Reviewed By MP Bartley
Posted 08/09/02 23:39:30

"Oh Lord, Why Have You Forsaken Me?"
1 stars (Total Crap)

Dear Hollywood, I give up. I've tried reasoning with you. I've asked you politely to give up. I've walked out of crap, told people what not to see, boycotted certain films and all the while recommended films like 'Memento'. All in the hope that you'd give up producing shit like this. But you didn't. And now you're going to have to die.

But yes Lord, I've prayed to you too. I've asked you to stop them but still they keep doing it. I mean, what have I done to deserve this? I swear those thoughts I had about my flatmates 16 year old sister were just those - thoughts. I've stopped drinking tequila by the quart. I've started being kind to animals and little old ladies. But no, not even you could stop the horror that is 'Scooby-Doo' (or Scooby-Don't.Or Scooby-Poo. See how easy this shit is?) being inflicted upon us.

Seriously though, why? Who the hell was searching around for a good idea for the latest blockbuster and thought of 'Scooby-Doo'?

EXECUTIVE 1: Umm, what about 'The Munsters'?

EXECUTIVE 2: Nah, the last 'Addams Family' stiffed

EXECUTIVE 1: 'The Jetsons'?

EXECUTIVE 2: Didn't you see 'Pluto Nash'?

EXECUTIVE 1: Ooh, ooh I know I know!! 'Scooby-Doo'

EXECUTIVE 2: What, 'Scooby-Doo'? That tired old cartoon with the same plot week after week, full of not-so-subtle drug, sex and lesbianism references?

EXECUTIVE 1: That's the one!

EXECUTIVE 2: Bingo! Ker-ching!!

And what's worse people bought it. They not only saw it, they flocked to it. In droves. People were actually excited about it. They were waiting to see it. So much so that a sequel's being prepared as we speak. There is truly no hope for some people. How many more signs did they need for the Apocalypse?

Don't they remember 'The Flintstones' and how that stunk? Hell, don't they remember how incredibly bad 'Scooby-Doo' is anyway in cartoon form?

What more did they need? FREDDIE PRINZE JR!!!!Even the involvement of that cretinous, shit sucking, talent vacuum wasn't enough to deter people. For fricks sake IT'S FREDDIE PRINZE JR!!! HE COULDN'T ACT IF HE HAD TO PLAY A CORPSE LOCKED IN A BOX THAT YOU DON'T EVEN SEE!

And Gellar as well, Jesus...Yes Gellar, congratulations you are hot. You can get a job outside 'Buffy'. But being 'hot' does not a good actress make especially when you have zero presence, charisma or talent.

Cardellini? You're the 'cool wacky indie choice' apparently. Well bad news. You blew. Hard. Hope they kept the vacancy open at McDonalds for you.


Oh Lillard how marvellous you are. How magnificently you pulled off the character of Shaggy. That's up there with Olivier's version of 'Hamlet' it really is. I can imagine them now - Olivier, Gielgud, Lemmon. Stewart...all weeping at the fact they didn't have a chance or the ability to nail the live version of a cartoon stoner the way you did. Truly you are blessed, and truly you inspire us.

I can see some people complaining now: "Oh come on, you can't be that harsh. It's for the kids".
Kids deserve better. Kids can get 'Toy Story', 'Monsters, Inc' or 'Labyrinth'. What kind of films are we going to get from a generation of future filmmakers who are raised upon 'Scooby-Doo' and led to believe that that's what they like and need? Kids have imagination and boundless energy. They can be inspired, stimulated and taught. A CGI farting dog falls just below par I think.

So in short Hollywood, I'm leaving you. Thank you for the good times, I'll cherish the memories and think about the happy days we spent together watching 'Lord of the Rings' or 'Traffic'. But the love affairs over and I'm not coming back. Unfortunately I have a feeling that everyone else will still come back. Again and again.

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