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Overall Rating

Awesome: 14.29%
Worth A Look: 21.43%
Pretty Bad: 0%
Total Crap: 7.14%

1 review, 8 user ratings

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Pornstar: The Legend of Ron Jeremy
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by Collin Souter

"More than I needed to know, yet I learned nothing."
3 stars

Let me tell you about my least favorite position. It involves a chair. I’m sitting three rows back from a movie screen. I’m leaning my neck as far back as I can to see the screen, as though it had been perched atop the Sears Tower and my theater seat resided on the ground floor near the barricades. Very uncomfortable. Worse yet, the film in question happens to be a documentary about a man whose claim to fame is a physical attribute that could probably wipe out the Sears Tower in a cage match. You just sit there in a packed movie house hoping to God the editors of said film had the good sense to leave the money shots on the cutting room floor.

I’m speaking, of course, of Ron Jeremy, the subject of “Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy,” a documentary about a fat, hairy guy who gets naked a lot and has gained celebrity status as a result. Ron looks like a cross between Jon Lovits and the “Time to make the donuts” guy. He loves sex. He loves food. He loves working. He loves his celebrity. “But he just wants to be loved, is that so wrong!?!” (Yes, especially when you admit that you love “Lord of the Dance.”)

Anyway, you won’t learn much more that what I wrote in the previous paragraph. We do meet some of Jeremy’s fans, which include (but are not limited to) toothless, illiterate trailer wenches, your local jock-strap quarterback from your local Phi-Kappa-Zeta house (the kind who talk on cell phones at Dave Matthews concerts), fat hairy guys and Grandpa Munster.

Jeremy likes to wax nostalgic on the “Golden age of porn,” the late 70s-early 80s. One observer point out that the kind of porno being made in that era had budgets and plots, and could stand alongside the very best of the b-movies that came out of Hollywood. So, basically, a thoroughly unwatchable orgy of hairy, super-shlonged bus drivers inserting their vomiting cobras into their voluptuous co-star’s cave of dampness could stand the test of time the same way Chuck Norris’ “Top Dog” has (which is basically a b-movie version of the slightly more ambitious, yet equally derivative, “Turner and Hooch,” which is clearly an allegory on Thaterism, which, obviously, the makers of “Top Dog” failed to notice…but I digress).

Pornography makes me itch. The people don’t look clean. They don’t look real. And you know when watching it that these people lead messed-up lives. Momma raised them wrong. And of course, the filmmakers don’t give a damn. We learn more about Jeremy’s Nimbus 2000 than we do about his inner self. Doesn’t he ever despise this industry? Does he have any idea that his biggest mainstream career high will be “Detroit Rock City?” Oh, you didn’t know he was in that? You didn’t see it either? This documentary treats it as though Jeremy landed the role of Julius Caesar in Kenneth Branagh’s next theater production. The following Tuesday, he starred in “Ass Munch 6,” a caption tells us.

Admittedly, the movie has some laughs (the above caption being one of them). Another comes when we learn that (surprise!) Ron Jeremy also likes to eat food. In their infinite wisdom, the staff writers on one of Jeremy’s golden-age-of-porn flicks decide it would be hilarious to mix the sex with the food. And, well, in this context, it is, although if I had been forced to watch the actual movie, I probably would have heaved like a volcano. I have a feeling the poster for this movie said something along the lines of “Ron Jeremy has his cake and eats it too!”

But while laughing, I felt kinda sorry for the guy. I didn’t find him despicable, just not very interesting. He wants to do stand-up comedy, but his talent falls just short of Rupert Pupkin, and only slightly above Jake LaMotta. He wants to go mainstream, but he winds up in a bit part on “Walker: Texas Ranger.” His parents approve of what he does, as long as he doesn’t use the real family name (Hyatt, in case you’re interested). Stuff that could be high drama, but never really is. Remember that scene in “American Movie” where troubled independent filmmaker Mark Borchardt drank one-too many beers at Thanksgiving and had that moment in his basement? He looked angrily at the camera asking over and over, “What do you think? No, what do you really think?” Suddenly, we could see that he had an inner demon. Jeremy has a laughing jackal, a Salacious Crumb. I feel sorry for him in the same way one would feel sorry for the Dirk Diggler character in “Boogie Nights.”

If you only want to see a documentary about a man and his oversized, flesh colored “Abyss” alien, you could do a lot worse. You will learn a thing or two about his butter churning technique. You will see him take his monthly HIV test. You will see that he spends most of his time wandering around airports with his plastic bag luggage. You will learn that he likes to save money “for the future.” He never gets more specific than that, and neither does the movie.

Look at the poster for the movie and ask yourself, do I need learn how long Ron Jeremy can erect his Phallic of Babel? Do I need to know what that looks like? Will I ever look at my neighborhood tollbooth attendant in the same way ever again? Many of you probably do. I guess I did. Take my advice. You can leave the raincoat home for this one, as well as your brain. Just bring some soap and sit in the back row.

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originally posted: 12/12/01 00:18:56
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User Comments

4/26/06 micheal good 4 stars
2/15/05 Rock-steady he can suck his own dick(my fantasy) 1 stars
1/20/05 ggggght vfggtr 5 stars
3/03/04 Charles Tatum God, who would want to be this guy? 3 stars
9/29/03 JohnnyXXX Not bad, though I was expecting a lot from it. Ron should deserve more respect than that. 4 stars
4/07/03 annie it wasn't too bad 4 stars
12/07/02 Boy Bob Excellent 5 stars
12/04/01 Mr Math You have to respect a man who has done... as many.. as he. Not a bad flick. 3 stars
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  DVD: 25-Mar-2003



Directed by
  Scott J. Gill

Written by

  Ron Jeremy

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