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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.12%
Worth A Look: 16.85%
Average: 21.35%
Pretty Bad44.94%
Total Crap: 15.73%

9 reviews, 35 user ratings

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Don't Say a Word
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by Chris Parry

"... and don't say 'RIP OFF' either..."
1 stars

Blah bland blah bland - That's Michael Douglas' last four big screen efforts in four easy words. And then there's his latest - Don't Say A Word. This monstrosity is the best of both worlds; a film entirely blah, yet at the same time bland; predictable and yet ridiculous, try-hard yet seemingly not trying at all, thick-headed yet empty-headed, dim yet too smart by half... can we just sum it up by stating that this film is hokier than an $8 Rolex?

Michael Douglas is a psychotherapist or psychiatrist or psychoanalyst or... pimp, I dunno. He deals with screwed up teenagers, anyway. Which is good, since some hard guys just out of prison want the number held in a screwed up teenager's head. Apparently they need this number by 5pm that day. Which is odd, since they've been in prison for TEN YEARS! Wow, lucky they got out today or they might have missed the 5PM deadline. Lesson number one for the writers of this turkey, giving a deadline just to try to convince the viewers that they should be on the edge of their seat doesn't get the viewer on the edge of their seat. Let's call this "gaping plothole you could park a Rosie O'Donnell in #1".

So, our crooked villains decide, after waiting ten years, that they should kidnap the daughter of famed teenage shrink Mickey Douglas, to convince him to cure the holder of the magic number, who has been in the nuthouse since she was a kid. Yeah, that makes sense, because we all know you just have to click your heels together three times, throw a bucket of Gatorade on her and say "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!" six or seven times and she'll be all better. Let's call this "plothole bigger than Mena Suvari's forehead #2".

So, with the world's dumbest plot to get a number by 5pm underway, the crooks need to make sure they keep an eye on things as Mickey D does his nut cracking, so they make use of the, oh, about 780 hidden cameras that they have set up (that morning, apparently) in Mickey D's house, bedroom and hallway (complete with reverse shots and numerous camera angles), as well as their cameras in the neighbor's house and, um, in the air conditioning of the crazy girl's hospital ward.

In the words of Dr Evil.... "riiiiiiiiiiiight."

We'll call this "if this plothole was any bigger, the Taliban might be able to hit it #3". There's a whole lot more plotholes we could dive on into, but I notice that some weirdos were actually all into this film, so I don't want to ruin it for other weirdos who will see it and believe it to be great filmmaking because it was more exciting than End of Days or something.

So far as I'm concerned, it's hokey, it borrows (read: steals) from numerous other (better) films, joins the dots with all the skill of a one-armed five-year-old with a broken pencil and a rottweiler attached to it's neck, and basically lopes through an hour and a bit passing off ridiculous story twists as a reason not to leave the theater early.

Douglas sleeps through the whole thing, doing the exact same character he has done in every one of his films over the last five years, Famke Janssen could have been replaced by a muppet (not her fault, her character is as token as Isaac the Bartender), and Brittany Murphy, who spends more time playing psycho women than Angelina Jolie (and she does it in her spare time, as well as at work), manages to look at various times nutso and at others completely lost as to how her character has just dropped sixteen psychoses and become normal again after being given a doll. Murphy looks like she's been punched in the face, which is fine if that's the effect you're after, but she's essentially your average clear-skinned blonde, so why her "younger self" is played by a REDHEADED kid covered in FRECKLES is going to be one of those mysteries not even the lazy ass producers of this film will be able to answer.

Miss this one and you miss nothing at all. See it and you see nothing at all. Which makes me wish I could rate it "nothing at all".

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originally posted: 10/22/01 21:24:16
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User Comments

12/29/17 morris campbell good not great 4 stars
6/29/13 Janie Ridiculous. A big "S" for SuperShrink on his chest or what ? 2 stars
12/06/08 Shaun Wallner This movie stinks!! 2 stars
3/29/08 Pamela White suspenseful drama 4 stars
12/15/06 Ronin Not really a great movie but above average. 4 stars
12/03/06 David Pollastrini not great, not terrible 4 stars
10/01/05 merp somewhat boring, just uninteresting plot, Bean solid as Bean is 2 stars
8/24/05 ES I couldn't by into the premise, just a real let down 2 stars
3/17/05 tatum Entertaining enough suspenser 4 stars
6/30/04 R.W. Welch Overplotted potboiler finally loses all credibility but holds you most of the way. 3 stars
5/21/04 Dean Rapp Well made, but the diamond look too small for all the effort 3 stars
5/03/04 john bale Rather silly thriller hardly lifted by aged Douglas, though Brittany Murphy tries hard 3 stars
8/20/02 I Can't Swim I enjoyed it much more than I expected to. Brittany great, once again 4 stars
8/04/02 KMG TRITE AND TYPICAL 3 stars
4/18/02 Monday Morning Did Michael Douglas get a face job or what? 2 stars
3/05/02 Jenny Tullwartz Watchable action fare, tamer than the previews made it look. 4 stars
3/03/02 Dave Draper A stylish but inconsistant downer, looks like it was edited with a meat cleaver! 2 stars
2/25/02 The Bomb 69 "I'll never tell..." you this was a good film. 3 stars
2/01/02 daria this film moved me, i thought it was amazing 5 stars
12/21/01 Tinka plot was bad, acting worse. I rooted for the baddie at the end. 2 stars
12/01/01 Phoenix Although very implausible, Don't Say A Word is a very entertaining film. 4 stars
11/11/01 TG I liked it; it was well acted which more than compensated for the predictable story line 4 stars
10/30/01 carla sanchez it was lame, i wasted precious sleeping time watching this movie 1 stars
10/29/01 Johnny Bravo This was completely different than what i thought it was going to be 3 stars
10/25/01 Nisha It was ok, but it could've been extremely better. 3 stars
10/18/01 Catherine Schneider I liked the twists and turns. Many thrillers don't thrill, but this kept the suspense. 4 stars
10/16/01 thanatos it would take one hug and two kisses from Famke to get me to watch this again. 2 stars
10/14/01 maggie i don't know why people are so down on this movie, i liked it a lot! 4 stars
10/14/01 Sam Moss BaD.... 2 stars
10/06/01 FriscoJohn Decent, not Awesome 4 stars
10/06/01 Amy Murphy shines, Douglas sinks 4 stars
10/05/01 poetchuck Better than I thought, 4 stars
10/04/01 wintermute Dude, they aren't child psychologists, of course they didn't kidnap her - otherwise why MD? 1 stars
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  28-Sep-2001 (R)



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