13 Ghosts (2001)

Reviewed By Brian McKay
Posted 09/27/02 05:03:15

"Thirteen things I would rather do before sitting through this shit again:"
1 stars (Total Crap)

Thirteen things I would rather do before sitting through this shit again: (In no particular order, mind you)

1)Have my temperature taken with a rectal thermometer that’s been slathered with a marinade of Worstershire, iodine, rubbing alcohol, and Crazy Jerry’s Brain Damage Hot Sauce.

2)Get my upper lip, right nipple, left nutsack, and lower sphincter pierced with rusty oversized safety pins and strung together with barbed wire.

3)Have a foursome with Rosie, Oprah, and a Honey-Baked Ham.

4)Be strapped to a chair with clamps holding my eyes open and forced to watch a 24 hour marathon of original WB programming (without the relief of commercials).

5)enema-induced waterfights.

6)Be stuck in an elevator with Chevy Chase, Carrot Top, and Yahoo Serious when they decide to have the "who's the funniest guy stuck in the elevator" contest.

7)Walk through Compton wearing a NEGROS SUCK T-shirt and an oversized foam hand with extended middle finger.

8)Have Johnny Knoxville push me down a Slip 'n Slide that has been lubricated with wino urine and ends in a sandbox full of salt and razor blades.

9)Body Shots off of the third fold in Kathy Bates' armpit.

10)Perform liposuction on my own ass with a pen knife and Super Silly Straw.

11)Sweat Mopper, Meat Loaf world tour 2003.

12)Take F. Murray Abraham's oscar and smash Matthew Lillard in the face with it.

13)Pink torpedo Shannon Elizabeth's vocal chords until speaking roles are no longer an option

(Re: #'s 12 and 13 - not everything on the list need be unpleasant).

It's one thing when you sit down to watch a movie expecting it to suck. But when it can't even live up to the level of suckiness you were expecting of it, you know you've got a real turd on your hands.

The plot is so thin and inconsequential, it's not ever worth discussing. I can sum it up in one sentence: Stupid people in big dumb glass house run from lame-looking ghosts. Emphasis on lame looking. I've seen ghosts on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" that scared me more. Hell, the haggard way Sarah Michelle Gellar looked on "Buffy" the other night scared me more. The only one of the bunch who is even remotely creepy looking is the dead naked cut-up girl ghost, who looks like something out of a Rob Zombie video.

This plodding mess is everything that's wrong with movies in general and horror movies in particular. Like the huge glass house that serves as its centerpiece, the film is shiny, sterile, bland, vacuous, and completely pointless. The only thing remotely interesting on the entire DVD is in the special features section, where a "biography" is provided for each of the ghosts, which turn out to be much more interesting than the ghosts themselves. Well, not that much more.

F. Murray Abraham should hand back his Oscar for even coming anywhere near this cinematic landfill. Matthew Lillard is a fucking hack, has always been a hack, and will always be a hack who hasn't done a goddamn decent movie since SLC Punk and whose career milestone has been portraying a stoned cartoon character with a talking dog. Tony Shaloub is goddamn lucky to have landed that Monk show, or any other paying gig, after being involved in this debacle. As for Shannon Elizabeth - Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but nobody wants to see you unless you're getting nekkid. Good actresses can keep their clothes on. You don't have that luxury. See, if you were a good actress, your character probably wouldn't be all smiley and perky in every fucking scene, considering the fact that her mom supposedly just burned to death in a house fire six months earlier. And while it's nice to see Embeth Davidtz getting work again (she played the medeival hottie opposite Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness), her character is the most useless of the bunch.

Maybe it wasn't all their fault. There is some truth to the saying that an actor is only as good as their script. And really, what was I expecting from a remake of a lame 1950's gimmick movie anyway? And why the fuck would ghosts be afraid of ROAD FLARES?

This movie should have been called "13 Choads". It chugs my cock all the way down to the furry nads, and guzzles my lumpy love chowder.

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