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Overall Rating

Awesome: 23.64%
Worth A Look: 3.64%
Average: 5.45%
Pretty Bad: 5.45%
Total Crap61.82%

1 review, 49 user ratings

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by Collin Souter

"If nothing else, at least it killed a career."
1 stars

“A bleak, uncompromising depiction of a tormented artist slowly losing her grip.” At least, that’s how I felt after seeing MTV’s “Cribs,” featuring Mariah Carey. In this show, celebrities take us poor, working-class, mustard-loving peasants on a tour through their luxurious mansions and gardens, while speaking without embarrassment about their “solitude chambers” and “secret recording studio bakery rooms, with Caligula motifs.” It’s all downright self-indulgent and represents the worst of humanity (I’m speaking, of course, about the people who actually watch “Cribs,” which I guess would be myself).

At first, Mariah Carey seems to have so little to share in terms of personality, but if one takes a second look, we can see that she keeps it well guarded beneath her Mrs. Potato-Head exterior. At one point, she tells us that she absolutely cannot show us the room in which she keeps Marilyn Monroe’s piano, which she reportedly bought for $600,000. Did Marilyn Monroe actually play the piano? Or did she just sit on it? How does she know it’s Marilyn Monroe’s piano? Perhaps these two figures in pop culture share a similar fate. Let us pray.

Carey also shows us her “fan room,” in which she keeps all the books of Mariah Carey that Mariah Carey fans/stalkers/criminals compile because they love Mariah Carey so damn much. She likes to come in here when she feels a bit low because it lifts her spirits. So, basically, when she finds a smudge on her bathroom mirror the size of a gnat and starts to feel a little trigger-happy with her Ultra-Caliber 38-Special Suicide Gun, she takes a moment to step inside her “fan room” to look at pictures of herself. My advice to her would be to take a moment and picture all these fans as though they share the same traits as noted serial killer Buffalo Bill from “Silence Of The Lambs.” I can’t help but feel they do.

Speaking of “lambs,” that’s the pet name she gives to all her fans. This tidbit adds an element of stark, raving creepiness as she leads us through the corridors of All That Is Mariah, as though secretly leading us to the discotheque slaughterhouse. We should be so lucky.

So, what led to this downward spiral? How did Mariah Carey become such an interesting case study of Perpetual Loony-dom? Why does Trent Reznor suddenly feel so warm, cozy and normal? Her movie “Glitter” attempts to answer that question, but it fails miserably. This movie tells the story of a woman who becomes famous for performing songs that all resemble Appolonia’s “Sex Shooter” from that Prince movie. The End.

Okay, now that I got the plot elements out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff. Just how bad is “Glitter?” So bad, you won’t even know you watched it. Director Vondie Curtis Hall seems pretty confident that you have no interest in why Carey’s life would make an interesting movie. We know damn well she has nothing interesting to say. She never has before. So, Hall wisps us through the story as painlessly as possible, using swish-pans of New York as scene transitions. Each scene lasts about 25 seconds and without even one memorable line of dialogue to mull over. Listen, Aspiring Scribes, if you’re going to write a bad movie, please study the dialogue of “Pearl Harbor.” Your bad movie won’t be worth anything unless we get at least one “The rise and fall of our Empire is at stake.” (Although Randall Wallace probably spelled it steak. Have fun with it.)

As for Mariah’s acting, well, let’s just say her facial expressions resemble that of a Stretch Armstrong doll. You can pull it, stretch it, yank it and twist it, but it will always come back looking as though you never touched it. I’m pretty sure the masterminds at Digital Domain used some CG techniques to get her face to shape-shift in scenes that required emotion. Of course, it would be hard to forge your way through any scene when your director has “Vondie” for a first name.

But, and I mean this with all sincerity, she does NOT represent the worst of this movie. No, that distinction goes to her male co-star Max Beesley. Wow, just saying that name makes me want to send a collection of contaminated Furbees to the nearest concentration camp for mass mutilation. He plays Carey’s boyfriend/manager, but he really wants to direct (film scores, that is). His character has only one problem: The Shaggs had more talent. Plus, with his boyish, yet greasy, good looks and homoerotic 80’s leather attire, he looks like a porno Luke Skywalker. And when he talks, he sounds as though he took speech lessons from Mark Wahlberg and Vanilla Ice. He really represents the worst of humanity, whether or not he ever did see MTV’s “Cribs.”

On the DVD cover box of “Glitter,” noted quote-whore extraordinaire Kevin Thomas of the LA Times writes, “Glitter fits Mariah Carey like one of her skin-tight gowns.” I agree, Mr. Thomas. It’s thin, meaningless, hard to shake off and leaves the spectator gasping at the amount of money spent on making a person thoroughly bland and un-interesting. Take the gown off and you’re left with a naked, talent-less loony.

Critics hate to admit it, but we actually love this kind of movie. The yearly Rock-Star-Goes-Hollywood has always been a sort of Rite of Passage for us Bad-film lovers. “Glitter” has all the elements of a cheese-ball camp classic. That doesn’t make it good, God no! Even those who made “Xanadu” a cult hit will probably shun this turd monkey. But don’t be surprised if you find this movie on VH-1 as part of a movie rock star marathon, sandwiched appropriately between the Saga of MeatLoaf and the Turmoil’s of Def Leppard. It’s that bad.

