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Overall Rating

Awesome: 9.73%
Worth A Look: 15.93%
Average: 9.73%
Pretty Bad33.63%
Total Crap: 30.97%

6 reviews, 77 user ratings

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Time Machine, The (2002)
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by Brian McKay

"It spins, it has pretty lights, and it sucks away 90 minutes of your life!"
2 stars

I don't remember the old 1960 version of this movie very well, since I haven't seen it since I was a kid. I do seem to recall that it was better than what I just saw today, however. Maybe that's nostalgia speaking, or maybe every time Hollywood tries to "remake" a classic these days, it just ends up being an anal suckfest.

I had fairly high hopes for this film. After all, the director is the real live flesh n' blood great-grandson of H.G. Wells himself, so I figured he'd probably put his heart and soul into it, making it a tribute to the family name. Well, maybe he put his heart and soul into it, but he forgot the brains or originality.

The story is pretty much the same old, though the first hour does have a few interesting ideas. It takes place in late 1800's New York this time, rather than London. Guy Pearce plays an absent-minded, fidgety physicist who is always late to meet his girlfriend because he loses track of time while he is doing mathematical equations - even though he owns a dozen watches.

On the night that he proposes to her, she is tragically killed. We know it's tragic because the camera shows them from overhead and pulls back, spinning slowly as he holds her and her blood soaks into the snow (It's the obligatory "Tragedy-cam" shot - at least they didn't have him look up and scream "NOOOOOO"). From that day on, he becomes a shut-in and builds his time machine so that he can go back and save her. Mind you, no attempt is ever made to explain how the time machine works, or what kind of scientific principals are behind it. All we are shown is him writing a bunch of long algebraic equations on a very big blackboard. Well, he's writing theorems and postulates, so he obviously knows what he's doing! And, of course, the first time he saddles up in it, it works like, well, like clockwork! No beta testing or trial and effort required here, folks. The DeLorean in "Back to the Future" was more convincing than this. At least Christopher Lloyd spouted some technobabble at us and the damn thing had a Flux Capacitor!

So he goes back in time and tries to save his girlfriend, only his attempts to do so fail. He finds that he is helpless to prevent her death or alter the past in any significant way. Seeking a technical loophole in this temporal causality conundrum, he travels to the future so that he can find scientists more advanced than himself. Instead he finds a smart-ass holographic librarian, played by Orlando Jones, who quickly dismisses him as a nutter because "Everyone knows that time travel isn't real!". Jones, who I usually find quite likeable, fails to elicit much more than a chuckle here, despite a really bad haircut that looks like a toupe'.

So, our hero goes forward again, only he is injured by an explosion and, by accident, he ends up going forward about 800,000 years. When he wakes up, he finds that the beautiful Mara (Samantha Mumba) is nursing his wounds. Not a bad deal after spending 800 millenia in limbo. At first, he seems to have discovered an idyllic paradise in the village of the Eloi, who live in houses built onto a cliff face (Not to be confused with the Ewoks, who live in trees.) The Eloi are a kind of aboriginal people with their own language, but who, of course still remember enough perfectly fluent contemporary English so that they can communicate with our hero.

It Turns out, however, that all is not well in Eloiland. The pesky Morlocks, who live underground, are a hungry bunch, and they occasionally come up to the surface to grab a few Eloi Cattle, and maybe a hottie or two like Mara for breeding purposes (and as hideous as these things are, her genetic material could only improve things). So, we have the obligatory chase scene where the Morlocks scamper about terrorizing and abusing the frightened Eloi. If you've seen Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" (the other sucky remake in my recent memory), you've seen it all before. Only at least the apes looked realistic and were somewhat intimidating. These Morlocks look, well, bad. I mean stupid bad. The faces are poorly rendered and not very realistic. Their muscular bodies are very obviously a padded latex muscle suit. The CGI is fairly shoddy. And despite their quickness and brute strength, they really aren't scary. At all. Or even interesting. As if they aren't a big enough waste of a movie villain, though, we come to find that their leader, referred to in the credits as the "Uber-Morlock" (how clever), is played by Lord of the Suckfest himself, Jeremy Irons. Irons is barely recognizable here (for which he should be grateful), since he's done up to look like an albino Marilyn Manson with some kind of ridiculous prosthetic spine thing on his back. He controls the Morlocks through some kind of telepathy, and can read all of our hero's thoughts, yet he can't see the final trick coming that our hero uses to defeat him - nice one, Nostradamus.

