Virtual Encounters

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 01/03/03 15:44:10

"Virtually not even a movie."
1 stars (Total Crap)

So you’re an adult film producer with a small budget and you’ve discovered you can get a good deal on some lights if you start shooting this weekend and are done by Tuesday. You don’t have a script but you know you can get some goofy wanna-be actresses to take their shirts off for the camera at the drop of a hat, so what do you do? Well, if you’re like most adult film producers, you slap together a story that can be described in one sentence and can be shot on one basic set, with plenty of dream sequences/montages/flashbacks that will give you an excuse for a gratuitous sex scene. Virtual Encounters is a case study of how this formula works.

The one line story in this instance is: gorgeous female advertising executive won’t give it up for her boyfriend, so he buys her a gold pass to a virtual sex game where she can pretend she’s in a multitude of sexual situations. Bang, formula fulfilled.

Elizabeth Kaitan, who is to the thespian arts what Cheez Whiz is to the culinary arts, plays our uptight ad executive glamour queen. She won’t do her non-uptight non-ad executive glamour man because… I dunno, she’s messed up or something. So after her secretary (Taylor St. Claire) gives her shit for not having lots of sex with him (“if you don’t take care of him, you’re going to lose him!”), her man gives her a weird membership card that lets her into a seemingly abandoned warehouse containing a board covered in flashing lights and a spandex suit. A computerized voice tells her to put the suit on and, rather than run away screaming like most people would do, she tells the voice “for some reason I trust you,” then strips, changes into the suit and proceeds to pleasure herself for the next half hour while wearing a virtual reality helmet.

As we see what she sees, we’re shown several completely unrelated fantasy scenes, none of which actually involve our heroine but all of which she watches from a doorway while occasionally rubbing her boobs. Very occasionally. Most of the time she just breathes weird.

So she watches a guy and a girl hump, then she watches two girls rub each other down, then she watches a large-breasted stripper in a ‘police department’ bikini (I’m not making this up) perform a striptease. These totally random scenes continue for the duration of the film, leaving only the first five minutes and last five minutes for actual storyline, which is probably just fine by 97% of the target audience of the flick.

Elizabeth Kaitan, while totally attractive, cannot act to save her life. This, of course, puts her on par with just about every other softcore actress out there, so don’t expect me to throw stones on that account. Where I will throw stones is in the fact that this is just about the softest softcore film since The Little Mermaid. I mean, don’t be thinking I’m Mr Perv or anything but this is an adult film, so let’s be a little bit adult and show some adult footage, right?

Am I wrong?

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