
11/20/02 Jim Wasn't THAT bad, but then again I was pretty tired when I watched it ... 3 stars
9/28/02 katrin one of the worst movies i've ever seen 1 stars
8/18/02 mary gibbs it was a great movie 5 stars
8/15/02 Frances i'm a wuss with horror films so i find it scary, however its fucking shite 1 stars
7/31/02 STEVE UM, HOW ABOUT NO? 1 stars
7/22/02 the Grinch If you don't take it seriously (it's a CASTLE movie remake, 4 chrisakes) it's good fun 4 stars
6/15/02 Cat Weaker plot, but it was supported by good special fx, alright cast and was generally creepy 4 stars
6/12/02 Eloise I like it...... I like it alot! 5 stars
6/11/02 crush I thought Matthew Lillard did better than they say!! 5 stars
5/26/02 Charles Tatum Nice effects and set, terrible script 2 stars
5/25/02 What's next? Rah Digga and Martin Lawrence in 13 Black Knights? 1 stars
5/21/02 othree great casting none the less, loved the ghosts! house was cool & it had tha guy from Hackers 4 stars
5/15/02 Blake This movie rocks the screen 5 stars
4/15/02 Vitality1 Had a lot of potential but drops the ball at the ending - wraps up so damn quickly! 4 stars
4/08/02 Spyguy2 13 pieces of undigested corn in a turd "breather". Flush it before it stinks up the room 1 stars
4/08/02 Daniel one of the worst, boring..... movies ever made 1 stars
4/06/02 Danielle Ophelia If it were set to continuous Marylin Manson, it would be my all time favorite music video. 2 stars
4/05/02 Edfink Lombardo A splendid horror film...It's fun (no revelations here) and that's all it's meant to be 5 stars
1/27/02 Monday Morning Whoever edited this piece of mierda should be castrated, unless it was a girl. 1 stars
1/14/02 Anus You have to be retarded to enjoy this. Good thing I saw the bootleg version 1 stars
12/27/01 Lexus Lopeman Great movie. My friend Ev and I loved every minute of it 5 stars
12/26/01 Roy Smith MTV horror, pretty but stupid. Real stupid. 2 stars
12/17/01 Andrew Carden Shannon Elizabeth Gives A Good Performance, The Plot Is Pretty Good. 4 stars
12/04/01 auroradae in a time when new horror movies suck ass, this remake shines a severed head above the rest 5 stars
12/03/01 The Boy In The Designer Bubble Eat some beans, go see this movie, fart through out it. Then it'll be an entertaining flick 1 stars
11/22/01 Richard Connehey House was really cool, but that was about it. Did anyone hear that one girl say "Tommoree" 1 stars
11/19/01 malcolm better than i expected. a topless Shannon Elizabeth would've gotten it a 4 from me. 3 stars
11/16/01 Baphomet Goddamn what an aweful movie! It was unsettling tho, yet also idiotic & dumb 1 stars
11/13/01 SeeGreg The best part was: The flashing lights and choppy scenes threw me into a fit of seizures 1 stars
11/13/01 jenn looks really cool, i like the character of dennis, he's cool 5 stars
11/12/01 Kevin Really not that bad... for what it is... worth seeing, just dont expect a great storyline. 4 stars
11/08/01 WeirdArchives Obvious remaking a turkey doesn't always make sense. Leave dumb movie classics alone! 1 stars
11/06/01 RazorDog Love the glass house! 4 stars
11/04/01 E-Funk Visually cool. But it's not very frightening and it goddamn well should be. See the old one 2 stars
11/04/01 Matt Gill you think u have it bad? i wasted 8$ 1 stars
11/03/01 ender what do cockboats expect? it's like The Cell, only more pointless 2 stars
11/02/01 7th Guest Watch Matthew Lillard overact like a motherfucker. He kicks ass. Movie is a mess, but fun 4 stars
11/02/01 G-Man It's better than any other horror movie to come out lately. 4 stars
11/01/01 Caiphn Could someone please shoot Shannon Elizabeth in the face? Static, horrible actress. 3 stars
11/01/01 Janine Lay, RN I thought it was really scary, great effects, don't read too much into it! 5 stars
10/28/01 Greyjack It's not the $5 I miss, it's the memory capacity wasted on this movie that pains me. 1 stars
10/27/01 forger Had potential, but the end really sank it...also no naked Shannon E. 2 stars
10/27/01 Jamie Madrox Why did I waste 4.75 and 90 minutes of my life on this piece of shit?! 1 stars
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  26-Oct-2001 (R)



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