But you’ll probably enjoy it if you’re the sort of person who watches “Cribs” from the point of view of a psychological profiler looking for signs of madness. “Glitter” will give you the surface. “Cribs” will give you the depth.

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originally posted: 01/19/02 01:45:35
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User Comments

2/14/11 Jeff Wilder Deserving of its rep. Mariah can sing, But acting in lead roles is out of her depth. 1 stars
9/25/10 Geoff Shitter. 1 stars
1/25/08 dude UGH have you never of the emancipation of mimi how was this a career killer 5 stars
6/26/06 princess this moive was amazing 5 stars
11/07/05 LP Quagmire Mariah's glittering star power makes this the last great Hollywood musical. 5 stars
8/13/05 Rasheeda Smith Not too bad, but Vondie Curtis-Hall should have had more balls to step up to Mariah. 2 stars
8/04/05 Chris This movie is so self important and shallow not to mention bad that its funny 1 stars
2/28/05 monica mcdaniels This is my favorite movie in the whole wide world 5 stars
12/26/04 Louie Great acting. Plays shallow and arrogant without a flaw. 4 stars
11/18/04 Chris Belldo I don't need to see this movie to tell you Mariah Carey needs a swift kick to the vagina 1 stars
11/06/04 Jake Mariah has an AMAZING voice and this movie rocks! WATCH IT! 5 stars
5/21/04 Dr. Lecter Delighted to see this talentless bitch embarrass herself 1 stars
3/28/04 Jake Stupidly Self-absorbed and ultimately meaningless Mariah can't act at all 1 stars
2/09/04 Whatevr The Spanish inquisition sould use this movie as a torture device. 1 stars
1/22/04 Plop This was pure plop!!! 1 stars
12/31/03 catherine collins this movie was good i watched it all day yesterday 5 stars
12/30/03 DM It's like a frisbee, only not as deep. 1 stars
12/14/03 Briana Williams it was the bombed 5 stars
7/07/03 Terrance Rogers I liked the beginning when the girl and her mom sanf but that's it 1 stars
7/02/03 James Stephens Her fans that love it can't even spell. Says it all. 1 stars
4/16/03 Marisa Monroe I enjoyed SINGIN' IN THE RAIN, but GLITTER is superior in every way. 5 stars
3/24/03 atanu the worst masturbatory piece ever. 1 stars
3/10/03 Jack Why Do They Insist On Beating A Dead Horse Mariah Your Carrear Is D.O.A 1 stars
3/01/03 Monique was so angry watching this garbage. wanted to kill myself at the end. and I LIKE mariah! 1 stars
11/08/02 brittany you are crazy you be in the crazy house 2 stars
10/17/02 anna I couldn't turn it off, It's like watching a car accident, only less entertaining. 1 stars
10/16/02 Katie Walker I loved this film. Especially since Mariah Carey is in it. I'm a major fan of hers. 5 stars
10/06/02 The Ayatolla of Rockinrolla Critics WAY to hard on the movie. You love Mariah, you'll love Glitter 5 stars
5/22/02 Veronica Foxx Mariah is a blackhole posing as an actress. She sucks all the entertainment out of this! 1 stars
4/21/02 Anus They're called Lambs because they're mindless drooling retard followers. 1 stars
4/17/02 Lamb Mr Souter's review is pure shit. Never before have i read such drivel. Get a LIFE turd monk 5 stars
1/23/02 Stephanie Disappointed in the story; love her singing. 2 stars
1/22/02 Rick A good movie with a great soundtrack 5 stars
1/16/02 Melissa in NYC Anyone who watched this movie would understand Carey's breakdown. What a load of CRAP!! 1 stars
1/08/02 Spyguy2 Mariah Carey exists for my depraved amusement 1 stars
11/01/01 Obi Wan Thank God I saw the bootleg! Mariah would need to pay me to watch all of this! Walked out 1 stars
10/31/01 Joe Bacon Even WORSE than Plan 9 1 stars
10/16/01 Andrew Carden Some Good Songs, but Mariah Seems Totally Unbelivable Meaning, She's Kind Of Messy. 3 stars
10/09/01 Andrew Kalya Whoever made this atrocity should be beaten in an alley. Sucks fat, feces-smeared ass. 1 stars
10/08/01 Victor Sanchez This debacle has all the charm of a pus filled lesion. 1 stars
10/07/01 octoberfest Not as bad as some make it out to be. I thought I'd hate it but ended up liking it overall 4 stars
10/04/01 Jackson Can we say "slutty crack whore"? I demanded my money back for this one. Seriously. 1 stars
9/30/01 The Boy In The Designer Bubble Keep saying to yourself, "It's not a movie, its a 90 minute video":, It helps dull the pain 1 stars
9/26/01 Johnson Mariah can't act and can't sing worth crap. This movie is wretched. 1 stars
9/26/01 Vanessa Its a good movie. 3 stars
9/25/01 Mortis The editing sucked on this movie, but Mariah did a great job portraying her character. 3 stars
9/22/01 ron20003 Pop diva Mariah plays a pop diva but isn't believable at all. Isn't that odd? 1 stars
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  21-Sep-2001 (PG)



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