It's really dull and predictable, complete with another long chase scene through the Morlock tunnels that I was praying would end much sooner than it did. Our Hero stays in the future and hooks up with the hot Eloi chick (and, if she looked like Samantha Mumba, I would too). The end. Everybody happy, except for the person who just dropped nine bones on this piece of shit.

Aside from some cool visual effects (like the moon breaking up in orbit, etc.), there really isn't much to see here. Even the scenes of time moving forward at a fast clip are nothing that we haven't already scene before in a dozen remakes of the Time Machine story. The machine itself is unimpressive. It's metallic and it spins and it has a bunch of pretty disco lights on it. Or as one bystander says, when our hero appears with it on the street in the year 2030, "I'll bet that thing can make a hell of an espresso."

I can't blame Guy Pearce for phoning this one in. After all, I'm sure he knew this movie was crap as much as we now do. He's already proved himself a competent actor with films like "Memento" and "L.A. Confidential", so we'll forgive him for picking up a quick paycheck. And Samantha Mumba, while certainly a gorgeous woman and, I'm sure, a talented singer, is really little more than scenery here and is as equally uninteresting a love interest as her blonde counterpart Estella Warren was in "Planet of the Apes". This is not to say she's a bad actress, but she doesn't get much chance to do any real acting here.

If I had a time machine that could take me back only four hours, I'd go back, take my nine dollars, find the original movie at a video store, and spend the rest on an In N'Out Burger.

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originally posted: 03/11/02 15:53:51
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User Comments

