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Overall Rating

Awesome: 16.22%
Worth A Look: 0%
Average: 2.7%
Pretty Bad: 16.22%
Total Crap64.86%

1 review, 31 user ratings

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Boxing Helena
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by Scott Weinberg

"Dis-Members only."
1 stars

Yeah, yeah. I know all about the "keeping the woman in the cage" metaphor and all the allegedly clever symbolism being poured all over the screen. But guess what? This movie is so stupid it makes Anna Nicole Smith look like Ben Stein! It's pretty tough to accept any kind of smart or subtle metaphors when the lead actress is armless, legless, panting and blowing snot bubbles and the audience is meant to feel anything other than hilarity.

In the pantheon of bad movies, you will always have your superstars...your Batman and Robins and your Battlefield Earths. You can harp all you want about the mind-numbing depravity and stupidity of those movies (or hundreds of others) but very few will ever come close to what Boxing Helena has to offer.

I'm of the opinion that among bad movies, nothing will curl your toes like truly awful drama. Bad comedies can still entertain, even if it is only by displaying bare boobies. Bad horror or sci-fi movies can still be worth a look for a few random scenes or concepts. But truly awful dramatic movies like Boxing Helena are like having your toenails pulled out while reading tax forms.

While the "plot" of Boxing Helena could surely fill a 20-minute short film about the dangers of being a freak, this movie runs an interminable 106 minutes which I swear felt more like 112. There's this weird twitchy surgeon named Nick who lives in a vast mansion and has a deep creepy obsession with the neighborhood slut. Her name is Helena and she treats all men with equal parts disdain and cleavage.

When Nick throws a party solely to woo the unpleasant (yet admittedly lovely) lass, she basically treats him like the moron he is acting like. He stammers and falls all over her, breathlessly mouthing her name and staring at her womanly curves...yeah, it's all pretty pathetic.

After a humiliatingly failed attempt at courtship, Helena storms from Nick's house and is promptly squashed by an oncoming car. When she awakens, Helena discovers the Nick has removed both of her legs. Yes, that's right. Legs. Gone. And when the justifiably unhappy Helena lashes out at the obsessed freak, he does the only normal thing imaginable and surgically yanks them arms off too.

It certainly doesn't help matters that the movie showcases two of the worst acting performances ever offered in the presence of a camera. As the whiny and craven Dr. Nick, Julian Sands is seemingly content in being merely atrocious, while the vampy and petulant Sherilyn Fenn seems completely lost in any scene that doesn't directly involve her breasts being shown. Bill Paxton shows up as one of Helena's ex-flames, and since I dig Bill I'll not mention how rabid and ridiculous a performance even he offers. (Oops, sorry Bill.) Ditto for the illustrious Kurtwood Smith, who must wonder daily what the hell he was thinking when he showed up for this gig.

This is a movie that leaps from one illogical scenario to the next, and it's simply impossible to tell why certain characters do the things they do. (Why, for example, does Helena not scream when visitors arrive at Nick's mansion? He cut off her legs, not her lungs!) And don't look now, but what the hell is Art Garfunkel doing in this movie? Aside from showing off his hilarious hair-do, his character literally serves no purpose.

If a movie is so bad that several long, leering shots of large breasts can't salvage it, you know you're in for a long night. Boxing Helena may forever be remembered as a testament to how damaging nepotism can be, as this one was helmed by the 25-year old daughter of acclaimed director David Lynch. Based on the skills displayed in Boxing Helena, Jennifer Lynch might be better served working as her Dad's website administrator or something...anything that doesn't involve yelling the word 'Action'.

Back when Kim Basinger got sued and had to drop 2 million to avoid being in this movie, I remember thinking "Hell, do the movie Kim! You'll get paid and you could keep that 2 mill!!" Of course that was before I ever saw the film. As it stands now, I think that 2 million was worth it if it meant she didn't have to be forever connected with this moronic, turgid and all-around pathetic movie.

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originally posted: 06/08/01 09:31:25
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User Comments

6/27/19 Dane Youssef Yes, the ending cops-out. But even everything leading up to it is a damn ordeal. A wreck. 1 stars
4/03/09 Dane Youssef This one actually lives up to all it's hype. One of the worst ever. Don't bother. Yecccch! 1 stars
8/10/07 William Goss Tepid tale of warped obsession plays out like half-assed DePalma fare. 1 stars
7/11/06 David Cohen Tries to be a pretentious "arty" movie, and can;t even do that well 1 stars
11/23/04 Ian The only good thing about this movie is Nicolette Scorsese - HOT! 2 stars
10/21/04 Not Telling Loved it 5 stars
8/08/03 3man A very warped movie but Fenn is a babe! 3 stars
1/22/03 Pinkline Jones Hysterical film. Puts most other comedies to shame. 1 stars
11/23/02 Charles Tatum Talent ain't genetic 1 stars
7/16/02 patricia what was that whole it-was-all-just-a-dream crap at the end ? give me a break! 1 stars
4/08/02 Monster W. Kung One of the biggest mountains of dung ever made. 1 stars
12/29/01 astrid boettcher Its not an average film. I love the metphorical pictures that in it. 5 stars
11/11/01 porn fanaticVALUEINNYRIPPERQUACKQUACKCUNTS! It's an awesome movie, to wack off to. The whore being fucssked from behind is cumgod 5 stars
9/23/01 Larry Smith "Kim Bsinger" was right to not make this film. Only see it once! 2 stars
9/23/01 Bri Different, good , Fenn 5 stars
8/19/01 LadyCatz I loved it..I found the imagery engaging and artistic. 5 stars
8/14/01 Nice Guy Eddie Very well acted, good direction. An interesting variation on the Misery theme. 5 stars
8/05/01 Chris Marlow An interesting idea, but horribly constructed. The ending was shockingly inane. 1 stars
8/01/01 John it sucked really horribly0 kinda like a soft core porn movie 2 stars
7/30/01 The Bomb 69 still piercing my skull, 100 minutes of my life I will never get back 1 stars
7/27/01 Josh Tybur Saw this when I was 13...I never fully recovered 1 stars
7/09/01 Caligula Theese ees boulsheet you are a fucking idiot shoot yourself in the mouth and die 1 stars
6/29/01 master.node I keep thinking of Helena Bonham Carter as her namesake. Well, maybe wishing... 2 stars
6/27/01 Dean BLOODY GODAWFUL!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
6/27/01 Monster W. Kung ...or you might as well shoot yourself in the head. 1 stars
6/23/01 Senor Suave This was really really awful. Kim Basinger was smart to bail out before it began. 1 stars
6/13/01 blap The plot is just an excuse for sickos everywhere to get off. 1 stars
6/09/01 Roy Smith Sherilyn Fenn playing in the fountain raises it a notch, but only one. 2 stars
6/08/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) Jennifer Lynch was obviously competing with her father on who was more twisted. 1 stars
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  02-Mar-1993 (R)



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