4/25/18 Louise A waste of 'time' - ha ha - watch the 1960 one instead. 2 stars
9/14/17 morris campbell IT SUCKS 1 stars
8/19/15 Carol Watch the George Pal 1960 classic. Just pretend this pointless remake never happened. 1 stars
6/08/13 mike great movie 5 stars
1/16/11 L Lopez Awsome remake of an old favorite. Dislikers should have their DNA resequenced. 5 stars
8/29/08 Shaun Wallner This movie was Awesome!! Loved It. 5 stars
3/17/08 Kirsten Not bad, but I felt the plot was a bit rushed. Iron's character was defeated too quickly 3 stars
5/14/07 action movie fan lame remake-1960 moive is still the best 2 stars
1/28/07 David Pollastrini saw it but have no memory so it must have sucked 3 stars
9/12/06 BOB I understand why some people would not have liked this movie, because you have to think 5 stars
8/05/06 nicklor24 great film, to bad it's underrated, check it out 5 stars
7/13/06 Dan Honestly, what were you idiots expecting? This was a fun, entertaining movie. Dumbfucks. 4 stars
5/08/06 Thomas Semesky How can you make a movie about time travel into a boring waste of time? 2 stars
9/04/05 Eagle We need a time machine to go back and prevent this movie from being made 1 stars
8/19/05 ES A good re-telling, worth a glance 4 stars
8/07/04 Anthony G I would fuck samantha mumba 2 stars
6/01/04 ReptilesNi Completely lacking the charm of the original movie. 2 stars
5/22/04 Bruck Remembrance of a great film 3 stars
12/23/03 Chris It was an OK movie at first but the end was horrible. 2 stars
10/28/03 Lars Kelsen A great ride! 4 stars
10/19/03 Ingo Fine start, but then... 3 stars
6/09/03 Goofy Maxwell Don't see it, or if u must, pull a Rip Van Winkle like Guy Pierce & just sleep through it. 1 stars
6/01/03 Pete a hour and a half just to see Samantha Mumba's tummy. Sucks Ass like a intern 1 stars
4/23/03 LIAM JACKSON brilliant.the uber-morlock should have killed alex.still great though 5 stars
4/10/03 Jack Bourbon Hey! I forgot I saw this piece of dog shit. Too bad that had to change. 1 stars
1/20/03 Jim Not bad but suffers from severe credibility problems once Alex arrives in 802701. 4 stars
10/22/02 teri did the screenwriter just quit right at the end so quickly wrapped up the whole thing? 1 stars
10/06/02 syrius effects are pretty good, but H.G. Wells is rolling over in his grave 2 stars
9/02/02 AshFan Guy Pearce and the effects are great, but its' stupid script and ending ruin some of it. 3 stars
8/13/02 Monster W. Kung An utterly disappointing film. Damn you, Pearce. 2 stars
7/30/02 soelsen i thought it was good....kinda hard to follow though 4 stars
6/02/02 Chris Not a complete waste of time. What was with the ending it was pretty good till then. 3 stars
5/17/02 viking a sci-fi classic becomes a run of the mill CGI extravaganza 3 stars
4/29/02 Little L Absolutely loved it! Whoever says it doesn't live up to sixties one's standards is stupid 5 stars
4/27/02 Jill and Bart worst movie we've ever seen in our lives. BORING!!!! 1 stars
4/24/02 Danielle Ophelia Someone ate H.G. Wells' masterful novel...then chucked it back up. A maudlin surface-skim. 2 stars
4/23/02 Rautron Zero The 1960 Original is by far a better film, but this film s Interesting 3 stars
4/18/02 Emily shitty 1 stars
4/12/02 Aaron Nelson Pretty good remake of the 1960 Pal film, although the last 20 minutes lost it a bit 4 stars
4/10/02 emp not that bad, probably should wait for the video 4 stars
4/10/02 Kelly Mears The Special effects are cool. Plot is nothing special. 3 stars
4/10/02 The Grinch Good, mindless fun, with good special effects. 4 stars
4/08/02 Roy Smith Saw the "ending" far in advance, rather stupid, all FX only 2 stars
4/08/02 Connoisseur you people are too hard on movies these days. this movie is fun 4 stars
4/07/02 angie I enjoyed this film. Fine family entertainment. But then that's why I watch movies. 4 stars
4/05/02 Edfink Lombardo Good visual effects, fun storytelling, with its only downfall being its slow pace... 4 stars
4/04/02 Monster W. Kung ...and after going through it backwards, Guy Pearce wastes our time. 2 stars
4/02/02 Flick Chick cheezy and boring 2 stars
3/27/02 Chris żĄ Samantha Mumba and Guy Pierce have no character in this movie, at all. 2 stars
3/23/02 Larry You should to see it's not bad 4 stars
3/23/02 mahone the director should get the death penalty 1 stars
3/19/02 malcolm a lot of fun, jeremy irons looked like a wicked Powder 4 stars
3/18/02 your mom the visual effect were pretty good. 4 stars
3/17/02 Rampage Crud, crud and more crud. If you haven't seen it, thank God. 2 stars
3/17/02 R. Johnson Total, uninflected, piece of crap! 1 stars
3/16/02 H. G. Wells I can't believe they have talkies like this, who would've thought twas possible? 5 stars
3/16/02 Artist Freak Light on plot, but stuff blowed up real good. Don't expect great art and you'll be happy. 3 stars
3/14/02 bianca it was great. lot better than most people think 5 stars
3/14/02 NiceGlamourShotErik SUCKED BIG ONES 1 stars
3/14/02 Hotaine Ran right out and bought the book after this to cleanse my soul. I felt so dirty. 1 stars
3/12/02 ajay not as bad as HBS says it is. maybe that's why I liked it, I was expecting shit 4 stars
3/12/02 spaceworm Time trip cool; O. Jones,fun; Irons, NO! Scipt, where? 2 stars
3/12/02 raiven message to screenwriter: rent the 1960 version to see why yours sucks 2 stars
3/12/02 brent young superficial at best. maybe a rental... maybe. 2 stars
3/11/02 sandy I enjoyed this film. Fine family entertainment. But then that's why I watch movies. 5 stars
3/11/02 Rockitman007 I enjoyed this movie enough. 4 stars
3/11/02 Ziggy Stardust What claptrap! What drivell... i was hoping soo much for it to be good... but noooooooooooo 2 stars
3/11/02 Just another guy Nice effects, no story. Go rent the original. 1 stars
3/11/02 Jimbobwe Erik was dead on (except that this version is set in New York, not England). Way bummer... 2 stars
3/11/02 Benjamin Leatherman Ana llright movie. Everything seemed to make sense to me. 4 stars
3/10/02 ChicoJake maybe rent it if you are bored 2 stars
3/10/02 jojo great movie not to hollywood ,classic science fiction,and guy pearce as always is awesome 5 stars
3/09/02 Joe Deblow The Gayness Machine 1 stars
3/09/02 Kisuta A light, entertaining movie. Could have had a lot more detail. 4 stars
3/09/02 Butterbean Jeremy Iron's exposed spine was the coolest thing about this movie 3 stars
3/09/02 STEVE would not see it for a hundred bucks! 1 stars
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  08-Mar-2002 (PG-13)



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